Would you put up with being called these names?

[ilovesparky]

I have just had DH in my face. Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob. Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back. All very load so the dcs can hear. I am in tears. He flies off the handle and then thinks it's ok to speak like this . Apparently I fuelled the argument by not backing down. I don't think it's my responsibility. He's called me bitch and tells me to f* off quite regularly. He's very childish and whites instead of having a calm discussion about something. Nothing is his fault.

So, we ve been away and I packed the car up to let DH do a final check of the house for his stuff and to check doors locked etc as I know he gets funny about it. I thought I was being nice.

Meanwhile I packed up the car. This was all the stuff I had put by the door to go directly in the car. He packed his own suitcase and I shut it snd put it in the car. There were a few loose items in the car which I didn't take any notice of before putting cases etc in. DH constantly packs things last minute and loose because he's disorganised. This annoys me so I just left these things in the car.

Before we leave I get questioned about where x and y is. I don't know, I am fed up with being responsible for his stuff. I pack my stuff, the kids stuff and food. As far as I am concerned the rest is his. So we are then late as he has to find things. I shout down to him that they are in the car- I see them as I put the last bags in.

We get home, he's left his slippers. Apparently that's my fault as I packed the car. I packed a couple of his coats which I noticed on the side which were about to be left. But because I didn't pack his slippers snd only packed some stuff it's all my fault. Is this right? I don't think so. He packs his own things. I never said I would pack his.

He has form for this. Always someone else's fault if he looses something, hasn't got the right stuff. My fault. I rushed him, I didn't let him think, I packed some stuff but not the rest. Which isn't true. I don't pack anything for him except doing him a favour packing two coats he was about to leave as I saw them. I am fed up with it.

@ilovesparky

He just said to me he can't promise he won't act like that again.

What does that mean? He can't promise he won't get angry and fly off, accusing me of something that's not my fault. Ok, I can cope with that.

Or promise that he won't try to intimidate and verbally abuse me again. Not ok.

Why would you want to cope with any of that? Why do you think it's OK for your kids to have to cope with that?

My DW calls me names, mocks me. I have done the same to her. Not all the time and we have had 'good times' and yes we have supported each other through some bad times but STILL we are both abusers. As said above we don't do it in 'uncontrollable' anger because we never do it to anyone outside of the family. We do it because we have not valued each other enough not to. We also do it because neither of us walked away so there was someone to do it to. And it is hard to stop. DW is begging me not to leave, it will never happen again. But it will - from both of us as we have not done the significant work on ourselves to change. Work that has to be done when we are on our own.

You told him that you won't tolerate this ever again.
He's telling you that he is probably going to do it again.

So what's the consequences for him if he does do it again?

He's abusive and you need to get out. I'm sorry. You're going through the throes of the process now of realising it, it will be up to you what you do.

But he is abusive, he's going to do it again and your children are witnessing it. It's not right.

notsuchaniceguy Rare to see such an honest post. I hope that you can do the work and change for yourself, whatever happens with or without your wife.

He just said to me he can't promise he won't act like that again.

Translation: He is not motivated to change and he WILL act like that again. And again. And again. He is not showing you respect or human decency.

He just said to me he can't promise he won't act like that again

Which translates to, 'when I do it again and you pull me up on it, I can say 'well I did say 'I couldn't promise I wouldn't do it again'

sounds like he's lining up a 'get out of jail free card' for when it next happens.

Ok, so he has clarified that he can't promise he won't get angry again but he can promise he won't speak to me like that again and behave like that again. I guess I am going to have to trust him. I don't want to end my marriage over this.

He's thinking about counselling but to me it's a set criteria to us staying together.

@Drinkingallthewine

You told him that you won't tolerate this ever again. He's telling you that he is probably going to do it again.

So what's the consequences for him if he does do it again?

I will go. I am strong, I can cope financially and emotionally on my own. Thank goodness I have almost finished my degree. It means I have increased my earning potential ten fold. Just in case.

@ilovesparky

They were just words he said but he says he went too far. I don't think he realises how disrespectful it was.

He was trying to intimidate me. I am very strong willed so didn't back down. I wasn't scared and neither have the children ever been.

He feels he has no control in the marriage. That's why his pent up frustrations led to that. Is that a reason? I admit I am probably quite difficult. I don't think I am wired like most- I think I am on the spectrum.

The things you listed he was upset with you about on the holiday, were normal, sensible things that any number of average people would be concerned about, that people SHOULD be concerned about. Like letting their child go chasing after mum in unfamiliar territory or not caring that the children hears him arguing.

Of all the examples you've given it has no hint of you being weird, abnormal, unreasonable, 'wired wrong' or on the spectrum. All of you being a responsible sensible adult woman. I'm not saying you have no faults but I don't think you're the problem.

Men who give no shits and can't be arsed with anything WILL feel like babies and like they are being controlled because they have to be mothered and corrected and constantly 'told off' because they don't act like grown sensible men.

He's never hit me

Would it change things if he did, OP?

THIS is abuse, as much as hitting you would be. Bruises heal, but the emotional abuse takes a massive toll. On both you, and the dc.

Ducks. In a row.

@Fuuuuuckit

He's never hit me

Would it change things if he did, OP?

THIS is abuse, as much as hitting you would be. Bruises heal, but the emotional abuse takes a massive toll. On both you, and the dc.

Ducks. In a row.

Yes, totally. I would leave instantly.

Well it's not nice at home. Separate bedrooms and we aren't talking apart from acting normally in front of the dcs. This can't go on though, I spent most of yesterday crying. I need to decide. If we can try and get through this and behave normally together. I am not good at putting on an act.

We talked about counselling. He's thinking about it but I have kind of said I feel it's non negotiable. It will tricky to make time for it though. He works full time, I work part time snd have a degree with deadlines coming up and it will need to be in school hours as no one to look after the dc. Might be tricky to find.

Stop saying you are difficult OP. You don't sound difficult you sound like a mum putting her children first. That's a good thing. You've not said anything on here that suggests you are putting yourself first - quite the opposite. He sounds like a lazy shit who can't be bothered parenting properly. 💐

Imagine it was you that got in his face and you were screaming at him. Calling him names. Imagine you just lost it with him one day. Would you feel safe or do you think he would physically lash out at you? Do you watch how you react to things around him so that things dont escalate into his tantrums? Do you want the rest of your life like this?

He’s not a good father. Just because he doesn’t beat them and occasionally interacts with them when it suits him doesn’t make him a good father. He ignores their education needs if it doesn’t suit him as he cba with the level of homework they have. He throws temper tantrums in their presence. He isn’t mindful of their safety at all times.

Your bar for ‘good father’ is awfully low.

@TheCatterall

Imagine it was you that got in his face and you were screaming at him. Calling him names. Imagine you just lost it with him one day. Would you feel safe or do you think he would physically lash out at you? Do you watch how you react to things around him so that things dont escalate into his tantrums? Do you want the rest of your life like this?

He’s not a good father. Just because he doesn’t beat them and occasionally interacts with them when it suits him doesn’t make him a good father. He ignores their education needs if it doesn’t suit him as he cba with the level of homework they have. He throws temper tantrums in their presence. He isn’t mindful of their safety at all times.

Your bar for ‘good father’ is awfully low.

No I don't generally feel like that. He can be like this when we argue but it's not a regular thing.

He still maintains the argument was my fault though but says it was just words and he doesn't know why he took it so far. He has promised he won't do it again.

I think I am just tired of the arguments though, we don't agree on so much. The dcs, how to spend money, holidays, homework, schools, how to spend our free time. Once the dcs leave home I feel like we won't get on as it's just the two of us and we will want different things. I am tired of the constant swirl of thoughts on my mind about it all, who's right, how can we compromise?

He said he doesn't want to see a counsellor as doesn't want to talk to a stranger. Apparently he's now thinking about whether we just split up or not. He doesn't seem to want to try by seeing a counsellor. Seems silly to break up without even trying. Once again I feel he is thinking only about himself and his feelings rather than what I might want or the dcs. But when he started talking about splitting up I did feel a sense of panic so I know I don't want to split up.

That is all he's ever done throughout; thinking only of his own self.

He's actually done you a favour re no to a counsellor; joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

Why indeed is your bar for a "good father" this low exactly?. Was your own father actually similar in nature?.

Re your comment:-
"But when he started talking about splitting up I did feel a sense of panic so I know I don't want to split up."

It may well be you felt panicked more out of a fear of the unknown for you if you and he part ways.

Two points, OP:
Have you ever thought about pursuing a diagnosis for ASD or ADHD? You sound so like myself- always self critical, judging myself harshly, the feeling that other people 'got' life and always searching for normality. Unfortunately I didn't realise this acts like a homing beacon for selfish lazy abusive men.. They know the buttons to push- if a partner said it was all my fault because I was bossy or weird Id be there totally agreeing with them.
Secondly, you say your partner is a great dad, hat your children don't know anything about the abuse and your son would be devastated if his dad left... And then you say your son has anxiety and emotional issues?????? HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED IF THIS IS CONNECTED?

@TheGoddessFrigg

Two points, OP: Have you ever thought about pursuing a diagnosis for ASD or ADHD? You sound so like myself- always self critical, judging myself harshly, the feeling that other people 'got' life and always searching for normality. Unfortunately I didn't realise this acts like a homing beacon for selfish lazy abusive men.. They know the buttons to push- if a partner said it was all my fault because I was bossy or weird Id be there totally agreeing with them. Secondly, you say your partner is a great dad, hat your children don't know anything about the abuse and your son would be devastated if his dad left... And then you say your son has anxiety and emotional issues?????? HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED IF THIS IS CONNECTED?

Yes I think I have ADHD and I wonder if my husband does too. I definitely do see situations differently to the norm.

Yes- my Ds is waiting for an ADHD assessment. They seem impossible to get at the moment. There are many signs he has it. Yes- I struggle with guilt that he's like that because of me/us. My DH feels no guilt whatsoever ever about it and doesn't feel we are responsible, although does bring up things he thinks I did wrong when he was younger. I feel incredible guilt about it. I had my dcs fairly close together, when back to work quickly and my DH didn't offer much support. I made a lot of mistakes with ds. Neither of us where there enough for him emotionally, we didn't help him regulate his feelings, he heard and saw many arguments. DH and I bicker a lot and unfortunately he witnessed more than he should. Looking back it was stupid. Yes- I wonder if he has picked up on his behaviour from both of us. I worry this behaviour has come from us.

dH still makes little comments to put me down in front of them or that he's going to replace mummy type comments, back when I cared comments. He doesn't have good boundaries about what dcs should and shouldn't hear.

When I say arguments I mean heated arguments never any name calling or aggression or anything physical. Just heated arguments but probably not a good example to set of what to do when you are angry.

God! When I looked back on things it's like a jigsaw slotting into place. Yes I had a tricky relationship with my dad and quite an unhappy childhood. My dad used to smack me regularly and I was scared on him. My mum did nothing about it. I wasn't very emotionally supported. Maybe I did settle with DH, maybe I don't know boundaries very well. But at the same time I think I have lost friendships but having too high expectations of people. DH says I have too high expectations of him. I am too black and white. My mum says I would try the patience of a saint when I was younger. Perhaps I should see someone individually to work through my issues. I feel like I ve really messed things up. Ds in therapy and now us.

Your husband says, in front of the children, that he's going to replace mummy? And you wonder why your son is anxious and has emotional issues? He'd be taking comments like that seriously - children don't understand that they're throw away comments. Add to that the constant "arguments" the poor kid must be terrified he's going to lose his mum.

@k1233

Your husband says, in front of the children, that he's going to replace mummy? And you wonder why your son is anxious and has emotional issues? He'd be taking comments like that seriously - children don't understand that they're throw away comments. Add to that the constant "arguments" the poor kid must be terrified he's going to lose his mum.

Unbelievable.

This is a truly shocking destabilising thing to say.

Absolutely emotional abuse of your children.

Children don't get sarcasm or irony.

He hears his father saying that his mum may not be around, replaced, code for divorce.

Horrifyingly damaging.

Does your son's therapist know that your son is exposed to this emotional abuse?

Please help the therapist and let them know.

Your poor children.

How old are your DC? Are they school-aged?

What are you going to do if they mention their home life at school?

Or are you planning to tell them not to tell anybody? (I really hope not)

If you dont take your DCs out of this toxic environment you risk losing them. Dont think it cant happen, because it absolutely can.

Your situation could lead to a Social Services referral. If it comes to that 'they were upstairs so didnt see but they must have heard' wont help you

Youve had some good advice from pp's and youve taken a step by posting here. Seek appropriate advice then dump him so you and your DCs can live in a peaceful stress-free environment.

Life's too precious and short for this shit.

@DeeCeeCherry

How old are your DC? Are they school-aged?

What are you going to do if they mention their home life at school?

Or are you planning to tell them not to tell anybody? (I really hope not)

If you dont take your DCs out of this toxic environment you risk losing them. Dont think it cant happen, because it absolutely can.

Your situation could lead to a Social Services referral. If it comes to that 'they were upstairs so didnt see but they must have heard' wont help you

Youve had some good advice from pp's and youve taken a step by posting here. Seek appropriate advice then dump him so you and your DCs can live in a peaceful stress-free environment.

Life's too precious and short for this shit.

There won't be anything to tell at school. Mummy and daddy have arguments and there is some mild shouting sometimes. Daddy makes silly comments which just go over their heads. I really doubt SS would be remotely interested. There is no danger in our house, you are blowing this completely out of portion.

I think the next step is counselling. He's reluctant but I said it's a dealbreaker. Apparently he's thinking about it now saying he's thinking about just breaking up without doing the counselling. He doesn't want to talk to a stranger. Is this manipulative too or just lazy?

@DeeCeeCherry ds is 9 and dd 7

@cleocleo24 he doesn't want the status quo to change. He is using the threat of leaving if you push for counselling to make you put up with thins how they are. Why doesn't he want a stranger to know what's happening? Why doesn't he want to improve communication between the two of you? Because the status quo suits him and you can like it or lump it.

He’s not a good dad. He’s not a good dh. He is abusive. It is not a one off. He does not really give a shit about you or kids. It will get worse. You are in denial. LTB.

Would you do me a favour?
Go to your op, select see all and read through everything you've written. Properly read it. Imagine it's not you that wrote them. Imagine your child is grown up and they have written these posts about their spouse.

Would you tell them to hang in there? To change themselves in order to pacify their spouse? Would you tell them what a good parent their spouse is, how they aren't damaging the children at all and that your child must try harder in order to save the marriage? Would you reassure them that it's ok to be told to fuck off, called a bitch and other names? Would you say look, you were only called a cunt once, it's ok as long as it's not regular. The kids will get over it. Just stay and stop doing the things that make your spouse angry?