Would you put up with being called these names?

[ilovesparky]

I have just had DH in my face. Calling me a cunt, bitch and knob. Trying to intimidate me so I had to push him back. All very load so the dcs can hear. I am in tears. He flies off the handle and then thinks it's ok to speak like this . Apparently I fuelled the argument by not backing down. I don't think it's my responsibility. He's called me bitch and tells me to f* off quite regularly. He's very childish and whites instead of having a calm discussion about something. Nothing is his fault.

So, we ve been away and I packed the car up to let DH do a final check of the house for his stuff and to check doors locked etc as I know he gets funny about it. I thought I was being nice.

Meanwhile I packed up the car. This was all the stuff I had put by the door to go directly in the car. He packed his own suitcase and I shut it snd put it in the car. There were a few loose items in the car which I didn't take any notice of before putting cases etc in. DH constantly packs things last minute and loose because he's disorganised. This annoys me so I just left these things in the car.

Before we leave I get questioned about where x and y is. I don't know, I am fed up with being responsible for his stuff. I pack my stuff, the kids stuff and food. As far as I am concerned the rest is his. So we are then late as he has to find things. I shout down to him that they are in the car- I see them as I put the last bags in.

We get home, he's left his slippers. Apparently that's my fault as I packed the car. I packed a couple of his coats which I noticed on the side which were about to be left. But because I didn't pack his slippers snd only packed some stuff it's all my fault. Is this right? I don't think so. He packs his own things. I never said I would pack his.

He has form for this. Always someone else's fault if he looses something, hasn't got the right stuff. My fault. I rushed him, I didn't let him think, I packed some stuff but not the rest. Which isn't true. I don't pack anything for him except doing him a favour packing two coats he was about to leave as I saw them. I am fed up with it.

@Tamworth123

*He says he's not cut out for family life.

He did it because he wanted to do that particular activity with them whilst I was able to chat with my friends. That sums up my thoughts on the relationship perfectly. He will do what he wants for him, if he wants to do it then he will. Not for me or the dcs.*

It'd a great pity he didn't discover this until after he got a partner and brought kids into the world with her.

He sounds like a deeply selfish, immature man child.

It's no doubt devastating but it's best you know what underpins his behaviour, it really sounds like you should get out.

Your home would be a quieter, happier, more stable, more positive place without him .. and he can do disney dad and be a man child bachelor in a flat like he clearly wants to (though no doubt he'll shit himself and want back when reality hits. Also he'll find any future girlfriends generally want commitment sooner or later; living together, kids if they haven't got any, so he'll just end up cycling through relationships or in the sane position abusing his partner and destabilising a home.

I do kick myself. The signs were there before we got married. He used to argue a lot and that was before we had extra stresses of jobs/kids/ bills. He was my first proper relationship I don't think I thought differently. I loved him, was swept up. I had a long time to have realised that though. We were together a long time before we got married. I think I settled.

In fairness he did tell me he didn't want dcs. We almost broke up over it as I said I did. Without an ultimatum I said we would need to split up if he didn't want them. He decided not to and I guess went along with it because he wanted me.

Such a fundamental lack of integrity wrapped up with their selfishness and irresponsibility.

He is a good dad though. He's very good with them. I am stricter and he is more fun so it does balance it out. But I think that's the problem- he only wants the fun bits. But he's lazy so they think he's fun because he allows them more treats, doesn't make them do homework, let's them have the iPad. I am the only one having to get them to do the things they don't want to do I am the bad guy a lot. They have worked this out and now it's can daddy take us to the cinema etc because he lets us have xyz. He does do more physical activities with them like going in the sea, swimming, football and playing pool.

He says he just wouldn't bother doing the homework etc and the harder things they don't want to do. Again- I feel that's selfish. He's thinking about what he doesn't want to do, finds annoying rather than what's best for them.

"Do I want to destroy our whole life over a few words."

Those few words I heard were:

You're nowt.
You're trying to be and can't you little bitch.
You're a whore bag.
Who do you think you are Lady Muck.
Get out of college and bring some money into the house.
There's no contentment with you in the house you little twat.
I wish we'd never had you we'd be rolling in money.

Those few words ruined my adolescence. Early adulthood. I could not form relationships. I didn't understand men. I ended up in a marriage where I was abused and raped.

Sort it.

I wish I had thought through those arguments and discussions about dcs more before we got married and settled down. I know what his bad was like, exactly like he is. His mum told me. He grew up with a dad who was emotionally detached, wasn't there financially for his mum and by the sounds of it didn't want to do anything he didn't want to.

Why didn't I see this coming? I should have known. I feel like everyone else made so much better decisions about partners than me.

I haven't had lots of couple friends so I just don't think I made the comparison. The last 10 years or so we have had more couple friends and I think it's just highlighted aspects of our relationship. I don't think I thought about what other DHs do. I ve been so stupid as it's only now when friends are saying things about their DH that I think my DH doesn't do that. Why not? He should be.

Lockdown was like a light switch for me.

I am sorry I am posting so much. All these thoughts are going around my head and I am just posting as they come.

He is a good dad though.

No he isn't. I don't understand how you can still say that. I think solo counselling would be hugely beneficial to you.

He says he just wouldn't bother doing the homework etc and the harder things they don't want to do - shit dad.

He's thinking about what he doesn't want to do, finds annoying rather than what's best for them - shit dad.

He says he's not cut out for family life. The reality of having a family and all the shit with it. He doesn't see the good bits as outweighing the bad - shit dad.

When I said I do recognise he's made an effort since our last lot of issues, he laughed and said he hasn't been more on board with the dcs when we were away because I asked him to. He did it because he wanted to do that particular activity with them - shit dad.

I would leave. He has no respect for you and sounds really nasty. I am so sorry you and your kids have to live with that.
You and your kids deserve peace and calm.

Sounds so so similar to my exh. Everything was always my fault. I woke up at 4am once to pack up and clean up after a holiday, make breakfast for our DS etc. So I left him to sleep in until 7am. I woke him up so he had time to pack his clothes and get ready. He screamed at me for not doing his packing too. Your husbands behaviour reminded me of that moment with my Exh.
I don't think there's any way back really if he has no respect for you. I hope you can leave

Why didn't I see this coming? I should have known. I feel like everyone else made so much better decisions about partners than me.

Stop kicking yourself.

He stayed in the relationship with you, knowing it was in the basis of having a family ... and had the family. He didn't have to. You obviously thought he had come around. His behaviour was a lot more foolish,selfish and irresponsible.. because he was the one who didn't want kids.

Also woman are getting separated and divorced evert day of the week, you haven't done a worse job of picking a partner than thousands of others.

I am sorry I am posting so much. All these thoughts are going around my head and I am just posting as they come.

You're not.

That's what this forum is for.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He is a good dad though.

No he isn't. I don't understand how you can still say that. I think solo counselling would be hugely beneficial to you.

He says he just wouldn't bother doing the homework etc and the harder things they don't want to do - shit dad.

He's thinking about what he doesn't want to do, finds annoying rather than what's best for them - shit dad.

He says he's not cut out for family life. The reality of having a family and all the shit with it. He doesn't see the good bits as outweighing the bad - shit dad.

When I said I do recognise he's made an effort since our last lot of issues, he laughed and said he hasn't been more on board with the dcs when we were away because I asked him to. He did it because he wanted to do that particular activity with them - shit dad.

HALLELUIA!

@ilovesparky

Lockdown was like a light switch for me.

I am sorry I am posting so much. All these thoughts are going around my head and I am just posting as they come.

This forum can be a lifeline when you're at a turning point like you are right now - please do keep posting if it's helping you gain insight.

@ilovesparky

He is a good dad though. He's very good with them. I am stricter and he is more fun so it does balance it out. But I think that's the problem- he only wants the fun bits. But he's lazy so they think he's fun because he allows them more treats, doesn't make them do homework, let's them have the iPad. I am the only one having to get them to do the things they don't want to do I am the bad guy a lot. They have worked this out and now it's can daddy take us to the cinema etc because he lets us have xyz. He does do more physical activities with them like going in the sea, swimming, football and playing pool.

He says he just wouldn't bother doing the homework etc and the harder things they don't want to do. Again- I feel that's selfish. He's thinking about what he doesn't want to do, finds annoying rather than what's best for them.

Everything here is selfish, lazy, irresponsible, unrealistic and childish/immature.

Lots abd lots and lots of "I doht want...".

Guess what, pll esp parents have to do lots of things they don't want to or enjoy doing. Why does he get a free pass while everyone else steps up. He's so fkg entitled.

He doesn't have to act like this, he doesn't have to copy his Dad .... he chooses to.

I don't want to tell my family. I feel like they would judge me. They know my struggles with friends in the past and have always given me the view I am difficult. I think they will think it's me, not him.

I am sure how supportive they will be. My mum never really provided much emotional support when I was younger. I was a bit of a problem child- had problems at school, with friendships, with work.

I always thought meeting my DH was so good for me as he brought me out my shell, I had no confidence and was extremely shy when we met. He was the life and sole of the party. People gravitate to him, they want to be with him. I am very take or leave it- quite marmite to other people I think. I thought I had found happiness finally and my problems like this were behind me. I have good friends, financially ok, a lovely house, lovely dcs, studying to improve my career prospects in a different career than originally. I seem to have failed or haven't been good at so many things. Do I want a failed marriage too? I thought I was happy. I don't want to look back and regret breaking up the marriage.

This is what I mean by being different. Wired differently. I have had a lot of issues in my life. I thought they were sorted. Now DH is another person I haven't managed to get on with. I have fallen out with so many people because the lines of relationships are blurred for me. I don't know what's normal/right/wrong/too high expectations/too low expectations. I don't think I get relationships like other people do.

People gravitate to him, they want to be with him.

If he left them to do all the heavy lifting, blamed them for his mistakes, told them he didn't enjoy life with them and called them a cunt in earshot of their kids then they wouldn't want to be with him and they wouldn't gravitate towards him would they?

It's normal for different people to have different experiences of the same person. Because people show different people different parts of themselves.

If they saw him squaring up to you to intimidate you while he called you a cunt and a bitch, to the point you had to physically push him to get away, do you really think they'd still think he was a great guy? Great guys don't do stuff like that. Even if they are annoyed or angry. They talk or they walk away.

@ilovesparky

This is what I mean by being different. Wired differently. I have had a lot of issues in my life. I thought they were sorted. Now DH is another person I haven't managed to get on with. I have fallen out with so many people because the lines of relationships are blurred for me. I don't know what's normal/right/wrong/too high expectations/too low expectations. I don't think I get relationships like other people do.

Even if that was the case (and I think you're being very hard on yourself) it doesn't make this any more suitable an environment for your kids to be living in or dynamic for your kids to be watching.

Including the lesson they're being taught that it's a mum's job to do the 'proper' childcare whether they are tired or I'll or not in the mood, while dads should only have to do the fun bits, when they want to.

Ex was like this, and it was dreadful. We never had a nice holiday as he was tantrumming from start to finish.

If a stranger in the street called you those name, what would you think? What would you do?

And yet this person is meant to be the person who loves you most in the world.

He is disgusting. Abusive. Disrespectful. Unapologetic. Not interested in his own DC.

Why would you want to be with him? This can't be good for your DC at all.

Stay strong. I really hope you manage to get away from him. Life would be so much better without him.

"I don't want to tell my family. I feel like they would judge me. They know my struggles with friends in the past and have always given me the view I am difficult. I think they will think it's me, not him".

Your family members are in no position to judge you and besides which they are not married to him. You've been judged and labelled as "difficult" already by them and I do not think for one second they will be at all supportive; they'll likely say its your fault for being difficult. They cannot be relied upon to support you.

I would think if anyone is "difficult" here its your family so its not you necessarily, its them. I would also think your parents never wanted to seek any help for you re any social difficulties and were content to call you difficult; its a label that has remained with you to this day. They primed you into tacitly accepting such crap treatment from this man now as you were classed as "difficult" by them. He likely thinks you're "difficult" too. The fact that your mum never really provided much emotional support when you were younger is a big red flag here re her also.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"I don't want to tell my family. I feel like they would judge me. They know my struggles with friends in the past and have always given me the view I am difficult. I think they will think it's me, not him".

Your family members are in no position to judge you and besides which they are not married to him. You've been judged and labelled as "difficult" already by them and I do not think for one second they will be at all supportive; they'll likely say its your fault for being difficult. They cannot be relied upon to support you.

I would think if anyone is "difficult" here its your family so its not you necessarily, its them. I would also think your parents never wanted to seek any help for you re any social difficulties and were content to call you difficult; its a label that has remained with you to this day. They primed you into tacitly accepting such crap treatment from this man now as you were classed as "difficult" by them. He likely thinks you're "difficult" too. The fact that your mum never really provided much emotional support when you were younger is a big red flag here re her also.

My parents took me to counselling and I had further counselling at uni. I don't feel it really helped. It wasn't talked about or backed up at home. We weren't encouraged to talk about things much, we are a just get on with family. My siblings seemed to sail through life without issues. They are very articulate, likeable, measured and calm, popular, successful and well liked with huge groups of friends. They get life, they get friendships.

I must take this into account though. Most people have a much smoother ride in life and DH didn't need any of this. It must say something about me. I do think I have more issues than most otherwise my life would have been smoother.

DH was my rock I guess. I finally thought I had put my past behind me and found happiness. I was settled and not struggling Witt these issues anymore.

OP, you seem to set your expectations for yourself based on what other people do, and judge yourself against them. The thing is that unless you're a homicidal axe-wielding maniac who eats baby guineapigs for breakfast, you don't have to live your life the same way everyone around you does.

You're allowed to be an introvert. You can work on managing social cues and relationships better; some therapy may help with that, as I suspect your family's labelling of you will be part of your problems.

You are allowed to find happiness in different ways. You sound like a dependable, good parent, the kind who will give children routine, good boundaries and a useful set of life skills (i.e. a work ethic etc.)

It's probably worth thinking about what does make you happy and then pursuing that without judging yourself.

All this must have been a horrible shock to you, but I hope it's opened your eyes to the possibilities. You don't have to live someone else's 'normal' to have a happy and fulfilling life, you just have to find what happiness and fulfilment means to you.

I don't want them growing up in that environment

They already are. And have been for several years. Kids know more than they'll admit.

Our DS never saw DP smoking or any cigarette stuff in the house - DP was very careful to ensure that there were no signs of it in his life. Yet he figured out by himself by the time he was 5.

For what it's worth, my epiphany happened when my ex called me a stupid cunt, laughing or more accurately, sneering at me for something absent minded that I did. I knew that would be my life if I stayed, being called names in anger, or with affection, being slagged off and my self esteem being eroded. Still, I was wavering like you did now.
It took a lovely lady in Women's Aid to point out to me that he never called his employer a stupid cunt, or someone in a customer service role, so it couldn't be just blind rage in the moment because if it was, then he'd be doing it all over the place - to his employer, to bigger men, to police men. The fact that he could control and direct his anger - towards me and me only - was a revelation and one I just couldn't explain away.

You've said he doesn't lose his temper with the children. Presumably he doesn't do it with his employer or people in authority. Just you.

And like you, my ex also told me I was argumentative, difficult, over sensitive, drama queen and took everything out of context. I was the root cause of all our arguments because I was so impossible to live with.

It's funny then, that the last 18 years I've been with DP, I could count probably on one hand the amounts of arguments we had, since I'm so impossible to live with.

I wasn't the problem. Neither are you. And if you aren't the problem, YOU cant fix it. And the sooner you realise it and get your children to a home where nobody loses their shit because someone else was supposed to telepathically know something the happier and more mentally balanced they'll be as adults.

He just said to me he can't promise he won't act like that again.

What does that mean? He can't promise he won't get angry and fly off, accusing me of something that's not my fault. Ok, I can cope with that.

Or promise that he won't try to intimidate and verbally abuse me again. Not ok.