Page 6 | Should the guy always reach out first after sex?

Fallingslowly26 · 2022-02-09T17:35:54+00:00

Have always expected the guy to be the one to make the first after having sex with them for the first time - whether by phone call or by text. I have always been of the firm belief that if they don’t get in touch the next day that they’re just not that into you. Is this an outdated mindset? Or is lack of contact after sex from the guy a strong indicator that he isn’t interested?

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 21:33

Are there any other of these rules that I've been blissfully unaware of all my adult life?

sofato5miles · 11/02/2022 02:14

I dated for 3 years before meeting my boyfriend. I never text first if i shagged them. It is a great tool for assessing their interest.
I can say regardless of age or nationality, if they are interested they text and they do it quickly.

stuntbubbles · 11/02/2022 03:16

I think with men I’ve ended up in a relationship with, there’s been no question of “who texts first” — the keenness has been there and so obvious the texts took off on the bus home the same day, or after they drove me home, or whatever; can’t remember who started it first; the conversation was non-stop; and plans had already been made in person for the next date.

Always always always if there’s been silence (from either of us) or I’ve tied myself in knots like this thread does about “should I text? Will he text? Does this mean? What if I?” then the whole thing’s gone nowhere.

user1481840227 · 11/02/2022 03:24

Seems like some people on this thread want to pick & mix biology based dimorphic sexual behaviour in humans.
Equality is the ideal, unfortunately not the reality.

The only reason differences in biology even come into it is because when behaviour is studied one of the lenses that it is studied under is biological psychology.

There are stereotypes, patterns and lived experiences that people have which would have formed the basis for these things to be studied and dissected in the first place.

Personally I think in general men and women are different in many different ways, equality doesn't mean that we all act the same.

The OP can absolutely contact him first if she wants to, but in general a decent man who is genuinely interested will not leave it too long after sex to contact the woman they had sex with.

BuddhaForMary · 11/02/2022 08:36

The man texting back first doesn't indicate he's a 'good guy or wants a serious relationship though, it could literally just mean he enjoyed the sex and wants some more. So who texts first means sod all in the great scheme of things.

lifeissweet · 11/02/2022 09:17

@BuddhaForMary

The man texting back first doesn't indicate he's a 'good guy or wants a serious relationship though, it could literally just mean he enjoyed the sex and wants some more. So who texts first means sod all in the great scheme of things.

That's what I think. It seems an arbitrary rule that could set a man up to fail if, for any reason, he doesn't make contact in the required time. Perhaps because he is feeling vulnerable and insecure himself. Men have complex inner lives too. They aren't just rutting animals looking for an available woman to mount, for heaven's sake!

BuddhaForMary · 11/02/2022 09:25

Perhaps because he is feeling vulnerable and insecure himself. Men have complex inner lives too. They aren't just rutting animals looking for an available woman to mount, for heaven's sake!

I absolutely agree. Unfortunately on here men are seen as bastards only out for one thing. It's not like they have thoughts of feelings. Lowkey sexism and outdated stereotyping is rife on these boards, and I often see the dehumanising of men in general.

If he hasn't texted first within a secretly allotted space of time then he's 'trash' according to one poster on here. But if a woman hasn't texted first she's strong or in control or some bullshit.

Yawn. Quite frankly.

Cheekypeach · 11/02/2022 09:35

Men have complex inner lives too. They aren't just rutting animals looking for an available woman to mount

…

supercali77 · 11/02/2022 09:58

Its not that men don't have complex inner lives however a cursory look at some reddit boards like 'post nut clarity' (wretch) will give you a clearer idea that men do not operate in the same way as women when it comes to sex. Some are polite enough to text and say it was lovely to see you etc. But after years on the dating scene I can say from experience that whatever a man feels before sex, after sex it can change quite radically. Its a bit like they're possessed beforehand. Sometimes they feel the same and sometimes they don't. Occasionally a woman might radically change her feelings after but in my experience at nowhere near the same degree.

BillMasen · 11/02/2022 11:55

[quote Palmfrond]@WonderfulYou
Not trying to be horrible but there is zero chance he’s thinking the same.
After a woman has allowed me to put my penis in her body, I am no longer wondering if she likes me or not.[/quote]
You don’t speak for all men

I can guarantee some of us will be wondering, but the game playing “I’m not texting first”, is pretty crap, whoever does it

BillMasen · 11/02/2022 12:02

@Rocaille

If he's not texting first, I guarantee one of these is the case:

He has sub-normal social skills, limited empathy and theory of mind.
He doesn't like you much. Either thinks you're ugly, boring, unlikeable, whatever... or he's chasing another woman he prefers. This scenario is the most likely.

Either means he should be immediately dumped/blocked/deleted.

Oh ffs You guarantee

Men are people too you know, with the same insecurities and confidence issues as women. I don’t give a shit who texts first, I do give a shit if there’s some manipulative power play gaming going on.

BuddhaForMary · 11/02/2022 12:20

Absolutely spot on @BillMasen I'm sick to death of seeing men being dehumanised on this site, and all this 'I guarantee..' bollocks wtf.

Cheekypeach · 11/02/2022 13:02

@supercali77

Its not that men don't have complex inner lives however a cursory look at some reddit boards like 'post nut clarity' (wretch) will give you a clearer idea that men do not operate in the same way as women when it comes to sex. Some are polite enough to text and say it was lovely to see you etc. But after years on the dating scene I can say from experience that whatever a man feels before sex, after sex it can change quite radically. Its a bit like they're possessed beforehand. Sometimes they feel the same and sometimes they don't. Occasionally a woman might radically change her feelings after but in my experience at nowhere near the same degree.

Agreed. I had a friend who was a serial dater looking for her man to settle down with. She was adamant that she would do things ‘when they felt right’ which was usually straight away - usually sex by date 2 or 3, and she was very ‘available’, messaging them constantly & waiting on them to say when they were free etc. She got dumped after sex time, and time, and time again. Every couple of weeks at least. Usually ghosting but the odd twat who would send something pretty nasty when she invariably messaged first. Happily she did find her forever man eventually but not before an awful lot of heartache.

With DH we built up a slow colleague friendship over several months, lots of messaging & after work drinks, then finally a spontaneous weekend date. I did go back to his house but we didn’t sleep together until a few weeks after that. I really think it’s the emotional build up before which cements some feelings for you before sex, & makes it more likely they’ll be a bit more emotionally invested in it.

Rocaille · 11/02/2022 20:38

Asserting a boundary is not 'dehumanising' men.

Can't believe you lot!!

Cheekypeach · 11/02/2022 20:53

The issue with trying to make out there are (generally) no differences between men and women bar the physical body is that it denies men have been moulded and shaped by a misogynistic society. Their outlook and attitude to sex is different because they’ve grown up being taught they as men won’t be used then ghosted, and that women are needy creatures searching for love and validation.

Holding back a bit after sex isn’t ‘game playing’, it’s protecting your feelings a bit until you know you’re not being viewed as a booty call.

Acting like men are mentally 100% on the same page as us only detriments us, as usual.

GentlemanJayFab · 11/02/2022 20:55

@ShowOfHands

I'm a firm believer that we need to stop game playing. If you want to speak/text then do so.

This.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 12/02/2022 08:45

@Rocaille

Asserting a boundary is not 'dehumanising' men.

Can't believe you lot!!

You can only really assert a boundary is the other person knows there is a boundary, just assuming the other person knows your thoughts and feelings about something with out communicating them is a pointless exercise, people are not mind readers.

If the OPs boundary is that the guy calls 1st that’s fine, but the doesn’t know this piece of information he might be going about his business wondering why she never called him…

It’s okay having a line in the sand that you don’t want crossed, but you have to communicate that this is your line in the 1st place

GentlemanJayFab · 12/02/2022 12:54

The thing I've learnt most in the last two years is communication.

I could have saved myself a lot of time and constant over thinking, by asking as simple question to a lady I was seeing. "Do you still want to see me".

I've reached out to someone else from the past recently and had an answer. I can now move on without overthinking that situation too.

ChristmasFluff · 12/02/2022 14:32

Yeah, well when men and women truly are equal, I'll consider texting first.

ShimmeringSheen · 12/02/2022 14:35

OP, when did you have sex with him? Do you want to see him/shag again? If so, just reach out to him and speak to him. I agree with the people who have said that you can get tied in knots with this sort of thing. There are no rules, so just communicate.

Casper001 · 13/02/2022 15:30

@supercali77

Its not that men don't have complex inner lives however a cursory look at some reddit boards like 'post nut clarity' (wretch) will give you a clearer idea that men do not operate in the same way as women when it comes to sex. Some are polite enough to text and say it was lovely to see you etc. But after years on the dating scene I can say from experience that whatever a man feels before sex, after sex it can change quite radically. Its a bit like they're possessed beforehand. Sometimes they feel the same and sometimes they don't. Occasionally a woman might radically change her feelings after but in my experience at nowhere near the same degree.

Yes this is accurate. Often men will do the chasing and then sex happens. Thereafter there may be a relationship or there may not. Once there's been sex men will gauge how keen they are and to what extent they then want to pursue.

After sex sometimes men will get a feeling of what I think would broadly translate as the ick feeling. It's hard to explain. Not necessarily after sex itself but in the following dates etc.

Casper001 · 13/02/2022 15:58

@BuddhaForMary

Perhaps because he is feeling vulnerable and insecure himself. Men have complex inner lives too. They aren't just rutting animals looking for an available woman to mount, for heaven's sake!

I absolutely agree. Unfortunately on here men are seen as bastards only out for one thing. It's not like they have thoughts of feelings. Lowkey sexism and outdated stereotyping is rife on these boards, and I often see the dehumanising of men in general.

If he hasn't texted first within a secretly allotted space of time then he's 'trash' according to one poster on here. But if a woman hasn't texted first she's strong or in control or some bullshit.

Yawn. Quite frankly.

Yes unconscious bias. We're all guilty of it.

Lpc3 · 14/02/2022 01:22

I don't know any men who would sit on their hands if they were interested. Sure they may just want sex but they may also want a genuine relationship. If he doesn't contact you then he doesn't want either.

BuddhaForMary · 14/02/2022 08:47

@Lpc3

I don't know any men who would sit on their hands if they were interested. Sure they may just want sex but they may also want a genuine relationship. If he doesn't contact you then he doesn't want either.

And the same applies to a woman 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lpc3 · 14/02/2022 09:51

Really? Most women I know do sit on their hands.

Men and women are different, I'm not sure why some people think we're the same.