Page 5 | Should the guy always reach out first after sex?

Fallingslowly26 · 2022-02-09T17:35:54+00:00

Have always expected the guy to be the one to make the first after having sex with them for the first time - whether by phone call or by text. I have always been of the firm belief that if they don’t get in touch the next day that they’re just not that into you. Is this an outdated mindset? Or is lack of contact after sex from the guy a strong indicator that he isn’t interested?

Notwithittoday · 10/02/2022 16:28

It may be outdated but it’s the way it works. Sex or not guys who are into you contact you, you don’t need to reach out for any reason. If you do ones that are lukewarm may string it out a bit so waiting for them to text is a good opportunity to see how interested they are and avoid wasting time. With interested men you always know when you’re seeing them next.

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 16:43

If he's not texting first, I guarantee one of these is the case:

He has sub-normal social skills, limited empathy and theory of mind.
He doesn't like you much. Either thinks you're ugly, boring, unlikeable, whatever... or he's chasing another woman he prefers. This scenario is the most likely.

Either means he should be immediately dumped/blocked/deleted.

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 17:06

I'm not saying in any way that I am right and you are wrong, I just see this entirely differently:

1. You lost the chance to evaluate fully his conduct after sex. Would he have had the emotional intelligence and consideration to message you promptly? Or would he ignored you due to post-nut clarity and a base, disrespectful and unappreciative character? You'll never know now

Why am I 'evaluating his conduct after sex'? I don't feel like I've given him something special that he needs to show appreciation for. I've had, hopefully, a mutually enjoyable experience that I may or may not want to repeat. Why is it only his emotional intelligence at issue? I always conduct my relationships based on treating people how I would like to be treated, which to me means being honest and open and communicative. He can be rude and dismissive at any point and then I'll bin him. Doesn't matter if it's after sex or at any other time.
.

2. You've offered him a second sex session on a plate. Men of low character will have sex with women they consider to be ugly, boring, and unlikeable. Some men will even have sex with women they hate! The fact he responds positively to your message is not a sign things are going well, or that he likes and respects you. It just means you're there and offering sex.

Nope. I don't think I'd be offering anything on a plate - just communicating how I feel and what I think. I could change my mind about that at any time. He could just as easily text me immediately saying it was great and he wants to see me again - and still just be using me for sex. If that's what he wants to do, why wouldn't he lie to make sure he gets it?

3. You have implicitly communicated to him that you are happy for him to be passive in the new relationship. You will offer further intimacy without any courtship or effort on his part.

I don't really believe in courtship and chivalry and expecting men to take the lead. I just communicate honestly and hope they do the same. I would hope that I have implicitly communicated that I don't mess around, know what I want and like him. Why not?

Palmfrond · 10/02/2022 17:11

@Rocaille

What did I lose by contacting him first?

You lost the chance to evaluate fully his conduct after sex. Would he have had the emotional intelligence and consideration to message you promptly? Or would he ignored you due to post-nut clarity and a base, disrespectful and unappreciative character? You'll never know now.

You've offered him a second sex session on a plate. Men of low character will have sex with women they consider to be ugly, boring, and unlikeable. Some men will even have sex with women they hate! The fact he responds positively to your message is not a sign things are going well, or that he likes and respects you. It just means you're there and offering sex.

You have implicitly communicated to him that you are happy for him to be passive in the new relationship. You will offer further intimacy without any courtship or effort on his part.

This, in a nutshell!

BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 17:15

Some of you have read 'He's Just Not That Into You' and taken it as gospel.

Palmfrond · 10/02/2022 17:18

@Cheekypeach

There have been countless times when I've either gone off a man after sex (because he wasn't as good as I envisaged) or wasn't invested in them in the first place (but just wanted one-off sex with a good-looking man).

Same. Very small penis, PE, or I just haven’t really enjoyed it that much 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lol, having countless unsatisfactory sexual encounters with casual partners suggests that your learning curve needs a bit of work, no?

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 17:20

@lifeissweet

I agree he should be binned at any point if he's rude/dismissive. However, I do think you've given him something very special: he's been inside your body. It's a big deal and he should be correspondingly appreciative and careful of your feelings.

Yes, he could easily text, say all the right things and still be using you. I'd say texting first is necessary but not sufficient. Not texting is an immediate strike out, texting just means the evaluation continues.

We differ her because I do believe men should court women and be chivalrous. It makes sense that they give more because they have much more to gain from a relationship than the woman.

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 17:22

Sorry, should have said he has a lot more to gain from a sexual encounter/relationship than the woman, and any sexual encounter/relationship imposes much heavier burdens on her than him.

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 17:23

Lol, having countless unsatisfactory sexual encounters with casual partners suggests that your learning curve needs a bit of work, no?

I would suggest that this depends what you're looking for.

Also, how can you make sure you're sexually compatible without...you know...having sex? You could do all sorts of vetting and getting to know the depths of someone's soul, but until you get to it, you don't know, do you?

Nothing wrong with having casual partners either, if that's what you want.

AppleJane · 10/02/2022 17:27

OP just text and say 'last night was nice'. And take it from there. At least you'll know where you stand. Life's too short for games.

JaninaDuszejko · 10/02/2022 17:29

I think it's too late now and the OP shouldn't bother texting him now. But for next time think about what you are looking for whether that is a possible relationship or just sex. And only have sex if you are so horny you want it even if you think you'll never see him again, don't do it to show how into him you are. If it's good then feel free to say you'd be up for having sex again, if it's not say 'thanks for that, see you around'.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 10/02/2022 17:45

@Rocaille

If he's a man a good character, none of things I listed above will matter. But chances are he's not that. Congratulations: you've just played yourself.

You seem to be stating a lot of opinions as fact. Your opinions may be right for you and your mindset but arguably I don't think you can set it out definitively as a flow chart like that. A guy could fail at one of your hurdles for whatever reason and that doesn't mean he doesn't have a good character or Is a bad person.

ListeningButNotHearing · 10/02/2022 17:55

Call me old fashioned, but I would never chase a man, even more so under your circumstances.
On the occasions I have done it's always turned out to be negative in the long-run.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 10/02/2022 18:35

I do believe men should court women and be chivalrous

Some might say that chivalry is a form sexism by assuming women are weaker than men (not just physically), and need male protection and need to be treated like china dolls, and must be doted on and cannot do anything for themselves, and force man to follow stupid rule (I’m sure everyone can work a chair or a door) so should be dead.

Whereas other might say modern chivalry is just about being decent to other people, no matter who they are, or what gender, they are, the way in which equality does.

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 19:35

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

I do believe men should court women and be chivalrous

Some might say that chivalry is a form sexism by assuming women are weaker than men (not just physically), and need male protection and need to be treated like china dolls, and must be doted on and cannot do anything for themselves, and force man to follow stupid rule (I’m sure everyone can work a chair or a door) so should be dead.

Whereas other might say modern chivalry is just about being decent to other people, no matter who they are, or what gender, they are, the way in which equality does.

I like the second definition. I feel really uncomfortable about being treated like a precious thing rather than an equal.

The rest of this thread is extraordinary, though.

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 20:36

Why do you assume that any inequality between the sexes means that women are inferior?

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 20:37

I feel really uncomfortable about being treated like a precious thing rather than an equal.

But you are a precious thing.

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 20:39

@Rocaille

I feel really uncomfortable about being treated like a precious thing rather than an equal.

But you are a precious thing.

That's sweet, but a assure you, I'm not!

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 20:40

@Rocaille

Why do you assume that any inequality between the sexes means that women are inferior?

Who said this?

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 20:42

A guy could fail at one of your hurdles for whatever reason and that doesn't mean he doesn't have a good character or Is a bad person.

No. It takes less than 10 seconds to pick up the phone and send a nice text. If he can't do that, he's trash.

It's really not a big ask.

BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 20:43

@Rocaille

A guy could fail at one of your hurdles for whatever reason and that doesn't mean he doesn't have a good character or Is a bad person.

No. It takes less than 10 seconds to pick up the phone and send a nice text. If he can't do that, he's trash.

It's really not a big ask.

Wtf.

Branster · 10/02/2022 20:48

@RedCandyApple

I don’t care if it’s outdated, I wouldn’t reach out first personally.

I agree. And they should reach out the same day, not next day. But I can only talk about serious relationships. Zero experience or expectations of the modern ways of dating here.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 10/02/2022 21:13

@Rocaille

I feel really uncomfortable about being treated like a precious thing rather than an equal.

But you are a precious thing.

Cannot take you seriously now, that’s just ridiculous

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 10/02/2022 21:21

@JaninaDuszejko

I think it's too late now and the OP shouldn't bother texting him now. But for next time think about what you are looking for whether that is a possible relationship or just sex. And only have sex if you are so horny you want it even if you think you'll never see him again, don't do it to show how into him you are. If it's good then feel free to say you'd be up for having sex again, if it's not say 'thanks for that, see you around'.

Well no, he didn't want to see her anyway and told her some story about his grandma having a stroke which may or may not have been true.

OnaBegonia · 10/02/2022 21:21

He's had radio silence for two
days too!!