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Original poster

Should the guy always reach out first after sex?

162 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 09/02/2022 17:35

Have always expected the guy to be the one to make the first after having sex with them for the first time - whether by phone call or by text.

I have always been of the firm belief that if they don’t get in touch the next day that they’re just not that into you.

Is this an outdated mindset? Or is lack of contact after sex from the guy a strong indicator that he isn’t interested?

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/02/2022 06:49

Fair enough, but still, I, a man, am not going to be holding off because of that. I’ll presume there’s more to be had, unless I think I can get it elsewhere. Ugly, but true.

So you never question whether the woman thought you were awful and is dreading your name pinging on to her phone? While it must be nice to be so confident please be assured we can go off men after sex for a number of reasons just as you can 😆

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 10/02/2022 07:19

Maybe he just didn’t enjoy the sex very much 🤷🏼‍♂️

Pinkbonbon · 10/02/2022 07:26

@Fallingslowly26

Surely not a great sign if I have had radio silence for two days though?
Depends if that is normal between you or not.
gannett · 10/02/2022 07:43

[quote Palmfrond]@WonderfulYou
Not trying to be horrible but there is zero chance he’s thinking the same.
After a woman has allowed me to put my penis in her body, I am no longer wondering if she likes me or not.[/quote]
That's very over-confident of you. There have been countless times when I've either gone off a man after sex (because he wasn't as good as I envisaged) or wasn't invested in them in the first place (but just wanted one-off sex with a good-looking man).

gannett · 10/02/2022 07:50

Anyway the depressing thing about these outdated views is how little weight seems to be placed on what the woman actually wants.

Do you like the man as a person, and want to see him again? Was the sex great for you, and do you want it again? If the answer to either of those things is yes, you shouldn't play games that might artificially stop you getting what you want. If you're lukewarm, let him make the move and prove himself a bit more.

The other real-life factor that these stupid rules don't take into account is that after a handful of dates and a shag, no one knows whether they really, properly like the other person. Because you don't KNOW them yet, not properly. That takes months if not years. The vast majority of people fall into the "quite like them, wouldn't mind seeing them again, maybe this has legs but maybe it doesn't" category. I don't expect a man to prove how much he likes me before he really knows me.

SoupDragon · 10/02/2022 07:54

Just contact him!

Why is it a sign he isn't interested but it's absolutely fine for you to not contact him? Play silly mind games like this is never going to work out well - if you want to see him again, message him.

Someone mentioned "pick and mix equality" up thread. This is so true!

Palmfrond · 10/02/2022 09:20

@SoupDragon

Just contact him!

Why is it a sign he isn't interested but it's absolutely fine for you to not contact him? Play silly mind games like this is never going to work out well - if you want to see him again, message him.

Someone mentioned "pick and mix equality" up thread. This is so true!

Seems like some people on this thread want to pick & mix biology based dimorphic sexual behaviour in humans. Equality is the ideal, unfortunately not the reality.
JudgeRindersMinder · 10/02/2022 09:22

@Fallingslowly26

Surely not a great sign if I have had radio silence for two days though?
Maybe he thinks the same
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 10/02/2022 09:27

@Fallingslowly26

Surely not a great sign if I have had radio silence for two days though?
He might be thinking exactly the same
layladomino · 10/02/2022 09:32

Double standards and game playing. If you want to be an equal in the relationship, you act like an equal. From the start.

Waiting for him to make the first move is game playing, testing him, waiting for him to take the lead. You have as much right to drive the relationship forward as him. If he isn't in to you there are many ways of realising that's the case.

If two people both think 'if they liked me they'd call' then you'll never progress what could be a good relationship.

It's 2022!

workshy44 · 10/02/2022 11:36

Hes not interested, if he was, you would know. It's always the same on these threads, people advised to contact the guy, maybe he thinks you are not keen too etc etc and they always without exception get the brushoff or ignored.

2Gen · 10/02/2022 11:40

@Fallingslowly26- I wish I wasn't, but that's what I've learnt. It's crap and like I said, unfair but life isn't fair. Like every other aspect of life, we have to face up to the realities we don't like and learn to navigate them. I'd also warn you that if yer man does contact you after a while, be VERY wary. He might have a valid reason, in which case he will explain and apologise, but it'd have to be something credible. A breezy text or call acting like nothing ever happened would not and should not be good enough for you. It'd mean he was just wanting the ride again and was hoping you'd give it to him. Don't even acknowledge that sort of communication, you'd only end up being used and discarded again!
I'd say your best bet is to delete, block, consign him to the bin marked "time-wasters" and move on! And no moral judgement at all, but hold off on sex until you are sure the next man really, really likes you! All the best to you and a hug!

HaggisBurger · 10/02/2022 11:42

I know it’s old fashioned but I think yes they should. And I’ve always waited for the man to contact. 2 days would have be thinking - no he’s not.

housemaus · 10/02/2022 12:05

@Fallingslowly26

Surely not a great sign if I have had radio silence for two days though?
Maybe he's thinking the same?

There are no rules, and assuming he's operating under an outdated, unspoken 'he messages first' rule and then being annoyed when he doesn't play along to rules he didn't know were there in the first place is insane.

Maybe he's sitting there wondering why you haven't messaged and not wanting to seem to keen. Maybe he's not arsed. You won't know unless you try and speak to him.

HaggisBurger · 10/02/2022 12:28

Even if it was a case that he really liked op
and was waiting for her to contact him - I’d be thinking, ugh do I want a relationship with someone that passive? Am I going to have to drive this relationship.

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 12:33

In general, no. I have no such 'rules' and wasn't aware that people think this way. Why should a man feel like he is in control after you've had sex? Why would you feel a man was automatically in control after sex? I don't get it.

In this situation, he hasn't been in touch, so isn't bothered. You have your answer.

Suprima · 10/02/2022 12:38

@Fallingslowly26

Have always expected the guy to be the one to make the first after having sex with them for the first time - whether by phone call or by text.

I have always been of the firm belief that if they don’t get in touch the next day that they’re just not that into you.

Is this an outdated mindset? Or is lack of contact after sex from the guy a strong indicator that he isn’t interested?

If dating, I don’t have sex with people when there is even a shadow of doubt that they ‘won’t reach out’.

I have had one night stands and flings for the thrill of it- but if you are dating and unsure whether he is going to reach out and there will be text anxiety…probably best not to shag them.

But back to what you were asking- lots of people who want a relationship have sex with blokes when value and commitment hasn’t been demonstrated. So yeah, if he cools off after you have shagged- fairly certain he isn’t interested.

Lots of deluded people in situationships will say ‘he has a lot of work stress!!!’ ‘he is busy!!!’ but they are simply trying to make themselves feel better. No contact = no fucks given about you.

Suprima · 10/02/2022 12:40

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

This was the original thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4473660-Heartbroken-that-things-have-ended-over-a-misunderstanding

OP, this wasn't a relationship to end, he tried before he bought and backed off in a very immature and unfeeling way.

To repeat myself again, simply don't sleep with them and get invested until you know it's going somewhere. You aren't obliged to shag them after a date or two, or to do it because you think it will move things along, it won't, necessarily.

He told you what you wanted to hear in order to get you in bed and you need to be able to weed out the guys that do this.

This is bloody refreshing to read on here. Usually any sex thread is full of the ‘go girl!!!’ ‘jump his bones!!!’ ‘I snagged my DH behind the pub we met and we have been together 78 years!’ when the OP clearly wants more and only wants to progress sexually if that ‘more’ is eventually coming.
BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 12:44

@Fallingslowly26

Surely not a great sign if I have had radio silence for two days though?
He's probably thinking the same.
Crazykatie · 10/02/2022 12:58

I’ve always been independant minded, if I want something I ask, for instance, second date with OH I took him to the theatre, establishing the equal relationship from the start. 3 yrs on it works fine, waiting to be asked is not a recipe for a good relationship.

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 13:05

If he doesn't reach out first, that's a sign he doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. Him checking in with you after sex is bare minimum behaviour. Think about how you'd behave if you were a man.

Also, if you're feeling anxious about whether or not someone will be in touch after sex, that's an indication he hasn't yet proved himself worthy of being intimate with you.

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 13:10

High-minded notions of equality are not relevant here: sex isn't equal, and the quicker we as women acknowledge this reality, the safer, happier, and better satisfied we'll be.

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 13:13

Why should a man feel like he is in control after you've had sex? Why would you feel a man was automatically in control after sex? I don't get it.

Waiting for the man to call gives OP more, not less control. She can assess his behaviour and reject him if he doesn't measure up

RedCandyApple · 10/02/2022 13:28

If the op contacts him first then she is definitely not the one in control. She is the one doing the chasing so quite the opposite. And imo men will very rarely turn down an offer of sex so there is every possibly he will see her again to get his leg over without actually liking her or wanting anything more, literally because he’s bored and horny.

Cheekypeach · 10/02/2022 13:31

@Rocaille

Why should a man feel like he is in control after you've had sex? Why would you feel a man was automatically in control after sex? I don't get it.

Waiting for the man to call gives OP more, not less control. She can assess his behaviour and reject him if he doesn't measure up

Exactly. Messaging is a bit like tennis, if he messages her the ball is very much in her court.
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