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Original poster

Should the guy always reach out first after sex?

162 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 09/02/2022 17:35

Have always expected the guy to be the one to make the first after having sex with them for the first time - whether by phone call or by text.

I have always been of the firm belief that if they don’t get in touch the next day that they’re just not that into you.

Is this an outdated mindset? Or is lack of contact after sex from the guy a strong indicator that he isn’t interested?

OP posts:
FrustratedTeddyLamp · 10/02/2022 13:41
  1. men will chase if he's interested
  2. men will ask you out if he's interested
  3. men will pay if theyre interested 4)men will try to initiate if hes interested in sex
  4. men will get in contact first if they're interested
  5. men should propose

This is all stuff that I see on MN to varying degrees. Feels like many expect to do nothing if they like someone

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 13:44

For me, him being solicitous of my emotional needs (especially around sex) is a boundary. If he can't do that, he's out. That doesn't mean I'm 'less equal' than him or 'playing games', as some of the posters here might suppose.

Stop trying to prove to men you barely know that you're as good as them. Consider whether they are worthy of you.

Hawaii33 · 10/02/2022 13:49

I think times have changed now and the traditional approach no longer seems to apply. It's nice to be complimented and treated like a lady but it's not how it was.

Dmsandfloatydress · 10/02/2022 13:52

When I was younger I never slept with anyone I wanted to see again outside of a committed relationship. Men and women are just different when it comes to sex. Women release oxytocin ( cuddle hormone) after sex and men don't. This is biologically because you could be pregnant and therefore would benefit from him sticking around. Men are programmed to spread their seed widely. If women want to enjoy casual sex that's fine but don't do it with someone you want a relationship with. It doesn't make them feel more bonded to you.

Cheekypeach · 10/02/2022 14:12

There have been countless times when I've either gone off a man after sex (because he wasn't as good as I envisaged) or wasn't invested in them in the first place (but just wanted one-off sex with a good-looking man).

Same. Very small penis, PE, or I just haven’t really enjoyed it that much 🤷🏼‍♀️

DillonPanthersTexas · 10/02/2022 14:29

This is all stuff that I see on MN to varying degrees. Feels like many expect to do nothing if they like someone

Same on some of the online dating threads where some women think it's a case of just loading up a profile and then pouring yourself a glass of wine while you wait for your inbox to fill up with with adoring messages from men. They seem genuinely surprised when advised that it pays dividends if they do a bit of chasing as well.

MalagaNights · 10/02/2022 14:33

It's currently popular to believe that men and women's emotional respones to sex are exactly the same and therefore any role expectations (such as a man contacting you after) are outdated.

However it's absurd to conflate 'equality' with exactly the same. Men and women on average are different. With quite clear evolutionary and reproductive role explanations for that.

On average men and women do often approach and respond emotionally to sex differently (not always for all of you wth your anecdotes, and anyone can do whatever they like whihc is equality) but generally it is still true that after sex women often feel more emotionally attached & place higher significance on the encounter.

Just stating women and men are the same doesn't make it so.

OP if he hasn't contacted you aftre 2 days he's either not interested or disintersted in being thoughtful towards you.
Both are painful. Give yourself some time, and store it away as a learning experience.

Bakewelltart987 · 10/02/2022 14:46

Just bloody text him if he blanks you then you know what's what instead of second guessing.

SoupDragon · 10/02/2022 14:52

Seems like some people on this thread want to pick & mix biology based dimorphic sexual behaviour in humans.

🙄 so now it's a biological thing that means the man has to text first? Really?

Obviously the OP doesn't care enough to have texted "had a great time last night" or something. StIll, this is MN where the man is always wrong and the same behaviour from a woman is always right.

Musicaltheatremum · 10/02/2022 14:56

@layladomino

Double standards and game playing. If you want to be an equal in the relationship, you act like an equal. From the start.

Waiting for him to make the first move is game playing, testing him, waiting for him to take the lead. You have as much right to drive the relationship forward as him. If he isn't in to you there are many ways of realising that's the case.

If two people both think 'if they liked me they'd call' then you'll never progress what could be a good relationship.

It's 2022!

100% agree with this.
BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 14:57

@SoupDragon

Seems like some people on this thread want to pick & mix biology based dimorphic sexual behaviour in humans.

🙄 so now it's a biological thing that means the man has to text first? Really?

Obviously the OP doesn't care enough to have texted "had a great time last night" or something. StIll, this is MN where the man is always wrong and the same behaviour from a woman is always right.

Agree.

It's classic MN really. Women want to be in control and also want men to take the lead.

Some of these comments make me feel like we've stepped back into 1950.

shouldhavewouldhave · 10/02/2022 15:03

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

1) men will chase if he's interested 2) men will ask you out if he's interested 3) men will pay if theyre interested 4)men will try to initiate if hes interested in sex 5) men will get in contact first if they're interested 6) men should propose

This is all stuff that I see on MN to varying degrees. Feels like many expect to do nothing if they like someone

Honey, women do plenty!

You're just not valuing them.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 10/02/2022 15:20

HoneyHmm

I think you've got your wires crossed

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 15:26

I didn't know this was a thing and have never given a second thought to whether I contact someone first or not.

Do men know they are supposed to do this? Was I supposed to know I was meant to wait? I'm so confused.

BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 15:39

@lifeissweet it's for those who think there are some kind of dating rules to be adhered to I guess. All I know is if I enjoyed myself I let them know instead of waiting for them to get in touch. If they don't respond in kind I have my answer and I move on.

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 15:50

Double standards and game playing. If you want to be an equal in the relationship, you act like an equal. From the start.

You can set any standard you want. Could be double, triple, whatever. The point is it's your standard: you get to decide who is allowed access and on what terms. You don't have to live up to some abstract standard of equality in your dating life, especially when it's disadvantageous.

And you don't need some stupid man you barely know to ratify your equality with himself. You're more than that already.

It's so sad to see feminism being weaponized against women in this way.

RedCandyApple · 10/02/2022 15:50

@lifeissweet

I didn't know this was a thing and have never given a second thought to whether I contact someone first or not.

Do men know they are supposed to do this? Was I supposed to know I was meant to wait? I'm so confused.

Men don’t have to know; if they like you enough they would have contacted you again either way.
Rocaille · 10/02/2022 15:51

Do men know they are supposed to do this?

Oh they know

ValerieCupcake · 10/02/2022 15:57

I fancied a guy once for years. He was the older brother of a girl I was at school with. I bumped into him in a club and we spent the evening together kissing. We went back to my flat and slept together and he was all complimentary. Never heard from him again. I called him and asked him out. He said he couldn't because he was in a spot of bother. I asked what it was and he said it was private. More like he had a girlfriend. Next time I saw him it was in a club with a group of his friends and I was with mine. I ignored him. He said it was embarrassing. Looked him up on FB. Dodged a bullet for sure.

lifeissweet · 10/02/2022 15:59

[quote BuddhaForMary]@lifeissweet it's for those who think there are some kind of dating rules to be adhered to I guess. All I know is if I enjoyed myself I let them know instead of waiting for them to get in touch. If they don't respond in kind I have my answer and I move on. [/quote]
This is what I've always done.

I'm still not getting it (I'm really not being deliberately stupid, so be patient with me!). Why does it matter if I contact him first saying 'that was great. It would be good to see you again. Are you free next week?'?

He can say at that point if he isn't interested. You know - up front like a grown up.

Or ghost me if he's not a grown-up.

What did I lose by contacting him first?

BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 16:01

@lifeissweet do what you always do. You lose nothing.

Rocaille · 10/02/2022 16:07

What did I lose by contacting him first?

  1. You lost the chance to evaluate fully his conduct after sex. Would he have had the emotional intelligence and consideration to message you promptly? Or would he ignored you due to post-nut clarity and a base, disrespectful and unappreciative character? You'll never know now.
  1. You've offered him a second sex session on a plate. Men of low character will have sex with women they consider to be ugly, boring, and unlikeable. Some men will even have sex with women they hate! The fact he responds positively to your message is not a sign things are going well, or that he likes and respects you. It just means you're there and offering sex.
  1. You have implicitly communicated to him that you are happy for him to be passive in the new relationship. You will offer further intimacy without any courtship or effort on his part.
Rocaille · 10/02/2022 16:10

If he's a man a good character, none of things I listed above will matter. But chances are he's not that. Congratulations: you've just played yourself.

BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 16:14

Let me get this straight.

A woman waiting for a man to validate their sexual experience by texting her first is MORE in control than one who texts him first.

Give over.

I text him, I say I enjoyed our encounter and I'd be interested in doing it again. If he messages back on the same page, win. If he doesn't, still win because I know he's both worth a second thought. And I stay in control rather than handing control to him.

BuddhaForMary · 10/02/2022 16:15

*not worth a second thought.

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