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Original poster

Should the guy always reach out first after sex?

162 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 09/02/2022 17:35

Have always expected the guy to be the one to make the first after having sex with them for the first time - whether by phone call or by text.

I have always been of the firm belief that if they don’t get in touch the next day that they’re just not that into you.

Is this an outdated mindset? Or is lack of contact after sex from the guy a strong indicator that he isn’t interested?

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 09/02/2022 19:10

Outdated. 100%
If you like someone go for it. Men have the same insecurities as women and it's not fair to pin everything on them.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/02/2022 19:11

Well DH didn't call me for 3 days after the first time. But was very keen afterwards ( been together since 1998)

Palmfrond · 09/02/2022 19:14

@Fallingslowly26 perhaps there’s a valid reason, but to be blunt, as a man, I’d never waste time playing it cool after the deal had been sealed. I have friends who did this in our 20s & 30s and though they are my friends they are also twats. Never understood it myself.
Or maybe he lost his phone?

MrsGHarrison87 · 09/02/2022 19:15

In my experience, the guys who have initiated things, been more active in communicating that they want to be with me or take things further have been the ones who I've gone on to have meaningful relationships with/ marriage. The ones who I feel I've had to do most of the work with are the ones who either just want sex or want to keep things casual. I think he should have got in touch with you by now. I don't care if that's seen as old fashioned, it's still the way things are. You should never need to chase after a man, if you do, it shows they aren't that bothered. The ones that are bothered will leave you in no doubt.

DatingDinosaur · 09/02/2022 19:29

@Fallingslowly26

Surely not a great sign if I have had radio silence for two days though?
He might be thinking the same..
user1481840227 · 09/02/2022 19:46

I think if they're interested then they will contact you soon afterwards.

I also think that even if they think they are modern men and that the old social norms are outdated that they should message first because it shows emotional maturity and some awareness of womens feelings.

Lilymossflower · 09/02/2022 19:49

In my experience, him contacting you first after sex means he is interested in you as a person a bit more, and if he does not contact you first after sex it means he sees it as a casual thing, you could message him yourself if you want casual sex again but not expect the emotional investment of a relationship

BTYU · 09/02/2022 20:15

I think your previous experience has taught you this. Lot of these types now. Few dates, warm you up, shag, go quiet and move on to next one.

WonderfulYou · 09/02/2022 20:33

Surely not a great sign if I have had radio silence for two days though?

He’s probably thinking the same.

Why not reach out once and if he doesn’t make the effort to text after that then you have your answer.

Palmfrond · 09/02/2022 20:39

@WonderfulYou
Not trying to be horrible but there is zero chance he’s thinking the same.
After a woman has allowed me to put my penis in her body, I am no longer wondering if she likes me or not.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 09/02/2022 20:40

@BTYU yep seems to be a bit of a pattern. Killed into a false sense of security as they’re making an effort for those first few dates, only to start pulling away after that

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 09/02/2022 20:41

*Lulled, not killed!

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 09/02/2022 20:47

@RedCandyApple

I’ve yet to meet a man that hasn’t reached out first after sex and tbh no I don’t think men and women are equal when it comes to sex (preparing to be flamed 😂) but that’s my opinion.
Agree. If men and women were the same sexually then everyone would be bisexual but they’re not.
Heidi451 · 09/02/2022 21:13

[quote Palmfrond]@WonderfulYou
Not trying to be horrible but there is zero chance he’s thinking the same.
After a woman has allowed me to put my penis in her body, I am no longer wondering if she likes me or not.[/quote]
Exactly.

Iamthedom · 09/02/2022 21:33

I think if he hasn’t got in touch within 2-3 days then I don’t think he is that bothered about seeing you again .
However if he gets in touch in a week or so he’s scratching his dick and thinking who’s available for a booty call

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/02/2022 21:34

This is on the back of the post you made the other day? About the two dates followed by sex and then he made up some excuse about his grandma having a stroke or something?

I think that thread is full of good advice, the most important one being don't have sex with someone you don't know well enough/aren't sure of and then you won't get this situation of worrying and waiting.

WonderfulYou · 09/02/2022 21:41

Not trying to be horrible but there is zero chance he’s thinking the same.
After a woman has allowed me to put my penis in her body, I am no longer wondering if she likes me or not.

It’s very common for someone to go off someone after sex.

How many threads just on MN have there been of awful first times and whether they should see them again or not.

iwishu · 09/02/2022 21:41

I don't think it matters who reaches out first, if your having sex then you assume it's all going well so why wouldn't you, however the way he interacts back tells you everything, if he's taking a day to respond or giving short answers then you know he's not interested.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/02/2022 21:46

This was the original thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4473660-Heartbroken-that-things-have-ended-over-a-misunderstanding

OP, this wasn't a relationship to end, he tried before he bought and backed off in a very immature and unfeeling way.

To repeat myself again, simply don't sleep with them and get invested until you know it's going somewhere. You aren't obliged to shag them after a date or two, or to do it because you think it will move things along, it won't, necessarily.

He told you what you wanted to hear in order to get you in bed and you need to be able to weed out the guys that do this.

Palmfrond · 09/02/2022 22:47

@WonderfulYou

Not trying to be horrible but there is zero chance he’s thinking the same. After a woman has allowed me to put my penis in her body, I am no longer wondering if she likes me or not.

It’s very common for someone to go off someone after sex.

How many threads just on MN have there been of awful first times and whether they should see them again or not.

Fair enough, but still, I, a man, am not going to be holding off because of that. I’ll presume there’s more to be had, unless I think I can get it elsewhere. Ugly, but true.
supercali77 · 09/02/2022 23:35

Sex is different for men and women. Sorry but it is. Outdated it may be. But I always expected the man to follow up first.

Cheekypeach · 09/02/2022 23:36

@MiddleParking

I wouldn’t get in touch with him first.
Nor me.

If I’ve learned one thing; if men want to do something, they do it.

So if they don’t message - it’s because they don’t want to.

I think as a woman you have to protect yourself & your feelings a bit.

Mumof3confused · 10/02/2022 00:13

I don’t necessarily think he must message you first but seeing as he hasn’t been in touch for 2 days, that shows he’s not that keen. When a man is into you, they don’t mess about. At least not the good ones.

Mermaidwaves · 10/02/2022 05:03

It is outdated but its sadly also true. He won't be wondering about you and if you like him, he's just not interested. If he's horny he might give a lacklustre reply, but I'm pretty sure he won't respond enthusiastically and be relieved you messaged!

It's sad that it's still this way but I'm afraid the dynamic between men and women hasn't really changed, much as we like to fool ourselves that it has.

StarlightLady · 10/02/2022 06:06

Very outdated. Doing that can result in 2 people waiting for each other and nothing happening.

Swipe left for the next trending thread