Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL in prison for child s. abuse, please advise!

208 replies

Overreactingmom13 · 08/02/2022 11:50

Hi everyone, this is my first post here after lurking for years. I desperately need the opinion of strangers who are not emotionally involved in my current situation and might have a clearer head.

TW child sexual abuse

My FIL went to prison yesterday for molesting one of his granddaughters when she was about 12. Years long battle in court, the girl moved to a different city to live with her older sister because 90% of their family thinks she is lying.

FIL is a widow now, has 3 sons, they are a typical wolf pack, protecting each other. Oldest son (the molested girl’s father) believes FIL. Middle son also believes him. DH is the youngest, also believes him.

DH and his brothers grew up emotionally abused, groomed and conditioned to think that dirty sex jokes at the family dinner table with minors around is normal. Their opinion is that FIL doesn’t realise his jokes are crossing the line but he is harmless.

1 day before we were told he’s going to prison (good timing hmm?) we were talking to him on Facetime while our 2 year old DD was eating a banana, let’s be real she was eating it messy, pushing it in her mouth, like any innocent 2 year old. Here comes FIL with one of infamous jokes, telling DD “yes keep practicing, you’ll have to do it soon enough”. In my shock I immediately hung up without saying a word, like a coward. I’m beating myself up still…
I told DH to talk to him about it, he promised he will. Yeah sure. Next day the news come that he’s going to prison, his nasty joke forgotten cause all 3 of his sons are panicking, whats going to happen to their father.

DH is extremely sensitive and naive, completely under the influence of his father and he said to me “please let me believe he is innocent” also that “you are overreacting what he said to DD, it was just a stupid joke”. Growing up in that house with FIL will do that to you, I guess.

I know I’m not overreacting.
What I need to figure out is how to get on the same page as him. He needs to be able smell predators, he can’t be blind when he has a DD.
At the same time I somehow has to consider his feelings, this is a major trauma even to an adult to have their parent in prison for something like this.

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 08/02/2022 11:52

I don’t know what to advise-wiser heads will be along, I hope. Hold on to the CERTAINTY that you are right and DH is wrong.
Is there a way you can be in contact with your niece to reassure her that she is believed?

Mrsjayy · 08/02/2022 11:56

So your husbands father is a paedophile and abuses children and your husband sees it all qs a misunderstanding and his father's comments is just "banter" you don't have to consider your husbands feelings your priority is your child.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 08/02/2022 11:58

Sadly dh's denial would worry me regarding keeping your dd safe..
If he is unable to recognise serious red flags.. Maybe a therapist would help him unpick his feelings
.
We went nc with mil.
Then dh dropped a bombshell about an incident he remembered.. Thank God she never had my dc alone.

CagneyNYPD1 · 08/02/2022 11:58

Your best bet at tihis stage is to speak to an organisation such as the Nspcc. You need professional support and guidance.

FWIW, your reaction and thoughts are spot on. Do not allow anyone to tell you otherwise. Because people in your life will try to minimise so that they don't have to face the reality of what happened.

You heard with your own ears what this man said to your DD. It tells you that he views a young child as a sexual being. You do not need to prove anything to anyone.

What you do about you husband, I do not know.

Mrsjayy · 08/02/2022 11:59

And I can't even figure out what to say about your poor Neice nobody believing her her whole family rejects her as a liar, what a dysfunctional family you are entangled in.

StellaGibs · 08/02/2022 12:00

She won the case which is hard to do, so the evidence must have been good enough right?

I dont know how Id deal with this. Id be afraid being involved with a family in denial and accustomed to the behaviour of a sexual abuser. One that wants to live in denial because it suits him. I feel bad for him, as someone who was also abused I can sort of understand, but it makes your daughter quite vulnerable to abuse from him. I dont necessarily mean sexually, but it is possible. Im not sure I could trust him.

Do you trust him?

RandomUser10093 · 08/02/2022 12:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 08/02/2022 12:01

Ask him what the boundaries should be with regard your daughter, what does he think is appropriate sexual behaviour from another person towards her and where does it cross the line?

That should give you a good idea of whether you can trust him to have any oversight at all in these matters or whether you have big problems.

StellaGibs · 08/02/2022 12:02

Also: you cant do this on your own. He needs therapy to get on the same page as you.

Yuckypretty · 08/02/2022 12:04

You are not a coward for hanging up. Thata exactly what I would do, it sends a clear message that you will not put up with that.

Your DH is in denial. Does he also makes these disgusting jokes?

I would give you DH an ultimatum, he either goes to couples counselling with you where the focus is it on him understanding the risk or it's over.

Shmithecat2 · 08/02/2022 12:04

A) your poor niece. I hope she's getting the support she needs and has no contact with her despicable father.

B) to make that kind of 'joke' about a 2yo eating a banana makes my stomach turn. If your dh doesn't feel the same, I'd be leaving him, filing a C100 form and insisting that your dh has supervised contact with your daughter only.

Original poster
Overreactingmom13 · 08/02/2022 12:04

Omg thank for all these replies so far. Just a quick one, I have DD with me all day today while DH is at work, so will reply tonight once she’s asleep.

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 08/02/2022 12:05

I'm sorry but I couldn't be with someone who wanted me to " let him believe he's innocent" that means he knows he's bot but he's turning a bind eye and has outcast his niece. That's disgusting. I actually can't believe that all 3 of these man have taken the pedophiles side over their niece and DAIGHTER!!

jytdtysrht · 08/02/2022 12:05

Well on the plus side FIL is in prison. How long is he there for? At least you can put the problem off.

It’s glaringly obvious he’s guilty and clearly the legal system agreed. Visualising a 2yo doing something sexual whilst eating a banana is absolutely fucking sick and deranged - indicative of a real perversion. Then voicing that thought is even worse.

I would ask your dh to go and get some therapy. It will be too difficult for you to talk him out of the crazy notion that this paedo is actually not a paedo. Abusers are skilled manipulators so I can understand how your dh has come to be like this.

Motnight · 08/02/2022 12:05

Your dh needs to agree to counselling now. This is so screwed up, if he cannot come to an understanding of this then you have to make a decision about whether or not to stay with him, surely?

The poor granddaughter. Treated as a liar by the people who should be protecting her. I'm not sure that I could get past this frankly. And you are being sucked into it already.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 08/02/2022 12:06

What the actual fuck?! He said that to your TWO year old and your DH is MINIMISING IT?!

I’m sorry OP but I could not be married to someone who was any less than furious, disgusted and calling out their father for that comment, let alone the fact that he refuses to face the fact that his father is a dangerous sexual predator.

Thatsplentyjack · 08/02/2022 12:06

DAUGHTER

RandomUser10093 · 08/02/2022 12:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 08/02/2022 12:08

Just to give some context, I have a 7yo DD and have had many conversations with DH, he is totally in agreement that DD needs to have the right to privacy, to set her own boundaries, to have open conversations with us about anything, to let us know when she is uncomfortable with anything. He has also been completely honest that he hasn't experienced what growing up as a girl is like, that he probably at some point has been inappropriate in his language or behaviours towards girls/women but wouldn't do it deliberately and feels awful that he may have inadvertently made someone feel vulnerable. He has asked that I take the lead on any discussions with DD about body autonomy and setting boundaries but that he will reinforce and would like where possible and where she is comfortable to be part of the conversation so she knows that she can come to him too and he will always believe and support her.

MrsBaublesDylan · 08/02/2022 12:08

Well, he can't safeguard your dd given his beliefs can he?

So start there. What do you need to put in place to protect your dd being FiL's next victim?

I would suggest tell DH that dd will never be in contact with him (or you) which means no letters, no FaceTimes and no visits.

I would also tell your dh that he is not to share any information with his Father about dd.

Frankly, the fact that your dh is denying sexual abuse that has been proved in court means that he is is supporting his Father and therefore, complicit in the abuse.

If I'm honest I am shocked you are so casual about allowing FiL visual access to your child.

jytdtysrht · 08/02/2022 12:08

If your dh cannot believe that his father is guilty then I suggest perhaps research similar victim statements and cases. Maybe on documentaries. You are right that he does need to be able it keep his dd safe and you should start from predators other than fil.

RandomUser10093 · 08/02/2022 12:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SpiderVersed · 08/02/2022 12:10

I agree with all PP saying your DH needs therapy. He needs to process what's happened, understand boundaries and realise that his father wasn't misunderstood, his father is an incestuous paedophile.

I hope you are in contact with the niece and she knows you support her. Being disbelieved by her family must have compounded her trauma.

Motnight · 08/02/2022 12:10

Op is there a chance that your dh was sexually abused by his father?

mummyh2016 · 08/02/2022 12:11

@BitcherOfBlakiven

What the actual fuck?! He said that to your TWO year old and your DH is MINIMISING IT?!

I’m sorry OP but I could not be married to someone who was any less than furious, disgusted and calling out their father for that comment, let alone the fact that he refuses to face the fact that his father is a dangerous sexual predator.

This. I do find everyone jumps on LTB on here for every little thing but in this case I completely agree with everyone else. I don't think I could be with DH if his FIL said something like this and he called it a stupid joke. At the same time though if we split up I would worry about FIL having unsupervised access to DD when he is released from prison, I feel like at least if you're together you would know where DD is all the time whereas you wouldn't if she's with her dad. How long as he been jailed for?