FIL in prison for child s. abuse, please advise!

[Overreactingmom13]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here after lurking for years. I desperately need the opinion of strangers who are not emotionally involved in my current situation and might have a clearer head.

TW child sexual abuse

My FIL went to prison yesterday for molesting one of his granddaughters when she was about 12. Years long battle in court, the girl moved to a different city to live with her older sister because 90% of their family thinks she is lying.

FIL is a widow now, has 3 sons, they are a typical wolf pack, protecting each other. Oldest son (the molested girl’s father) believes FIL. Middle son also believes him. DH is the youngest, also believes him.

DH and his brothers grew up emotionally abused, groomed and conditioned to think that dirty sex jokes at the family dinner table with minors around is normal. Their opinion is that FIL doesn’t realise his jokes are crossing the line but he is harmless.

1 day before we were told he’s going to prison (good timing hmm?) we were talking to him on Facetime while our 2 year old DD was eating a banana, let’s be real she was eating it messy, pushing it in her mouth, like any innocent 2 year old. Here comes FIL with one of infamous jokes, telling DD “yes keep practicing, you’ll have to do it soon enough”. In my shock I immediately hung up without saying a word, like a coward. I’m beating myself up still…
I told DH to talk to him about it, he promised he will. Yeah sure. Next day the news come that he’s going to prison, his nasty joke forgotten cause all 3 of his sons are panicking, whats going to happen to their father.

DH is extremely sensitive and naive, completely under the influence of his father and he said to me “please let me believe he is innocent” also that “you are overreacting what he said to DD, it was just a stupid joke”. Growing up in that house with FIL will do that to you, I guess.

I know I’m not overreacting.
What I need to figure out is how to get on the same page as him. He needs to be able smell predators, he can’t be blind when he has a DD.
At the same time I somehow has to consider his feelings, this is a major trauma even to an adult to have their parent in prison for something like this.

The poor girls father doesn't believe his daughter?? That poor kid.

You need professional advice here, op - maybe from NSPCC? I'd go NC with FIL, and I certainly wouldn't let my dc anywhere near him.

What a fucked-up family.

There is no way I could or would stay with someone who is in denial about their father being a predator. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't. Your husband doesn't believe his niece, would he believe his daughter? The whole family dynamic is fucked up, and your FIL is a gross, vile person. Good on you for hanging up. Disgusting.

Sorry, but I have zero tolerance for (sexual) abusers and their apologists.

Of course he wants to believe his dad. He had a genetic link to him. It will take time to come to terms with recognising that his own flesh and blood, his dad, could do this.

To be honest I think he knows he did it. That's why he asked you to ' let him believe he didn't' because it's just too horrific to take in.

If that's the case, it doesn't necessarily mean that he won't see red flags in others. But in this case it's his dad and that's way harder to see straight about.

I think that he will have accepted it by the time that it's down to him to recognise safeguarding issues alone. You will still be making decisions together for some time, and he won't be leaving her with anyone yet without your knowledge.

You need to give him a bit of time to get his head straight, at this point. It's come out of the blue to him. So don't panic yet.

I'm not defending your husband but please remember that he has been groomed his whole life to accept this as "normal" behaviour. He's going to need a whole heap of therapy to get over this but of course the sticking point is whether he accepts that he needs to get help or not.

You did the right thing in hanging up on your disgusting FIL. I would suspect (hope?) that if/when he is released from prison he will have strict limits on what access he is allowed to children and that you will be able to use those to protect your child.

Take things steadily with your DH, he may take time to come round but he needs to understand that this is not normal and not ok. The fact your FIL has actually gone to prison shows how serious his crimes are - sadly most sex offenders get suspended sentences and placed on the register.

I'm sure there must be support organisations out there for families of sex offenders that you might be able to put DH in touch with? This organisation is based in Scotland but they have some advice that might help - www.familiesoutside.org.uk/picking-pieces-2/

I would pack my daughter up and leave. I don't say that lightly. She is surrounded by men who have very, very skewed boundaries including your DH. I think you need to leave. I'm so sorry OP.

..and yes, please do call a helpline for advice. This is a really tough thing to be dealing with for both of you. You need an expert's take on this. MNers can only provide you with knee jerk responses and sympathy.

you were right to hang up straight away, and this shows your DH what a normal reaction to a comment like that is
luckily your DD will have had no idea what her GF was on about , but in a few years she will understand perfectly well
as you say your DH has been groomed to think this is acceptable, because when boundaries have been 'stretched' ('it's just a silly joke') it makes it easier for them to be pushed further, and you end up with people who don't believe a victim
I would certainly not allow any DC unsupervised near anyone in that family- and I'd have my doubts about supervised contact also if they excuse that type of comment.

I agree that you need some professional help wrt your DP - he needs support to recognise danger signs and realise how he has been groomed.
Good luck, it sounds very difficult.

Of course Dh wants to believe his father in innocent and somehow this has all been a horrible misunderstanding or someone is lying. That’s a far more attractive fact pattern for him than having to accept someone who love and have idolised is a paedophile. It must shake your whole sense of self to the core. So no wonder he wants to close his eyes.

But he can’t. He just can’t. He needs to accept his father IS a predator and his father WILL BE a risk to your DD. How long is FIL in prison for here? Would he consider some form of specialist counselling for him or you both?

Whilst this reaction would repulse me I would want to work on it with DH and give it everything to turn it around. The risk being if you split over this and he still buried his head in the sand, you won’t be able to protect your DD when he won’t.

I do feel bad for your partner, however I’m far more concerned about your DD. These cases take years - when was he first arrested for this? Have you been allowing him to see your DD since this first came out? I’m concerned your partner has also eroded your boundaries because it would be a cold day in Hell before I allowed a video call between my child and an incestuous paedophile.

What a pity that your "sensitive and naive" husband is more panicked by his father going to prison for crimes he has been convicted of than worried that his own niece was abused by her grandfather - the same man that is grandfather to his own 2 year old daughter and to whom he is addressing such vile comments.

Personally if DH didn't step up to accepting that his father is a child molesting monster who should have nothing to do with your own child I would be out of the door with her as soon as possible.

You say DH and his brothers have been raised and groomed that this is acceptable - run!

Poor niece. Still being called a liar even after he's been found guilty in court of being a CSA offender

Those saying leave- if they were separated, surely it's more dangerous for the dd to be looked after by dad on her own if he has a very skewed view of what's normal, how would that work? I don't think based on one not at all funny awful joke anyone is going to prevent the OP's dd from having unsupervised contact with her dad, nor is that what the OP is wanting.

Your husband needs professional help.

And you all need to distance yourselves from the men in that family.

I'm so sorry, this is going to be a hard road ahead.

What a sickening , your FIL. And I'm sorry but I can't see your DH's defence or know what to suggest there.

As someone who had it happen to me, thankfully everyone believed me and was on my side. Children don't lie about this, unfortunately I never got justice because going to the police/court wasn't the done thing then. But no one ever saw him again, he was ostracised from the family and everyone he knew. Had a lonely remaining life and people watched him until he died.

That's exactly what your DH, brothers and rest of the family should be doing to this sicko - never contacting him or seeing him ever again.

I wouldn't know what to suggest with in laws who have such warped views, but you need to shoot the situation down somehow. It's NOT okay. If it were me, I get myself and my children out.

Sorry i dont care if your husband was groomed or whatever-the fact is in a court FIL has been found guilty and the victims own father doesnt believe her

how do you think she feels

the whole lot of them should be dumped

Just echoing what other posters are saying. DH needs to get help to see this behaviour for what it is, if he agrees then that's a great start, if he refuses then I would be out of the door. This situation could be catastrophic for your DD.
Hopefully there will be restrictions in place for FIL when he gets out that would stop him having contact with DD, if there wasn't I would look to get it written in a court order, if that's possible.

The behaviour of your husband’s family has been absolutely sickening, and I don’t even know where to start with your FIL. I agree with the advice to seek help from a specialist charity or agency. Was it the first you’d heard of it when you were told your FIL would be going to prison the next day? Does that mean you’d been deliberately kept in the dark about the trial etc?

Yes there will be restrictions in place when he gets out.

Social Services will also be heavily involved upon his release to ensure that your child’s parents can protect her. And in these cases, they play a huge role in family court should OP split with her partner.

I would be leaving my husband, fucking pronto, if he allowed this behaviour and made excuses for his paedophile father.

Your daughter isn't safe with a dad who allows this behaviour.

Unless your husband agrees to counselling and to go absolutely zero contact with his family, I would consider leaving.

Leave.

I’d be out the door. I’m sometimes a bit quick to recommend “LTB” but Jesus fucking Christ LTB.

The poor victim, having everyone against her just to make excuses for an old, unrepentant monster.
Don’t let your daughter near all that poison.

I think you need to be very concerned about the fact that he will be released from prison at some point and 90% of the family don’t believe he is a predator, including your husband. How do you plan to keep your daughter safe from him?

It’s clear you’re not going to be able to trust your husband to do it since he refuses to believe your niece was abused and isn’t batting an eyelid at his father’s disgusting sexual comments about his two year old daughter.

well he is not in jail for banter or jokes is he ?

So your DH needs to get real here .

His father is guilty and going to jail - so he had better get his head round that pronto.

And stop minimising .

I'd be looking at emigrating, so that I could get as far from that family as possible.