FIL in prison for child s. abuse, please advise!

[Overreactingmom13]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here after lurking for years. I desperately need the opinion of strangers who are not emotionally involved in my current situation and might have a clearer head.

TW child sexual abuse

My FIL went to prison yesterday for molesting one of his granddaughters when she was about 12. Years long battle in court, the girl moved to a different city to live with her older sister because 90% of their family thinks she is lying.

FIL is a widow now, has 3 sons, they are a typical wolf pack, protecting each other. Oldest son (the molested girl’s father) believes FIL. Middle son also believes him. DH is the youngest, also believes him.

DH and his brothers grew up emotionally abused, groomed and conditioned to think that dirty sex jokes at the family dinner table with minors around is normal. Their opinion is that FIL doesn’t realise his jokes are crossing the line but he is harmless.

1 day before we were told he’s going to prison (good timing hmm?) we were talking to him on Facetime while our 2 year old DD was eating a banana, let’s be real she was eating it messy, pushing it in her mouth, like any innocent 2 year old. Here comes FIL with one of infamous jokes, telling DD “yes keep practicing, you’ll have to do it soon enough”. In my shock I immediately hung up without saying a word, like a coward. I’m beating myself up still…
I told DH to talk to him about it, he promised he will. Yeah sure. Next day the news come that he’s going to prison, his nasty joke forgotten cause all 3 of his sons are panicking, whats going to happen to their father.

DH is extremely sensitive and naive, completely under the influence of his father and he said to me “please let me believe he is innocent” also that “you are overreacting what he said to DD, it was just a stupid joke”. Growing up in that house with FIL will do that to you, I guess.

I know I’m not overreacting.
What I need to figure out is how to get on the same page as him. He needs to be able smell predators, he can’t be blind when he has a DD.
At the same time I somehow has to consider his feelings, this is a major trauma even to an adult to have their parent in prison for something like this.

I couldn't stay with a man who believed an abuser.

I actually cannot believe you were even involved in a video call with that man. You didnt know at that point that prison would be his sentence, but you knew he had been found guilty. Why was your child on a video call with a man convicted of sexually abusing another child in the family?

I cant believe any of this.

Your husband believes he is innocent. So his niece is a liar. What if it was your daughter? Your husband would call her a liar because the accused man said he didnt do it?

No. This is a family you run away from. His behaviour is not your husband's fault... but believing him is. Neither are good people.

For a start your husband needs to agree that he, you and especially your daughter will never have any kind of contact with your FIL again. If he won't agree to that then you really do have a problem.

Just realised OPs post says

“Years long court battle”

So FIL has been around the DD despite this going on for (probably) her entire life.

Your DH has had plenty of time to realise what a monster his father is. He hasn’t. He’s allowed access to his own DD, who is non verbal and wouldn’t be able to say what he’s done to her. And, actually, YOU have allowed that too.

And people wonder why family sexual abuse is common and rampant. Everyone sticks their fucking heads in the sand, and the children pay the price.

You need to talk to the experts about how you can safeguard your dd when FIL is released. It's clear that her dad would take your dd to visit him. The men in this family are disgusting creatures. If my marriage to a man like your h broke down I'd be disappearing without a trace in order to protect dd because I think he'd take just straight to this rapist.

Your poor niece though. I believe her and I'm glad that the court did too. You did the right thing ending the call. Telling him what you really think would make no difference whatsoever.

Your niece is an incredibly brave person, who has the misfortune to have a predator for a GF and two absolute scumbags for uncles, I don't think I would get away with using the word I want to describe her own father for not believing her. The fact she got a conviction in court tells me everything.

You need professional support here OP, I would only consider staying in this marriage if your DH attended counseling to unpick his childhood and family dynamic and if he went no contact with any family member still supporting the GF, those people are not safe to have around your child. If he refused this or didn't fully engage with therapy on an ongoing basis, I would be getting legal advice on leaving the marriage and protecting my child from this predator and his family of enablers. I'm sorry OP, I wish I had easier advice for you.

Goodness OP, how truly awful. I have no experience of this sort of thing so no additional advice but didn't want to read and run. I would echo the suggestion that your DH needs specialist counselling at the very least to get his head round the reality. He's clearly traumatised himself, been emotionally abused / boundaries blurred in his childhood and is choosing not to believe what his father did. Be very clear to him that as the dad of a young daughter, he simply cannot be an apologist for a convicted paedo. Therapy, or you and DD leave.

Contact the Lucy Faithful foundation. They offer support to families where there has been CSA. They can suppport your DH to unpick his thoughts and feelings as well as support you both to keep your DD safe.

Totally agree with the need for therapy for him and you both as a couple.

It's worth bearing in mind that families collude to protect the narrative that they have created. You and your DH will need to support each other when you inevitably have to shine a light on this, when you need to prevent FIL from having any access to your daughter. Those who are colluding will put you in the position of being 'mad' so try to stay in touch with your concerns. You are not mad.... you are protecting your child.

To all of those saying 'I cant believ you allowed ...'

what do you think the OP should do? LTB? and then know that her dd will go and see her dad and she will have NO CONTROL as to what i is happening, who she is seeing, what is been said etc...

Because the FIL might in prison (atm...) but the OP's DH has done nothing that would prevent him from seeing his dd.

@Overreactingmom13 I like the idea of contacting profesionals to see how to best protect your dd etc...
But I think your dh needs to see a counsellor/psychotherapist. He needs to go over what has happened in his family to be able tp process it. I'm not just talking about his niece there but the whole way he has been brought up.
At some point, you will probably also need to have counselling together to sort out what to do to protect your dd.

The very bgood thing is that FIL has just gone to prison so you will have a few years of respite to be able to turn things aorund and protect your dd.

This is awful, OP. Your poor niece.

I’d be insisting on therapy for your DH. If he didn’t comply, or despite therapy continued to deny and minimize his father’s crimes, then goodbye.

No doubt your DH is a man damaged by his upbringing but protecting your DD must have the highest priority. If he can’t see that then he is not fit to be her father.

Honestly OP, it sounds like your dh is part of the problem and his behaviour would be a really big issue for me. His priorities and judgement for protecting your dd are in question, any 'joke' sexualising a child is unacceptable.

Have you tried talking to your dh? Would he be receptive to counselling to unpick his own childhood and attitudes and address his issues? His priority now needs to be his dc and if he can't see that you need to seriously consider whether your dd is safe.

I have a similar situation but dh immediately believed the accuser and stopped all contact. His dm stood by her husband so contact was ended with her too. Had dh wanted to stay in contact I likely would have taken the dc.

I would be very concerned about your DH ability to safeguard your DD. There is no way in hell my DD would have had any contact at all with anyone being prosecuted for CSA. That “joke” was vile, and your DH reaction was not normal, I can’t imagine how my DH would react but ballistic would cover it. Your husband really needs some help with this but number 1 is your daughter. If he is unable to see the problem or refuses help you need to keep her safe.

When you have had a non standard childhood you don't know what is normal.

You need to unpick this with your DH. A grown man say a toddler eating a banana and their brain went to a sex act.

This man then thought it was OK to verbalise this to the child and parents.

It may have been normal in his life but it is not normal behavour.

Add to that, the adult making the suggestion, has sexually abused a child, your child's cousin.

I'm so sorry OP but your FIL has groomed his sons and he is attempting to groom your little girl.

I'm glad you recognise your DH's grooming from his father, that is a good place to start because you, as in you and dh need to unpick that to protect your little girl.

I'm sure your DH would be heartbroken to think he is a danger to her, but sadly he is. I'm not saying he would touch her, I'm saying he needs to learn what are red flags for most people that he doesn't see.

I'm sorry but there is something very very wrong with your husband if he isn't disgusted by his father. I would be very concerned about him tbh.

Additionally to what has been said..i do wonder how he can safeguard your Dd.. not just with Fil..

Your Dh does not have the same understanding.

Tbh, why was you even FaceTiming him? I don't understand when all this stuff was happening, why you all didn't cut him off.

But, I'm not going to judge that too much you obviously have your reasons.

What would happen if it came out, your husbands brother did something to someone, is your dh going to brush it off?

I think you need to dig deep into any behaviours of your DH too.

@Crazydoglady1980

Contact the Lucy Faithful foundation. They offer support to families where there has been CSA. They can suppport your DH to unpick his thoughts and feelings as well as support you both to keep your DD safe.

I came to post the same - www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/home.amp.htm

It's not unusual for families to pack together and believe the abuser - after all they have been groomed all their lives. The banana example you give shows how off your DH's boundaries are.

The court process itself is also very secretive - as all your DH's information has come from FIL he probably has no idea what FIL has been accused of, or possibly even convicted of until yesterday due to the massive minimization FIL will have been doing. I suspect the conviction and length of sentence will have come as a huge shock to him.

The reality that your DH needs to get his head round is that your FIL when he is released will not be allowed to see any of his grandchildren. During his prison time, no grandchildren will be going on visits. This is it, for ever.

Perhaps the best way is to see your DH as an abuse victim himself - his dad was bringing him up to think you could joke about 2 year old girls giving oral sex? I think at some level your DH knows his dad is guilty and that the joke is disgusting, and is struggling with the awfulness of, well, him being his dad.

Your DH would benefit from therapy if you could convince him to go.

@BitcherOfBlakiven I agree, if this has been going on for a long time why would you even allow your daughter to interact with this man and why would you even speak to him yourself. Unbelievable.

In a very similar situation except I'm in your DHs position and have been for a few years now

Honestly it's really conflicting. I'm not sure I can finitely say my F committed the crime he very strongly denies, but I sure as hell DO believe the victim. Which I know makes no sense whatsoever. It's so messy when your primary carer is also wholly untrustworthy, a total headfuck in fact.

The only way for me to deal was to go NC, I'm not sure if that's permanent but it feels right for the time being. My DH has also asked me to never let my F meet our future children and I have agreed. My job as a parent is to protect and if it was the other way round I would want him to put our children first. Because that is what your DH will be doing, he'll be prioritising his F needs over his children if he chooses to let them have a relationship with a convicted child sex offender.

I've been to therapy in the time my F has not been around, and it helped me unpick a lot more issues and bad treatment than I realised. Even removing the crime entirely from the equation I still have plenty of reasons to not trust or want him in my life. But I wouldn't say I've totally resolved things, not sure that's possible.

I think your DHs biggest problem is family. And for his brother to not to believe his own daughter is horrific. My family are firm wall-sitters. So whilst they're not aggressively defending him, they are all in touch with F and roll out the "we don't know what is true, but he's still your F" line. Which is absolute bull.

Trust your gut, and please make sure you can trust your husbands.

@IncompleteSenten

I'm sorry but there is something very very wrong with your husband if he isn't disgusted by his father. I would be very concerned about him tbh.

Harsh but I agree.

Even if he wants to think that the judge & jury are wrong & his dad isn't guilty of the crime he has been convicted of, he heard his own father "joke" about his 2yr old daughter performing a sex act.

What the hell upbringing he must have had to brush that aside I have no idea.

That these men have packed together to believe they father-there are no words.

So by extension he wouldn't believe his daughter...

Your husband doesn't believe a 12 year old child who has successfully secured a conviction. I would ask him what burden of proof does he require?

I am sorry but there is no way I could remain in a relationship with someone who chooses not to believe, support and help a 12 year old child who has been subjected to abuse.

What message are you sending your daughter? she will find out in years to come - I would be contacting and actively supporting the victim and ending all contact with the predator.

I'm confused. Did your DH not even know if the accusation until 24 hours ago? Or did he know about the case going through court, but just not know about the prison sentence until then?

My Grandmother stood by her brother when his wife left him after their daughters disclosed sexual abuse and rape.

Guess who he abused next?

My mother and her sister, because my Grandmother allowed him access.

Don’t let this be your DD. Please. The damage done to my mother by not just the abuse and rapes themselves, but by the knowledge that he should NEVER have had access to her and only did so because her own mother allowed it is catastrophic.

@saraclara

I'm confused. Did your DH not even know if the accusation until 24 hours ago? Or did he know about the case going through court, but just not know about the prison sentence until then?

They’ve all known for years.