FIL in prison for child s. abuse, please advise!

[Overreactingmom13]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here after lurking for years. I desperately need the opinion of strangers who are not emotionally involved in my current situation and might have a clearer head.

TW child sexual abuse

My FIL went to prison yesterday for molesting one of his granddaughters when she was about 12. Years long battle in court, the girl moved to a different city to live with her older sister because 90% of their family thinks she is lying.

FIL is a widow now, has 3 sons, they are a typical wolf pack, protecting each other. Oldest son (the molested girl’s father) believes FIL. Middle son also believes him. DH is the youngest, also believes him.

DH and his brothers grew up emotionally abused, groomed and conditioned to think that dirty sex jokes at the family dinner table with minors around is normal. Their opinion is that FIL doesn’t realise his jokes are crossing the line but he is harmless.

1 day before we were told he’s going to prison (good timing hmm?) we were talking to him on Facetime while our 2 year old DD was eating a banana, let’s be real she was eating it messy, pushing it in her mouth, like any innocent 2 year old. Here comes FIL with one of infamous jokes, telling DD “yes keep practicing, you’ll have to do it soon enough”. In my shock I immediately hung up without saying a word, like a coward. I’m beating myself up still…
I told DH to talk to him about it, he promised he will. Yeah sure. Next day the news come that he’s going to prison, his nasty joke forgotten cause all 3 of his sons are panicking, whats going to happen to their father.

DH is extremely sensitive and naive, completely under the influence of his father and he said to me “please let me believe he is innocent” also that “you are overreacting what he said to DD, it was just a stupid joke”. Growing up in that house with FIL will do that to you, I guess.

I know I’m not overreacting.
What I need to figure out is how to get on the same page as him. He needs to be able smell predators, he can’t be blind when he has a DD.
At the same time I somehow has to consider his feelings, this is a major trauma even to an adult to have their parent in prison for something like this.

He said that about your 2yo and your partner doesn’t think it’s a problem?

Last time I left him alone with her tbh

Wow, that is really really tough. I feel for you, and think you are spot on. Your DH grew up in such a dysfunctional family that he will not be capable of protecting his daughter. He thinks predatory behaviour is normal.

I suppose if you stay together and your DH doesn't change, you would have to accept that he is unable to do his share. You would need to be on hand all the time to keep your daughter safe. On the other hand, there would be even more challenges if you were to split up. The family courts being what they are, as a single dad he would be considered totally competent to look after her for days on end (so long as he didn't take her to see grandpa) and you wouldn't even be there to intervene in any dangerous situations.

I wish I had some good advice for you

Does your dp think niece made everything up? Does he have a reason for why she would of done? It’s not like she’s just accusing him of making perverted comments if he’s got two years in prison he must have done something to the poor girl. Poor girl to have her father not believe her as well.

"Maybe DH doesn't smell close danger here because we are far from FIL"

Yet he has still been able to make a disgusting remark about his GD-she's already fallen victim to him.

And your husband brushed it aside.

He can't support his father & his daughter-this has already been shown.

I would want to leave but would then be worried about contact time as I wouldn't be around. OPs husband would have been brought up around this behaviour so can minimise it and not see anything wrong in it. Also who wants to believe that their own father is capable of doing something so disgustingly wrong. More victims will come forward they nearly always do and then what , they are lying too. I can't honestly say what I would do in this situation as I don't know.

I think you both need to stop and think about what you've been doing here. BOTH. Because even though you live in another country you have maintained a relationship with an accused and then convicted paedophile, and allowed him to sexualise your 2 year old daughter.

In doing so, you will have also contributed to the trauma and isolation felt by your niece, the victim. Just think about that.

To be frank, you have both fucked up. You've got a chance now to get sorted.

That means your husband accepting that this happened. It is very hard to be convicted of this - it is not a lie or mistake. He did it. Therapy will help with this, and the other complicated feelings that arise from it.

You need to be clear that FIL will never have any relationship - not even virtually - with any of you. I would also advise cutting off anyone who backs a paedophile over a victim, perhaps after giving a e.g. 6 month cooling off period for them to come to their own realisation.

People who support abusers are not safe. Especially not ones who treat their own daughter/niece the way this family has.

If your husband continues to believe and support his father, he is not safe either. I sympathise with his difficult childhood and squiffy boundaries, but he's an adult now and he needs to wake the fuck up. FIL could be out in 12-24 months and if your husband has not got this sorted in his head by then, your daughter is at risk.

First of all, your reaction to end the call was absolutely perfect. You have excellent instincts. It was 100% the best way to protect your dd in those circumstances.

My thoughts here are that you are dealing with an abused, groomed child in your dh. People who were abused often get sort of ‘stuck’ at a younger age, and it strikes me that your dh is not accessing adult thinking patterns here.

I suspect that if you take a more authoritative stance on this issue - adopt a dominant or parental energy - it may help him transfer his allegiance to you. Be firm that getting counselling and education about csa is non negotiable and be prepared to support him, making appointments etc

I don’t mean treat him like a child in general but be aware that his thinking is likely to be hampered by the emotional immaturity of a manipulated, abused fearful child.

The best chance you have of protecting your own dc from your fil is to try to extract your dh if you can.

The banana comment alone would make me never want to see nor hear from this bastard again.
Your husband needs to get some help in unpicking this and accepting that his dad is paedophile. The fact he's been convicted tells you there was strong evidence that it happened or else it wouldn't have got to court in the first place. There's many many of the guilty fuckers walking among us 'free' who did abuse but CPS couldn't get it to court and be confident of a conviction.
I understand because of his upbringing that he'll think many fucked up things are normal - such as sexualised jokes towards or about children but surely as an adult he has some degree of at least doubting they are.
In your shoes I'd tell him he has 2 choices - he can get some help and keep his dad out of his life
Or if he refuses and still doesn't see any problem and continues to say his dad is innocent then he leaves. I couldn't be with someone who supported, defended and continued to have a relationship with a convicted paedophile.
You are not in the wrong here and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your poor niece! I'm so glad she got a conviction for her own mental wellbeing. She was believed regardless of what a large part of her awful family think!

You're husband is a dick. He's abandoned a 12 year child who needed him to protect his scumbag father. He's not a safe guardian of your child. He's telling you who he is. Believe him.

Stop making excuses for him. Your husband is not a victim. I doubt he is 'extremely sensitive'. He has you convinced you have to walk on eggshells around him so you won't challenge him. Its a typical pattern of abuser behaviour.

He is an enabler. He is a potential risk to your DD because he refuses to see risk, and he chooses to minimise it. Its not just your FIL thats a risk. Its your husband and other men around him.

You both need a wake up call and family therapy.

In doing so, you will have also contributed to the trauma and isolation felt by your niece, the victim. Just think about that.

Good point.

This has been a "fuck you, you're a liar, you're wring, not hkm" to that girl and presumably her Mum, whether you meant it to be or not.

Imagine what they'd have felt if you two had gone no contact with him, and communicated with/supported them instead. Even if you are overseas.

Family doing this is victimising them in a different way.

*you're wrong, not him

I am shocked you have maintained contact with a man who was a suspected paedophile. You have been doing facetime and allowing your DD to see this man. What were you planning to do if he wanted to come and visit? Or if you were going to go home for a visit? I just cant believe you have kept in touch and I say 'you' as the mother.This man is not your father. Your DH needs to seek support about his own issues but you I am shocked at. My DD wouldn't be around any man who was an accused offender who was then convicted, The 90% of the family should feel ashamed of themselves...including yourself

Oh and this is type of crime its very hard to prosecute, and very hard to convict on ... so he's guilty as hell, and a lifetime danger to vulnerable ppl.

Look at the fkg comments even while he's days off being sentenced for abusing his GD, look at how his mind works.

He sexualises toddlers (or ar best projected, future versions of them). Famous jokes l?? Your h needs to get his head out of his ass very fast indeed.

The best thing you can do is leave. Because then if he wants to keep access social services will force him to cut off contact and make him prove it regularly if they allow access at all. So go. Asap

Yeah, no. He minimised that vile comment. His boundaries are way off. And not believing his niece is a huge issue. Screw pack mentality.

I know DH accidentally saw his parents having sex once when he was a kid. They left their bedroom door wide open. Who does that?

An abuser does that.

It wasn't an accident, they wanted him to see.

You are right your DH is a victim, I'm glad he is open to councelling.

You making excuses for him is not helping.

In terms of practical steps:

• explain to DH that while he may want to believe his father, the case has been proven in court and your need to protect DD comes above everything else
• you and DD need to be completely non-contact with FIL and any of DH's family who support FIL. DD needs to be protected from child abusers and their enablers. DH can remain in contact if he chooses, but there is to be no sharing of details (or photos) about DD
• DH needs to get counselling for himself. It will probably take years for him to unpick his childhood and come to terms with what his father has done, but it will be worth it in the long run

Your DH boundaries with his daughter are fine

AND

He didn’t see a problem with his dad making blow job jokes about his 2yo

Pick one… they can’t both be true

Your FIL was criminally convicted for sexually abusing his own granddaughter and makes sexual jokes about your 2 year old, and still your DH thinks he is innocent?
I’m sorry to be so harsh but I couldn’t stay with him any longer if I had been in your situation, victim or not, my sympathy, respect and trust would have been gone completely.

@MrsBaublesDylan

Well, he can't safeguard your dd given his beliefs can he?

So start there. What do you need to put in place to protect your dd being FiL's next victim?

I would suggest tell DH that dd will never be in contact with him (or you) which means no letters, no FaceTimes and no visits.

I would also tell your dh that he is not to share any information with his Father about dd.

Frankly, the fact that your dh is denying sexual abuse that has been proved in court means that he is is supporting his Father and therefore, complicit in the abuse.

If I'm honest I am shocked you are so casual about allowing FiL visual access to your child.

This

You can't get on the same page as he was influenced in his very early years.

I'm not going to lie like others I'd worry about him (DH) with my DD. He lacks boundaries at very least and he may just only make those kind of jokes to DD when you aren't around.

To be honest having gone out with a man in the past with no boundaries in his family, I'd never have married him or had kids with him as my fear would be too great.

OP, I’m going to say this and then I’m going to NC in case my cousins are on here, as it’s potentially outing.

My mothers abuse came out one day when I was 14.

My Grandmother happily announced that her brother was moving back to our country after 20 years living abroad, and would be staying with her whilst he house hunted.

The scene that unfolded in front of my eyes haunts me to this day and took years of therapy to process.

It took my mother from barely functioning to not functioning, descending into alcoholism and this still impacts my life, I’m now 35. She would tell me all the details when drunk and I would sit there, frozen, horrified, not knowing what to say or do.

I had to leave home at 16 because of it.

Fortunately he died a rather grisly death before he came back here, but my mother spent 6 months prior to that absolutely fucking terrified about having to see him, about how she could keep him away from my younger sisters (the abuse was between 5-10, he wouldn’t have been interested in me as I was “too old”, but she obviously didn’t want him near me either).

I haven’t spoken to my Grandmother since that day, I always felt something was “off” as she spoke about her brother like the sun shone out of his arse but my mother would be silent, leave the room or tank a bottle of wine in an hour every time his name was mentioned. But I could never have imagined the true horror.

My Grandmother knew the details of what her brother had done to his own children, no charges were bought as it was the 60s and it wasn’t officially reported. But stuck her head in the sand and allowed unsupervised, unfettered access to her own daughters.

Her brother moved abroad after my mother disclosed to her father what he had done, and my Grandfather beat him to a pulp and told him to leave and never come back. Ironically, it was 2 years after my Grandfathers death that he decided to move back here.

This is all garbled I know, and it’s not something I ever really speak about - but just because they’re abroad, doesn’t mean you’re safe, or that your niece will ever forget what he did to her.