FIL in prison for child s. abuse, please advise!

[Overreactingmom13]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here after lurking for years. I desperately need the opinion of strangers who are not emotionally involved in my current situation and might have a clearer head.

TW child sexual abuse

My FIL went to prison yesterday for molesting one of his granddaughters when she was about 12. Years long battle in court, the girl moved to a different city to live with her older sister because 90% of their family thinks she is lying.

FIL is a widow now, has 3 sons, they are a typical wolf pack, protecting each other. Oldest son (the molested girl’s father) believes FIL. Middle son also believes him. DH is the youngest, also believes him.

DH and his brothers grew up emotionally abused, groomed and conditioned to think that dirty sex jokes at the family dinner table with minors around is normal. Their opinion is that FIL doesn’t realise his jokes are crossing the line but he is harmless.

1 day before we were told he’s going to prison (good timing hmm?) we were talking to him on Facetime while our 2 year old DD was eating a banana, let’s be real she was eating it messy, pushing it in her mouth, like any innocent 2 year old. Here comes FIL with one of infamous jokes, telling DD “yes keep practicing, you’ll have to do it soon enough”. In my shock I immediately hung up without saying a word, like a coward. I’m beating myself up still…
I told DH to talk to him about it, he promised he will. Yeah sure. Next day the news come that he’s going to prison, his nasty joke forgotten cause all 3 of his sons are panicking, whats going to happen to their father.

DH is extremely sensitive and naive, completely under the influence of his father and he said to me “please let me believe he is innocent” also that “you are overreacting what he said to DD, it was just a stupid joke”. Growing up in that house with FIL will do that to you, I guess.

I know I’m not overreacting.
What I need to figure out is how to get on the same page as him. He needs to be able smell predators, he can’t be blind when he has a DD.
At the same time I somehow has to consider his feelings, this is a major trauma even to an adult to have their parent in prison for something like this.

Why are you even FaceTiming this disgusting pervert in the first place?!

Let alone parade your DD in front of him - how could you?

As for your husband and BILs...I wouldn't trust them at all. I would be disentangling myself from this toxic family.

@mathanxiety

im not in contact with her or her mother, tbh i only met them one before she came forward.

@Overreactingmom13
You need to find this child and start openly supporting her. You could send her letters, cards, anything that is affirmative and supportive.

If you're not clearly with her she suffers alone.

Much as I agree that it is wrong for them to support the FIL, this is terrible advice

I dont get how one day he was you FIL the next day he was a convicted absuer-surely court cases take months or even years-you must have known

why have you had anything to do with him at all

It came to light that someone in my extended family raped a child witnessed by their younger sibling, many years ago.

Not only are a large group of us now NC with the rapist, but the rapist was left in no doubt why everyone is now NC with him and that we all support the victim. (The victim doesn’t want it prosecuted).

OP, why are you having anything to do with your FIL? Draw a line and don’t have anything to do with him again. How do you think the victim feels that her father and uncles not to mention the other 90 % of the “believe” your FIL? The victim in my extended family felt very ashamed for over 30 years; it has caused terrible mental issues for them, and in some respects has ruined their life.

You need to find this child and start openly supporting her. You could send her letters, cards, anything that is affirmative and supportive. this is dreadful advice.

The last thing this girl needs is random unknowns seeking to have a relationship with her because of what she’s been through. It smacks of virtue signalling even if it isn’t.

The niece will have her own support network, the OP isn’t part of that.

@AlternativePerspective

You need to find this child and start openly supporting her. You could send her letters, cards, anything that is affirmative and supportive. this is dreadful advice.

The last thing this girl needs is random unknowns seeking to have a relationship with her because of what she’s been through. It smacks of virtue signalling even if it isn’t.

The niece will have her own support network, the OP isn’t part of that.

Exactly, the OP is also in a relationship with a man that doesn't believe the survivor of abuse, as well as being in contact with this child's abuser. Why would any abuse survivor want that link reopened with her abuser, it would be madness.

It's not 'seeking to have a relationship' and the OP is not 'some random unknown'.

She is the child's aunt, and can sign her name on a card and explain who she is and that she believes the girl. Otherwise this child will continue to believe that her entire extended family has taken the side of her rapist.

The niece doesn't have to respond and the OP can make that clear when she gets in touch.

The deafening silence from men and women alike in her father's family must be crushing for her and for the older sister who has taken her in - clearly her own mother has rejected and abandoned her and is in the 90% of the family who have decided to support the rapist.

Your advice was really terrible @mathanxiety and several of us have explained why.

The op has met this child once. Chasing her down and sending letters and cards (from another country) would be intrusive, self serving, totally inappropriate and potentially even more damaging.