FIL in prison for child s. abuse, please advise!

[Overreactingmom13]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here after lurking for years. I desperately need the opinion of strangers who are not emotionally involved in my current situation and might have a clearer head.

TW child sexual abuse

My FIL went to prison yesterday for molesting one of his granddaughters when she was about 12. Years long battle in court, the girl moved to a different city to live with her older sister because 90% of their family thinks she is lying.

FIL is a widow now, has 3 sons, they are a typical wolf pack, protecting each other. Oldest son (the molested girl’s father) believes FIL. Middle son also believes him. DH is the youngest, also believes him.

DH and his brothers grew up emotionally abused, groomed and conditioned to think that dirty sex jokes at the family dinner table with minors around is normal. Their opinion is that FIL doesn’t realise his jokes are crossing the line but he is harmless.

1 day before we were told he’s going to prison (good timing hmm?) we were talking to him on Facetime while our 2 year old DD was eating a banana, let’s be real she was eating it messy, pushing it in her mouth, like any innocent 2 year old. Here comes FIL with one of infamous jokes, telling DD “yes keep practicing, you’ll have to do it soon enough”. In my shock I immediately hung up without saying a word, like a coward. I’m beating myself up still…
I told DH to talk to him about it, he promised he will. Yeah sure. Next day the news come that he’s going to prison, his nasty joke forgotten cause all 3 of his sons are panicking, whats going to happen to their father.

DH is extremely sensitive and naive, completely under the influence of his father and he said to me “please let me believe he is innocent” also that “you are overreacting what he said to DD, it was just a stupid joke”. Growing up in that house with FIL will do that to you, I guess.

I know I’m not overreacting.
What I need to figure out is how to get on the same page as him. He needs to be able smell predators, he can’t be blind when he has a DD.
At the same time I somehow has to consider his feelings, this is a major trauma even to an adult to have their parent in prison for something like this.

I haven't read the thread as I only have a few minutes. That 'joke' about a 2 year old eating a banana is disgusting. What type of people are they that they ate spring a man like this? I would take my DD and go.

Ate spring = are supporting

Yes, like many others I think you are minimising regarding your DH. Given what has happened to his niece and his reaction to it, I don't think he is capable of basic decent human reactions. That may be because he has been groomed and abused by FIL, but he still needs to change. Ultimately, the outcome of counselling needs to be that he accepts that his father was an abuser, because the chances of him not being are vanishingly small (very hard to secure a conviction in any EU country, plus very high burden of proof) - I couldn't stay with him otherwise. You are not the one who needs to see things from his point of view.

The are not 'a little wolf pack' they are enablers of child abuse.

Fgs op, wake the fuck up. Are you really ok your dh has a relationship with a child rapist?

That he is actively choosing to support a disgusting human being over his victim?

I think I'm out of this because you are treating your dh like the victim in all this.

Your DH may have been groomed and exposed to abuse as a child, but he's not a child any more. He's a grown man who is choosing to prioritise his father's feelings over the needs of his young daughter and niece (who are too young to defend themselves and therefore entirely reliant on the adults around them).

He's a grown man who has passively watched his 12 year old, sexually abused niece to be vilified and excluded from the family, because he thinks that his father's (and his own) feelings are more important than she is.

If it's ever his daughter in that position, you've already seen what his reaction will be. He'll defend her abuser.

If my "Father" watched my child eat a banana and compared it to that act in that tone he'd have a broken jaw, that's disgusting.

Are you really ok your dh has a relationship with a child rapist?

So does the OP @MrsBaublesDylan She was the one on facetime and showing him his granddaughter. Presumably FIL got sent pictures of DD like every other grandparent gets from proud parents. Different country or not, I certainly wouldn't be sending any potential wank fodder of another GD to a man who had an allegation from his own GD already. I'd make sure that bastard could never know what she looks like.

OP, thankfully has no experience of anything like this in her family, but now needs to take her cue from people who know from bitter experience. Hiding her DD from all and every male isn't the answer here, what IS needed is for the OP and her husband to contact the professional organisations so that they can educate and inform themselves.

It will be too difficult for you to resolve these issues on your own. Your DH needs to be educated about what constitutes acceptable behaviour. He was effectively groomed by being exposed to his father's behaviour for so long. As a first step you need to contact the NSPCC , speak to someone there and explain your concerns. They may be able to offer your DH some counselling in order to safeguard your child. They will also advise on whether to involve your local social services support team. You may already be on their radar as a result of the court case and conviction. The verdict shows that your niece was believed by the court , for her own father to say she was lying is unconscionable. I would advise you to view your two BILs as a risk towards children and take suitable precautions. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this but as they say , forewarned is forearmed.

@EarringsandLipstick I thought that as well , my kids are left with my dad because I trust him fully and anyone i had any doubts about wouldn't be around my kids wether i was with them or not

@CouldIhaveaword yes i wondered if thats what THe op had told him was expected , not many men that ask to change their own childs nappy what if they said no and you had them all day do they just leave them in a dirty nappy ?

My father is a paedophile, we’re currently going through police, and hoping for a decision on charging soon.
I’m disgusted that the girls father doesn’t believe the child. My child said that the main thing about telling me about the abuse was that I immediately believed them.
My brother, he believes my child, but is (as far as I know) supporting our father. I’ve no idea why he would do this, but for me that makes him a paedophile apologist, and part of the problem with society. The more families brush this under the carpet, the more our children will suffer.
As far as I’m concerned my father and my brother are dead to me, and I will never speak with them again.
He claims he doesn’t want to take sides…..well, in such a serious thing, sides must be taken. Anyone who supports a paedophile needs to be cut off to protect others. I’m so sorry for your niece that family don’t believe her, but hopefully the fact a jury did will be a comfort. It’s not a great feeling finding out your family are scum.

I would take my DD and go

Me too. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near this fucked up family. Sorry Op but your husband is actually quite dangerous in his minimising and enabling of his fathers actions. He has some very skewed and strange views.

Best case scenario is that FIL has a heart attack and dies in prison, that way it's never an issue.

Your DH is deluded, he needs serious therapy and to examine his childhood and the way his father acts.
I know lots of people have said LTB but that's thexwrosf thing you could do, while you're around you have full knowledge of your daughters whereabouts, if you leave him he could easily take her to him

I would make it extremely clear. FIL has been found guilty of paedophilia, he has awxuallg abuse his own granddaughter. Whether DH thinks he's innocent or not, FIL is to have no contact at all with you or DD. Don't accepts cards, gifts, telephone conversations, anything.

He's a vile vile man.

@RegardingMary definitely agree. Don’t leave him, he will then be able to take your child wherever he wants in his parenting time. If he’s so trauma bonded to his father, that’s the last thing you should do.
Your husband needs to think on that it ‘could’ have been his own child had you not lived so far away, as well as his niece. Burying his head in the sand doesn’t help the situation. He needs to deal with the fact his father is a paedophile. It’s not easy, it’s the worst thing ever, but he will have to process that in order to protect his own child, and other people’s children should the perv ever get out

@BitcherOfBlakiven

What the actual fuck?! He said that to your TWO year old and your DH is MINIMISING IT?!

I’m sorry OP but I could not be married to someone who was any less than furious, disgusted and calling out their father for that comment, let alone the fact that he refuses to face the fact that his father is a dangerous sexual predator.

Yep.

I couldn't be having him (your dh) around.

@Mylifehasimploded

My father is a paedophile, we’re currently going through police, and hoping for a decision on charging soon. I’m disgusted that the girls father doesn’t believe the child. My child said that the main thing about telling me about the abuse was that I immediately believed them. My brother, he believes my child, but is (as far as I know) supporting our father. I’ve no idea why he would do this, but for me that makes him a paedophile apologist, and part of the problem with society. The more families brush this under the carpet, the more our children will suffer. As far as I’m concerned my father and my brother are dead to me, and I will never speak with them again. He claims he doesn’t want to take sides…..well, in such a serious thing, sides must be taken. Anyone who supports a paedophile needs to be cut off to protect others. I’m so sorry for your niece that family don’t believe her, but hopefully the fact a jury did will be a comfort. It’s not a great feeling finding out your family are scum.

I am so sorry @Mylifehasimploded - what a truely awful thing to go through.

You are totally right about your brother. I would question his motives for staying in contact with a paedophile.

I am so uncomfortable with op's description of the father and sons as a 'wolf pack' like their father needs protecting, when the truth is it is his innocent victims who should be the focus.

Lik others i dont understand the asking to change nappies etc-if you didnt know anything about fil case why would you be so cautious

Years ago a senior police officer in child protection told me that abusers never believe they have done anything wrong. The hideous comment aimed at your daughter shows FIL cannot see what is unacceptable.
His comment actually made me feel physically sick. That’s how outrageous it is.
I don’t know if there’d be any counselling your DH and brothers could have that might help them see the situation with clarity.
I was abused as a child by a family member. When the abuse was discovered my mother blamed me —- I was seven or eight years old.
I hope the young girl who’s been abused will be ok and is getting lots of support and help. Being accused of lying or at fault when you’re an abused child is awful and can have long lasting consequences.

Yes I don't like how the OP minimises her DH's reaction to the niece in this and how their "little wolf pack" have banded together to support FIL.

The niece was a little girl like your DD. Ask yourself will the wolf pack turn on you and DD if it happens to her either at the hands of FIL or his pack?

I would be so thoroughly disgusted with your dh, his whole mentality would be a deal breaker. His father is a convicted pedophile, there is no dancing around that. Also take a look at yourself, you are trying to convince him otherwise as well as minimizing his reactions. You cannot expect him to acknowledge it, if you don't acknowledge your own reaction.

im not in contact with her or her mother, tbh i only met them one before she came forward.

@Overreactingmom13
You need to find this child and start openly supporting her. You could send her letters, cards, anything that is affirmative and supportive.

If you're not clearly with her she suffers alone.

** Your DH doesn't believe his poor niece, but you seem kind of ok with this? I mean, you haven't gone NC with your FIL either have you?

The two of you have cosy facetime chats, with your daughter sat there, with a man who you both know full well is a convicted sex offender.

It's not just your husbands boundaries that are off here. If my husband insisted on maintaining contact with a child sexual abuser there is no way on earth that I would participate in that contact, and even less chance that I would involve my child.

What the fuck have you been thinking, facilitating contact with this man during the YEARS that this has been going on?**

^This.

Your FIL is a convicted, jailed paedophile who abused his own granddaughter. Tragically, her own father doesn't support her and your husband prioritises the need to "believe" in his fathers "innocence" above everything else, to the point of a dismissing disgusting sexual comment about his toddler daughter as "a joke".

This family, including your husband, is a major problem OP. They prioritise the protection of a convicted abuser. I hope to God you wake up to that fully because there is no hiding from this if you want to maintain your integrity as a parent.

I’m struggling to understand why you were shocked at what your FIL said. You knew that you were on a call with a monster who had done something horrific to a child. Why would you think that your child would be exempt from his attention?

Why are you judging your DH for believing and supporting his father when you’re happy to sit on a call with him and play happy families? You can take all of these steps to protect your DD and ensure that she’s never left alone with any men but if you’re willing to sit on a video call with a child sex offender and allow him to engage with your child, then your boundaries also need some serious evaluation.

Also, why are you surprised that your DH brushed off a sexual comment about your child and made out that it was nothing, when he brushed off the sexual abuse of his niece and made out that she was lying?