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DH shouts at me for putting kids in "danger"
290

Eyes99 · 25/01/2022 12:19

This morning as we were rushing to get DC ready for nursery - I left the childgate open and out 2.5 year old walked up the stairs and got something from his bedroom

DH spotted DC had gone upstairs and said "You left the bloody gate open, DS could have fallen back down the stairs and cracked his head open"

I said "you are being a bit dramatic" and he then basically lost his s*it and said I'm like a defensive teenager more interested in "not being told off" than our 'DC safety'.

DH then accused me of not caring about DS safety.

This ended in an almighty row and now he's not talking to me

I think I shouldn't have left the gate open but every time DS grabs something he shouldn't (I try my hardest to toddler proof things and I'm very careful) - he always says the worst thing that could have happened e.g. DS grabbed a perfume bottle out of my hand and DS ran off with it and DH said 'He could have poisoned himself'. It's just all a bit much???

He suffers from anxiety. But I don't want to be shouted at all the time. For me - I just think we are as careful as possible but DH gets angry about things that haven't actually happened. He was literally shouting 'DS could have died falling down those stairs' while poor DS is just stood perfectly safe waiting to be driven to nursery

To my mind- the shouting is more damaging as it's actually bloody happening.

Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

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Poorenough · 25/01/2022 12:23

I think it really depends on your child. Shouting isn't okay either way, but my 2.5 year old could absolutely not be left alone on the stairs. I'd be WTF at dp if he had left the gate open.

The perfume seems really over dramatic, but again if your DC happens to drink whatevers in his hands?


Either way, he needs to have a calm conversation with you and you with him. Shouting and screaming doesn't fix anything.

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ThreeFeetTall · 25/01/2022 12:27

I have a 2.5 year old. The bottom stair gate came off long ago but we keep the top one. Depends on the child.
Does your DP have full care of the child much? Not just a couple of hours but all day sometimes? Easy to say keep your eyes on them at all times but impossible in practise IMO

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Yuckypretty · 25/01/2022 12:29

He really needs to work on his anxiety. It's not OK for him to shout at you like that.

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Wideawakeandconfused · 25/01/2022 12:29

Shouting isn’t ok, but equally being aware of dangers around the home is important. Why was the gate left open, is it a regular occurrence?

Maybe you both need to find some middle ground here.

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RogerDodger · 25/01/2022 12:30

Why do you allow any shouting in your home? I would have stomped on that the first time he even tried to raise his voice to me.

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ScatteredMama82 · 25/01/2022 12:32

Depends if it was a one-off or if there are often incidents like this. I would expect my DH to be annoyed if I repeatedly let DC get their hands on something potentially hazardous or left stair gate open etc.

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PrimroseBed · 25/01/2022 12:32

It's absolutely not ok for him to shout at you.

I'd recommend a book called Letting Go as Children Grow for how to cope with anxiety around risk.

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SheWoreYellow · 25/01/2022 12:32

I would think you’d be teaching them how to safely manage stairs by 2.5. It’s definitely not an immediate emergency if one wanders up them at that age.
The shouting and stressing is definitely damaging.

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Eyes99 · 25/01/2022 12:33

It does depend on the child. My DS is confident on the stairs but he gets distracted and they're steep. So one of us is usually there to walk behind him when he wants to go upstairs. So it's definitely my fault.

I guess my question is....what I resent is him saying 'DS could have fallen and cracked open his skull'. That's what makes me angry.

We could describe the worst possible thing to happen in any given situation. He says he says that to 'drive home to me how important safety is'

But I feel like i'm being told off. I am being told off. And then he says i make it all about me. But surely 'oh love you left the gate open' would do? That's what I do when he leaves something out that shouldn't - not say 'he could have slipped and died' when he leaves a split drink on the floor or something

It seems a mad way to conduct yourself to me. He has a very anxious mother who always worries everyone is going to fall over everything and die. And he is very anxious himself. And I absoltely do not want my DS to grow up being told that every staircase/park is potential death!

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ComDummings · 25/01/2022 12:36

He’s going to end up making your child anxious with his behaviour. Shouting that he could have died - basically because of you - while he’s standing right next to you is not on, absolutely. I think it’s fine to be annoyed that you’d left the gate open but a word out of earshot of your son is more appropriate.

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Notwithittoday · 25/01/2022 12:37

He’s anxious and you’re probably too blasé. Shouting isn’t ok but you need to be aware of dangers and safeguard against them.

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PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2022 12:37

This sounds like the sort of argument two stressed, sleep deprived people have with other.

It’s not ideal he shouted. I can see how you calling him over dramatic wound him up.

I agree that a calm conversation about risk and what’s actually realistic in terms of closing the stair gate every time is probably what’s needed. Just because he has anxiety doesn’t automatically make him wrong there.

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Chunkymonkey123 · 25/01/2022 12:38

My DH can be like yours and it’s horrible. I suspect you’ll get replies telling you that he’s right but it’s really horrible being told off all the time like you are a terrible mother. I am far more safety conscious than most people I know and it’s not still enough. DH suffers from anxiety too. 💐

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PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2022 12:41

I guess my question is....what I resent is him saying 'DS could have fallen and cracked open his skull'. That's what makes me angry.

But that’s what could have happened, especially with the added information that one of you needs to walk behind him on the stairs at the moment.

It doesn’t really sound like you’re taking the risk seriously here, and I suspect he feels you’re not that bothered in real life either which is why he said what he did.

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itwasntaparty · 25/01/2022 12:44

You sound like you are at completely opposite ends on this one and need to meet in the middle somehow.

We still had gates at 2.5 for DTs as they couldn't be trusted not to piss about on the stairs, they didn't play alone in their room for a long time, maybe 4, but your child may be more trustworthy. I think most of my friends had got rid of gates by 2.5 apart from the ones with really steep or narrow stairs.

One of mine ended up at A&E at 3.5 because she put dolls' hats on her feet and decided to try and ski down the stairs. I was at the gym. DH definitely got a bollocking for that one. She had a broken toe.

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YouMakeShitTea · 25/01/2022 12:48

Your husband needs to work on his anxiety. Although the probabilities differ-your Ds could trip over a toy on the floor and crack his head open-the probabilities are different but it's not impossible
You cannot shield your Ds from every accident.
Dc are not always in sight, however vigilant you are and however much care you take.

Shouting is incredibly stressful for your dc-that needs to stop
Fwiw I'm sure I got rid of the stair gate at around 2.5. Dc have to learn boundaries as well as putting preventative measures in place. Your dc needs to learn that he's not allowed to walk upstairs on his own atm and he waits at the bottom for an adult.
Your dc also needs to learn to be able to walk up and down safely, what age would your husband suggest your dc isn't in need of supervision? (I'd say 3 ish imo but it does depend on the dc)

People say things in anger. I think the biggest issue here is the anxiety of your husband and that will only get worse as dc gets older and is more capable of doing things unsupervised

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Lilymossflower · 25/01/2022 12:48

I grew up in a household where one parent was exactly as you describe your husband. It wasn't very nice. I understand it's not just about this child gate incident, but about everything you do.

It's not ok for him to shout And berate you about death at every mistake. Mistakes like that are just a part of life. He needs to work on himself I think. Also does he do everything perfectly when he is looking after the kids for long amounts of time ? I don't think any human can be

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lemonjam · 25/01/2022 12:48

My 2.5 year old has been safely walking up and down stairs for a really long time.

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PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2022 12:50

@lemonjam

My 2.5 year old has been safely walking up and down stairs for a really long time.

The op says hers isn’t safe on the stairs yet.m
The dh isn’t totally over the top in this particular worry.
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GrandRapids · 25/01/2022 12:51

I'll admit to being like your husband. Ours needed to be watched very carefully and husband had form for doing things like this.

Yes my mind immediately went for the worst outcome but that's just how my mind works when it comes to child safety.

Don't get defensive as it'll make things worse. Just own up to the cock up and don't do it again.

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riverpebbles · 25/01/2022 12:53

I was like this when I had PTSD - hypervigiliance over every little thing, seeing danger everywhere. Of course the problem is there IS actually danger everywhere, but my reactions were disproportionate and unhelpful. I think your DH might need help to manage his fears.

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DorotheaHomeAlone · 25/01/2022 12:55

My almost 2yo is allowed up and down stairs now. DC3 and we never even put up stair gates this time. It is ok for him to raise this stuff with you. It is absolutely not ok for him to tell you off or to hype up the danger level of everyday things in your kid’s presence. He is going to pass on his anxiety and tech them that anxiety entitle you to berate your loved ones. Both more damaging than a tumble down a few stairs.

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L0stinCyberspace · 25/01/2022 12:55

Shouting is not OK. He needs to take responsibility for his anxiety and get help, otherwise your children may inherit it, as I did from my DF who was exactly like this with my DM.

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JustWonderingIfYou · 25/01/2022 12:55

So your child never goes up and down the stairs alone?!
My 2 year old is up and down all day, no chance I'm following him everything at 38 weeks pregnant. I would actually send him up for something like perfume to save myself the trip!
I think I'd tell dh to focus on teaching the child how to use the stairs rather than so much shouting.

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itsgettingweird · 25/01/2022 12:56

By that age most people have the stair gate on the bedroom door at night/ or top of stairs for safety. Their kids go up and down stairs freely.

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