DH shouts at me for putting kids in "danger"

[Eyes99]

This morning as we were rushing to get DC ready for nursery - I left the childgate open and out 2.5 year old walked up the stairs and got something from his bedroom

DH spotted DC had gone upstairs and said "You left the bloody gate open, DS could have fallen back down the stairs and cracked his head open"

I said "you are being a bit dramatic" and he then basically lost his s*it and said I'm like a defensive teenager more interested in "not being told off" than our 'DC safety'.

DH then accused me of not caring about DS safety.

This ended in an almighty row and now he's not talking to me

I think I shouldn't have left the gate open but every time DS grabs something he shouldn't (I try my hardest to toddler proof things and I'm very careful) - he always says the worst thing that could have happened e.g. DS grabbed a perfume bottle out of my hand and DS ran off with it and DH said 'He could have poisoned himself'. It's just all a bit much???

He suffers from anxiety. But I don't want to be shouted at all the time. For me - I just think we are as careful as possible but DH gets angry about things that haven't actually happened. He was literally shouting 'DS could have died falling down those stairs' while poor DS is just stood perfectly safe waiting to be driven to nursery

To my mind- the shouting is more damaging as it's actually bloody happening.

Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

No one wants to be told off like a child. It's also completely futile - you can't turn back time and shut the stair gate.

I don't think I could tolerate being shouted out for making a mistake. And I say that as an anxious, risk averse parent.

He has a very anxious mother who always worries everyone is going to fall over everything and die.

I have a friend like this. It’s utterly exhausting. She becomes really high pitched and panicky whenever her child is more than a metre way from her. Even in a wide open flat field. This child is six. This child has dreadful anxiety herself and cries and panics about everything.

There isn’t a parent alive who hasn’t made a mistake and forgotten something… to strap a child in a car seat for example and only discovered when you arrive at your destination. What’s to be gained by shouting… the parent knows it could have had a bad outcome. I’ve seen toddlers tumbling out of pushchairs, I’ve seen pushchairs topple over with too much shopping on the handles, toddlers who’ve wandered off at play farms, babies who’ve rolled off the bed etc etc. I could go on. It doesn’t entitle someone to shout at you… that’s a horrible lesson.

Maybe he shouts because you constantly minimise / dismiss the risk?

My DH is the same as you and it drives me MAD

Just. Say. Sorry.

If you've made a mistake and he's upset, we would teach our kids to say sorry so we should too.

Yes, he IS being over dramatic and YES shouting is not the right way to go about it - but your reaction is unnecessary and escalates everything.

If you just said 'oh god yes, sorry" he might start to chill out.

Thanks so much for your comments. It definitely divides opinion

Just to clarify - we do need a stairgate. We are not being OTT about that. They are steep, hard floor underneath, gaps in btw the stairs and my DC is easily distracted and forgets his footing.

Also we have a younger DC too who is just learning to walk so the stairgate is there for a reason. Absolutely.

My issue is that I rarely forget to close it and I don't need someone to shout about the worst thing that could possibly have happened e.g. death.

I think he tries to relax but in his head is basically always playing out the worst things that could happen. Sometimes if DC tells me his tummy hurts, I don't mention it because I can't be bothered with him googling it.

My DH says to me 'why did you do this?' about leaving something out or forgetting to put the lid on something. Like he thinks I've got an actual explanation.

He says 'well you know it's dangerous because of this and that so i presume you must have a reason'.

Just now on the phone - I said to him it's the tone and the way you go about it and he just said ''Well I'm more concerned with DC not dying before breakfast than worrying about you being offended by my tone"

HUMPH.

The shouting is unacceptable but I have a 2.5 year old and haven't had baby gates for quite a while. That said, she's my third baby so I'm probably more blasé than I should be!

We all make mistakes. My middle child ate a whole tube of toothpaste 'on my watch' when he was about three and had to go to hospital. I was getting dressed and not supervising him closely enough, I completely admit that. DH was worried about DS (who was fine btw) but didn't have a go at me about it, he understands that these things happen to all parents and you can have your eyes on them 24/7. He never would have shouted at me about that or anything else for that matter.

We all take 'risks' with our children and I'd say the stairs one is quite small in the grand scheme of things. Plus telling you how terrible the outcome could have been is hardly helpful.

Oh also - for ppl saying about teaching my DC to climb the stairs. Yes - he can use the stairs himself of course - but with me with him or keeping an eye on him. He goes down on his bottom in the morning and climbs them at night to bed. But I am with him

I was in another room and he climbed them without me being there to go upstairs as he'd just had a tantrum.

I don't disagree with my DH it needed mentioning and it needs to not happen again. I disagree with being talked to like a child when it was a silly mistake, nothing bad happened, and I don't need to think about skulls cracking open at 8am!

Is he perfect?

Just now on the phone - I said to him it's the tone and the way you go about it and he just said ''Well I'm more concerned with DC not dying before breakfast than worrying about you being offended by my tone"

So you can't discuss it then?

I have no advice. I'd have kicked him in the balls by now - probably metaphorically, possibly not!

Your fault for leaving the stair gate open, sure, but where was your DH while his child was in such mortal danger? Leaving everything to you, I'd bet.

Sounds to me like several dads I have known, mentally AWOL while stuff is happening but quick to blame mum if something goes wrong.

Why are all these incidents your fault, not his?

And, yes, he is being over-dramatic. That level of anxiety, especially if coupled with mentally AWOL irresponsibility, would drive anyone nuts.

I didn't have any stairgates. No one died or even got hurt. They learned how to use the stairs. What encourages dangerous behavior is too much 'protection'/ restriction which, leads to rebellion (even in younger children).

Shouting and stonewalling is emotionally abusive and it’s not acceptable to make kids live in that environment. Your husband needs to stop his abusive behaviour choices. Never allow anyone to shout at you, ffs.

For me - I just think we are as careful as possible

If you leave the gate open you aren't though. There's no point having a gate if you leave it open.

Sounds like he's OTT about other stuff, though.

The shouting IS happening and it is damaging.

His constant anxiousness will become background noise to your DC, so they won't take any notice of anything he says. 'Boy who cried wolf' basically. It's unpleasant, putting everyone on edge constantly, background noise though.

For the short time the DC are listening, they might get ideas. 'Oh, I could drink this?' etc.

I’m possibly tracking you how to suck eggs, but doesn’t everyone teach their kids to descend stairs on their bottoms?

Hmm, my ex was always moaning like this. The "danger" I put them in was always far worse than anything he did mind. Sounds to me like he just likes shouting at you. My ex used to tell me I was like a belligerent teenager as well, whenever I tried to defend myself. This sounds like control rather than real fear of "danger".

He need help for his anxiety. He’s catastrophising and needs help to calm down and be more realistic.

I wouldn’t put up with the shouting at me, except in a genuine emergency.

Teach your toddler to do downstairs on his bottom. Much safer.
Also stop him from snatching anything from you. He’s plenty old enough to learn that. What if he snatched a hot drink?

I didn’t have stair gates at all surprisingly neither of my children fell down the stairs and died. It’s not ideal leaving a stair gate open but the way your DH is going on about safety concerns he’s going to make your kids terrified to do anything, just in case. Kids have accidents and they can’t always be prevented. My nephew broke his arm rolling off the sofa, my niece dislocated her knee stepping off a swing that had come to rest. My son tripped over his own feet and fell headlong into a door at school, not to mention the sporting injuries. Has your DH had any professional help with his anxiety?

@Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday

I’m possibly tracking you how to suck eggs, but doesn’t everyone teach their kids to descend stairs on their bottoms?

We never did this...

50 50 here. He shouldn't have shouted and needs help with his issues but I mean apart from the actual safety issues, you aren't really helping with his anxiety by not doing things like shutting the damn gate.

His behaviour is ridiculous, with two small children mistakes happen and if they worry you, you have sensible discussions about getting a different kind of stairgate or something - you don't occupy the moral high ground, make your toddler super anxious about everything and shout at your wife.

Can you get DH to agree that things like this are only discussed after DC has gone to bed? Then he will hopefully have calmed down and your DC will not be affected.

There's a 'lying on your tummy and sliding down stairs feet first' stage, which is quite fun.

Stair gates are useful but they're not the answer to everything.

I suppose we don’t know how often you keep leaving the stair gate. If it’s carelessly often, followed by you fobbing him off, I can understand his frustration. He’s not wrong, your DC could’ve fallen and hurt himself.

I’m saying that, we never had stair gates, they were. I used to keep them in the same room with me, etc until they were sensible enough to play on their own in a separate room so don’t listen to me on baby-proofing!

I have a 2.5 year old. The bottom stair gate came off long ago but we keep the top one

I know this is so tempting (we had 3 DfC under 5 😬) but please be really careful. One of ours got to the top, couldn't turn round safely, but couldn't carry on up because the top gate was there, and fell all the way down. Luckily only had a few bruises but it was a heart-stopping moment. I get the logic of leaving the top gate there, to stop a fall from the top landing, but, if you really can't stand keeping the bottom gate, maybe teach yours to open the top gate so that they don't get trapped at the top of the stairs?

Sorry to sound like a nag - I just wouldn't want anyone else to go through that moment of pure horror when we heard her fall.