DH shouts at me for putting kids in "danger"

[Eyes99]

This morning as we were rushing to get DC ready for nursery - I left the childgate open and out 2.5 year old walked up the stairs and got something from his bedroom

DH spotted DC had gone upstairs and said "You left the bloody gate open, DS could have fallen back down the stairs and cracked his head open"

I said "you are being a bit dramatic" and he then basically lost his s*it and said I'm like a defensive teenager more interested in "not being told off" than our 'DC safety'.

DH then accused me of not caring about DS safety.

This ended in an almighty row and now he's not talking to me

I think I shouldn't have left the gate open but every time DS grabs something he shouldn't (I try my hardest to toddler proof things and I'm very careful) - he always says the worst thing that could have happened e.g. DS grabbed a perfume bottle out of my hand and DS ran off with it and DH said 'He could have poisoned himself'. It's just all a bit much???

He suffers from anxiety. But I don't want to be shouted at all the time. For me - I just think we are as careful as possible but DH gets angry about things that haven't actually happened. He was literally shouting 'DS could have died falling down those stairs' while poor DS is just stood perfectly safe waiting to be driven to nursery

To my mind- the shouting is more damaging as it's actually bloody happening.

Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

@BookFiend4Life "a come to Jesus talk with him"

???

@mathanxiety @Lolapusht

Yes to everything you've written here. I'm so used to supporting him too and putting everything down to anxiety that we are completely out of whack with stuff

Like right now I'm working from the spare room (albeit on MN quickly) and he is playing video games. The kitchen is a state. The bathrooms need doing. He is at home today but if I ask him to do them he will make a joke out of it, then he will possibly say he will do it in a bit, and then if i push him further he will say

"You said I could have time off work to sort my head out but actually you just wanted to have me at home to nag me"

A couple of days ago he said

"I didn't manage to clean YOUR bathroom today because I was too busy looking after the kids"

I said 'OUR bathroom' and he was like 'oh god - do you have a day off?'

The problem is I could list countless examples of poor behaviour - it all stems from him thinking I'm his mother and I'm in charge. I think you're right about me needing to be perfect and thats why he shouts when I screw tiny stuff up.

He actually jokes I have three sons. And he always says 'thank god you're in charge'

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I wish I could find a way out without ruining everyone's lives. If I thought I could be free - I would do it -but I'm just swapping one headache (having an anxious manchild in my house who occassionally is sweet/funny/helpfu) to another headache (a depressed bitter manchild ex husband who I will spend 15 yrs fighting over children)

I feel so depressed. And angry at myself for falling for it and giving my two DS this scenario

When we lost our babies - he didn't deal with it and just nagged me about the heating bill relentlessly & keeping the heating too high every day. I even drove myself back from the hospital because he couldn't.

Oh gosh. That was such an essay. Sorry. Can't believe this all started about a stairgate.

@Eyes99

Oh gosh. That was such an essay. Sorry. Can't believe this all started about a stairgate.

Even if you can't get him to go to some stuff of therapy - you need someone to talk to. You've had a shit ton to deal with, with no support. Please start looking after yourself. You deserve it and your children need it.

Sorry OP, that's just an expression. It means a serious conversation where you lay all your cards on the table, tell him exactly what needs to change and what the consequences will if they don't. I think a lot of women feel the way that you do, that separating will just cause a lot of angst and difficulty, and some of those women stay and some don't. I wish you the best, I know it's very difficult.

I wish I could find a way out without ruining everyone's lives.

You are not going to ruin everyone's lives by finding the legal way out of this.

He can sink or swim on his own. You are not responsible for him.

Go to a solicitor and talk frankly about what you are dealing with, Explore the options you have wrt his contact with the children.

When we lost our babies - he didn't deal with it and just nagged me about the heating bill relentlessly & keeping the heating too high every day. I even drove myself back from the hospital because he couldn't.

My heart goes out to you.

You cannot go on trying to carry everything on your shoulders.

Go and see a solicitor.

Find yourself a kickass therapist too. You need support as you get yourself and the babies out of this, and you need someone to constantly remind you that your H is not your responsibility.

He can’t watch the kids for a day without help from his mother, so he’s hardly going to want the kids half the time if you split up.

I’m concerned that if he continues to work part time while you work full time, he will position himself as the main carer and try to get spousal maintenance from you. It might be worth getting legal advice.

This doesn't sound great. I understand that if you are quite "laid back" it may make his anxiety worse as he sees all sorts of dangers that you either don't acknowledge as dangers or that you don't treat with the same sense of urgency as he might see them. But it sounds like he is not taking active steps to manage his anxiety and he's also expecting YOU to take on the burden of accommodating his anxiety. HE feels anxious therefore he plays videogames and expects YOU to clean up the untidy/unclean rooms that make him feel there are choking hazards everywhere.

It sounds like he urgently needs CBT. Just having more "chill" time does not, in my experience, solve the problem because as soon as you go back into the environment, the same anxiety-provoking conditions reappear.

'Shout at me again like that one more time and we're done.'

Seems he is quite anxious, but not totally unjustified? I'd probably shout at my partner if I found my DS climbing the stairs unattended and they had left the game open. Shouting is OK sometimes (don't care what people say, it's a pretty natural human response in certain situations) but does sound like your DH needs to keep a better check on his emotions. The stair gate example isn't a good one though, as grown adults sometimes die cracking their heads open on the stairs, what other stuff does he get like this about?

Sorry, read some of your updates and yikes. Sorry for my first messege, it's obviously about so much more than this incident

Oh dear @Eyes99 I have just filtered all your posts so I could get your story.

My heart has sunk.
This man is draining the life out of you day by day & he is casting a long angry shadow over your children’s lives.
I am sorry to hear of your late miscarriage, such a traumatic experience for you to go through yet it has become all about him. His self absorption & warped self blanks out the feelings of others when it really matters because he’d have to shift himself out of his internal comfort & self pity.
Usually I am optimistic about couples working through their differences & going the distance together. BUT I do not see this for you.

He is slowly dismantling his responsibilities as an adult & parent by not addressing his problems, by reducing his working patterns, by not holding his end up. Soon, he’ll not be ‘capable’ of work at all, none of you will be thriving & he will rapidly rotate between controlling & dependent states. His anxiety is a useful gambit to carry in as he wishes.

He is not going to seek help because he has you to dump on & bully, he is not going to change because it’s all about him & that’s OK. He is deeply broken & it is not for you to break to keep him company.

He has chosen you because you are ‘laidback’. I bet he said you were wonderful at first & no-one understood him as you do? He has chosen you because you are passive & a carer. He has set you up on a low light so you’ve not noticed how hot the water is. But you can get out now.

I agree @mathanxiety you need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can.

He will not change. He is a pity pit.

I’m with @mathanxiety @Lolapusht.

he was sat on the sofa staring at the floor zoned out while the DC were running around causing havoc

I hope you pointed out that that was potentially a more serious situation than anything you have ever done. If he's zoned out, is he going to pay attention when they're about to fall over for put choking hazards in their mouths?

To be honest, I rather doubt that he actually would fight that hard for the kids if you left him. He sounds very self-centred and lazy, and he just wouldn't cope. He'd go back to mummy and they'd be so busy finding things to get worked up about that he wouldn't have time to pursue rights to the children.