DH shouts at me for putting kids in "danger"

[Eyes99]

This morning as we were rushing to get DC ready for nursery - I left the childgate open and out 2.5 year old walked up the stairs and got something from his bedroom

DH spotted DC had gone upstairs and said "You left the bloody gate open, DS could have fallen back down the stairs and cracked his head open"

I said "you are being a bit dramatic" and he then basically lost his s*it and said I'm like a defensive teenager more interested in "not being told off" than our 'DC safety'.

DH then accused me of not caring about DS safety.

This ended in an almighty row and now he's not talking to me

I think I shouldn't have left the gate open but every time DS grabs something he shouldn't (I try my hardest to toddler proof things and I'm very careful) - he always says the worst thing that could have happened e.g. DS grabbed a perfume bottle out of my hand and DS ran off with it and DH said 'He could have poisoned himself'. It's just all a bit much???

He suffers from anxiety. But I don't want to be shouted at all the time. For me - I just think we are as careful as possible but DH gets angry about things that haven't actually happened. He was literally shouting 'DS could have died falling down those stairs' while poor DS is just stood perfectly safe waiting to be driven to nursery

To my mind- the shouting is more damaging as it's actually bloody happening.

Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

@ancientgran
No its not true.
The 2.5 year old going upstairs alone and holding a bottle of perfume are not potentially deadly scenarios but everyday occurrences in most households.
The DH needs to understand and assess risk better or he will damage and alienate his children.
My Dad is from the "you'll have your eye out with that" "be careful" school of thought. After a while nobody listens to him. Its really unhelpful.

My relationship is the opposite of yours, I am alway child-proofing and hoping to prevent the worst case scenarios (which I do think of, albeit not always vocalise). OTOH there's my DH who is too laid back IMO and he too gets very defensive and tries to play a tennis game with me when I pick up on him being too laid back. Precisely what you're doing now. It's like talking to a teenager not a partner. It makes my blood boil and wastes my time.

Yes, anxiety needs to be kept at bait. It's more difficult for some people than for others. However, not owning up to your own mistakes, apologising and being more cautious going forward is wrong. It's disrespectful to your DH, it makes him feel like all the anxiety burdens him because you think he always exaggerates. It then builds up. Just because he is more anxious than you doesn't mean that you should do thinks that spiral his anxiety even more. To the contrary, you should work together as a team best you can.

And just because nothing happened this time doesn't mean it will always be the case. If you're annoyed at him for reacting this way it is pretty obvious this must be taking place on a regular basis which means you must be more lax than what you're trying to tell us on here. It clearly couldn't have been a one off which happens to all parents.

I think you need to reconsider your attitude, you're not a stroppy teenager but a mother and a partner. You don't come across particularly supportive or mature.

Firstly, as PPs have asked, how often is he solely responsible for both DCs, what was he doing this morning while you were getting the DCs ready, and why didn't he spot the open gate sooner?

Secondly, if this does ever happen That's what I do when he leaves something out that shouldn't - not say 'he could have slipped and died' when he leaves a split drink on the floor or something then I think you need to be less laid back and unaccusing of him. And ask him why he did that, because as it's dangerous he must have had a reason for doing it.

This isn't purely to play tit for tat. It's to point out to him that he does things which are unsafe too. I suspect he thinks he's perfect and never, ever does anything that puts either DC at the slightest risk.

I confess I’ve never actually had stairs gates on my actual stairs and I have 3DC. I have them on the bedrooms only.

It’s obviously not ideal especially if he still needs supervision on the stairs but it was just a mistake, you can’t have eyes everywhere with children, does he do any significant amount of time on his own with DC? Surely he understands that you didn’t do it on purpose?

Shouting at you and talking about all these horrible accidents and injuries in front of a child is so incredibly damaging and frightening. I would absolutely be sitting him down and having a conversation about what is an appropriate way of acting in times of stress and what is not to be tolerated in your relationship.

Oh and your DH is using safety and anxiety as an excuse for being a twat, if that is what you are asking.

I can relate to this.

As a mum, you know the risks of whatever you have accidentally done. I think it makes you feel worse if someone tries to make you feel even worse for a mistake!

It shouldn't be a blame game and like you said, a small comment like "darling you have left the gate open and he's up the stairs!" Is enough.

The sheer anxiety on this thread is astonishing. It is not at a normal level for some posters. I could not live my life enjoying nothing because I saw every opportunity as an inevitable death trap. I mean, a bottle of perfume being deadly? What?
It limits life at worst, and at best, limits your enjoyment of life, surely? And it would make sense that overanxious parents could account, at lease in part, for the rise of anxiety in kids.

We’re these posters always this fretful or has it been something awakened by child rearing?

@Onairjunkie

The sheer anxiety on this thread is astonishing. It is not at a normal level for some posters. I could not live my life enjoying nothing because I saw every opportunity as an inevitable death trap. I mean, a bottle of perfume being deadly? What? It limits life at worst, and at best, limits your enjoyment of life, surely? And it would make sense that overanxious parents could account, at lease in part, for the rise of anxiety in kids.

We’re these posters always this fretful or has it been something awakened by child rearing?

I agree.

Learn a lesson and then move on!
You can't constantly dwell and argue over what could have happened if something went wrong. God you would never leave the house !!! 🙄

Husband shouldn't have shouted at you or made such a big thing out of a simple mistake. Everyone makes mistakes with children, forgets things, sometimes. Your husband will too. On this occasion, no harm done.

You won't forget the stairgate again, time to move on.

You’d get a different balance of responses if you were the risk aware anxious parent and your DH was the lax one. I think you’d even get some LTBs thrown in for good measure.

Ok we all make one off errors but be honest, if this is something that happens a lot then he may well just be frustrated.

@PurplePansy05

My relationship is the opposite of yours, I am alway child-proofing and hoping to prevent the worst case scenarios (which I do think of, albeit not always vocalise). OTOH there's my DH who is too laid back IMO and he too gets very defensive and tries to play a tennis game with me when I pick up on him being too laid back. Precisely what you're doing now. It's like talking to a teenager not a partner. It makes my blood boil and wastes my time.

Yes, anxiety needs to be kept at bait. It's more difficult for some people than for others. However, not owning up to your own mistakes, apologising and being more cautious going forward is wrong. It's disrespectful to your DH, it makes him feel like all the anxiety burdens him because you think he always exaggerates. It then builds up. Just because he is more anxious than you doesn't mean that you should do thinks that spiral his anxiety even more. To the contrary, you should work together as a team best you can.

And just because nothing happened this time doesn't mean it will always be the case. If you're annoyed at him for reacting this way it is pretty obvious this must be taking place on a regular basis which means you must be more lax than what you're trying to tell us on here. It clearly couldn't have been a one off which happens to all parents.

I think you need to reconsider your attitude, you're not a stroppy teenager but a mother and a partner. You don't come across particularly supportive or mature.

I did say sorry. It doesn't happen all the time. Hardly at all. He was stressed generally and took it out on me and shouted in front of our child about the child dying.

I don't understand what is teenage like about having a calm, non-dramatic response to a mistake like leaving a gate open. The only response is surely 'oh shit - sorry - will definitely be more careful in the future'

Which is the reaction i gave

I only told him he was overdramatic when he was responded to me by shouting 'our child could have cracked his skull open and died' - like he was auditioning for a movie.

I understand that just because an accident didn't happen then doesn't mean it wouldn't happen again in the future. Because I understand logic.

I don't know if you/my DH want me to lie down on the floor and wail for forgiveness - but perhaps you need to reconsider your attitude and calm the fuck down.

@BillMasen

You’d get a different balance of responses if you were the risk aware anxious parent and your DH was the lax one. I think you’d even get some LTBs thrown in for good measure.

Ok we all make one off errors but be honest, if this is something that happens a lot then he may well just be frustrated.

Yes, there have been many similar threads with the sexes reversed, and the husband always gets a total kicking.

I haven't read the previous comments, but reading this reminded me of me and my family. I have complex ptsd due to childhood trauma, my mum also experienced childhood trauma, and we leap to the worst possible conclusion as the worst has already happened once so why wouldn't it again? Is he anxious in other areas of his life? Is there something that happened in his past that might make him overly anxious. I'm working through my own stuff, but I know it makes me irrational. For example when my oldest daughter was a new born my husband was so tired he left the keys in the front door and they stayed there all night. When I discovered it I was so upset because we could been murdered in our sleep or our child could have been abducted. Once my niece accidentally sprayed some perfume in my daughters eye, and she had to go to A&E, my sister drove my husband/daughter to the hospital, I was going to follow behind, but my sister was back quickly and so gave me a lift. My family (mum/other stater) assumed I had been abducted because my car was still there but I wasn't. I'm not saying there is any excuses for shouting but I'm wondering if there is anything else going on? It might help you understand his response.

He shouldn't have shouted. If he was that concerned he could have spoken to you and just said oh that scared me a little or whatever and you'd have said yeah meant to shut it these things happen.

perhaps you need to reconsider your attitude and calm the fuck down

How old are you again? A stroppy teenager comes to mind - again.

I see your blood is boiling now and that's most likely because this wasn't a one-off and deep inside you know that your behaviour pisses off your DH and you probably also know that you are too lax, too often.

Why don't you have a cup of tea, think it through and calm down? You seem very angry.

He shouldn't shout. But I totally agree with him

My just 2 year old grandaughter is perfectly capable of going up and down stairs on her own, but neither I or her parents would allow it just yet. However, as with many things children differ. She was walking at 9 months, her older sister was nearly 1 before she could walk. DH sounds like he needs to get some help with anxiety.

It was obviously dangerous for the 2yo to be on the stairs alone your DP is right why are you even questioning that, yes it was a mistake but don't you want to take responsibility for your own actions youre minimising what couldve happened to the 2yo I'd say a baby gate is ok as long as you're in the same room but a play and your dp is being realistic.

It depends how good your 2yo is with mobility to determine if they're safe enough to manage the stairs. we all make mistakes, if 2yo isnt safe to do that alone they shouldve been in a playpen if in a room unattended. babygates are ok if youre actually in the room with them

@lemonjam not what OP asked and it will vary on the child and stairs some stairs are very narrow and steep in older houses and wouldn't be allowed to be built that way these days
The fact your child can is beside the point

@JustWonderingIfYou again its not about what your child does or can do
Many people think there kids won't do xyz unto the day they do
And you don't know what the OP 's stairs are like or how ling her dc has even been walking
Why are so many commenting on oh my child can do this or that its not a competition

Ugh, his catastrophic thinking is giving me the ‘ick’ & I won’t be surprised if you get it sometime soon.

Maybe you could be just that be more conspicuously careful? Maybe not? Only you really know the answer to that question & from that work out if the feedback is fair or negging criticism. What is non negotiable is your child’s safety.

BUT you taking the brunt of his unresolved anxiety, poor coping skills & default setting of yelling which is becoming abusive. This does not look promising as everyday life is being taken over by unresolved conflict & rage.

Is he getting treatment from the GP for his anxiety? Referral to a local Cognitive Based Therapy programme?

@PurplePansy05

perhaps you need to reconsider your attitude and calm the fuck down

How old are you again? A stroppy teenager comes to mind - again.

I see your blood is boiling now and that's most likely because this wasn't a one-off and deep inside you know that your behaviour pisses off your DH and you probably also know that you are too lax, too often.

Why don't you have a cup of tea, think it through and calm down? You seem very angry.

We both told each other to calm down. And we both told each other to 'reconsider your attitude'

We probably both need to tell each other to stop arguing with strangers on the internet too

Ha ha ha.

I'm 33 by the way. I wasn't even stroppy when I was a teenager. I've generally always been pretty calm about stuff. I'd say I was pretty relaxed. I try to avoid talking about skulls cracking open in front of children though.

Massive over reaction on your DHs part.
I couldn't live in a state in constant drama like that. Things happen, no one was hurt and there's no need for shouting. If it's a regular thing there's still no need for his reaction, just a 'you left the stairgate open again' and reminder to close it.

My 2yo can climb over the stair gates, rendering then useless. Luckily he hasn't climbed over the top one but he's scaled the bottom one plenty of times and we've found him happily wrecking playing in his sisters room.

Toddlers get into everything, as parents you learn quickly what your dc is likely to do (in my case literally everything, he is a non stop ball of chaos) and are aware of what they're up to or the measures you need to have in place but we're all human. When I forget to close the stair gate DH will check the toddler is where he's supposed to be and then close it.

Why are people commenting on wether they have stair gates or not or what their dc can do that isn't whats been asked you have no idea how your stairs compare to the Op or your child
Op he shouldn't shout and should discuss and you should be able to say to him to maybe not always assume the worst and agree what you both think is a reasonable level of safety based on your child but it shouldn't be a blame game we all sometimes forget
My dc have had tumbles and i once let mine help polish as he was sensible apart from that day as he sprayed it in his face and it was on me as i assumed he would be ok and didn't take in to account that kids don't always act sensible, my dh never shouted at me though we just talked through that maybe he wasn't ready for some things like we thought , other times my dh has had to talk to me to say let them try xyz they are ready etc

At that age, my child would have climbed over the gate so I think he’s overreacting. In fact I recall the HV recommending they go around about age 2 because of the potential dangers of toddlers climbing over them.