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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH shouts at me for putting kids in "danger"

290 replies

Eyes99 · 25/01/2022 12:19

This morning as we were rushing to get DC ready for nursery - I left the childgate open and out 2.5 year old walked up the stairs and got something from his bedroom

DH spotted DC had gone upstairs and said "You left the bloody gate open, DS could have fallen back down the stairs and cracked his head open"

I said "you are being a bit dramatic" and he then basically lost his s*it and said I'm like a defensive teenager more interested in "not being told off" than our 'DC safety'.

DH then accused me of not caring about DS safety.

This ended in an almighty row and now he's not talking to me

I think I shouldn't have left the gate open but every time DS grabs something he shouldn't (I try my hardest to toddler proof things and I'm very careful) - he always says the worst thing that could have happened e.g. DS grabbed a perfume bottle out of my hand and DS ran off with it and DH said 'He could have poisoned himself'. It's just all a bit much???

He suffers from anxiety. But I don't want to be shouted at all the time. For me - I just think we are as careful as possible but DH gets angry about things that haven't actually happened. He was literally shouting 'DS could have died falling down those stairs' while poor DS is just stood perfectly safe waiting to be driven to nursery

To my mind- the shouting is more damaging as it's actually bloody happening.

Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

OP posts:
PoshPyjamas · 25/01/2022 14:26

I couldn’t live like this!

I do find that people with anxiety like to spread it around.

He won’t change.

3WildOnes · 25/01/2022 14:27

We have never had a stair gate. My 2 year old goes up and down the stairs as she pleases, sometimes she plays downstairs, sometimes she plays in her room upstairs, I don’t spend my day following her around the house!

cultkid · 25/01/2022 14:27

My 2.5 year old opens the gate and plays upstairs I'm shocked at this

gogohm · 25/01/2022 14:27

I never had a stair gate! Mine are young adults now. He's lost any sense of proportionality

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 25/01/2022 14:28

I’m surprised with a stair gate at2.5?! Mine were up on the climbing frame at that age! Your DH sounds very OTT

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2022 14:29

"Or maybe he’s just pissed off at his partner being so neglectful of her children?"

He is not doing that and I also doubt very much he has done anything about any anxiety he has. He is using the child here to punish her for his attitude towards risk in his head. Verbal abuse is never acceptable within a relationship.

Ellowyn · 25/01/2022 14:31

His anxiety has made him super vigilant. These dreadful outcomes are a real possibility in his mind and he's suffering. Try to help him cope.

justasking111 · 25/01/2022 14:32

Well as a granny that child minds I am anxious about the gate the older kids leave it open I make sure the little one doesn't follow by closing it. Take more care, I suspect whenever husband's leave the gate open they're pulled up on it

ancientgran · 25/01/2022 14:32

@Eyes99

It does depend on the child. My DS is confident on the stairs but he gets distracted and they're steep. So one of us is usually there to walk behind him when he wants to go upstairs. So it's definitely my fault.

I guess my question is....what I resent is him saying 'DS could have fallen and cracked open his skull'. That's what makes me angry.

We could describe the worst possible thing to happen in any given situation. He says he says that to 'drive home to me how important safety is'

But I feel like i'm being told off. I am being told off. And then he says i make it all about me. But surely 'oh love you left the gate open' would do? That's what I do when he leaves something out that shouldn't - not say 'he could have slipped and died' when he leaves a split drink on the floor or something

It seems a mad way to conduct yourself to me. He has a very anxious mother who always worries everyone is going to fall over everything and die. And he is very anxious himself. And I absoltely do not want my DS to grow up being told that every staircase/park is potential death!

You might resent him saying it but it is true isn't it.
Original poster
Eyes99 · 25/01/2022 14:33

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

I’m surprised with a stair gate at2.5?! Mine were up on the climbing frame at that age! Your DH sounds very OTT
My DC is on the climbing frame too. And has been for a long time. But the stairs are v. steep, with big gaps btw the stairs, they are hard wood, and the floor is v hard underneath. It's a very old house. Also I watch him on the climbing frame.
OP posts:
Bortles · 25/01/2022 14:33

This sound lieka reverse of me and my partner. Im a catastrophiser, he's oblivious, so we sort of balance out. I side with your DH, op.

aloris · 25/01/2022 14:34

I think if he is frequently shouting at you about safety then something is off kilter. If you have both agreed to certain safety measures and yet you are frequently breaking those measures, then it suggests to me that either (a) you don't really agree with those measures or (b) your home and home life are not arranged effectively for child safety.

Let's deal with (b) first. No human being can pay attention to all the things, all the time. It's impossible. So child safety in your home needs to be streamlined so you have enough attention, at all times, to pay attention to the essential things. So let's say you and your husband agree that the children should never be on the stairs unaccompanied, then you need a way to ensure that always happens. Change one of the prior conditions so it doesn't happen. It could be, she was on the stairs alone because your other child had the dishwasher open and was dragging out the utensils. Your solution might be, put a gate on the kitchen door so you don't have to worry about children opening the dishwasher. That way, your focus is on keeping the stair gate closed, not on trying the impossible task of supervising the dishwasher and the stairs in different parts of the house. Just an example. Shouting is not productive. Analysis is productive. Another example might be, DD got hold of your perfume while you were getting dressed. A solution might be, you keep the perfume up higher, or your husband wakes up 10 min earlier every day so he can supervise the children while you get yourself dressed in peace.

It could also be that you and your husband disagree about what's necessary. Maybe he thinks your child will eat the perfume, but you have observed that neither of your children has any interest in eating the perfume. That is a little different and there I think the primary caregiver (could be him, but, more likely it's you) usually has a more accurate instinct as to what things are immediate dangers to the children. But the point is that, if you are supervising the children by yourself, then the responsibility is on you, and you need to have the autonomy to get that job done. Same for him when he is supervising them alone. If you are doing the majority of the sole supervision, handing the children back to him healthy and in one piece, but he is criticising how you do it, then you may have a bigger issue of him not respecting that you are his equal and that you have an equal say in how your children are raised.

Nocutenamesleft · 25/01/2022 14:34

I know someone who was like this

Their child grew up tk be the most anxious person ever. He was the first person who showed me what the product of your parents shoes you

It really can make a huge difference.

Original poster
Eyes99 · 25/01/2022 14:35

I feel like I'm defending myself on all angles...half of you saying I'm too lax & putting my kid at risk, half of you saying I'm being mad at having stairgates at 2.5 yrs.

But the issue is with DH and his shouting, not whether people have views on whether stairgates are good or not.

OP posts:
pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 25/01/2022 14:35

Why wasn't your DH looking after DS?
Why is all the supervision in a morning down to you?
What was he doing that was more important than what you were doing?

Enjoy the peace and quiet if he's giving you the silent treatment.

thisplaceisweird · 25/01/2022 14:37

@Eyes99

I feel like I'm defending myself on all angles...half of you saying I'm too lax & putting my kid at risk, half of you saying I'm being mad at having stairgates at 2.5 yrs.

But the issue is with DH and his shouting, not whether people have views on whether stairgates are good or not.

You need to stop being so defensive and just own it. You get to decide as a mother what you think is right or not, not us.

Accept if you've made a mistake, try not to lash out at your husband. It never, ever helps a situation.

Speak to him and ask him to be kinder dealing with issues, especially in front of your son.

blyn72 · 25/01/2022 14:37

Mine used to go up and downstairs at two and a half, no problem at all.

Your husband was over reacting.

londonmummy1966 · 25/01/2022 14:37

Ok -- you messed up - we all do that from time to time and I'm sure one of the reasons you are coming across as a bit defensive is that you are well aware of that and the consequences. However, two things spring to mind. Where was your DH when this happened? Why didn't he get up and shut the stairgate/keep an eye on DS? Secondly, how often does he look after the 2 DC on his own? If the answer is not often then I think he needs to step up a bit - perhaps agree that he has them for a hour stint on his own at the weekend?

Aug12 · 25/01/2022 14:38

Shouting at you is definitely not ok but having a chat and raising concerns is. I think it would very much depend on the child whether they are safe to go up and down stairs. I agree with him about the perfume though, I wouldn’t let mine run off with a perfume bottle not incase he poisoned himself but in case he tripped up whilst running with a glass bottle.

ittakes2 · 25/01/2022 14:38

I think you must have a stairgate there for a reason. Shouting is not OK but I agree with him you are acting defensive. You must have a stairgate there for a reason - so if you have accidentally left it open mental note to make sure you don't do that again rather than try and justify its OK.

tkwal · 25/01/2022 14:39

If you live your life by "what if" you will never go anywhere or do anything. By all means take reasonable precautions (stair gates, socket covers etc)but accidents can and will happen. Shouting will just make your dc so anxious they will be scared to move

ittakes2 · 25/01/2022 14:40

Eyes99
I feel like I'm defending myself on all angles...half of you saying I'm too lax & putting my kid at risk, half of you saying I'm being mad at having stairgates at 2.5 yrs.
But the issue is with DH and his shouting, not whether people have views on whether stairgates are good or not.
OP - this is the question you actually asked - no mention of his shouting
Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

Newcastleteapot · 25/01/2022 14:42

My dh used to do this a bit, not as bad as yours.

It took a long time to cure him of it. When he did it I stayed calm, and just said 'OK, it was an accident'.

When he shouts he's being the parent and you the naughty child. If you stay in 'adult mode' then over time the dynamic will change.

What happens when he does something ooooo SOOOOO dangerous ?!

girlmom21 · 25/01/2022 14:44

@Ellowyn

His anxiety has made him super vigilant. These dreadful outcomes are a real possibility in his mind and he's suffering. Try to help him cope.
I'm on DH's side here but disagree with this comment.

I have severe anxiety but manage to not shout at my other half, especially when my children are present. Let's not excuse his bad behaviour.

Original poster
Eyes99 · 25/01/2022 14:47

@ittakes2

Eyes99 I feel like I'm defending myself on all angles...half of you saying I'm too lax & putting my kid at risk, half of you saying I'm being mad at having stairgates at 2.5 yrs. But the issue is with DH and his shouting, not whether people have views on whether stairgates are good or not. OP - this is the question you actually asked - no mention of his shouting Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?
Yeah. You've got me there. I did say that. Hands up to that one

I guess I just mean there are lots of people saying 'stairgate at 2.5 year old...must be mad'

But when I spot something like a mistake happening like that I think 'oh sugar, I should have shut that. Must remember to shut it in the future' and then I move on and crack on with getting him ready for nursery

my DH thinks we had a near death experience this morning

OP posts:
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