DH shouts at me for putting kids in "danger"

[Eyes99]

This morning as we were rushing to get DC ready for nursery - I left the childgate open and out 2.5 year old walked up the stairs and got something from his bedroom

DH spotted DC had gone upstairs and said "You left the bloody gate open, DS could have fallen back down the stairs and cracked his head open"

I said "you are being a bit dramatic" and he then basically lost his s*it and said I'm like a defensive teenager more interested in "not being told off" than our 'DC safety'.

DH then accused me of not caring about DS safety.

This ended in an almighty row and now he's not talking to me

I think I shouldn't have left the gate open but every time DS grabs something he shouldn't (I try my hardest to toddler proof things and I'm very careful) - he always says the worst thing that could have happened e.g. DS grabbed a perfume bottle out of my hand and DS ran off with it and DH said 'He could have poisoned himself'. It's just all a bit much???

He suffers from anxiety. But I don't want to be shouted at all the time. For me - I just think we are as careful as possible but DH gets angry about things that haven't actually happened. He was literally shouting 'DS could have died falling down those stairs' while poor DS is just stood perfectly safe waiting to be driven to nursery

To my mind- the shouting is more damaging as it's actually bloody happening.

Am I too relaxed? Should I be grateful for a DH so child safety conscious?

[BlingLoving]

I understand completely. You made a mistake, you acknowledged this mistake and yet he is going on and on and on at you, shouting and generally being patronising and rude. If you have a habit of leaving that stairgate open, I could possibly understand his fury, but as a once off, no, I can't.

It is possible that you're a bit blasé about DC's safety, but it does sound like he's complete the opposite direction and that he really needs to get a more balanced approach. The reality is that as parents we simply cannot prevent and foresee all and every risk. In fact, I often think that is a miracle children make it to adulthood at all. But if he is going to try to remove all risk, all he's doing is removing any liklihood that your DS will learn to manage and assess risk for himself. He's only little now, but this is a slippery slope - today it's about the stair gate, in 10 years time it's going to be about whether he's allowed to go anywhere alone.

DS has a v good friend whose dad was terrified that he'd drown so insisted he was going to do the swimming lessons himself. Except he didn't. So the kid can swim and is actually v confident in the water, but he's certainly not a good swimmer. But the dad is still terrified. Unfortunately for him, in DS' group of friends, pool parties are the "thing" at the moment and he's had to miss at least 3.

[VeganCow]

Stair gates at aged 2.5, at what age will you be removing the gate?!

[Theunamedcat]

I knew someone who was so paranoid about her child falling over and getting dirty hands (sge would freak out and wash the hands gping on about not being carful enough etc) that the child began falling with there hands tucked in (so face planting) anxiety is never a good trait to pass on to your children

[HotPenguin]

I think the problem is that your DH's reaction here, fine to draw your attention to the gate being open but he needs to do it in a reasonable way. You can't live with that level of stress. People have different ideas about what's ok for their kids and you need to be able to have a sensible conversation about it.

[gsaoej]

His fury and rudeness was probably from stress. Having little kids is hard. I'd forget about it.

[Trilley]

Just now on the phone - I said to him it's the tone and the way you go about it and he just said ''Well I'm more concerned with DC not dying before breakfast than worrying about you being offended by my tone"

Point out to him that you are validly concerned about your son growing up to be as over-anxious as his father and grandmother, and also growing up hearing a man treating his partner so rudely.

[Fatgalslim]

@VeganCow

Stair gates at aged 2.5, at what age will you be removing the gate?!

Did you not see the post where OP explained she also has a younger DC just starting to walk?

[T00Ts]

He says 'well you know it's dangerous because of this and that so i presume you must have a reason'.

This is loaded with condescension and that alone would drive me up the wall.

[RandomKettle500]

My ex p does not think about safety at all. It drives me mad. It’s doesn’t cost much (or anything) to be extra cautious in case something might happen, but in his mind if it hasn’t happened already it never will, so until I mentioned it he hadn’t secured large flatscreen tv (sitting above head height) to the wall, which, had one of the kids bumped the unit it sits on, could have toppled onto them. Recently I saw a large glass bowl of watery soup (e.g. boiling water) on the table beside my 7-year-old’s dinner. I asked dd to move to the far side of the table and ex p said “Nobody has ever knocked over a bowl of soup before”...I mean, he hasn’t yet had a serious car crash but it doesn’t stop him buying insurance etc. So from the safety point of view, I agree that you should be more cautious, if it’s a common slip up.

I don’t agree with shouting, which is one reason my ex is my ex.

The problem is that if you wait until your child does fall and crack their head open before being cautious with stair gates, it is by then too late.

[MsMarch]

DH doesn't stress and yell at me, but he does worry more. If he screamed and shouted at me I'd be furious. More worryingly, he had a lot of catastrophising about things that hadn't happened - eg he was walking down a road with DD and he saw an accident slightly ahead of him where, if him and DD had been closer, might have led to the car hitting DD. He was almost having full blown panic attacks about it. That was the worst and after that he started looking at options to change his thinking. I have am emory of him doing something physical to his body when he started having these intrusive thoughts - tapping his face and hand or something? - I'm not sure, but it worked and he's a lot less stressy now.

Importantly though, he accepted that he was being ridiculous.

[TulipsGarden]

Shouting is not ok, but a 2.5 year old is not safe on the stairs by themselves in my experience, and I'm amazed people are saying they are.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Eyes99

It suits him to act like he does towards you and he does this too because he can. It also gives him power and control over you.

He does not act like this around other people does he?.

What, if anything, has he done about his apparent anxiety here?. Like many abusive men as well he has not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for his actions (leaving it all on you instead). He seems AWOL before things go wrong and is all too quick to blame you solely for any transgressions that he perceives relating to risks, both real and imagined, in his head.

[thisplaceisweird]

I think both of you have stuff to work on. Own it, be honest about it, and cut each other some slack whilst you re-programme yourselves to act differently.

[girlmom21]

@TulipsGarden

Shouting is not ok, but a 2.5 year old is not safe on the stairs by themselves in my experience, and I'm amazed people are saying they are.

It depends on the child and the stairs. Mines perfectly fine.

[theemmadilemma]

I think you're right about communications styles he could tell you in much calmer, nicer way. Clearly his anxiety is playing into that. But I do wonder if your responses don't help?

Even when I address something calmly my DP has a habit of deflecting rather than just saying sorry, I'll keep an eye on that type thing. And it frustrates the fuck out of me, because it doesn't acknowledge the wrong doing in anyway. That ends up making me angrier than the initial stupid thing in the first place.

[Eyes99]

To everyone saying 'but you did put your DC in danger, you need to take it seriously'

I feel like I'm arguing with him again. It's not that I'm saying I didn't make a mistake or that I need to be more careful. I'm saying it doesn't warrant him shouting about my child dying in front of my child because that is deeply upsetting to me and my DC.

How can that be so hard to understand? Every time I explain it he says 'you are too relaxed how you can not see it's dangerous'

I mean - it's doing my head in.

[Soontobe60]

@ThreeFeetTall

I have a 2.5 year old. The bottom stair gate came off long ago but we keep the top one. Depends on the child.
Does your DP have full care of the child much? Not just a couple of hours but all day sometimes? Easy to say keep your eyes on them at all times but impossible in practise IMO

Which is why it’s a responsible thing make sure all precautions that can be taken are put in place. Such as stair gates at the top and bottom of the stairs - closed all the time. Putting anything that could poison your child - like perfume, cleaning products, booze - out of reach. Not doing this is just neglectful.

[Opentooffers]

Sounds like a '6 of 1' situation. You're reply could of said - "whoops, yea that was a dodgy oversight", but you chose to say " you're being dramatic" - he was possibly, but you already know he's an anxious type. Death being highly unlikely, children do actually bounce quite well, although you do mention having steep stairs - if it's an old terrace and not carpeted, then yea, that could be bad.
You are rubbing each other up the wrong way as you have different points of view. Perhaps an eye roll with your back turned, rather that pointing out his dramalama tendencies, will keep more peace in future. Sounds like it's ingrained in his personality, so you either manage it better or chose to live without it, or expect more arguments.

[Catch32]

My DH is like this. I don't think you can change somebody who is this safety conscious/anxious. Like you, I'm definitely more on the relaxed side. I don't always manage this, but I find the easiest way to placate him is to say, you're absolutely right, I'll be more careful next time. But then to show him over time that certain things aren't as unsafe as he believes e.g. show 2 year old very capably walking up the stairs with your supervision and point out when he is regularly mastering a skill that DH has anxiety around

[Soontobe60]

@Eyes99

To everyone saying 'but you did put your DC in danger, you need to take it seriously'

I feel like I'm arguing with him again. It's not that I'm saying I didn't make a mistake or that I need to be more careful. I'm saying it doesn't warrant him shouting about my child dying in front of my child because that is deeply upsetting to me and my DC.

How can that be so hard to understand? Every time I explain it he says 'you are too relaxed how you can not see it's dangerous'

I mean - it's doing my head in.

Maybe he’s just pissed off at your lax attitude to keeping your child safe? Maybe he has a point.

[Eyes99]

I take all your points about me possibly deflecting.

I said 'sorry' straight away but when he talked about head cracking open - I did tell him he was overdramatic and then probably was dismissive because I was frustrated with him - not because I don't actually take it seriously.

[Soontobe60]

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Eyes99

It suits him to act like he does towards you and he does this too because he can. It also gives him power and control over you.

He does not act like this around other people does he?.

What, if anything, has he done about his apparent anxiety here?. Like many abusive men as well he has not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for his actions (leaving it all on you instead). He seems AWOL before things go wrong and is all too quick to blame you solely for any transgressions that he perceives relating to risks, both real and imagined, in his head.

Or maybe he’s just pissed off at his partner being so neglectful of her children?

[NigellaAwesome]

Honestly OP, I don’t say this lightly, but I would really reassess if you see a future with this man. The catastrophising is bad enough, but the over the top shouting is abusive. Especially in front of your DC.

He really sounds insufferable. How is he going to cope when one of your DC does have an accident, which ALL children do at some stage of their lives? What if they hurt themselves at school - will he be marching up and shouting at the teachers?

From your description, I really wonder if he quite enjoys your apparent transgressions so that he has an excuse to shout at and belittle you.

[Eyes99]

"Maybe he’s just pissed off at your lax attitude to keeping your child safe? Maybe he has a point."

Bloody hell. I don't have a lax attitude. I didn't realise there were parents out there who never make mistakes or forget things.

[Deadringer]

My dc were late walkers and wouldn't have been great on the stairs so i was always very cautious when they were small. But, your dh is acting like a dick imo, shouting and making a drama out of a simple mistake, a mistake that i am sure most of us have made at one time or another.