Separation stories: chapter 2

[lemonmeringue85]

@freeatlast2021 I finally did it, start a new thread that is.. not the other thing which I really should now start taking seriously. I absolutely do not want to be next Christmas, where I was this Christmas.
Thankyou for your post, never apologise for the lengthy ones!!

I have no idea how to post the link to this one on the old edition but will try... so, if you're seeing this then I didn't do a bad job!

Welcome to round 2

@lemonmeringue85 Thank you soooo much for creating a new link, I know that everyone will appreciate it just as much as I do. Yes, it did work. As for the other thing, you are almost there, I know it, I can feel it. You just have to take a deep breath, close your eyes and jump. We will catch you on the other side.

[quote lemonmeringue85]@freeatlast2021 I finally did it, start a new thread that is.. not the other thing which I really should now start taking seriously. I absolutely do not want to be next Christmas, where I was this Christmas.
Thankyou for your post, never apologise for the lengthy ones!!

I have no idea how to post the link to this one on the old edition but will try... so, if you're seeing this then I didn't do a bad job!

Welcome to round 2 [/quote]
I feel the same. He was so horrible on Christmas day, I can't do that again, I can't.

Hi all - just marking my place. I'm new to the old thread (of that makes sense), but hoping to take the plunge very soon! 🤞🤞

Marking my place here as I am getting closer to leaving. I have been reading’Too good to leave, too bad to stay’ and it is giving me more clarity. Has anyone else read it?

@Nedclarity

Marking my place here as I am getting closer to leaving. I have been reading’Too good to leave, too bad to stay’ and it is giving me more clarity. Has anyone else read it?

No - will check it out. Am also thinking of reading Untamed and the Slummy Mummy book (Get divorced, be happy I think?). Although in all honesty I am possibly just delaying the inevitable.

Have you had conversations with your husband already? This is my main problem. I feel completely unable to start the discussion. I can even say I'm not happy. I'm driving myself mad!

@lemonmeringue85 thanks so much for starting this new thread, I was so happy to find it this morning!! I’m sorry you’ve had such an awful time over the last couple of weeks, keep posting and keep going, you’ll get there.

@Nedclarity I’ve heard of that book, might check it out if you find it useful, also the Slummy Mummy one as I’ve heard that’s really good too.

@scaredsadandstuck I remember what you’re feeling, just not being able to get the words out and tell him how I felt, it took me so long. But the feeling of relief is so worth it when you do.

Things are really weird and strained here. Not sleeping in the same bed anymore which is really positive and I’m so happy about it. We still need to sit down and make some concrete plans moving forwards, I hope that happens soon.

@scaredsadandstuck I read Untamed and it was quite good but I couldn’t help but feel the author almost wrote it as a justification to herself that she did the right thing…

I am also on the couch and I’ve said I’m not happy, we are having counselling but my heart is not in it.

@Nedclarity - yes I wondered the same about Untamed. I heard her speaking on Brené Brown's podcast and got that sense too. But I d agree with the general concept.

@Yellowswan - thanks. That's what I'm hoping for too. Obviously I'm hoping he's going to say "oh thank god you've said something" - but I doubt it. Hurting him and having him upset is the bit I'm dreading the most. Even more than the kids being upset, which is a bit messed up really.

I haven't updated in ages. I left for good in August, rented a house and now going through buying my own!
I know I am in a very good position financially, not high earner but my dad passed away a few years ago and left me money which has helped enormously.
I just want to tell everyone that it has been hard, and sad, ex is not a bad person so it's horrid to hurt him, but every time I speak to him it's a reassurance that I did the right thing. I don't even miss the family home.
Still haven't picked the courage to file for separation, that will be another massive blow, and I was waiting for Christmas to pass.
Kids are ok, I think main issues with them would have the same even if I had not left, but it is more difficult to manage as a single parent.

In summary, I get sad at times, but I am SO excited about the new place, slowly decorating it the way I want and having friends around!

@Nedclarity I read that book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, multiple times when I was separating from exDH. I found it immensely helpful and got me off the roundabout of "well he is bad at X, but good at Y" that was driving me mad. Just to see it said in writing that if your partner does this behaviour, it is more likely you will be happier on your own, was so freeing. I strongly recommend it to anyone tied up in knots about whether to break up when there's no one overwhelming factor, like he cheated or has an addiction.

FYI I separated over a year ago and while there are still difficulties, I am 1000x happier and the kids are fine.

Hi, I’ve been through this thread and the predecessor and decided to post, in part just to make sense of things maybe. And maybe get opinions from people who don’t know me.
I’m 55, husband, been married for 17 years and together for 19. Married before. I married the two people I’ve been in relationships with. DW and I met through an emotional affair at work. That’s my perspective, she differs saying as she had told exH before that she didn’t feel married to him it wasn’t an affair. I hadn’t said that to my exW although things weren’t good. Whatever the case we both, in my view, behaved shittily to our exes. We declared the relationship and left. We’ve both said since that we stayed together out of stubbornness as others said we were doomed. It was affair obsession and a desire to escape not love that had grown from getting to know each other. We literally moved in together from the spare rooms in our exes houses. We argued a lot and were arguably mutually verbally abusive and have been since - but we hung on in there. In the last few years DW has lost her sexual desire - at least for me. I think I turn her off although she has never said that. We get on okay in some ways, have some mutual interests but arguably now different values. We do best when we’re on holiday and real life isn’t in the way. We always have. Well that and when we’re distracted by TV. DW would say I’m cold and can be cruel and I’d say various things about her but I’m not going to here.

8 years ago I got very drunk and kissed a friend. I told DW and she was very very hurt. It hurts her now, in her mind it is exactly the same as an affair (and she may be right in that it communicated a lack of respect, broke trust and was again me being shitty and then some). Since then things got, not worse exactly, but we grew apart more, sex was always difficult and again we managed by spending money on escapism I think. We have both said in the past that things have to change and we try and within a few days it’s back to the same. I throw myself into obsessive housework and being ‘organised’ and become distant and DW criticises me for it. As money got tight and we could not escape things got worse.

I have suggested counselling in the past and recently and whilst I’d be able to talk about all I’ve done there is something DW and I did that she is ashamed off and says cannot be discussed. To be clear it isn’t something that hurt each other in what it was and arguably has hurt no-one but I was hurt by the expectation that I had to do it. Kind of “if you loved me you’d do this” without any “if you loved me you wouldn’t ask me to” consideration. So I’ve said if we can’t talk about everything then I’m not sure it will work. So we haven’t done it.

So I had the conversation about separating and we are looking into selling the house. Our kids are adults from our previous marriages and OK. But I feel awful about it. DW has said she doesn’t want me to leave, I am the person she wants to tell her daily work and other news to. But that to me now just isn’t enough. I know she finds me irritating and dull and is happier talking to others on her phone or in person. I probably am irritating and dull but I still have hope I could be in love with and love someone the right way. Meet, take it slow, get to know, fall in love. My first marriage to my first girlfriend was not that way and much to do with my awful self-esteem and fear of being alone. Which I’m afraid of now but willing to risk as my self-belief has grown somewhat in the last decade. I was a damaged child until 45 pretty much. But maybe because of my piss poor track record as a human I should suck it up and stay. Maybe I’m a selfish narcissist- I think I have certain traits and as part of my journey have tried to overcome these but when my colleagues and friends say I’m wonderful (some actually have said that and it makes me feel sort of sick) I think I’ve just conned them through narcissism and if only they knew the truth. I do think DW will be happier without me (I know she has been looking into an ex online) but she is afraid of the loss of house and lifestyle and how to live each day. I get that, so am I.

God that’s a long post. Sorry and don’t be kind to me, I’m not sure I deserve it.

@Notsuchaniceguy don't be too hard on yourself! I agree that the character of how you get together can affect your ongoing relationship and it sounds as though you're lacking common ground and compatibility (if the sex was always difficult). One person's 'irritating and dull' is another person's 'perceptive and focussed'.

I am nine months on from separating from my DH and can look back and see how being in a marriage where you miscommunicate constantly, have differing values, and little affection can wear you down and make you feel a bit s**t about yourself.

Good luck on your journey everyone.

@CowboyBebop yes I feel so much clarity now, whereas before all I could think was ‘but he’s so nice, there must be something wrong with me’. It’s also interesting to see exactly what issues are likely ‘fixable’ and what ones are unlikely to ever lead to a happy marriage.

Dotdotdotdash thank you. If I ever consider online dating in years to come I’ll be sure to write perceptive and focussed instead of irritating and dull You are right about the differing values, I notice it in our non mutual friends where these days I think ‘oh I’m going to struggle to find common ground with you on some stuff here’. Not that I want to live in a bubble or not debate but I have my hard lines.

For those of you who left because it just wasn’t enough as opposed to abusive or your partner cheated how much guilt did you have? If partner struggled after you left how did you cope with that?

@Notsuchaniceguy - I left my husband in September but had been checked out of the marriage for about 18 months. I felt awful for about a week. Then he told me he slept with someone else the night I left. Which lead me to feeling nothing since then. No guilt.

Now seeing someone new who has definitely changed my whole outlook, but very wary of the new relationship.

ExH is definitely struggling living on his own for the first time ever and I have no sympathy.

@OneGlamMama I get why your guilt didn’t last. That won’t happen here in that way. I desperately hope DW finds happiness, I’m just afraid she won’t. And I hope your new relationship works well for you. I’ll be very very wary of another because I get drawn to people I want to rescue (is this narcissism as it’s about me feeling good by doing it and liking the saviour role?). Both my relationships/marriages began that way, it’s how the emotional affair began that ended one and began the next. Although I do think now as my self esteem improves I think that urge/need is much less and I get (and feel) how it actually hurts others rather than helping them. So maybe I might be growing up (at 55 FFS - my kids are emotionally wiser and more rounded than me and they are 26 and 24).

@Notsuchaniceguy I am not extremely excited when guys venture out into the world of MN but it is always refreshing to get a different prospective, or the same prospective coming from the opposite sex. Anyway, it is amazing how many people stay because they feel guilty about leaving, and right there is your answer. You DO want to leave, you just feel bad about it. Do you think that this is a good foundation for a happy life?

I spent 25 years with my husband before I decided to call it quits. At least 15 of those I was… confused, sad, unhappy. My ex husband did not hit me, yell at me, cheat on me but I felt plenty abused. He controlled our money from the day one, he always had the last word when making any kinds of decisions, he would get upset if I would complain about anything, start arguing with me, eventually he would give me silent treatment to teach me a lesson. He thought he knew everything and would laugh at me and others if we did not know, he needed to be admired constantly, he thought very highly of himself to the point of sounding ridiculous, he had no empathy and could not sacrifice for others. (You say you think you are a narcissist, well you have not met my darling ex) In fact, I think that the breaking point for me was when I realized that I could not even say that "he is a nice guy", because he clearly is not. He is mean, rude, sarcastic and cynical. He used to do a lot around the house, and the kids, when they were younger, but lately he did not do much at all and did not get along well with the kids either.

When I finally decided to leave it was… well, the worst possible time, for me, him, the kids. Bloody Covid broke, he lost his job and then his mother, our kids were struggling with mental health issues, we were stuck working from home. I realized that this was the worst time to go, but I could not stay any longer. My blood pressure was sky rocketing, I had heart palpitations and dizzy spells, anxiety was eating away my insides and I was sure that I will either die or loose my mind… so I did it.

We lived together for four more months before he moved out. I slept on the floor, cooked and cleaned, and all and we were mostly ok to each other. The worst time was a week or so before he left, him moving out and couple of weeks after. The guilt was eating me alive. I did not feel guilty about leaving him, I felt guilty about leaving him at that point, which was clearly the worst moment of his life.

I started feeling better few weeks after he moved out, the less I saw him (our kids are grown up, only one of three is a minor so no need to be in touch except working on separation agreement). Six months later, I already feel like a brand new person. So calm, so content, so happy to be alive. I cannot wait to go to bed at night, bundle up in my cozy sheets, to wake up in the morning and have coffee in peace, plan my day. I do what I want, when I want it, nobody there to criticize and belittle me and tell me what to do or not to. Cook and clean and do whatever I want for my kids without him sulking and making comments about it. Coming home is the most wonderful affair now, my quiet, cozy home, where my kids live, my dog, where I am at peace and happy. While there are some bad days, some mornings when I wake up feeling anxious and sad, all in all I feel much better. Life is beautiful again, it really is. Every little bit of it. The most common of days, when I do nothing at all, knit, watch Netflix, meditate, is the most glorious indeed.

I am sorry, people here know that my posts are essays , always too long, but I hope this helps. We all deserve to be happy, that is all.

Thank you @freeatlast2021 for your thoughtful and comforting post. I get being a man here won’t be comfortable for some/many and I will try to be unobtrusive. Or leave if anyone asked me to. There aren’t many mens forums that I’m aware of TBH and I haven’t told my friends yet (DW assumes I will trash her to them) and we haven’t told mutual friends and today I just felt I HAD to tell someone.

@Notsuchaniceguy Do not worry at all. This is a safe place and everyone is invited. We are here to help each other, so keep posting and all the best to you.

I'm still here and cheering everyone on in the background to do what they need to do to be happy 🙌

@Notsuchaniceguy We decided to separate in sept 2019, separate rooms and ExH moved out in July 2021. No abuse, I'm financially stable etc but just different paths emerging. I'm 48 and he is 61 and I think the age difference started to take its toll. I feel a little guilty as it was primarily my choice but equally it wasn't working between us so why should I shoulder the guilt?

We are still friends, he came over for Xmas to be with the DC and we'll help each other out and socialise with friends together.

It is harder as a single parent who works FT with 2 DC, 2 cats a dog and 2 Guinea pigs and sometimes I think I could have had a less stressful life just carrying on together. But ultimately I wasn't happy and whilst I've no plans at all to meet anyone else it's nice to just be and to breathe for now.

Wishing everyone on this journey the strength to do what you need to do to live your life ❤️

We decided to separate in sept 2019, separate rooms and ExH moved out in July 2021. No abuse, I'm financially stable etc but just different paths emerging. I'm 48 and he is 61 and I think the age difference started to take its toll. I feel a little guilty as it was primarily my choice but equally it wasn't working between us so why should I shoulder the guilt?
@SummerSazz I’m working on the guilt and it isn’t working, and hasn’t been for so long, between us either but DW, although not loving me, has said she’s willing to settle for ‘comfort’ because, in her words, she’s old and set in her ways. This makes me very sad and is not helping my guilt. She has just turned 56.

I guess I’m gambling that I’m not old, I don’t want to settle at 55. But I’m not sure I have the moral right to do what I want over someone else’s happiness. That said I am doing it anyway. We’ve just spent the evening separating Christmas decorations as we think the house will be sold and we managed a hug at the end of it. Didn’t even stick a bitchy comment to each other mid hug - which is a positive I guess.

Keep moving forward everyone. One day at a time.

@Notsuchaniceguy you said I know she finds me irritating and dull and is happier talking to others on her phone or in person

This doesn't sound like she is happy so you aren't destroying a happy comfortable life. It's familiar, yes, and maybe in some ways easier (separation is a huge hassle) but ultimately she may thank you for calling time. You can still be friends, download about work etc. In my mind it's not about complete shutters down and ignore each other. Maybe I'm naive and I get that things may well change if one of us meets someone else but for now we're friends, still chat (although I find him a tad irritating 🤣) and are just decent people on different paths. That's ok for me now and I try not to construct too many what ifs for the future.

HNY ladies, thanks for creating the new thread, l wouldn't have the first clue, struggling to even respond to some of you ladies inspirational responses. Christmas was pretty uncomfortable here too. So upsetting, all eating in our separate rooms because the toad had the whole of downstairs. The longer he stays, the more l dislike the very air he breaths. Not feeling very mature right now so keeping my post short but thank you all for your updates xx

@freeatlast2021 Coming home is the most wonderful affair now, my quiet, cozy home, where my kids live, my dog, where I am at peace and happy. While there are some bad days, some mornings when I wake up feeling anxious and sad, all in all I feel much better. Life is beautiful again, it really is. Every little bit of it. The most common of days, when I do nothing at all, knit, watch Netflix, meditate, is the most glorious indeed.
This is so beautiful to read, well done you, gives us all a little hope, thank you so much for sharing this uplifting post

Thanks for setting up the new thread and for all the continued support for each other. It really is such a comfort to know there are people out there who understand.

Things haven’t moved on here really. We had “the chat” (again!) but it’s weird - as soon as I’ve said the words and got it out in the open I feel so upset and feel like I’ve changed my mind. He even asked if I wanted him to leave, and I said no! For about a day I felt like I didn’t want to separate, and now he has gone back to behaving as though nothing has happened again (wanting to hug all the time, touching my bum when he walks past etc) and now I’m back to pulling away when he does and back to feeling like I did before - like he’s just a friend. I really don’t understand it, and I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. Maybe in that moment of reality there’s guilt, grief at what could have been if my feelings hadn’t changed etc, which makes me stop myself from really seeing it through. Or maybe deep down I want to stay together. But if that’s the case then why am I back to feeling like this again so quickly?

Has anyone else experienced this? Xx