Separation stories: chapter 2

[lemonmeringue85]

@freeatlast2021 I finally did it, start a new thread that is.. not the other thing which I really should now start taking seriously. I absolutely do not want to be next Christmas, where I was this Christmas.
Thankyou for your post, never apologise for the lengthy ones!!

I have no idea how to post the link to this one on the old edition but will try... so, if you're seeing this then I didn't do a bad job!

Welcome to round 2

Thank you for this thread. Coming to it late & I’ve just read it through. I am feeling v stuck & weak. I thought I had made a firm decision to separate from my husband who has becoming increasingly moody, difficult, controlling, angry, selfish…but when I told him instead of being angry, he was upset & promised to change & a lot has changed since (it’s been just over a week). He is doing things I’ve asked him to do for years, not walking away from conversations etc. But he also has been quite angry with me & very critical & making threats about what would happen if I did go through with divorce. A friend was very convincing about the idea of couples counselling (which he’s mostly refused before) so then I impulsively suggested it to my husband, thinking if we were trying to fix things we needed some help. He said yes, I found a counsellor (of course it was my job to research & find someone) & now we are booked to go & I am kicking myself because I don’t think I want to fix things & if we didn’t have a child I wouldn’t be trying. I’m also worried that the counsellor will not see his manipulation etc & I will feel worse than before.

Hi @wishihadcake how are you doing? Have you been to any joint counselling yet? I recognise what you say about not wanting to fix things. His threats about what would happen if you divorce sound alarmingly like a reason to do just that.

Thanks @TooFewSpoons. We have started counselling but i'm still very unsure about everything. I wonder if going to counselling will clarify for both of us that we don't want to keep trying. But at the moment he seems to be pretty sure we do.
How about you? Have you made the leap?

Well, now I officially have STBEX because I have told him that I want to divorce. Nothing major had happened to trigger me telling him now rather than at any point in the last three years. It was just a straw that broke the camel's back moment and I found my courage. Now we begin the process of divorce and I've no idea whatsoever how he's going to be (amicable or not). I can't afford court fees so I'm crossing my fingers we can sort it out with just mediation.
I can now more clearly see a time coming where I will have the fresh start I need. It's sad though, we were great for years, until we weren't any more.

@TooFewSpoons good luck lovely. I get that feeling of loss and sadness that a relationship that used to work no longer does. But now you have the chance for a new start and to put yourself first.

But at the moment he seems to be pretty sure we do.

@wishihadcake you know it’s not his decision? If you don’t want to try again there’s no reason why you should, it’s just yet more control and manipulation.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas

Good luck @TooFewSpoons. So impressed you found your courage.
I feel quite stupid because I found mine but have now been talked into rethinking.
I hope you get the fresh start you want as soon as possible and I hope it is not too bumpy along the way.

Yes I do see that. What is complicating it for me is first of all that we have a child so I feel I should try everything to make it work. (Although to be fair I have been trying for a very long time.) But also, he seems genuinely open to making changes & has been behaving differently for a month now, & being more present & kind & open etc. So I do wonder if that means it might be possible to repair things. It's just that the thought of it doesn't fill me with joy. But I don't know if that's enough of a reason to break up a marriage.

It’s not been working for a very long time, presumably he’s known this and only now changes his behaviour when there’s the real possibility you’ll leave? Yes I think you do need to really try before ending a marriage with kids, but sacrificing your happiness is a step too far. You’ve described him as critical, angry and controlling - you’ll not find happiness with a man of that nature.

You don’t want to try again, the thought doesn’t fill you with joy - what does it fill you with? It sounds like you’re done, and that’s ok. Even with kids.

thank you @Jellycatspyjamas. I think you are probably right.

Nobody just decides over night that they want to break their marriage. There is usually days, months, years of unresolved issues that have piled up. If you live with a person that does whatever he wants, gets offended when you bring things up and gives you silent treatment afterwords and this goes on and on without issues ever being properly addressed, there is nothing you can do anymore. What they want from us is to "suck it up" "to preserve the marriage" which is of course unfair and ridiculous.

When I told my ex that I do not want to be with him anymore the first thing he said was "don't you think you are giving up too easily?". I looked at him and said "but we have been together for 25 years!!!". 25 years of "sucking it up" is most definitely a lot to me.

I’ve been following this thread a while. I love the posts where people have followed up and have a positive post of where their life is after separation. I’m a bit stuck. I’ve been with my partner nearly 20’years. He’s been abusive in the past as in controlling but never physically. I’ve realised now after a lot of years and two kids we r literally chalk and cheese. I have a lot of good family and friends around me and he doesn’t. We have a lot of debt which he accrued without my knowledge but half is in my name. I can’t just leave as my pay compared to his is shit. Also I’m aware of a lot of debt is in my name. I literally don’t know what to do. Not long ago when he told me about the latest Mount up of debt I said I didn’t see a future for us but he’s acting now like everything is ok. I am happy to live in the same home and co parent whilst wr both save for our separate futures whilst co parenting. Does anyone have experience of this xxx

@Cheesecake1989 are you married? That affects your rights a lot.

Hi ladies,

I've been awol for a while. Mainly because I feel like, after starting the original thread almost 2 years ago, I should be posting with a story of fresh starts and courage and a story of how I've broken free from my marriage and am so much happier. But I'm not, and I almost feel ashamed I'm still in this situation so have been hovering in the background, reading all your relatable posts and thinking I'd know what I'd do in the same situation.. but I'm not doing it.
I'm getting better at standing up for myself, and speaking my mind but I cannot bring myself to tell him I want to separate. Well, I told him yesterday over a text after I lost my shit over a situation with the kids and told him we need to talk this weekend. We're child free, have the perfect opportunity and are sat here watching telly in silence.

What on earth is it going to take for me to just say I've had enough?

@Stayingstrongish no not married x

Oh @lemonmeringue85 I feel you! I told him and now have been persuaded to try again. It is really hard. I hope you find the courage. I hope I do too. But it is not easy.

@lemonmeringue85 you say you almost feel ashamed, but you have nothing yo be ashamed of. It's so difficult to do and you will do it when you feel you can.

I wavered for 3 years. Finally, a relatively minor annoying behaviour snapped the last straw and I told him I wasn't happy anymore and intended to divorce. I almost didn't tell him, we were sitting watching TV as usual, but some inner force got the words out. He didn't agree with my decision but didn't say anything about loving me or wanting to work it out. He just wanted to stay together because it's easier for him than being divorced.

Within 48 hours we'd submitted a joint application for divorce. Three years of wavering, and then all of a sudden It's happening.

I should add: only the divorce application was so quickly done. We're going much more slowly on the finances and child arrangements, as we know it'll be about 9 months+ to divorce with current court delays anyway, even amicably.

By Christmas, I might be out. Until then, we're living together 😬

@lemonmeringue85 it is so good to hear from you. I was so worried that something might have happened to you. First of all, thank you for starting this thread as it did help many of us to find the courage to do it. Even now I keep coming back as I know I will find some kindred spirits here and it is my safe place to be.

As for where you are now and how you feel, please do not feel ashamed. Nothing to be ashamed of. I totally understand and feel for you. Doing this was absolutely one of the hardest things I had to do in my life, and I have gone through some very tough times, so do not be so hard on yourself. You did the most difficult part, you made the decision and now all you need to do is execute it. It will happen, trust me, one day you will just say it and once you do, the things will just start to flow. I only suggest that your arm yourself with health, knowledge, strength. I literally did everything I though would help, even if I have never done it before, yoga, meditation, religion, walking, meeting friends, reading, counseling, meeting with solicitor, planning and organizing, putting things together. When you do it, and I know you will do it and probably soon, you will need to know what to do and where to go, and most importantly you will need to be strong and healthy and calm because it will get worse before it gets better, but just for a little while.

Please do keep posting, it most definitely helps. Hugs.💕

Hello everyone! I think it's the first time of me posting here but already living separately from STBX.
First of all before I forget I want to recommend this relationships coach who I discovered recently, I already knew most things she talks about from studying from many various sources non-stop, but it's like she's grasped the essence of most of the things I had accumulated and put them in one place, in her podcast Jillian on Love, the name of the coach is Jillian Turecki.

I was just listening to one of her podcasts today, about how the "shoulds" in our thinking create this enormous amount of self-created stress, like at this stage of life I "should" be doing or done with this or that and I haven't even started etc, and when catching up on this thread and reading your post @lemonmeringue85 it sounded like you were self-tormenting with those "shoulds"
Psychologists also say that normal human direction is from more discomfort to less discomfort, a typical example is a deadline, people who have things long before the deadline are usually people who feel greater discomfort from things hanging over their heads, people who leave everything up to the deadline are people who have greater discomfort from dealing with a task at hand...basically for you @lemonmeringue85 when the discomfort of living like you do would overwhelm the discomfort of other options you will go, and it's absolutely normal.
The only thing I'd add - you don't see these many many women freshly out of relationships and striking out on their own, women who never set up a direct debit or dealt with an electrician or rented or bought a place by themselves, you don't see them helpless and homeless on the streets in droves, wailing that they are lost and confused and don't know how to change a lightbulb. 😆

I once read some statistics that the majority of people driving to work use more skill while getting to work (while driving) than at their actual work. Societal set up still encourages this learned helplessness in women, but once you do set up and organise your own life first your self-esteem really grows, second you are most likely to be amazed how actually easy most things you are scared you might be incapable of doing are, if you are a driver you've already learned something far far more difficult than setting up a direct debit or going on a comparison website and finding a broadband quote, then clicking proceed.

And even if you don't know about something, you discover that the world is full of kind people from passers-by to neighbours to Mumsnet :) who are ready to help you and also nearly every single problem can be solved by chucking some money at it. If you look around you can surely think some pretty inept and not very intelligent people successfully managing to survive by themselves, and if you can think of such examples it should encourage you to realise, that if they can manage, so can you :)

Also now that I'm living by myself (with kids 50/50 but hopefully they would be at least 60% with me eventually it's just a long story) I am looking back in bewilderment that I was "fighting for the marriage" for nearly two decades, while so desperately unhappy so much of the time. Literally WHY the sacred cow of marriage trumps the life of one or two individuals? Marriage as a notion or an institution is not more valuable than an individual human life, which I was totally sacrificing, living this tiny suffocating life to keep the marriage.

As for the kids who also of course were major consideration, there is a lot of research nowadays pointing towards the kids suffering more if they have to witness or share the atmosphere of the household with parents depressed and trapped in their marriages, however the adults try to conceal it and present a happy or neutral facade. For your children it's not a good model of a family or life lived true to your heart by any means. But obviously it's all even worse if children have to witness any kind of abuse.
The kids might still express their wishes like I wish you were still together once you split up, but far more often if they say so it's because again they are still either broadcasting the feelings of one of the parents or the parent who initiated the break up still feels guilt and shame or that they somehow failed or didn't live up to their role as a parent by not also staying a husband or wife, so the child would still express regrets following their cues, not their own.

What each child wants the most is for the parents to be happy, and what is also the most beneficial for any child is to grow up with happy parents. Also miserably staying together puts a burden of this debt for the child when they grow up and realise one or both of their parents literally sacrificed their life for them, which places this implicit expectation that at some point said child would need to sacrifice their own life choices for Mum and/or Dad, and do we want it for our kids?

Anyway, my quick update is that my house purchase didn't work out (in time), so I found a rental(with great difficulty) but I made it so nice and lovely and the freedom to take all my own decisions about everything and having the place to myself and myself and the kids is absolute bliss.

STBX is acting very badly a lot of the time (for instance hiding the kids passports preventing me from going on a holiday abroad) which helps me not to miss him and just be relieved I'm out of his madness, but in spite of that I still sometimes (esp when he is suddenly doesn't present as vindictive and power-playing) get pangs of sadness that it was impossible to make "us" work. The sadness is very weak compared to nearly excruciating pain it was about 18 months ago. It so happened that I have to pass my old house nearly every day on way to town or schools - something that I was desperate to avoid but literally the only available to me rental in the end was on the same road but further out of town - and the evidence of my progress is that I can walk past without feeling in any way emotional!
A year ago it seemed unthinkable. The feelings take a while to process, I try to practise self-awareness and do practical things like engage in therapy, do meditations and journaling to help myself process all the feelings connected to the separation, it helps me to move on quicker. I still dream about STBX a lot and I would rather not, but I know it's normal, that how our mind deals with all pressing issues and I just accept that these dreams would continue for a number of years...

@hereyougoagain thanks so much for your words - has really built up my confidence that I can do this!

just moved house with two young kids needing everything NOW, and piles of boxes towering over me…

@Stayingstrongish I'm so glad it helped, I was hoping it might be useful if anyone is reading even if they aren't contributing to the thread.
When I lived surrounded by boxes to start with at the time it felt like it was going on forever, especially all the cleaning that I had to do, however now I've been here 2.5 months and I barely remember living out of boxes and sacks!

My kids are probably older (8 and 12), if mine were young I'd cut myself a lot of slack, would zone out the mess and take little steps so that not to get overwhelmed (though it depends - you might get more overwhelmed by the mess than by having to tackle it)

I know I said most problems can be solved by chucking some money at them, and many reading might say but money is what I don't have or have uncertainty over...well what I've learnt for myself most is that all decisions taken out of fear are not decisions which are going to make my life better. Also all this mentality of denying yourself to save for a rainy day only ensures you do get a rainy day, you can't have all that effort wasted!

I mean I have total uncertainty over how money is going to come in the future, currently due to situation with childcare I can't get any regular job and need to think of creating some kind of self-employment from home eventually.

I'm just spending the equity from my family home share, that's what I live on. But I do have enough for today and the near future, and worrying about tomorrow which hasn't happened yet is something which only drains my energy today (even if just very secretly in the background) and doesn't help in any way, but definitely prevents me from spotting opportunities or creating my life, because it veers me into survival other than creating territory...

I live by Henry Ford's famous quote which is Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right.
Practice makes perfect and Be the change you want to see are good ones as well :)