Separation stories: chapter 2

[lemonmeringue85]

@freeatlast2021 I finally did it, start a new thread that is.. not the other thing which I really should now start taking seriously. I absolutely do not want to be next Christmas, where I was this Christmas.
Thankyou for your post, never apologise for the lengthy ones!!

I have no idea how to post the link to this one on the old edition but will try... so, if you're seeing this then I didn't do a bad job!

Welcome to round 2

We haven’t spoken about it since the weekend. It was his birthday on Tuesday and his parents came round. We smiled our way through it all. That morning he leaned in for his usual peck on the lips before going to work - the kids were right there, he’d just opened his presents. I pecked him back. To not would be weird for the kids.

I feel like he might be biding his time and hoping this will blow over. I told him I would give him this week to process it…I’m not going to pack his bag and throw him out. I plan to speak to him this evening to reaffirm my feelings and make sure he understands that this IS happening.

Seems to be a lot of parallels with my own situation. Lots of times I've let things go on and want to make her happy so I take the hit and make myself unhappy in the process.
Stuck in the position between choosing to try and make myself happy (in the long run) but causing the other person so much pain in the short term.

I’m still here and have moved on slightly in that we’re now being more open about the fact that we’ve separated, have told our girls (who were absolutely fine and not at all surprised!) but we’re still in the same house. We are in a town house though so are on separate floors - just passing in the kitchen every now and then but we’re getting on ok so that’s fine. I completely understand the posts about feeling responsible and having the guilt. That was what stopped me moving forward for so long, and I do still feel that but not nearly as much as I did.

a friend of mine said two things so me that really struck a cord so hopefully this will help others too.

The first was to point out that although my decision would cause upset to others, that upset would be temporary. However it feels at the time, it will end and everyone will move on. If I didn’t do something, the upset I was causing myself by staying wouldn’t go away. So temporary pain for others versus permanent pain for me. That really helped me to look at it in a different way.

the other thing he pointed out was how much I was hurting myself by staying in the same situation and blaming myself. He said “if someone else was making you feel as shit as you’re making yourself feel, would you even want to have anything to do with them?” Such a good point. We need to be much kinder to ourselves, and that means putting ourselves first.

Remind yourself why you’re doing this. Do you want to look back this time next year and be in exactly the same position? Believe in yourself and your choices. Everyone really will be fine in the end 😊

@HoneyDaze what you have said really has struck a chord.. I definitely needed that today.
We're still living in the same house, and he's continuing to pretend like everything's fine. It's mentally draining as he knows deep down it isn't but he will not move forward and accept that it's not working anymore. I feel trapped by it. How old are your girls? I'm so pleased you seem to have found a state of peace and acceptance between you both, I'm sure it feels like the weight of the world is off your shoulders.

@movingon2022 as always, thankyou for your amazing words which always bring me back down off the ceiling and allow me to rationalise again! You really are keeping me, and I suspect many others, going!

@Lovelybunchofwhatnots I really resonate with what you're saying about being a people pleaser and taking all the responsibility for it. Hope it goes well with the chat later, do let us know

Xx

@lemonmeringue85 I’m so pleased it helped. Honestly, as hard as it is, if you can manage to reframe it in your mind it really does help.
The girls are 17 and 19. I dreaded telling them as had no idea how they would take it but they were so mature and just want us to be happy. We have decided to try to stay in the house together until the youngest has finished her A Levels to minimise the disruption for her so will be looking at moving after exams so next summer.

I know I’m very lucky that the girls understood and have taken it so well, and that ex and I get on well enough to be in the house together, although to be honest we rarely see each other. It has taken over two years to get to this point though - me going backwards and forwards on what to do, how to do it, feeling trapped, feeling guilt, and the ex carrying on as though everything was normal whenever we had the conversation. He’s finally got his head around it though. I’m not sure how he’ll be when the time comes for us to stop living together though. I’m secretly hoping he’ll start dating by then to help him move on!!

@lemonmeringue85 @HoneyDaze @Lovelybunchofwhatnots @Toomanysleepycats @findthecourage For me mornings are the hardest. I guess its when you are the most vulnerable so the anxiety creeps in. I do all I can to help my self get through these feelings, through these mornings, these days. I meditate, I try positive affirmations, I think of my kids, my mom, nature, anything that fills my heart with joy and happiness and hope. This morning was the same, woke up feeling weighed down by some invisible ballast. I meditated and after that I sat in the darkness, in silence, thinking of summer, my kids, freshly baked bread and the scent of pine needles in summer heat. I then thought of all of you, my virtual friends, who may be feeling the same, alone and sad, hopeless maybe. I wish we can give each other a hug and say that everything will be ok.

What we are going through is hard, for me it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have been through a lot. I do not think that there is any way around it though. As they say, the only way out is through. We can not avoid pain, all we can do is brace ourselves and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I am sending you lots of love and hope my friends. MN helped me so, so much getting through my separation and I keep coming back for handhold and encouragement. You do the same. Keep posting and stay strong. 💕

Hello dh moved out in august as a break. It has continued. I had enough of jealousy/control issues. Then he would make out I was imagining it. When he left I realised I could breathe. He is mr nice guy but I can’t unsee his behaviour now I am aware of it. Emotional affair also. There has been a lot of change in my life recently. Life isn’t always easy. I am retraining at college too. I have moments when I wonder if I’m crazy not to have taken him back. Which is what he wants. I have told the children now. I feel lonely sometimes. I have friends I have told. They are there if I contact them but seem to leave me to it and are busy with their own lives. One of my children has asd some days are tough. But life is calmer.

@Jewel7 I also feel sad and lonely often, but I never question whether I made a right choice leaving my ex. He and I were simply not compatible. I was always accommodating his wants and needs and over time I felt that both my mental and physical health were suffering. I do not have many friends and only have sister here; it was hard for me to tell them all about my separation, and when I did people took it well and seemed supportive. I am doing really well on my own, juggling full time work, home and three kids (albeit grown up but still living with me). I am not expecting or needing actual help from anyone, but if I had a friend going through divorce, I would make sure they knew I was there for them if they ever needed any help, but I do not feel like I have that kind of support from my friends. My sister often drives me crazy and makes me feel worse when trying to "help", by telling me what I "have to do" or "must not do". All in all, I feel this is a very lonely experience and that is why MN community has been so important for me throughout.

We talked last night and it felt like we were going around in circles at times. He still feels the same about me but is aware of his faults - the ones that has led to us drifting apart. I spoke about mine too. He told me that deep down he knew this was coming.
He wants to make it work but I have made it clear that I don’t see that happening. I don’t want to and I have already moved on in my head and heart.

We talked through our options regarding who leaves, where we live etc. He proposed the idea and I agreed that he could stay living here and we be housemates…….although that is how it’s been for a long time anyway. We plan to sort out separate sleeping arrangements and he has pledged to do his share of housework/parenting/running of things.
I did jokingly add how funny it was that it takes us splitting up for him to do his share.
We plan to tell the children after Halloween.

I can’t say I am truly happy with this arrangement but I have agreed to try it out. I know he probably sees this as a way of hopefully rekindling something. I plan to give it time and hopefully he will come to terms with it and be able to think clearly about the prospect of moving on.

@HoneyDaze I can see it becoming much like the arrangement you have. It’s going to take time to get the balance right and will mean some bedroom changing around…..not easy in a 3 bed with 5 of us. I’m considering all options at the moment; even him going in our daughter’s box room and me and my daughter sharing the main bedroom. She’s 9. It’s that, or one of us has the sofa ????

Still all new and fresh, but I am willing to see how it goes.

Hello my lovelies ! Just an update from me. This thread keeping me sane. Things becoming increasingly difficult here for me. As I mentioned before, I told H last December I wanted to separate. He cited mental health and essentially manipulated me to agreeing to stay. He did not hear me at all. 10 months later and me being less of myself now than I ever was. I'm less of a Mum and so deeply drained by it all. I have had to maintain a distance within the family home to ensure he doesn't get the wrong idea and think I have reigned myself back in.
We were all meant to go to a family wedding. I pulled out 2 weeks before and I was so annoyed I didn't handle it well. I just said I can't be bothered to go. Oh he was quite toxic and really had no idea why I didn't want to go. I'm staggered at his lack of self awareness. Anyway, now I'm feel even more trapped as he's like a pressure cooker. The anger coming off out of every pores. Sorry, just wanted to vent and feel quite low and hopeless about ever getting out of this. Absolutely exhausting. I'm sure I will pick myself up again tomorrow. Just feel like I'm on a hamster wheel at the minute 🙈

Hi guys, how are we all doing?

I'm stuck. Still! It makes me so angry with myself. I made the leap a few weeks ago by going to mums, had a couple of nights there but logistically with the kids needed to be back home so hoped he would take the hint and go somewhere else... he didn't. He's so good at ignoring what's happening and everything going back to normal but it's mentally messing me up. Anxiety ridden over starting the same conversation we've had a thousand times, to be met with silence and then waking up like nothings happened. Wtf is wrong with this man! It's so frustrating. I still come back most days and read the threads like it's a bedtime book 🤦‍♀️ I need to stop thinking about his feelings and how hurt he'll be, and focus on how much I'm hurting staying.
Why is it so hard!

Hope everyone's ok.

Hi all, not sure if you remember me but I was actively posting at the start of the year saying the same kind of things as you guys. I knew that it was over from around October last year tried to have the conversation and he begged me to stay that we can make it work and try etc fast forward to Xmas and he hasn't initiated one conversation regarding our relationship of how I am feeling how's it's going etc and nothing changed.
Went on a family ski holiday in feb and knew that I would do it when we returned.
I told him it was over it was horrendous he was crying saying I've ruined his life and the children's, I felt terrible but still
Knew I couldn't carry on and as much as I was hurting him I was saving my self. Once he calmed down and accepted it, took a couple of weeks was much easier we lived together while I found somewhere to rent as I couldn't afford the house alone, and during this time it was easier in a way as we had no expectations of each other, i did what I liked and so did he, and we were there for the kids eating together etc.
I eventually moved out 3 weeks ago and was full of worry as we had been together for half of my life, 20 years! I'd never lived on my own and was terrified!
It's been the best thing ever I'm not going to lie, I feel so much more at peace now, I'm not scared of the things I thought I'd be I'm so relaxed in my own home and pleasing my self without someone just sitting there and taking day in day out and not giving in return.

I think it is definitely a process deciding to leave and knowing when it's enough I was going mad in my head and seeing a councillor until I knew 100% that it was the right thing. Yes it's destroyed him (initially) yes the kids girls 12 and 15 were devastated and the 15 year old isn't coping that well with the change and moving out, I feel guilty but knew that staying wasn't an option.

Hang on in there and don't be so hard on yourselves when you are being indecisive and not taking action your time will come and you will find inner strength to carry it out and say those words. I would recommend seeing a councillor to help you know your self worth and work through it all. I also read a book 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum this helped me to see the relationship for what it was and that he was never going to change and the respect had gone.

You've got this girls 💪💪 this thread certainly got me through was reading it constantly during the hard times, so thankyou all.

@betterno1 Your post has really helped me today. Thank you.

Spent the day sorting out bedrooms. He helped with it all. We also talked and he told me how hard he was finding it. He wants to make it work but understands that I don’t. I felt bad as I have already moved on in my head.

It is early early days. Everything is still raw. I need to be patient. We are planning to give ourselves a year of living together like this. I’m hoping this will give him the time to get his head around it all. Then we can decide who moves where.

Ahh I'm glad it has helped you. Stay strong and listen to your intuition, mine was so strong but I fought against it for so long and battled with myself, and time has proved that I should have listened to it all along because only now I am feeling more at peace and calm with it all. You are doing amazing, just try not to get wrapped up in the 'could be's what is done is done xx

@lemonmeringue85 don't be angry with yourself, it's quite understandably hard.

Our whole survival system is designed to not make us happy (our primitive brain doesn't care if we are happy), but to create optimal conditions for survival.

Any kind of separation from "the tribe" goes down on a primal level to a projection of being excluded (which equaled dying in the past), so when you are thinking of striking it out on your own your brain screams danger, will not survive without the tribe, and for your partner the separation from you, apart from being painful on various emotional levels also activates the primal I'm being abandoned, so probably will die now (which is completely ridiculous but very difficult to override because it all happens to our "animal", not rational parts).

The only time when separation can become easier than staying is finding another partner to attach to so not striking out on your own (DO NOT RECOMMEND), partner becoming dangerous (hit you) or untrustworthy (cheating) so it tips the balance in an obvious way where the survival mechanisms start ringing the alarm bells to actually push you to leave(though abusive relationships are more difficult to leave for people who recognise in those the familiar patterns of their childhood, but it's not the case with most people in this thread)

Because you DH hasn't been doing anything obviously dangerous for you the brain's default is to keep you where you are. But while you are waiting, you aren't creating (your own life).

However in the future looking back, when you actually do leave, say a few years down the line, then you could become overwhelmed by having "lost" a few years of your (relatively young and productive) life which you could have spent recovering and creating the foundations for a new better life.
It's hard to look back on years spent waiting and not feel you've wasted them, and it is something which usually has to be addressed in the future with therapy otherwise a person can start beating themselves up instead of enjoying and being empowered by their new life.

While you are in limbo because you feel sorry for your partner you usually hold them back from moving on too, they might think now it's the worst thing that ever happened, but five years on they can be grateful to you that you initiated the break-up...you never know

I’ve been struggling with guilt today. Sadness.
I got on with and bonded with his family from the get-go. In laws from heaven and we weren’t even married. His parents have always been so supportive through the years and I see them as mum and dad. His mum has been more of a mother figure for me than my own mum.

His dad wouldn’t speak to me at the weekend. I had to go round to drop the kids for the day. They know this is my decision, that I don’t love their son anymore. I guess they need time to process it. He had told them over the phone the night before for f* sake.

The people pleaser in me is very aware that I am the reason for all this; for making them feel lost and confused. It’s shit.

@betterno1 your post has really helped me too. I have felt so stuck for so long and really beat myself up about how long it's taken me but it really is a process I never thought I'd face. It's the hardest thing, and like @Lovelybunchofwhatnots I also feel like all this is my fault, the immense guilt over the kids etc.
I see so many people on this thread from the first day I started it and so many of you have made amazing progress, found the strength to speak your truth and move on and deal with the consequences and yet I still feel like the worst person in the world. Like somethings wrong with me.
My friends say the relationship I have with him is abusive in a coercive/controlling way. I have never handled the money/finances or paid a bill. He gets the last word on any improvements on the house etc, more recently a house move. For years I've wished to move and because he doesn't, we can't. Yet I have no say in things he wants to change. I'm thinking maybe this could be the reason I'm so reluctant to make the final break. It sounds so pathetic but I have never had to independently pay things, make decisions on bills etc. he just says he'll sort it. Then says 'you'd be up the creek without me, you don't even upgrade your own phone'.
I'm really overthinking today.
@hereyougoagain your recent post makes so much sense of everything I'm feeling, it is almost like I'm scared to break away because the truth is I don't know how to survive on my own.. I've never had to. Let alone with two kids! Thankyou for wording it so well and helping me understand.
As usual I find so much help and comfort from the people on this thread and check almost every day for updates from you all.

@Lovelybunchofwhatnots I hope you're ok. The rollercoaster of emotions is really relentless isn't it. You've come so so far, and each day you will be closer and closer to happiness. You are stronger than you realise.

@lemonmeringue85 its good to hear from you. What you are experiencing is completely normal. Its because you are nice and kind and generous that you stayed with this man for so long and now that you decided enough is enough this kindness is kicking in again and you feel guilty. You should not fight that feeling, as they say in meditation, "sit with it", accept it, just sit with it and breathe, acknowledge it and let it wash over you. It will actually pass faster then you think and you will feel better again.

What you are saying about your husband was happening to me too. He always had "the last word" in everything. It felt like I had no say in any decisions that were being made, like my life was not mine at all. He too told me when we talked about separation "you know it will be harder for you then me". I did not want to ask him to explain, but I honestly think he meant I was not capable of handling life alone, things, chores, money, kids... The thing is, I am, I am so capable. Not one single thing went wrong since he left. I am paying my bills, cooking, cleaning, getting along with kids beautifully. My life is not in any way worse, but it is in many ways better then before. The only thing that has changed is that we do not have as much money to spend as we used to but, we do just fine and you will too. Trust yourself. You can do it! You ARE capable.💕

It’s been 3 weeks since I had the final chat with my partner, but it seems much much longer. So much has changed in that time, in a positive way.

We are good friends, we care about each other and always will. I know we can work together and support each other through this and eventually have our own lives. His family seem to have taken it badly though. Maybe they are in shock still. There has been mention of him kicking me out, have I been cheating? Why doesn’t he ask me to marry him and fix it all. They seem panicked and want to fix it - or they want my head on plate.
It makes me sad to think that I’ve been their daughter in law for a quarter of a century, we have always been very close and they are reacting this way. They only care about what I can do for their son, not actually about me as a person. Makes me quite angry when I think on it too much.
My ex fears he will end up falling out with his own family over it. He knows they are being unreasonable.
I’m hoping they just need time.
Breathe!

I must add, I know they are going into protective mode, but still.
I haven’t seen someone else. I haven’t screamed at him. I haven’t demanded he leave. I haven’t badmouthed him to our children. All I have done is tearfully explained that my feelings have changed. They know this is the reason.

He reminded me that I can’t control how others feel about it, so I shouldn’t let it stress me. I am remembering that.

How we doing guys?

Thanks for sharing @Lovelybunchofwhatnots and it's lovely to hear that, during what is such a stressful time, you are both managing to remain supportive of each other and acknowledge feelings. It really helps hearing experiences like this and I'm so grateful for the ones shared on here.
We've had several more conversations recently that are getting much more open and honest and I think he's processing it more.

How is everyone else xx

Hi, I want to come back to this thread. I was on thread 1 in 2021 as a different username (wobbling) and like @lemonmeringue85 and some others I'm still in my marriage.

However, I'm now more confident, prepared and brave. I have a deadline in my head by when I will have told him we are going to split up (the delay is logistical house renovation stuff, need to finish that first, 1 month to go).

I'm ready. I'm planning, and I'm clear in my head that I cannot spend another 40 years in a marriage that I resent, even if he is my best friend. I just really hope DC can take it, they had an ASD diagnosis not long ago.

I think it's going to be me that moves out. Because I want a fresh start. I don't know how because I only just realised that him buying me out would come after the divorce (I think) but I'll do it somehow.

If anyone is still around from earlier in these threads I want to say how grateful I am to you for sharing your stories, including those yet to make the leap. It's really helped me to think things through.

That had to have been incredibly difficult. So glad things are better for you now ⚘️

Hello @TooFewSpoons I am still here, but also changed my name from @freeatlast2021. I got into a habit of changing it every year. 😊I am still around and i am glad to hear that things are changing for you for the better. I wonder what is @lemonmeringue85 doing and so many others that were on the thread at one point. Take care and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Things will get better.❤