Separation stories: chapter 2

[lemonmeringue85]

@freeatlast2021 I finally did it, start a new thread that is.. not the other thing which I really should now start taking seriously. I absolutely do not want to be next Christmas, where I was this Christmas.
Thankyou for your post, never apologise for the lengthy ones!!

I have no idea how to post the link to this one on the old edition but will try... so, if you're seeing this then I didn't do a bad job!

Welcome to round 2

Well done @betterno1 its a start!

An update from me, well it’s generally good tho ex is still playing games rather than getting on with life. She actually applied for a non-mol against me, presumably because of the time I went round hers upset months ago. I was delivered notice of the court hearing on the Friday before the court date on the Monday which was shit as I was too late to get the link for the video call so wasn’t able to attend. Anyway, nothings happened and so I guess it wasn’t awarded (surely If it was I’d get some kind of official notification??). Anyway, by then I hadn’t seen her for about six weeks and haven’t been near her house, and still haven’t because I really don’t need to - tho I’d like my bbq back!!

life with the kids is great, had the boys every night for the past fortnight cos she was first I’ll and now has a week of shows with the am-dram she does with the girls. So proud seeing them singing solo on stage in front of 100s of people. The timings and kid logistics have been complicated so ex has had to lean on me a lot, which is great cos I get to be with the kids loads :) It also means that they’ve been here loads which is great for making my place feel like a home to them.

so things are ok co-parenting for now, we even swapped cars for a day and she got some smart clothes for the kids (I paid half) for a funeral we went to.

She's still trying to tell me what to do sometimes. Three of them were here last night and she wanted to take them to school this morning. Fine, but then at 8:50 I get a load of hassle cos my daughters hair was still wet and the youngest had socks that were a bit to big for him on! Told her they were fed, washed with clean clothes and that she can’t tell me how to parent, but to be honest, these little things don’t bother me much anymore.

Interesting how she’s trying to continue the parenting dynamic tho. She clearly thinks she’s the most important parent saying stuff like ‘I'm telling you now that as there mother, it's unacceptable.’. At least the kids know we’re equal! I know I’m not shit and the kids are fine.

Well, the younger three are, my eldest (nearly 12 now) still struggles a bit. She’s been most affected and is closest to her mum. I’m still giving her some slack with the attitude as it’ll take a while. She’s still happy to come over here so can’t be that bad!!

All in all going well. Still terrified of her trying to move an hour away to be with her family. At the moment I’m properly in their lives but if that happens I won’t be. My eldest mentioned it the other day so I’m guessing ex has been planting the seeds. I’ve avoided legal avenues so far, but am tempted to try and get a preventative order to stop her moving the kids away as I don’t trust her to give a shit about what that would do to make me and the kids relationship. On the other hand I don’t want to prod the wasps nest while things are going ok.

Hope you’re all doing well!

Hi everyone, hope you’re all doing ok. Things are getting very real here, after deciding we would live together for the time being, x has found himself somewhere else to rent and is moving out in the next few weeks. I think I predicted somewhere on here that when it finally happens and we separate, he will actually move on quite quickly- seems that I was right!! It’s the best thing though and I am pleased. But now just looking ahead to the next hurdle- telling people. We’ve told my oldest son, he was upset initially but is absolutely fine now and offering support. I’m dreading telling the other 2, and also dreading telling my mum. I just can’t help but feel she is going to judge, tell me I’m making a mistake etc etc. Just want it to all be done and move on!!

Hows everyone else doing? X

Aww that sounds positive @Yellowswan . I’m glad your eldest is ok too. I know what you mean about dreading telling people though. We still haven’t told the girls (we’ve been waiting until exams are over, which will be in a few weeks). I have no idea how they will take it. Haven’t told parents yet either. I’m dreading that!

We’re still living together, which is mostly ok but I feel like I’m getting increasingly irritated by everything he does. Even when he’s not doing anything particularly wrong! So I’m not sure where to go from here. I feel like we have no plan! Neither of us want to leave the girls, and we don’t want the disruption of a house move for them just now. Thought about nesting but it seems to make more sense if the children are younger. We have one off to Uni in September and the other one in sixth form, so we’d pretty much be swapping in and out of an empty house! But I want them to still have their home to come back to when they’re at Uni. So because we don’t know the best thing to do we’re basically not doing anything, which isn’t good for anyone!

if anyone has any ideas they’d be very welcome!

Thanks @HoneyDaze

I’m on a bit of a roll and since my last post I’ve told my 15 year old! He actually said that he knew it was coming, he was upset though, but not devastatingly so. I also have an 8 year old, not sure how to tackle that one yet as he’ll have less understanding.

I know what you mean about finding the right time and if yours have exams it’s absolutely right that they get through that first. My oldest is at uni too (just finished his first year) and I completely get what you mean about wanting them to have somewhere to come back to, it’s really important.
The nesting theory could work for you, if neither of you are wanting to leave. You still have your youngest at home. Telling my son today, I would say his biggest concern was ‘what is going to change?’ Being able to reassure him that he will stay in his home and see me and his dad all the time really helped.

Things are fairly settled down now but still got a way to go with this separation story!

People are so strange, myself included. Those of you that still haven’t made the jump - once you do it’ll honestly be like the blinkers have been lifted. I knew that my marriage was wrong and it was making me ill, but now not even a year later looking back on some of the things that happened and the way we were is crazy. It’s like returning to the real world. How did it get like that? Lots of reasons I think and it was probably as much me as her but it did. No regrets leaving.
I still get flashbacks and reminders when I need to deal with the ex tho, she’ll never change. I’ve just figured it out now and work around it the best I can without it getting to me. Blows my mind sometimes tho the stuff she does and comes out with (though I bet she says exactly the same about me haha)

Anyway, still need to agree finances and child arrangements but in a bit of a holding pattern for now as we are in the 20(?) week cool off period. Non-mol was thrown out of court in about 10 mins which shocked her a bit I think. Can’t see her having ever considered that outcome in court, she’s always absolutely right about everything! Hopefully it’ll push her towards mediation. We’re still talking and sorting stuff for kids together so there’s hope.

Lots of stress still to come, but the fundamentals are good so the rest will sort itself out; me and the kids are happy when we’re together and fuck all else is really that important!

Following this thread as I think I might find it helpful to refer back to in the coming weeks! (Just left my husband)

@Another2022 I have to agree with you about the blinkers being lifted. I now look back and think how I could with that and think I had any quality of life? And the first six+ months after we separated even our life together had been outright awful, I still was shocked to find myself overcome with grief and sadness so many times, had numerous dreams that we were getting back together, but eventually even those dreams started having a different ending where we'd make up and I get really anxious and start feeling but it's all wrong, I don't want to be with him! So my subconscious slowly caught up with my conscious mind :)

Now I just feel happier and healthier even though he behaves evilly towards me, blames me for everything and tells me he wished I got run over by a bus or died of a heart attack. (he has mental health issues though so...it doesn't hurt me any more, I just shudder I've put up with it for so long!)

Unfortunately I'm still in the same house as STBX 10 months after we separated, he is buying me out, though if the court doesn't approve our DIY online separation/finance settlement (there is financial disparity as in he gets more - but I still get enough to buy a small house mortgage free and will have some cash to get on my feet to start with) then we have to sell the family home and I am already in the process of buying a house for myself with conveyancing etc given the go-ahead.
I hope I can just take my share of the house equity and run and start to re-build my own life(though I'd still have to co-parent for years). Selling and going through a double chain would delay everything massively and the kids really want to keep this house.

I'm not in a hurry to start seeing anyone - I've been non-stop married(twice) my entire life since a teenager, would like to just live by myself and have that freedom.
I do really really miss the sex though, have missed it desperately for years tbh (the situation with sex eventually was dire in my second 17 year long marriage, he would do it once once a month at best, when with my first H we had the same sex drive so it was a shock second time round)

Anyway, not sure I can dive into the world of Tinder...having sex with random people doesn't inspire me(though maybe it's convention? lack of experience? maybe I'd enjoy it if I tried? hypothetically it feels wrong but maybe it's a matter of coming across someone fanciable, that's all)
so a bit lost on what to even wish for! It would not be the case of going from one relationship straight into another even if I did meet anyone nice soon and spontaneously, because de facto I felt married but single for years!

Well it would be nice to have a very gentle getting back into dating by maybe having a friend with benefits? Have no idea how to go about it, just sometimes feel a bit desperate that my best years passed me by with nowhere near enough sex! (though really there were things far worse than that in my marriage, but I still feel slightly sorry for myself over the lack of feeling wanted!). Maybe whoever I end up with eventually will make up for all my forced abstinence with quantity AND quality! lol

Hope everyone here is doing ok. Nowadays I just think it's so awful that this concept of marriage takes priority over the happiness and reality of life of two individuals, and the idea that for the kids it's better if the parents stay together even in an unhappy home is a travesty, all they learn is to not listen to their own hearts when they grow up...

@hereyougoagain It is sad isn’t it, the whole staying together for the kids. I think that’s fine up to a point but when one of the couple realise their life is being ruined by the other, that’s when it’s unsustainable and wrong to keep plugging away at it.

The other side of the coin is that when someone wants to leave a marriage they should be able to without being punished for it.

As for finding someone else, I know how you feel about just wanting to be alone without the responsibility of a partner for a bit. I’m similar, pretty much been in long term relationships since I was 16. Split with ex wife oct last year and was with someone else by feb! It was amazing and, being honest, it was just what I needed at the time. Someone who fancied the pants off me was great after years of my wife ignoring me. Split up with her this week as she wanted to be together forever and I’m not ready for that.

The sex was amazing tho and there was a load of it so I’d say if you’re missing that then go online and get some! You’ve got nothing to lose and I hear it’s like shooting fish in a barrel for women (never tried it myself) who want some meaningless one night stands. Might find that fwb you never know!

Hi all, name change for now.

My husband told me last week that he wants a divorce. We have two young children.

On the one hand I am relieved for myself as I feel like I have totally lost my confidence over the course of the last ten years but I am so bereaved for my children and the sense of "family" as I understand it. I can't eat and have lost nearly a stone in a week. I can't sleep. I am full of adrenaline and seem to have acquired a double ear infection as a bonus prize.

Please someone tell me it gets better.

X

@Gardener4 have you been to see your doctor? If you are not eating or sleeping properly - two of the most fundamental things we need in order to function - then this is going to be colouring everything for you, affecting your perceptions and your judgement of your situation.

Things will start to feel more manageable when you get those two things sorted.

So if you haven’t already done so, I’d suggest you make a doctors appointment, and ask for as much help as you can get. In my case, what helped massively in the first couple of weeks was a short course of zopiclone and diazepam and a supply of propanalol to be taken as needed. Some doctors are reluctant to prescribe these but honestly they helped me SO much in those initial awful couple of weeks, because I simply could not function and they helped me to function.

Antidepressants have also helped me get stable and build resilience over the longer term.

Just saying what’s worked for me, might not necessarily work for others.

In the meantime I would suggest you consider getting some therapy booked for yourself. If you can afford to go private, do so, because NHS services are often, sadly, not adequate and there are long waiting times.

There are other things you can do to help get through the days - brisk walks, cold showers, meditation, journaling, etc. I used to think all those things sounded stupid but they really do help.

Yes, things do get better, once you start eating and sleeping and can keep the adrenaline under control. You will still have choppy waters to navigate, but you can do that once you have the tools.

@secreteatingteen
@scaredsadandstuck
@flipper97
@betterno1

Just wondered if any of you guys have any update you can share? My current situation resonates with your posts from earlier in the year (ie, earlier in this thread), and so I’m keen to hear how your journeys have developed since then 😊

Hello everyone I haven't posted here for a while.

Things have been tough still living together as a family but speedster desperately trying to find a house to rent but it's a tough old world out there. Agents are brutal and have so many restrictions on being eligible to rent it's crazy! But think I've finally found somewhere it's taken 6 months! So be prepared if you are in my situation, as this was something I thought would be instant and not a problem at all!

In terms of the relationship it's ok we are amicable, he barely communicates or is very inconsistent one day will want a full on conversation and the next ignores me but then our marriage was like that tbh! We are both being fair and the kids are being amazing. The odd wobble but so understanding on the whole.

Really can't wait to start my new life and move forward as been doing frustrating making this massive decision then being stuck here due to housing.

I feel so much better in myself the worst part was definitely the 6 months leading up to the decision and the thought of agonising heartbreak that comes with splitting the family and the pressure/guilt we put on ourselves for putting us first. But I have no regrets I know this was right for me, I couldn't continue in a cold, unloving relationship with no communication where I wasn't going to be met half way to solve our problems, I was losing myself.

I still have a way to go to find myself again and can't begin this until I move out and i know this will be a challenge but I'm fully ready to embrace it now and look forward.

My main bit of advice @Pegs11 would be to trust your gut instinct always I fought it for about 5 years and it did me no favours, I feel so much better with out all that hanging over me and having constant self doubt!

Hope you are all doing ok be lovely to hear an update from you xx

Had a name change glitch, this other one was created just for one thread so I've asked to remove the previous post, reposting again with the right name :)

@Another2022 hehee about the sex, I think I'll have to wait till I am in a place of my own till I'd even try to create a profile anywhere...I feel like even navigating no strings attached encounters while sharing a house with a future ex and the kids is too much. He is very angry with me all the time and I just want to get away from this atmosphere, also all my comings and goings are very obvious while I am in the family house, and I want my sex life to be off his radar...
I imagine it's easier once you have time for yourself and a place to live all to yourself - though I wouldn't necessarily want to bring new people straight to my house, I am not really sure how women do it, might be a bit easier for men because there is no much vulnerability in it for them...

@betterno1 I still have a way to go to find myself again and can't begin this until I move out and i know this will be a challenge but I'm fully ready to embrace it now and look forward.
I feel the same in that I can't start living my own new life while I'm in limbo sharing the house...I also looked at renting but it did mean jumping through so many hoops and properties go so fast unless they are horrible or super-expensive, then I discovered that because ex-to-be is buying me out we need to continue to share otherwise he would have to pay capital gains tax (then he can't afford to buy me out), so basically I am stuck here for now. If our financial agreement isn't approved by the judge then it's back to selling the family house, but then I probably need to rent anyway because proceeding with two chains would be too tricky and ex wouldn't agree to rent...

I separated from my husband 8 weeks ago officially, he moved out. We were unofficially separated for a long time before that, stuck in stagnation.

I agonised over ever detail and then the plaster was just ripped off. We should have never married, though functionally as parents we operated pretty well and the kids are wonderful.

Ive been up and down in the last two months. Mostly gutted for the kids and struggling witnessing how unsettling it’s been and moving between two places. They seem to be coping well and it is as amicable as it can get but nonetheless their is an air of unease and unsettledness in the kids. The guilt I feel is real. My job was to give them a safe haven where they could take security amd calm for granted and I’ve removed it from their lives.

i know our break up was inevitable but I am finding the transition hard when I put myself in the shoes of my kids and naturally feel even more when they’re not with me, like tonight. I’m so gutted for them.

But one step in front of the other.

i would love some advice from others further down the line. I think my guilt and sadness for the kids is holding me back in looking forward. I’m still living in the family home, which of course financially is so helpful but it’s a new life in the house, trying to carve it out with all the memories is hard.

the kids are very small so my freedom is limited. I have a strong network of friends mainly on the phone, but they have their own lives.

I am struggling to figure out how I am going to carve out my new life and feel some semblance of who I was before I married.

All that said, it had to happen and grateful that we had the courage to do it, but I have to make the most of it now. Looking forward to getting through this stage somehow. And advice would be so welcome.

Feeling for you @Fourhorses and @Ukrainianheritage , both your situations sound difficult to navigate.

I’m not much further on, but living separately from ex and co-parenting young kids 50/50. I feel for them having to move between two homes but this is the arrangement my ex wanted and put a heck of a lot of pressure on me to accept. It might well be what the courts would say is fair too, so I’ve gone with it. So far they are coping well but it is a lot of change for them and their usual bedtime routine has gone. Next to come is the small business of the divorce, selling the family home, finding a new home and moving out permanently 🙃

Hi everyone, I'm catching up on here after a long while of being awol.

My current situation isn't much different to where I was 18 months ago, I just have a little bit more strength I think. Still with DH, but still very unhappy. I'm so scared of the repercussions if I leave and can't seem to get past this however hard I try. I'm having major issues with both kids and all the appointments and challenges that come with ASD pathways 😩

My main issue with H is that he's still very hard to communicate with, I feel shut down whenever I raise an issue and I feel extremely used in the bedroom area. I suffer with my mental health and I'm getting a bit sick of not being asked how I am, but then having my arse smacked and groped while I'm washing the pots.

I need a huge kick up the bum and some fight from somewhere. It still feels like talking to a brick wall and it's completely mentally draining me, yet I can't bring myself to make the leap which is going to make it so better!

How is everyone?

X

Hi @lemonmeringue85 I'm keeping on keep ion with some good progress. ExH moved out 14 months ago and my house renovations are almost done e. Bloody expensive and stressful but nearly there! Looking forward to lighting my new log bur et (he didn't want to replace the open fire with a log burner). Small stuff but means a lot iyswim.

I've also completed a further professional qualification which I'm really happy about.

Eldest teen (15) still struggling with 2 houses but overall she's good and 14yo handling it all really well.

For me it's one day at a time and one step at a time and things progress.

Relationship with ExH still very good which I'm thankful for every day.

@lemonmeringue85 I hope you can find your small steps and way forward soon 🤞

@lemonmeringue85 can we help you make the leap in any way? What are your main fears? I know it can seem very daunting to change your life completely, but it may bring you much greater peace of mind. It’s not on to have unwanted groping as you go about your everyday life.

I now have my house on the market, so going through nerve wracking time of waiting to see if it sells.

@SummerSazz sounds like you’re doing amazingly, making your house your own. Well done on your qualification too!

@Stayingstrongish Thankyou. I'm waiting for life to quieten down a bit now!

Good luck on your house sale - will it be a heart wrench or are you looking forward to somewhere new? I'd have quite liked somewhere new but the DC wanted to stay in our house and ExH couldn't afford to buy me out. Hence the fresh start renovation!

@SummerSazz a bit of both I think. Quite nervous about it all and hope I can find somewhere nice. The location is unlikely to be as convenient but will be nice to have somewhere completely ‘mine’ for the first time.

@lemonmeringue85

I'm a newcomer to this thread, but it's good to be able to share with people in the same boat.

When I realised I was essentially swapping putting up with sex for a comfortable financial setup and not rocking the boat, and that if I wanted going to put myself first no-one else was going to, that was it for me. That was Easter this year, and we're now at solicitors/buying a new home stage.

It does sound though that you do have very different circumstances with your DC, and I can absolutely see that makes you think twice. Hugs I hope you can find a way forward where you're looking after your needs as well as everyone else x

@SmokeWithoutFire Thankyou for your reply, I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing.. putting up with having to meet his sexual needs to keep everyone happy. Except now I'm off work, mentally exhausted, not parenting how I want to parent and feeling completely overwhelmed.

He's said a few really eye opening phrases to me about it all, which I can't really say as they will probably give me away on here but most people I've mentioned it to have been shocked I can put up with that treatment.

Why can I not just say 'This is over'?? I feel like I'm closer than I have ever been but I still struggle to voice my views or how I feel for fear of upsetting him.

@Stayingstrongish I wish I felt strong enough to leap. I don't know what I'm scared of.. looking like a bad person in my kids eyes I think. I'm a people pleaser and he's a way of turning things around on me. I'm scared of backtracking to keep him happy, not rock the boat, keep my kids from being upset.

@SummerSazz it sounds like you're making amazing progress. Hopefully one day I will be where you are.

Hello @lemonmeringue85 I am glad you decided to post again. You were quiet for a while, and I was worried about you. I know how you feel, exactly and totally understand. I did the same as you for decades, quite literally. One thing that kept me from sitting down and talking to my ex is that I did not know how. What do I say, how, how do I express what I feel and what he is doing to me. I was so confused and no matter how I tried could not put it in words, plus he would always throw me off with some comments and got me all confused and feeling guilty about it all. This is why I wanted us to go to counseling, hoping that they will help me express my feelings, but my ex did not want to go so I decided to go alone. Instead of “teaching me” what to say to my ex how I felt she taught me something completely different. She said to me, and I am sure you heard this from me before or some of the other posters, “you do not have to look for excuses why you want to separate, the fact that you do is enough”. This set me free. Instead of trying to explain how I feel and what he was doing to me, I just came and said what I wanted. Trust me, once you start thinking that way it is very liberating and becomes so much easier. “I am not happy in this marriage, and I want us to separate”, that is all.

Good luck to you all. Keep posting.💕