Separation stories: chapter 2

[lemonmeringue85]

@freeatlast2021 I finally did it, start a new thread that is.. not the other thing which I really should now start taking seriously. I absolutely do not want to be next Christmas, where I was this Christmas.
Thankyou for your post, never apologise for the lengthy ones!!

I have no idea how to post the link to this one on the old edition but will try... so, if you're seeing this then I didn't do a bad job!

Welcome to round 2

Oh @HoneyDaze I feel for you so much. Similar experience when we finally had our chat December 18th. H kept asking to try again, cited MH issues etc. He cried, I didn't, But I did eventually offer to coparent & cohabit. I don't even know why I did that as I don't want to !!! Financially am a bit stuck so that might have played a part in it. But I do get where you are coming from; same as your H, he thinks all is ok again. I have had to withdraw again and although civil & polite, am quite grey rock. I did insist in separate bedrooms; not going down well at all. Atmosphere Not what I want for my DS but do feel so worn down by H, it's all I can do at the moment. Where are the real men of this world who would either fight, seriously fight, as in change their behaviour significantly or respect us enough to leave. I have neither; complete man child walking around the house playing the victim. Making me look at him as a pathetic loser. How mean is that ?! Keep posting, we will muddle through it and get where we need to be, I really believe we will. I've started that book too good to leave to bad to stay and am taking my time with every chapter. I find it balances me and my thoughts when I'm spiralling. Have you read it @HoneyDaze ?? Worth a try maybe ? Lots of love and virtual hand hold alongside a cup of coffee or Prosecco ! Xxx

@findthecourage I'm exactly the same as you had the chat end of October and was convinced by husband to try again, we can make it work etc, however he is doing nothing not brought it up once since and carrying on as of it hasn't happened, tries to cuddle me in bed but I don't reciprocate it. I feel he has no respect for me whatsoever especially as one of the main reasons I have given is that he doesn't communicate, do I see a man fighting for me, telling me and showing me how much I mean to him? Turning off the tv and wanting to spend quality time together, making a special dinner just because or arranging a lunch date?? No just sweep it all under the carpet and behave in the same way which has got you to this place it's infuriating

I've also ordered that book should be here this week hoping this can give me the clarity I need to not back down and be strong enough to talk again and mean business. Sending strong vibes to All xx

@Isabel2021 You are welcome. You will get there, I know you will. Hugs.

Hi everyone. Thought I'd add my story. I have left, about 3 months ago. Moved me and my 3dcs out of the family home and to my mums. Me and 2dcs sleeping in a double bed. All my stuff piled up in my mums garage.

It's far from perfect but I'm sat here now just me and them....and I feel so at ease. Something I never felt with him. I was always on edge.

He seems to think he can change and I should come home. I can't risk going back to abuse and controlling behaviour.

I'm just taking my time on where me and the dcs will end up. I've been put at the top of the list for council
Housing though I'm not holding out much hope on that one.

Welcome @maskedwoman sorry to hear things have been difficult for you but so glad to hear you are already feeling at ease. Hopefully you will get some housing opportunities soon and be able to start a fresh with your little ones and have the life you deserve.

I got an email yesterday from the mortgage advisor regarding the end of our fixed term in April, tricky situ as I am definitely not in l a position to sign another contract with things as they are!

Still waiting for my book to arrive, planning for our holiday in half term, and thinking about next steps when we return.

How is everyone?
@lemonmeringue85 how's things with you?

@maskedwoman it is good to hear you feel more at ease and from the sound of things, safe.

I hope all is as well as can be with everyone else. I am struggling with doubt and guilt. My DW, as I will continue to call her as this is an "amicable" split, is struggling with her fear of the future. Last night was awful, she told me she'd have nothing to live on in retirement and I would be OK as I'd have another woman. We didn't speak much after that.

There is no OW now and she may find someone herself but I do understand her fears and that processing this right now is so hard. I don't know if I should try to argue the facts - we will be worse off, we will each have to pay rent or a mortgage into retirement but DW will get some of my pensions and lump sums so we should always be about even (I think). And is being calm and having a life you define more important than having foreign travel and a full Sky package and the rest? I'd say this is something I've come to but DW is not in that place. And I'm not saying she should be although I appreciate I'm forcing her there.

I also think she will inherit from her family although her mother has been awful apparently, telling DW only that she never liked me (which I knew and am fine with) and offering no comfort or emotional support at all. Her friends are supportive as are mine although most of my non mutual friends are female from places I worked in (my job is female dominated) and this feeds DW fear that we won't remain friends/I won't help her with things post leaving as she will never accept me having a new partner and in her view, women cannot be friends with men as one side always wants 'more' and so I'll soon be in a new relationship. This is actually our biggest fight, me being told over and over that I must have someone waiting for me, even if I don't know it yet.

I felt so shit last night about how I'm hurting her that I nearly offered to call it off. Or maybe to live as friends/housemates and then thought no because I'm not sure that would work. Maybe for DW but I couldn't. Which makes me selfish and I cling to "in a year she will say to me she is happier apart".

Fuck I hate this at times and I don't hate much in this world.

Am having a minor freak out! Husband sent me a message earlier about some domestic stuff. He then followed up with a message saying we should go for an evening out soon, and asking of I wanted to. So I replied and said I didn't think that would be enough to fix things and we probably need to get some counseling. I know it probably seems like a tiny little thing but it is the most I've said in about 3 or 4 years. He replied to say he agreed (and how terrible he feels about everything - but this is him trying to make me feel sorry for him). I said I was leaving it to him to look into - I said this because I want him to make the effort here, not me.

But now I'm waiting for him go get home from work and feeling really nervous and anxious about whether he's going to want to have a massive talk and how it's going to go etc 😬

And, sorry - hi to everyone else

@scaredsadandstuck I know that feeling well! Wanting so much to move forwards but then being terrified when things start moving. But well done for making a move, however small!!
Just stay strong and be as honest as you can. I love the advice that @freeatlast2021 gives- don’t go over every detail, there is no need, you are where you are. I think the more you get into a big dissection of your relationship, the more confusion you’ll feel.
Do you want to go to counselling? Do you think it could salvage things? X

I don't really want to go, but I know that I have to really - just so I can say I tried everything. And also I hope it might be a way to separate in the most amicable way possible. But maybe I'm being over optimistic...

Hello all, first of all I wish you all the most amazing 2022! and I hope that in this year you will all get to where you want to be. @scaredsadandstuck where you are right now is where most of us have been at one point or the other. I see that @Notsuchaniceguy is having similar problems. The thing is you should do your best to make sure you have clear conscience in your own eyes, to be able to say, I did all I could. You need to know, however, that in the eyes of your partner it may never be the case. I know that there are some couples that split amicably, but I do not think it is very common. When a couple is splitting up, one always feels victimized, and no matter how nice and kind and amicable you try to be this may never change.

What makes me really mad, in my own case but I can also see in the others, most of us do not leave because we suddenly do not feel like being married any more. We leave after years of having problems that could not be solved, mostly due to our partners inability to see that the problems were there or his/her willingness to change. So when we decide to separate we do that because we cannot take that kind of life anymore, we ARE the victims, not villains. But just because we are the one calling it quits, we find ourselves to have to explain, excuse, feel like we are the bad guys. You are not the bad guys for taking the matters in your own hands and saying, “enough is enough”. No matter how “nice” your partners may be they are not innocent in all this. It takes two to tango.

Even if there is no “bad guy” in all this, you have a right to end the relationship you are not happy with anymore. You entered it because you enjoyed being with this person, you wanted to build life together and have fun doing it. If it is not fun anymore, if you are not enjoying it, if you are feeling burdened with it, suffocating in it, disappointed with it, neglected, you have the right to leave and you do not have to feel guilty about it. I know this is hard, and I myself struggle with it every day. Every day, I keep telling myself all this I am telling you right now. I am a caring, loving, compassionate and empathic person and I hate that I had to leave my ex and cause him trouble and pain, I really do. That is why it took me fifteen years to do it!!! The things is, we ARE nice people, and that is why we feel bad about making our partners suffer. If we were bad, we would not care less, would we.

@freeatlast2021 thank you I know you're right. It just feels so awful right now. And I guess I have spent a long time trying to hide from feeling awful.

@freeatlast2021 thank you for your wise words and the reminder that if I was the unfeeling bastard I have been told at times I am and that I am loving this separation I wouldn't be hurting. I'll still own my part in this marriage not being where it needed to be and that I did bad things but I'lll try not to believe I am a fundamentally bad person. @scaredsadandstuck i hope if there was a conversation it was not too awful and helps you move towards where you want to be

I'm still here. How are you all doing? Same situation here sadly. Living together but separated. He won't discuss his next plans so we are in limbo. I'm checking his laptop history and there's no searching for flats to rent. I don't know how he can keep thinking all is ok. We barely talk. Just talk when we have to regarding kids and bills. 😩

Ugh @Millshake01 that sounds tough. What do you think you will do?

So after finally saying something (even though it wasn't much) I'm still in limbo as we haven't spoken about it since!!

A tension has definitely broken and I'm feeling a bit happier, but now I'm confused about whether I'm feeling kinder towards him because I'm not as tense, or because we could be ok with some therapy. I think it's the former because I still get a sinking feeling when I think about staying together.

@scaredsadandstuck this is the problem here. He refuses to talk. So frustrating. But I'm so used to his sulking ways I can't even be bothered to try to talk to him anymore. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

@Millshake01 To be fair to my H he probably would talk if I instigated the conversation, but I'm avoiding it as much as him right now (not good I know)

Have you had any legal advice about what you can do? Would you be willing to go down that route? I know you can force the sale of a house for example. I expect it takes forever, but it might show him you're not messing around and you mean it that it's over.

@scaredsadandstuck. I know where you are coming from— it’s actually getting the words out isn’t it— because once it’s been said it can’t really be unsaid.

[quote Crikeyalmighty]@scaredsadandstuck. I know where you are coming from— it’s actually getting the words out isn’t it— because once it’s been said it can’t really be unsaid.[/quote]
True. Saying it was very very hard and painful and you may have guilt and a slew of thoughts that tend to the catastrophic about the future and what will be lost. Focus on what can be gained - peace, calm, control, the wisdom and learning that you will gain. And brutal though it may be for the other person what they might also gain that might be similar. If you are told "doing this will ruin my life" don't argue back but hold in mind that they also have agency and responsibility for their life - and if they truly cannot build a new life without you then remind yourself that the relationship, had you stayed, would have been more carer than partner.

Yes all so true. And you're right @Notsuchaniceguy. In my case my H has known and talked about for many years the way he feels his upbringing has messed him up. I agree - it was dysfunctional and unhealthy and some bad stuff happened. However, I also think as an adult you are responsible for trying to sort that out, not use it as an excuse for the rest of your life.

@scaredsadandstuck unfortunately we rent. The stupid man wouldn't get a mortgage. I tried but he was adamant to rent. So it's just a case of him moving out. He doesn't want to leave the family home. Which I totally understand as I would t want to. But where do we go from here!

[quote Millshake01]@scaredsadandstuck unfortunately we rent. The stupid man wouldn't get a mortgage. I tried but he was adamant to rent. So it's just a case of him moving out. He doesn't want to leave the family home. Which I totally understand as I would t want to. But where do we go from here! [/quote]
Could you give notice on your rental and look for somewhere else to go that you take on by yourself. I'm not sure if you have any legal way of making him leave?

@scaredsadandstuck the rental is in my name so he should move out. He's just digging his heels in. Being very stubborn. And he's a very difficult man

god, i'm so far behind where many of you are.

i love my DW - i always have, and always will.

but things are not right between us.

we've been together almost 25 years, married 20.
we've both had affairs (her physical, me emotional), and worked through the aftermath of them.

we have almost no affection between us - mainly due to DW not being very receptive to it. she never initiates anything more than the occasional hug (usually when she's struggling with other stuff). i can't remember the last time she kissed me.
we've had sex about 4 times in the last 18 months.

i stopped initiating several years ago, because i would constantly be knocked back, and it made me feel like shit. so now i just wait for her.

the last 6 months were ok, but earlier in december we had a big falling out due to a relatively small issue about my parents and our DD. DW was extremely rude and aggressive about how i dealt with the situation (my parents have long been a bone of contention). she was more vitriolic in her words to me than i have ever known before.

since then i have basically given up making any effort in terms of us as a couple. we still split chores evenly, still share a bed etc, but where i used to make an effort to sit with her and watch things on tv with her etc, i don't bother anymore.

given she's never really made any effort the other way - it's very noticeable.

we discuss it occasionally - mainly because she feels very lonely.
but as she won't take any responsibility for how things are, we don't get anywhere.

she's been ill this week, and i've tried to be as supportive as i can be. but when that's over, i'm not sure how things will be again.

her parents are miserable together - have been for the whole time i've known her. they've made it very clear they only stayed together for her benefit - a nice burden for her to carry!

as such she always said she'd never do that to her children.
but here we are.

i don't know what to do.

i would try to reconcile, and make a full effort to make things right.
i love her enough to try and instigate that.
but i don't know if she feels the same.
or if she'd be honest about wanting to split.
she'd say she would worry about the impact to the children - and i'd get that.
she wouldn't say that she's also terrified of how her mum would react - part of me suspects this is a bigger reason for her.

i have wondered for a long time whether she will wait until her parents are gone (both in their 80s), and the children have left home, and then tell me she wants out.

i don't know what to do.

forgot to add that the main reason she's so lonely is because she makes zero effort in any relationship that isn't the one she has with her parents.

we've never discussed this. i don't think it would end well.