Separation stories: chapter 2

[lemonmeringue85]

@freeatlast2021 I finally did it, start a new thread that is.. not the other thing which I really should now start taking seriously. I absolutely do not want to be next Christmas, where I was this Christmas.
Thankyou for your post, never apologise for the lengthy ones!!

I have no idea how to post the link to this one on the old edition but will try... so, if you're seeing this then I didn't do a bad job!

Welcome to round 2

@movingon2022 this is exactly what I think is holding me back most.. that I don't know the words to use. I need a plan and a process to follow so tomorrow I'm going to gather documents and make copies of stuff, get things in order and list things I need to figure out such as utilities and take it from there.
I need this ball to start rolling.

Yes, I know, but you can do this @lemonmeringue85 , I know you can. Do not forget that you matter, your happiness matters and ultimately your whole family will be happier if you are too. Even though I am so much busier and am exhausted most of the time these days, I am so much better mother since my ex left. In this year I may have lost my temper with the kids twice, that is it, while before I was always angry, edgy and would often scream and yell at them. Please do not get me wrong, I am still not in the place of absolute peace and tranquility, but I am so much calmer and happier.

Progress report!

The plaster is off. Well, 90%. Wound is exposed and there's that little end bit still flapping about that won't budge but I'm much further forward. Ended up having another conversation several nights ago. I'm struggling a lot with my mental health at the moment, off work and in cbt, feeling quite low and not enough for anyone or anything.
Anyway, to cut a long story short I ended up getting out of bed, sleeping on the sofa and saying I can't do this anymore, we're going round in circles constantly, no ones needs are being met and I just can't do it.

I felt relief. I felt lighter but then we didn't speak all day yesterday while he was at work and haven't since. He's just acting like It's like it never happened!

One step further though I suppose.

How is everyone?

@lemonmeringue85 hope you are one step closer to happiness lovely. Are there any practical steps you can take next? Can you talk to him about how to go forward with separating?

Good job! You did great @lemonmeringue85 you made the most important step. I know you will feel like it is easier to just forget about it and fall back into your routine, but do not do it. You have to push forward even with the smallest possible steps. Keep initiating conversation or just start making plans on a side. Go talk to a lawyer, or a therapist, start making financial plans, collecting documentation. If nothing else it will give you a feeling that you are moving forward. For me, this period between calling it quits and my ex moving out was extremely difficult. Remember, I slept on the floor in the same bedroom with him for three months terrified that the kids will find me there before we told them, but I survived and you will too. Stay strong and push forward.💕

Thanks lovelies.
We haven't spoke about it since, and I've asked him tonight to talk because I feel like I'm just stuck in this weird atmosphere now where we're pretending nothings happened and all he could say was he was going to play on his Xbox with his mates. I told him I'd like to speak about other night but he says he knows we need to but he doesn't want to right now. Calling the shots again 🤦‍♀️
It's so bloody frustrating.

Hi all, hope everyone is well!

But of an update. I left yesterday.. and I have no clue what is going on my head. Suddenly it feels like I've overreacted, that I'm going a bit mad and have made the wrong decision. I feel so much guilt.

@lemonmeringue85 I know that it feels like you have detonated a bomb and you feel guilty about it. This feeling may stay there for a while and may still be coming back from time to time too. However, you know that you did the right thing. This is not something you decided one day on a whim, it has been a long time coming. You gave your husband a chance many times to talk about it, but he was avoiding it. While we all want to be nice, civil and reasonable going through this process, unfortunately it is often quite the opposite and there is no "nice" way to do it. You have to rip the bandade; there is no way around, it I am afraid.

Right now, please take care of yourself, be gentle, loving and caring to yourself as you need to stay healthy. Try to focus on things that need to be done and just put one foot in front of the other. It will get better, I promise. Hugs.💕

@lemonmeringue85 very happy for you. It’s the fear making you doubt yourself, but read back through your old posts and remind yourself how unhappy you were. Now you can focus on you and looking after yourself.

Please do not feel guilty about a man who chose to play on his x box rather than talk to you about your marriage. He had a choice - to be a grown up, respect you and talk about your relationship or be a disrespectful child and play on his x box. He chose his x box over you, please don’t ever forget that and never feel guilty!

Suddenly it feels like I've overreacted, that I'm going a bit mad and have made the wrong decision. I feel so much guilt.

The guilt is horrible, but you’ve not made this decision lightly, and ultimately your health and well-being matter. You can’t possibly parent the way you want to when you give so much of yourself away to an unhappy marriage. You’ll be ok. Really. And I say this as someone coming out of a 30 year marriage with small children - it’s scary but you’ll be fine.

You’ve done brilliantly @lemonmeringue85 . It is hard, and I know the guilt and the doubting feeling but you know this is the right thing. Think about how far you’ve come to get to this point. You are amazing - you’ve taken a big step! Ride it out - it will get better from here 😊

Thankyou so much all of you.

I didn't think it would be so hard to remember the reasons I've struggled for so long.. it's like my brain is against me and is showing me a slideshow of all the happiness and blocking out the shit. So your comments are really helping, thankyou!
@handyandy1 you're so right. I hadn't thought of it like this. Thankyou for that perspective!!

Hey lovely lot
How are we all?
Been hovering around and reading back through the two threads trying to remind me how far I've come and recapping everyone's journeys, trying to give me some hope I think. I've moved back into the family home, I couldn't cope unsettling the kids between two houses so wanted some consistency. It's def made it harder to stick to my guns, and I keep finding myself falling into old ways, trying to keep the peace and almost pretending everything's ok because I can't stand how much it will hurt him and the kids.
Did it take anyone else a few attempts to actually get the courage to make the break?
My mind is absolutely thrashed, I'm so low.

Hello OP. I am so sorry that you are struggling, but it is normal. This may be the most difficult thing you have ever done. It hurts, it is painful and it is not easy to do. Also, everybody's journey is different. I waited a long time to say something, long, long time, trying to work up a courage, so when I finally said it, I did not want, I could not, retract. I had to stick with it or else, I though I would go mad. If you remember, I stayed with him for four months waiting for the unit to become available and it did, thank god, otherwise I do not know what I would have done. Because he did not want to tell the kids right away, I had to sleep on the floor of our/his bedroom for all these four months. It was both physically and emotionally draining.

You know what is interesting OP, it has been a year and six months since we separated, my husband of 25 years, and I never once, not once regretted my decision, never once missed him, longed for him, needed him. While it feels sad and disheartening at times thinking that I gave that man so many years of my life, my best years and now he means nothing to me, what it means is that I made the right decision. Hang in there OP.❤

@lemonmeringue85 Just wanted to send love to you. I'm still at home and desperately unhappy but haven't found my courage to rip the plaster off. So disappointed in myself. It's so bloody hard, please be gentle to yourself and know you will do it. You will xxx

Thankyou both. I feel so stupid that it's took me so long, but I'm clearer than ever now and don't want it to drag on anymore. I've never lived on my own as a single person, it's a massive adjustment and I can now feel excited about it so I know it's the right thing.

Sorry to hear you're still in a similar position @findthecourage. I hope you find your happiness soon, I've found reading back over the thread has really helped. Both my posts and everyone's replies have helped me see just how long I've been unhappy for and the advice given has been absolutely amazing.

How is everyone else?

I haven’t posted on MN for over a year…my last post was regarding finally having the talk with my other half. We’re not married, have 3 children 7,9 and 11 and have been together for 25 years.

Over a year ago I agreed to give it another chance. We are both crap at communicating so we both put effort in. We had fun, went on holiday, I made the effort with sex.

Fast forward over a year. Back at feeling how I did. We get on, we have this HUGE shared history. He is my first love, my first boyfriend, my only lover. I feel like we are good friends who live together and have children. I feel so frustrated with him all the time as he is so socially and emotionally closed off and always has been. Aside from the first few months of our teenage romance, I haven’t been kissed, cuddled. Had my hand held. Been cuddled on the sofa. Had him sit next to me on the sofa.
lt’s something I have always pushed down and accepted. It is something that has held me back from trying and has slowly worn away my love. He has a very high sex drive though, something I have always found hard - (don’t want to connect with me all day, but you now want a shag?)
There are other issues also. Complete lack of interest in the house, going anywhere, doing anything. Seemingly no initiative. I feel like I have been his crutch through life and I can no longer do that. I need a partner, not a passenger. I know that with him not there I will have entire load on my shoulders anyway…..but that is far better than doing it all and having someone just sit there. Years of this has bred resentment and loss of respect for him. I am no longer attracted to him and shy away from sex.

I had the talk with him Saturday night. He was gutted, but he understood and took it in calmly this time. I mean it this time. I feel so sad and sick, but I still know this is what I’ve wanted for a long time. It makes it so hard because he is a good guy. I care about him enough to worry how we will work all this out. I keep in the forefront of my mind that he deserves to have his needs met as do I. I am 44, he is 43. We both deserve true happiness…at least the chance to have it.

I am currently living with my STBXH while we get ready to sell. May I tell you my story (sorry if you’ve read this before on other threads, I’m using MN as therapy).

Long marriage, mostly STAHM, child grown up and moved away, both retired.

I have been unhappy for years. I probably spent 8 years thinking about leaving but too scared to say the words. I went to see a therapist.

She helped me see how unreasonable his behaviour was as he’d always made it my fault.

I asked for relationship counselling, he refused, agreed, refused again.

Then I did what I had never done before, I pushed back and let my anger out. We had a series of such nasty rows we cannot go back. Except for one occasion my husbands anger was always greater than my own. But his was due to him being unused to my new behaviour and the only way to he knew to put me back in my box was to intimidate me.

It wasn’t planned, but in a way it achieved what I wanted. I have since put my anger away and now continue to grey rock until he is out of my life forever, and I can’t wait.

It always amazes me to see how many of us are going through the same, feeling the same, thinking the same, doing the same. Life is hard, that is the truth, and the older we get, the more kids we give birth to the harder it becomes to think of ourselves, to feel our feelings, to know our needs, to find our voice. Some of us never find it while others do, but never act on it. We trudge along, wake up, go to work, cook, clean and sometimes remember to laugh a little. When we are young our parents scold us for being selfish. Do you remember that? What happened? How did we get from being selfish and thinking only about ourselves to being completely neglectful.

We need to remember that our feelings, our needs, our happiness do matter! Regardless of weather your partner is a nice guy or a bastard, you may find yourself feeling miserable and unhappy and it is ok to want better life, for you and your kids. You deserve it. We all do.💕

I’m giving him time to process it all this week then I will bring it up again and seek a way forward. His brother has a spare room - that has been mentioned as an option.

I’m not in the least bit worried about being on my own with the kids. It’s him I’m worrying about. He hasn’t had to do anything or sort anything by himself for so, so long. A man child I guess. That’s been the main problem.
Not mine anymore right? I still feel responsible and like the one to sort this. Years and years of automatically doing that; hard to stop thinking that way.

@Lovelybunchofwhatnots I know what you mean. When I separated from my ex I literally told everyone including my own family to please keep in touch with him as I knew he was hopelessly antisocial. Last night, my daughter came home from visiting him crying her eyes out. Turns out he was complaining to her how my sister and her family does not contact him at all and she was so sad for him and angry at them. I was so upset for my child, for seeing her so hurt, but my feelings for him were torn between feeling sorry for him and angry at my own sister for “neglecting” to check up on him and being angry at him for being so insensitive, first of all and piling this kind of shit on our child and for thinking that he is entitled to be taken care of by everyone including my own family without so much as lifting his finger. I mean, he is a narcissist, most definitely, and this is how it was when we were together. I was the one taking care of our social life and he was acting like he was this higher being that everyone else has to call and wait on. It is hard. Separating physically does not mean total separation, especially if the kids are involved. Anyway, I am looking forward to seeing my therapist today and getting her to help me deal with this.

@movingon2022 this is my main worry. His mental health hasn’t always been great and I have this guilt that I am doing this to him. I know he will need support on his own but he has never been one to ask for it.

I keep telling myself that he is an adult.
I confided in my closest friend last night and she reminded me of this fact.

@Lovelybunchofwhatnots Yes, I know. You are not responsible for his life or his feelings anymore, is what my therapist tells me. But still, I now feel guilty because while I am out my kids are still in and there is no me to "protect" them. He uses them as friends, he uses them as his therapist. He is toxic, he says things to kids that hurt them and make them feel guilty, like "I do not see anyone, I only see you". Of course this makes them feel bad and puts extra pressure on there shoulders. My kids are young adults with their own life, but they keep going to see him, regularly because "he has no one else". I do not know, this is tough, but I know, no one said it would be easy.😔

@movingon2022 Such a horrible position to be in. Your children should never have it all put on them like that.

I still have that sense of responsibility though - that I am doing this to him therefore I need to sort it out and make it all ok. Years of being the one to make everything ok has me feeling that way.
I feel like the bad guy, the one who is wrecking it all. I am a people pleaser to a fault and it HAS to stop.