Separation stories: chapter 2

[lemonmeringue85]

@freeatlast2021 I finally did it, start a new thread that is.. not the other thing which I really should now start taking seriously. I absolutely do not want to be next Christmas, where I was this Christmas.
Thankyou for your post, never apologise for the lengthy ones!!

I have no idea how to post the link to this one on the old edition but will try... so, if you're seeing this then I didn't do a bad job!

Welcome to round 2

@hereyougoagain I was definitely madly in love with my ex in the beginning of our relationship. However, there were red flags all over the place from the very beginning that I ignored. I am not sure exactly why. I have experienced things with him I told myself I would never allow, I have accepted things from him I have never accepted from a man before. Mind you, I was in an unique situation when I met him. A new immigrant in a foreign land. I had my sister here with me, but I guess I felt like I needed another person in my corner. We actually lived in the same city for decades and shared many friends but never met before, and I was aware that this was telling me something. That we belonged to different worlds. Before I met him I was strong, self confident, but with him I felt weak, I felt like I needed to be taken care of and he loved it.

I always say that the last time I really felt loved and cared for properly by my now ex was when I was pregnant with my first child which is now twenty four years ago. I know, this is really sad. I am not sure what happened and how but he definitely changed in the first couple of years of us being together and things slowly started going sideways. The real change came some fifteen years ago when I feel like all the curtains dropped and he started showing real face.

I mean there is so much that bothered me with him. For example, I always had a feeling that he was not telling me all the truth about things, his past, present, his feelings. I caught him a few times, nothing major, but being his wife it was peculiar he would not tell me. This was one of the things that made me leave him when I finally admitted to myself that nothing would surprise me from him, that is how much I did not know him, how much I did not trust him.

Been moving towards separation for a couple of years. I've thought about it when he/we retire. He asked for it last summer. Have put it on hold until he retires in 3 years.
Just before he dropped the bombshell, he invited me out for lunch, very unusual. It transpired that he and 2 friends (a woman who we both worked with and a new male friend always go for a walk and lunch for their birthdays).
The new male friend was the one who organised it in the summer and booked the meal for 4 presumably thinking it would be normal for his wife to come along.
It's STBX birthday next weekend, I looked in last years family appointment diary for this time last year and there was the entry that STBX was "out all day". So they'd been out for lunch, and low and behold he is doing the same this year.
It's not that I want to go, it's not that I should expect to be invited, it's just another reminder of the reality of what is very slowly happening.
I have support, I have my ducks in a very firm row!
He seemingly has told nobody, not even the adult DC.

@movingon2022 @hereyougoagain I though she was my forever love up until the end. Absolutely mad looking back, even with only around 5 months space and some counselling. Or maybe it wasn’t? I think I lost myself so much in the relationship and she was so domineering (completely accidentally I think, I don’t blame her or hold a grudge it’s just how it became - probably because of how I was at the beginning) it became so suffocating. It’s causing issues now though - I’m coming out of my shell and being and thinking like a actual individual and not just an extension of her for the first time in years and she doesn’t like it. I guess it’s just a period of adjustment but it’s hard. I’m going to go low contact for a while I think.

Good news is completion on my new place looks like it’ll be in about 3 weeks! The kids are all excited which makes me so happy. This morning one of my boys said he wants to live with me all the time as he’s sick of his mum shouting at him :( I just want t make my house a place of calm and love and it’s so nice to have the freedom to make that happen.

Hey how is everyone getting on?

I'm still in the same position, going round in circles holding discussions about separating and being talked out of it. Don't feel strong and dont want to break the family up but I 100% know it's the right thing for me. I have no more to give.
I know I need to be be strong 💪

Hi, @betterno1

I've been where you are so many times and hopefully never again jumping on that carousel. I really think it's a desctructive social construct/idea that the family unit has priority over an individual's happiness, also it's plainly not true that it can actually work, that you can get a happy functioning "family" with the adults or one of the adults in it deeply unhappy.

If Mum or Dad are not happy within the family unit, it has a knock-on effect on everyone else, also the kids grow up with the subconscious idea that it's ok to not live your life but sacrifice it for others.

We should always do what we'd advise our own kids to do in our situation. I have now met numerous people who grew up in unhappy homes and either say they wished their parents divorced, or wished their parents divorced earlier. All kids want happy parents far more than unhappy parents but together.

Often our partners cling on to us not because they love us so much, but because they are scared to do it on their own, worried about losing respectability, and very often money is one of the biggest reasons couples keep going. But for the partner who wants to keep things as they are, staying with them usually doesn't do them any favours, it's not nourishing for their soul to live with them while not loving them, they could be (eventually) with someone who'd love them and while artificially prolonging the family life you are wasting their time and your own. But if you think there is hope that changes can be made, maybe through counselling or therapy which would have long term or permanent effect on your life together, of course you shouldn't give up.

Now that we are going to apply for a no-fault divorce, H has gone through denial and now is going through anger, it can be horrible sharing the house with him :( . I used to be so distraught about leaving the house of my dreams and now I really cannot wait to get out and get some healing and peace of mind and start a new life...even if the next house is nowhere near as nice as our house together...However he is refusing to put the house on the market until we've got our separation agreement stamped by the courts and started our divorce proceedings (so that I don't suddenly ask for more than half later), and I can't even view anything because the market is so busy where I am even to view you often alread need to be proceedable.

@hereyougoagain

'I used to be so distraught about leaving the house of my dreams and now I really cannot wait to get out and get some healing and peace of mind and start a new life...even if the next house is nowhere near as nice as our house together...'

I'm totally feeling this, it once was what was keeping me here but not I just don't care about any of it very much at all! I just know this cannot continue like this.

You sound like you are further ahead than me, good for you you are making it through and following your heart ❤️

It's so true that we should always do what we advise our kids to do, funny that my daughter age 14 actually said to me of your not happy mum your not happy you need to be happy, also don't do anything for us put yourself first we will be ok! So grown up and mature, to have her blessing has helped but I know it will be so hard for the kids and there will be lots of upset and tears xx

How is everyone else following this threat? Anyone else following their gut instinct and moving on? Wishing you all well and thinking of you 💓💓

Well I’ve got my own place now, though I’m still getting furniture for it, beds etc. some of us are still on blow up beds for another few days! Feels like I’m getting to the end of the road, or the beginning of another depending on how you view it.

Feels great being able to just choose and do whatever you like without consideration for another adult and their views. Right now I couldn’t imagine ever living with anyone apart from the kids ever again though I’m sure that’ll change in time.

Not in a proper routine with kids yet cos they’ve been away with ex on hols but should be starting to soon, this evening even.

Things between me and ex have gone downhill though I managed to get the rest of my stuff out of the house. My fault, she said she didn’t want 50/50 childcare and I lost it. No threats or violence but lots of wailing and shouting about why she was doing it to me. She’s now suggested I have them 6/14 but I can’t see why. I’ve left it for the time being and hope it’ll just work out at 50/50 in the end. So still a bit of stress there but we’re leaving each other alone for the time being so I’m just ignoring that side of things for a while. Difficult arranging kids stuff though.

Still got the actual divorce to get through too but that’s for the future, I’m just being content building a home for me and the kids - all of which absolutely want to be here with their dad which is just fantastic.

@Another2022 well done to you. Onwards & upwards now. Having your own place is a great step forward.

@Another2022 Glad to hear that you are settling nicely into your new home and getting on well with your kids. I know a lot of people claim that they are "amicable" with their ex, but honestly, I do not see how this is possible. The reason why most of us decide to leave our marriages is because we do not get on well with our spouses, we do not see things the same way, so how can we get on well after we separate? Anyway, what I am trying to say is, do not expect anything from your ex. Keep your distance and only engage when necessary. Do you have a lawyer or are you doing this all by yourself? If she proves difficult to deal with I would suggest you hire a lawyer to do this for you (if you can afford it). A lot what you say resonates with me to the point that it feels like I wrote it; our ex’s seem to be very similar. I wish you all the best. Keep posting.

@hereyougoagain and @betterno1 hang in there. For me this was absolutely one of the hardest things that I have gone through (and I survived a war ). The emotional suffering was almost unbearable at times. The array of emotions was so complex, from feeling sad, to feeling guilty, angry, and the pain in the pit of my stomach was constant. Things have to get worse before they get better, but they will get better, please remember. Its not like I feel great all the time now, far from it, but the serenity of my home, the calmness, the fact that I get to make my own decisions, it is priceless. It is worth it, most definitely is. Take care and keep moving forward.

@Another2022 it sounds like you are doing an amazing job and making such progress good for you, one day at time with more tricky things well don't you for ignoring it for now.

Thankyou @movingon2022 I'm needing those wise words right now, older child girl 14 crying in bed this evening as just wants things to be sorted either way and doesn't want me to do anything because of her, I said I was sorry for all of this and she told me not to be sorry it's not my fault, sometimes kids can just completely amaze you, it's going to be rubbish really rubbish but I feel like she has my back and senses that I'll be so much happier on my own!

Hello all, checking in because I’m about to have “the chat” this weekend. We had an initial conversation about how bad things are a few months ago but nothing has changed. I have arranged for kids to do a sleep over so they won’t be here. I feel honestly sick at the thought of how this is going to go. I’m absolutely resolute now that this has to end and the thinking about the practicalities is actually comforting. Keep reminding myself that the only way out is through, but it’s going to be the worst conversation and he is going to be so angry and upset. Can’t bear to think about how we will tell DDs 4 and 7.

I think I may have finally found my thread.

Been using MN for only a couple of months, wanting to post. Asked for a separation a year ago. Hadn’t thought any of it through just blurted. Still living in same house.

(This year has included threats of suicide - we have a shotgun in the house, I found and hid the keys, sexual coercion, threats to take the children, lies, gaslighting, financial abuse, silent treatment, emails to my family, bugging the house etc.)

It has taken me a year to process exactly why I wanted to leave. I saw a therapist initially (highly out of character) and spent the whole time crying that I was so awful to him, couldn’t love him the way he deserved to be loved, emasculated him
by avoiding sex. However an
internet search I made ONLY six weeks ago looking for techniques to deal with a verbally combative man who is eccentric, thrives on conflict, is domineering, grandiose, lies and has an enormous ego lead to me to terms such as Grey rocking, grandiose narcissistic tendencies etc. I now observe rather than react and it’s not a pretty sight.

I do not hate him. He has exceptional qualities and intellectual gifts. He is a marvellous Disney Dad but is not a domestic animal (I have always done 95% of childcare/domestic and have been very happy with this).

I understand from hours of research that this may well be a high-conflict divorce and may well end up in court due to his need to win, fury that I want to leave him and his insatiable ego/avoidance of shame. It’s his second marriage and I am 13 years his junior.

Tell me. My greatest fear is that the children (elder is early teens) could conceivably be influenced into living with him. I understand courts take their desires into consideration.

For context, he has barely even done a school run in his life but he would simply get a nanny.

He is extraordinarily charming and is in the legal
profession. Coupled with a very upper-class accent and demeanour (it’s bred to the bone, cannot be faked and I have watched people
respond and defer to it for 20 years) he should not be under-estimated.

God help me. I vacillate between despair, paranoia then pragmatism and hope that I can talk him into an amicable, reasonable future. Often I think well I’ve done 20 years another 5 and the children will be sorted and critically, I will not risk losing them.

Forgot the cherry on top 🍒 He’s also a high-functioning alcoholic. Yay!!

@flipper97

much of your post resonates with me, particularly the fear of a high conflict divorce from a man with money and contacts and enormous ego, and the vacillation I feel as a result. (And the high functioning alcoholism!)

deep down I know how unhappy I am in my marriage, and how unhappy I must make him (no sex or intimacy, emotionally or physically- at best we have pleasant chats about the kids)

I too blurted it my desire for a separation, and my Husband, though initially shocked and upset, has now decided to pretend nothing is wrong. I feel like I could tread water like this for the rest of my life

@Wackadoo

good luck, and well done on feeling resolute . I had ‘the chat’, I was honest with him, perhaps brutally so, and he’s now acting like It never happened.

I hope this doesn’t happen to you , for me it’s so hard because it just means we either go on like this forever , or I have to summon up the courage to have ‘the chat’ again.

@Tenthnamechange this is happening for me too, but been going on for over a year!! He's been on the sofa for the past 4 weeks and tonight we are having the 'chat' and the last one I'm going to make sure of it!! Strong positive vibes needed!

And so it goes on….

Me and ex haven’t been able to agree a parenting schedule for the kids. You have them every Tuesday after school until Thursday drop off then every other weekend. Sticking point she wants Friday to Sunday 4pm whereas I’d like the whole weekend with them until Monday school drop off. She says the schedule ‘is not up for debate’ and won’t discuss it. Came to a head on Sunday when the girls chose to go to hers and the boys stayed here. Got a letter from her solicitors the next morning saying I’d broken our agreement???!! It was not agreed and the fact she’s already lied to her solicitors is a little alarming…

Anyway, I’ve got in contact with a mediation service and had my initial meeting. I really don’t want to back down to her and apart from a world of stress for me, making the kids choose and be in the middle of it, this is my only hope before court (which I want to avoid at ALL costs!).

Aprt from that all is well. The three younger kids have all settled in well and seem genuinely happy here. You can already start to see the first signs of them thinking of it as home - or one of their homes anyway! My eldest is a little more spikey but she’s an 11, going on 16, year young girl and is the one hardest hit by the break up. She’s very protective of her mum and has probably seen the sadness and stress her mums gone through. I’ll just continue doing what I do and keep the separation stuff out of it as much as possible.

Still finding my feet with things but getting there!

@betterno1 how did the chat go?

Anyone else made any progress?

I (not you!) have them every Tuesday.

seriously mumsnet, sort an edit post feature out!

@Another2022 glad you have started Ed mediation sounds like it's the way forward to have something in writing when your ex is going to behave like that this ver the arrangements. So positive to hear the kids are doing well too and that they are settling into the new routine and home.

My chat didn't go great husband didn't take it wel at all and said it was such a shock and wasn't expecting it 🤔🤔 I seriously think he thought we would patch it all up again like all the other times and carry on as if everything's fine! He's been begging me to reconsider and said he will change and see a councillor (which I asked several times over the last 6months and he refused) he talks about how much I'm throwing away and ruining his and the kids lives! I feel so checked out of the marriage and feel I can't reconsider as I'll be lying to myself, although my older girl is aware of all going on and crying all the time insisting we make a decision and she hates him on the sofa etc. so all in all a bit of a mess and me being out on a guilt trip but I'm trying to be strong.

Very scared about the future how I can afford to live and what life I can afford but trying to look forward and be positive

Long time since I last posted on here, although I’ve been following along! So things have finally moved on a bit for me. H and I have talked and agreed to separate and this all went surprisingly well. He said it wasn’t what he wanted but did admit that he didn’t love me in the same way he used to- which actually made me feel nothing but relief. But we have agreed that we will continue living together at the moment, we can’t really afford to do anything else. This way the kids are less affected and don’t have to move. But I really want to be able to separate my life more if that makes sense? I just don’t know where to start really. Is anyone else in this situation? If so how is it for you?

@Yellowswan so glad things are moving forward for you and it all seems fairly amicable so far, are you feeling positive about things? Suppose it must really help that's x is on board and on the same page ..... unlike mine!

Do you go out and see friends in the evening etc? Have your own hobbies and interests? Are you still cooking together and eating together etc? I suppose if it's working and you are getting on there's no reason why you shouldnt?

@betterno1 yes I am definitely feeling more positive, like a weights been lifted and I actually think x is feeling like that too. (Noted how you referred to him as x in your post and I like it!). I think I’m just wanting to feel a bit more freedom I suppose. We don’t do things together such as cooking and eating, but I think that’s more to do with work hours etc. I have my own interests as does he. I am happy to remain like this for a while, I just feel there might need to be some more definite boundaries.

Your situation sounds very difficult at the moment and I have been where you are so many times. The guilt is overwhelming, but so is the need to make change. He’s sleeping on the sofa now? For me this was a big change and I knew I could never go back, so don’t be guilt tripped into changing your mind. Things will get better xx

@Yellowswan We are still living together and some days I feel fine about this and happy to carry on for a while and other days I just want some space! Our daughter is about to sit her A levels though so we don’t want any disruption right now, so waiting until exams are over before anything moves on. So the DC don’t know we have separated yet. It just shows how right it is because the kids haven’t noticed a difference even though we do completely different things, are always in different parts of the house, have different hobbies and friends, don’t eat together etc (to be fair this has been because I’m on a diet and eat different things!)

How are you finding things with boundaries? This is something I struggle with as I think he forgets sometimes. He still gives me a very awkward hug when I go to bed! I’m seriously considering birdnesting and renting a small flat somewhere so we can swap between being there and being in the house with the girls. Has anyone done this? We do get on really well as friends so I think it could work. Im just not sure how it works with older kids - they are late teens with one going to Uni this year and the other soon after. I still want them to have a home to come back to whenever they want obviously so the nesting option really will only be temporary then we’ll need to work out how to afford a place each big enough for returning kids! Unless we keep swapping in and out of the main house when there are no children in it which is obviously pointless and weird haha!

I keep seeing little one bed apartments and dreaming about how lovely the freedom would be, even for a few nights a week. But I don’t want the girls to think either one of us is choosing to be away from them. I know it sounds like I am - but I’m really not. I don’t want to leave them, but as they are getting older and doing their own thing more I do keep thinking about how we can move forward with a bit more independence and freedom as well. I think that although we get on well, we do need some space as well or we’re never going to move forward.

Any ideas of how to achieve this would be very welcome!

Hi everyone. I wonder how you all are doing these days, it has been awhile.

The other day I ran into this quote and thought this 100% applies to my marriage and you may find it resonates to you too:

“Love doesn't die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism. Those guilty of these two crimes of the heart always hide behind excuses convenient; too ashamed, lacking in integrity and courage to face the truth. To them, it is always something other than their own actions, desires and self-importance that dictate circumstances. For these people, so blind to truth, true love can never be fully experienced for they have never really given of themselves all that they are.”

― Frank Salvato

You take care and keep posting. It helps.💕

Hello @movingon2022 things have really moved on here, we are separated now and he is more accepting of it. I am looking for a house to rent and he will stay in the mortgaged home and we will share the children 50/50. I feel so much better and happier already and we are still living under the same roof. Just no more pressure, or pretending everything is ok and can just do as I please without any guilt etc. kids 12 and 15 were understandably very upset but have been amazing and so accepting they know we haven't been happy and that we have really Tried to get back on track so proud of them. Just to find a rental I can afford now 🤞🤞