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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never has 12 month old DD alone

208 replies

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 08:47

I can’t work out if this is normal. I think in my NCT group it probably is normal but maybe we all have crap dads. In any case, they have support from their families which I don’t.

I’m not sure if I should raise it.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/12/2021 08:48

Not OK.

Why are you being passive about it?

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2021 08:49

It’s easy. When he’s home, just go out! From being newborn I would leave my children with their father. He didn’t get a choice; he’s a parent too so needs to do his share.

Troublesometooth · 28/12/2021 08:49

My DH rarely has the children alone. But that’s because he works all week and then at the weekend if he was taking them out then I would go to so we can spend time as a family.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 28/12/2021 08:49

Why does it have to be officially raised?

Just pop out to the shop for 40 minutes and tell him you're going. Thats the first step, then just go out for longer.

toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2021 08:50

Not ok. What does he do with her and what does he do round the house?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 08:51

Not normal at all. I honestly can't imagine my DH never having our child alone once in 12 months.

What would happen if you left them to do the weekly food shop for example, surely at some point in the last year you've wanted a few hours to yourself?

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 08:54

Ah - but that’s it. I don’t want to go out. I’d like to stay in, and get a little bit of a break. Maybe even some sleep …

OP posts:
Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 08:55

And I see that I should have been clearer. I have nipped out briefly to places like the supermarket and even had a couple of nights out with friends. That’s fine. But I would like a bit of time at home uninterrupted too.

OP posts:
Antsgomarching · 28/12/2021 08:56

No not normal, DH has had DD alone since she was born. They have a good time without me.

Antsgomarching · 28/12/2021 08:57

Yeah he should be able to take her out, DH takes DD out one morning on the weekends so I can have a lie in and a break, rest is family time.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 08:57

@Wavesanddots

Ah - but that’s it. I don’t want to go out. I’d like to stay in, and get a little bit of a break. Maybe even some sleep …
So why not suggest he takes her to the park for a bit if he says no you've got bugger problems and will need to sit down and have a conversation about sharing the load.

However I have to be honest I'd be disappointed if I had to ask rather than him taking the initiative and choosing to spend 1-1 time with her.

AliMonkey · 28/12/2021 08:57

I think it’s not normal but does happen. When you say never, do you mean you’ve never nipped out to the local shop or round to a neighbour’s even? Presumably you have left him in charge whilst you’ve eg had a shower?

Even when I was regularly breastfeeding, I’d nip out for a hour if baby well fed. And by twelve months I was back at work so DH would do some pick ups and drop offs and baby was used to being without me, though I was still feeding morning and bedtime so wouldn’t have left overnight. DS in particular preferred me until he was about three but still DH was left with him sometimes.

So the question I’d ask is why not? Have you never suggested it? And if so why not? You don’t have to be a martyr and you have to trust him unless he’s given you good reason not to. And he won’t learn unless you allow him to do it and make mistakes.

BigFatLiar · 28/12/2021 08:59

So the three of you are in the house together and you want him to take her out somewhere so you can be on your own?
Does she actually want to go somewhere with him, at 12 she should be able to say?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/12/2021 08:59

Its completely bizarre and shouldn't be encouraged. What would happen if you had to go into hospital for a few weeks? I can only imagine the carnage.
They are not developing any kind of relationship. My DS dad never touched him while he was a baby and now he is an adult (exH and I are divorced) have zero relationship.
DS says he never remembers his father hugging him or doing anything personal for him.

BigFatLiar · 28/12/2021 09:00

Sorry 12 mth not year, oops.

PotteringAlong · 28/12/2021 09:00

So you’ve been to the shops without her: you’ve had nights out without her.

So he HAS had her alone.

Why the angst? Just say “I need you to take her to the shops with you so I can have some time in the house by myself”.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 09:00

@BigFatLiar

So the three of you are in the house together and you want him to take her out somewhere so you can be on your own? Does she actually want to go somewhere with him, at 12 she should be able to say?
The child is 12 months old not 12 years. It's perfectly normal to take a 12 month old out for no other reason than for some fresh air.
Rangoon · 28/12/2021 09:01

My husband looked after our first child fulltime from 6-12 weeks. I did the first six weeks before going back to work. I don't know what is wrong with your husband.

BigFatLiar · 28/12/2021 09:01

Does he interact with her at home, change nappies, feed etc?

astoundedgoat · 28/12/2021 09:01

Not normal. Just say you want some disk time at home and can he take her out to the park & a cafe for an hour? She’ll presumably fall asleep in the pram after park & he can have a quiet time in the cafe.

Might be easier for you to go out at this time of year. Very wet this week.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:02

If I say that he doesn’t. Doesn’t refuse, just doesn’t do it.

He doesn’t have her totally alone a lot. As I say, she is 12 months and I’ve had two nights out in that time, so I’m not on the lash every weekend Grin and I’ve popped to the shops and been to the gym. That’s all fine. But what I would like is a little bit of time to recharge and get a break at home and he never takes her out!

OP posts:
Uniforn · 28/12/2021 09:03

My ex never took DS out alone, if he was up in the morning before me (very rare) then he'd just sit on his phone and plonk him in front of the telly without getting him ready for the day or anything, extremely selfish and lazy man. I would arrange to go out, if he doesn't feel confident then he needs to learn, I don't think it's overly unusual but should be as its not fair. My husband now is amazing with DS

saleorbouy · 28/12/2021 09:04

You have enabled this, you should start as you mean to go on as soon as they are born and give each other breaks from parenting. Set up a day of the week where you can have a lie in each.
Just ask him to take the kids to soft play or the park and run yourself a bath.
Everyone needs "me" time but if you don't make him aware perhaps he is oblivious.

ParishSpinster · 28/12/2021 09:05

Raise it with who?

I told my DH he was going to take our DD , when she was about 1, to the park once a fortnight. He loved spending time with her but hadn't really taken her out on his own and was a bit nervous about what to do if she was hungry or upset. I told him tk figure it out. They both loved it. I said it was great and they carried on doing it at least once a month if not more often.

She is 10 now and we have a 6yr old too and DH has happily taken one, other, or both out for the day maybe not weekly but definitely fortnightly. If he hadn't started when DD was little then he would quite easily have never done it.

Tell him to take your DD to the park. Go for a sleep. When they come back have a chat about how often they can do it.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 09:09

If I say that he doesn’t. Doesn’t refuse, just doesn’t do it.

That's ridiculous. Is he planning on never taking her outside alone, 12 months is a super easy age to have them out and about, if he won't do it now he definitely won't do it when their a stroppy 2 year old who knows their own mind.

I'd be putting my foot down at this point and telling him he's taking her out. The parenting load should be shared and if he refuses to share it then whats the point in him being there.