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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never has 12 month old DD alone

208 replies

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 08:47

I can’t work out if this is normal. I think in my NCT group it probably is normal but maybe we all have crap dads. In any case, they have support from their families which I don’t.

I’m not sure if I should raise it.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 28/12/2021 09:52

When you had the two nights out this year, was she asleep before you left?

toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2021 09:53

You haven’t really said what he does do? What makes him a good dad/partner, as I haven’t seen anything that shows him to be either

santaclothes · 28/12/2021 09:53

@Wavesanddots

Sorry Santa what don’t you get?

The bit where you need him to take your child out. I think the responses on this thread would entirely different without the ridiculously inaccurate title. I also think you knew what you were doing with it.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:54

No, I left at around 7 and got back at 10 for one and about 1130 for the other. I do normally do bath and bed though.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 28/12/2021 09:55

I think the problem, @santaclothes, with that would be that she wouldn't be left on her own to do whatever she wanted. DH would be clueless/ "she wants you"/ "oh I'm sure Mummy would like to join in this fun game!"

Am I right OP?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2021 09:55

wavesanddots

re your comment:-

"I never noticed it before DD because I never really had to rely on him, but you often ask him to do something and he won’t so you do it yourself. I remember being so, so bloody hungry last year because I kept asking him to go to the supermarket and he kept saying yeah I’ll go and didn’t. It’s quite effective as a tactic because you aren’t saying no but you aren’t going! It’s so fucking annoying though".

This is deliberate/performative incompetence on his part; either doing a task so badly or not at all means you get fed up and so take over which was his aim all along. He really does sees the life admin like supermarket shopping and caring for his child as your roles in life by dint of fact you are female. I would also think his mother ran around after both her son and her H when he was living at home.

He is neither a decent dad to his child nor husband to you. All he cares about is him. Do not stay with such a man merely for financial reasons.

Whinge · 28/12/2021 09:55

It's also totally reasonable to be able to do this while your child and partner are at home. I can't imagine DH ordering me out of the house so he could have time alone, or vice versa. How odd.

It's very difficult to get peace and quiet if the other parent doesn't do any of the parenting. As for being ordered out the hosue, what sort of parent doesn't want to spend time with their child? Op shouldn't need to suggest activities or going to visit family, if her DH actually cared about the child he'd want to spend time with them, and if her cared about OP then he'd want to give her a break once in a while.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:56

Santa, if you want an argument you aren’t having it from me. DH does have DD alone when I go out but tbh with the exception of two nights out these tend to be for less than an hour, maximum of around two.

I’m not ordering him out of his own home at all, how you’ve extrapolated that when I’ve repeatedly explained he doesn’t do it I don’t know. But the fact is like I say I am struggling to get stuff done and it would be enormously helpful if I got a bit of time to get sorted.

OP posts:
BoudecaBains · 28/12/2021 09:56

My husband held a commercial pilots licence so looking after a small infant wasn't much of a stretch for him. I just don't think he enjoyed it very much which was one of the reasons why we had a nanny. He was much more hands-on when they got older.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:57

I wish I could afford a nanny!

OP posts:
20viona · 28/12/2021 09:57

That's so weird but you shouldnt allow it if you want it to change.

santaclothes · 28/12/2021 09:58

It's very difficult to get peace and quiet if the other parent doesn't do any of the parenting. As for being ordered out the hosue, what sort of parent doesn't want to spend time with their child? Op shouldn't need to suggest activities or going to visit family, if her DH actually cared about the child he'd want to spend time with them, and if her cared about OP then he'd want to give her a break once in a while.

I guess all people are different. I just don't see leaving the house with a DC as any sort of indicator as to whether the parent 'cares' about the child. It may be a bit selfish if he does nothing at all whilst OP is home, but the idea that he must leave the house in order for her to be able to relax does not automatically follow.

toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2021 09:59

Do you work @Wavesanddots?

santaclothes · 28/12/2021 10:00

@Wavesanddots

Santa, if you want an argument you aren’t having it from me. DH does have DD alone when I go out but tbh with the exception of two nights out these tend to be for less than an hour, maximum of around two.

I’m not ordering him out of his own home at all, how you’ve extrapolated that when I’ve repeatedly explained he doesn’t do it I don’t know. But the fact is like I say I am struggling to get stuff done and it would be enormously helpful if I got a bit of time to get sorted.

I didn't post to argue, I just didn't see the situation the same and the thread title has irked me because it's completely misleading. I shall be off now.

santaclothes · 28/12/2021 10:00

@JanglyBeads

I think the problem, *@santaclothes*, with that would be that she wouldn't be left on her own to do whatever she wanted. DH would be clueless/ "she wants you"/ "oh I'm sure Mummy would like to join in this fun game!"

Am I right OP?

That makes more sense, thank you

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 10:03

@toomuchlaundry

Do you work *@Wavesanddots*?
I do and to be honest this is the main reason I’d like some peace as I need to get some work done.
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2021 10:03

"I wish I could afford a nanny!"

Employing a nanny would not solve the underlying problem here i.e your man and his attitude. He would view a nanny as merely someone else to otherwise parent his child.

Whinge · 28/12/2021 10:05

I do and to be honest this is the main reason I’d like some peace as I need to get some work done.

Are you saying you're trying to WFH when your DH and baby are there, and he's still expecting you to be the one caring for her? Shock

JanglyBeads · 28/12/2021 10:07

Then surely you can tell him that you need him to take her out so that you can get uninterrupted working time?

Why don't you have any friends or family that could have her, @Wavesanddots ? Don't you have any mum friends locally at all?

TueWed · 28/12/2021 10:07

@Wavesanddots

And I see that I should have been clearer. I have nipped out briefly to places like the supermarket and even had a couple of nights out with friends. That’s fine. But I would like a bit of time at home uninterrupted too.
Husband never has 12 month old DD alone except when you go out to the supermarket or put with friends?
Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 10:08

I have mum friends but we don’t routinely take one another’s babies!

No I’m not WFH. I just sometimes need to prepare stuff outside of my actual working hours.

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 10:08

@Whinge

I do and to be honest this is the main reason I’d like some peace as I need to get some work done.

Are you saying you're trying to WFH when your DH and baby are there, and he's still expecting you to be the one caring for her? Shock

That's how I read this post too, I bloody hope that's not what's happening as that's beyond crap parenting!
Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 10:09

I acknowledged on the second or third post that I should have said never takes her out alone.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 28/12/2021 10:09

If you want him to take her out so you can get things done, try saying “ do you want to take DD to the park and for a walk for 3 hours or clean out the xx”. So he has to commit to doing one or the other.

Abs you’ve told him how long he needs to stay away for. Give yourself extra time so you can have a break.

In your shoes I’d also suggest you have turns for lie ins on the weekend. And start going out more in the evenings. Get him more involved in bed and bath routine too.

JanglyBeads · 28/12/2021 10:10

What would happen if you confronted him on this issue?