Husband never has 12 month old DD alone

[Wavesanddots]

I can’t work out if this is normal. I think in my NCT group it probably is normal but maybe we all have crap dads. In any case, they have support from their families which I don’t.

I’m not sure if I should raise it.

Keep at it but I expect it will improve with time. My partner is not quite a bad as you describe but would somewhat bugruudgingly offer or agree to take my son out and give me peace. Either a car nap or a pram walk some times the shop. Since my son turned 18 months their relationship blossomed. They interact far more and it's helped him enjoy spending time with his son which makes it all easier.
If you're happy in other aspects then give it time but if there's more to this consider your options!

I don’t understand this stalemate bit at all. Take the milk example. Wouldn’t a normal person 20 hours later find their dh and say ‘ARE YOU GETTING MILK
BECAUSE WE NEED MILK AND THTA WAS TWENTY HOURS AGO AND BABY CANT HAVE BREAKFAST AND I CSNT HAVE A CUP OF TEA AND YOURE ALL ‘I’LL GO’ BUT YOU HAVEN’T. SO IF YOUVE NOT GONE TO GET MILK IN TEN MINUTES I KNOW I WILL GET MILK MEANS FUCKING GET YOUR OWN MILK.’ Instead you just seem to go hmmmph we seem to be at a stalemate and I had better just go… I can’t comprehend this! There are so many ways to confront this. ‘I’ll get milk.’ I need it in half an hour, so if you can’t go now it’s no help at all. Can you go now? ‘Sure’ WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT GETTING MILK YOU ALWAYS DO THIS AND IT IS SO SELFISH.

'He knew you were starving. He didn't get you food despite knowing that, being able to and being asked to. He didn't care enough about you to do that. I'm not sure what anyone can suggest if you wanted to know if it's normal (it's not, nor is it acceptable) or if you at some stage wanted some suggestions as we've all said you need to at least talk to him then consider your options re staying / leaving.

I can't bear how many women in their 20s and 30s meet and then spend decades with men who treat them so poorly. Even if breaking up meant being single for a long while (or forever!) that's infinitely better than being in a relationship with someone happy to watch you run yourself into the ground because they don't care enough about you to work as a team.

I hate the fact these blokes are smugly going to bed each night knowing their child is being cared for by someone else, someone else is cooking and cleaning for them and still shagging them. Makes me sick they are so entitled that they are happy to live that way. And they are unfortunately teaching their kids this is how it should be. And the cycle continues.'

The part in bold.... that was me, wasted the good part of my 20s and 30s with a man like this hoping he would change. Am so pleased I got rid, never been happier

Hi OP, I’ve been in this situation as well. A deliberately incompetent partner who did not look after our DS on his own, only jointly with me (plus some other difficulties, in my case). It took me a while to get it. His smiling face, pleasant amiable manner assuring me he loved me all whilst doing incredibly little parenting was a mind fuck for me. But what my exP was doing wasn’t being just a bit hopeless, it was intentional and disrespectful. Once the penny dropped it took me nearly 18 months (and a difficult house move) to get my ducks in a row and boot him out. I have health conditions and zero family support, so when I first realised the relationship needed to end I felt, like you, that I couldn’t leave. Physically I wasn’t able to cope alone and I had to make some changes in my set up first to make it so I would be able to physically manage.
Now I’ve been separated 2 years, my ex has been difficult throughout, but although things are tough life is without a doubt better than it was with him.
To the other posters, just to say that my experience is that some people need time to get their ducks in a row, it doesn’t mean they’ll definitely lose decades of their life. I ended it with my ex when my DS was 4.5yrs. And each case is different, I initially felt I couldn’t get out as I have a difficult health condition, a disabled older DC, zero family support.

OP, you say life is better with your DH than it was without him, in what ways? Also, what problems do you foresee if you did want to leave? Childcare difficulties possibly forcing you to give up work and then having no money?

Anyway, as someone who’s been through this, I wish you well resolving matters x

I’ve learned I just end up upset and frustrated and obviously I don’t like feeling like that.

This is the crux of it. You’re avoiding confronting it properly because it’s scary and upsetting. Then you’d have to truly admit to yourself that he’s not a good guy, because it would be out there in no uncertain terms. While you can avoid the confrontation you can avoid the unpleasant need to deal with the reality of it.

Unfortunately, it won’t help long-term and you’ll continue to feel upset, frustrated, trapped.

If you do genuinely feel like changing it, I suggest a good old-fashioned knock down drag out lay it all on the table argument where you take him to task about whatever it is he promises to do but never does. The milk thing is crazy, I’ve no idea why you haven’t lost your shit before now! You need clear expectations of him and call him out when those boundaries are crossed.

Yup, I've been in this situation.

He's my ex now.

Firstly no more children with this man, secondly he is not a good father. Your life is so removed from what passes as an equal relationship. Im not sure why you posted. His behaviour is not normal. Go for counselling or make a plan to leave. But its no way to live

Totally get that you need time to yourself. My husband is quite good at playing with my DS (16mo) at home and taking him out if I need to get on and do something at home. But I do need to organise EVERYTHING... get my son appropriately dressed, pack toys and snacks, book tickets for whatever museum or give him ideas of playgrounds etc. Help put him in the buggy and wave them off down the street!

If I go out and leave them both at home I get all the snacks and meals pre prepared and leave a schedule of meals, naps and outings written down.

Have you tried literally getting you DD ready and pushing them out the door 🤣
Or you could start by all walking to the playground and you leaving after 15mins, I often do this and head off to the supermarket or get some things done at home.