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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never has 12 month old DD alone

208 replies

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 08:47

I can’t work out if this is normal. I think in my NCT group it probably is normal but maybe we all have crap dads. In any case, they have support from their families which I don’t.

I’m not sure if I should raise it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:35

I mostly rely on him financially. So leaving isn’t an option. And I wouldn’t anyway for something like this.

OP posts:
Morechocolatethanbarbara · 28/12/2021 09:35

You need to tell him that you're on to him I.e.

"You said you'd take her out yesterday but didn't, so do you mean it this time or are you lying again? Because lying is a disease that kills relationships stone dead. So tell me now if you are actually going to take her or if you have just lied and have no intention of taking her at all?"

He's bound to not like being called out on this and it will probably get his back up, but you've let him set a precedent which needs to change, so you've got to make a stand and stand firm or he never will.

If he hasn't taken her out in half an hour/an hour ask him "when are you going to make your lie a truth and take the baby out as you said you would?"

Because this isn't a small problem you have, your husband is lying to you repeatedly and you are accepting that.

You may think that lying about watching the baby or doing the shopping are small things, but they are not. You are in a relationship with a man you cannot trust and cannot rely on. That (especially when you have kids) will end your relationship because it's trust and support that are the cornerstones to good co-parenting.

If this doesn't change you'll find yourself asking what's the point of him at all (if you haven't already).

GrowBabyGrow · 28/12/2021 09:37

He knows exactly what he is doing. Did he ever have to do anything for himself when he lived with his parents or did his mum do everything for him?

It's weaponised/ performative incompetence. Usually men (but I'm sure women do it too) who pretend that they can't do something or 'just didn't get round to it' so they ultimately never have to lift a finger. Usually a pattern learnt in childhood.

The best thing to do is to not let him get away with it! He may be a grown man but it's not too late to learn consequences and how to share domestic labour. What do you do when he doesn't follow through on something he has promised to help with? Do you begrudgingly do it quietly or do you tell him, you promised to do X so can you go do it now. Or even drive him and DD to the supermarket and then take yourself off for a haircut or a coffee for an hour.

I have seen this playing out constantly with my IL and now they are both retired my MIL is FINALLY standing her ground and not letting FIL get away with doing zero household chores. He's in his sixties.

He never ever did anything on his own with DH until they were teenagers (and then it was something he wanted to do) and DH says it meant he feels like he doesn't really know his dad which is sad.

santaclothes · 28/12/2021 09:37

I don't get the obsession with wanting him to take her out tbh. Why does he have to take her out?

Whinge · 28/12/2021 09:37

@Wavesanddots

I mostly rely on him financially. So leaving isn’t an option. And I wouldn’t anyway for something like this.
Ah so this goes so much deeper than him being an absent parent. Sad Do you have anyone you can spend a few days with, while you look at what you're actually getting out of this relationship.
PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 09:37

@Wavesanddots

I mostly rely on him financially. So leaving isn’t an option. And I wouldn’t anyway for something like this.
When you say something like this you're minimising just how big this issue is.

This isn't he forgets to put a new loo roll on or sometimes leaves the TV on standby. This man is refusing to parent his child.

Him providing for you financially doesn't give him a get out of jail free card for also being an equal parent.

JanglyBeads · 28/12/2021 09:40

Have you ever talked about how you need a break?

Do you plan to return to work any time soon?

Does he ever consider your needs in any meaningful way?

JuneFromBethesda · 28/12/2021 09:40

@santaclothes

I don't get the obsession with wanting him to take her out tbh. Why does he have to take her out?
OP explained, so she can have some time on her own at home without having to be on parent duty. Totally reasonable.
OverTheRubicon · 28/12/2021 09:40

Are all the furious posters noting the update where you say you have actually gone on nights out, so he definitely has had her alone?

He needs to step up and take her out by himself, you deserve time at home too. But it isn't like what you've implied in your op.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:41

It’s a big deal because I am struggling to get stuff done with DD around. She’s lovely but she’s a toddler and needs constant watching and makes constant noise. She wakes a lot and it would be great if I got a few hours to myself sometimes.

No, I don’t have anywhere to go and to be clear here I’m not saying I want to leave the relationship. I’m just acknowledging that even if I did want to leave I couldn’t.

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 09:42

@santaclothes

I don't get the obsession with wanting him to take her out tbh. Why does he have to take her out?
What don't you get? You can't just keep a child indoors forever because you can't be arsed to take them outside. Nor is it acceptable to get to the stage where your partner begging you to take them out the house to get 5 minutes peace.
Uniforn · 28/12/2021 09:43

@Wavesanddots

It’s a big deal because I am struggling to get stuff done with DD around. She’s lovely but she’s a toddler and needs constant watching and makes constant noise. She wakes a lot and it would be great if I got a few hours to myself sometimes.

No, I don’t have anywhere to go and to be clear here I’m not saying I want to leave the relationship. I’m just acknowledging that even if I did want to leave I couldn’t.

That's sad you'll put up with a rubbish partner and lazy father for the sake of money.
Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:44

She does go out frequently, it’s just it’s either me taking her or us taking her. It’s never really just with DH.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 28/12/2021 09:44

It’s a big deal because I am struggling to get stuff done with DD around. She’s lovely but she’s a toddler and needs constant watching and makes constant noise. She wakes a lot and it would be great if I got a few hours to myself sometimes.

Tell him exactly what you’ve said here. Agree that he will take her out at X time on X day. And
If he doesn’t do it keep asking him why he isn’t doing it.

I would also ask him why as her father he hasn’t yet taken her out alone. He may be worried about something- which he could talk about, or it could be that he just can’t be arsed!

JanglyBeads · 28/12/2021 09:44

Do you have supportive family and friends OP? Not that yr DH shouldn't take her out, but it's sounding like you have no other options for occasional childcare either?

toomuchlaundry · 28/12/2021 09:45

Does he get up in the night if she wakes up?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2021 09:45

"I’m just acknowledging that even if I did want to leave I couldn’t".

And why not?. Do you want to leave?. He is indeed doing the barest of bare minimums here re you and parenting his child. You would want better for your child surely?. Yes?. Demand better for yourself too and if that means not having him in your day to day life so be it.

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable and you do not want to hang yourself by your own petard by thinking to yourself that you could not leave.

Itonlytakesonetree · 28/12/2021 09:46

If I were him, I'd struggle with this. I'm very much a homebody and having to walk the streets for hours so you get an empty house would not thrill me. When DD was little I couldn't do groups or activities and if I couldn't do it as primary carer, I certainly couldn't do it if I had even less confidence.
I think you are going to have to spell it out and just make it really REALLY clear you need them to go out.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:46

Lizzie - I have tried to raise this but it just doesn’t happen. I think if I really pushed it he’d take her to the park for thirty minutes and that would be my lot! And it is really frustrating but I don’t think there’s anything much I can do about it. As someone said it’s classic teenage ‘yeah I’ll do it in a minute’ two weeks later you’re still waiting.

I don’t have anyone who would have DD for me Jangly no.

OP posts:
santaclothes · 28/12/2021 09:47

What don't you get? You can't just keep a child indoors forever because you can't be arsed to take them outside. Nor is it acceptable to get to the stage where your partner begging you to take them out the house to get 5 minutes peace.

I think it is the latter I don't get. The 5 mins peace thing. That is for separating the issues for me.

santaclothes · 28/12/2021 09:47

*thanks

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:47

I certainly don’t want him to walk the streets with her and I find it a bit weird you would do this instead of visiting grandparents, going to soft play, going to a farm, going to the park, visiting the library or going swimming. Why would you walk the streets, seriously?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 09:47

Sorry Santa what don’t you get?

OP posts:
JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 28/12/2021 09:51

DH regularly has DS without me, when he was small and I was on may leave DH took him out every Saturday morning for a few hours so I could lie in and relax. Would be be more likely of it was a planned activity so he didn't have to think? So swimming lesson followed by coffee/hot chocolate on a Saturday morning for example

santaclothes · 28/12/2021 09:51

OP explained, so she can have some time on her own at home without having to be on parent duty. Totally reasonable.

It's also totally reasonable to be able to do this while your child and partner are at home. I can't imagine DH ordering me out of the house so he could have time alone, or vice versa. How odd.