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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never has 12 month old DD alone

208 replies

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 08:47

I can’t work out if this is normal. I think in my NCT group it probably is normal but maybe we all have crap dads. In any case, they have support from their families which I don’t.

I’m not sure if I should raise it.

OP posts:
Didimum · 28/12/2021 15:47

I’m not talking about you taking my advice. I simply brought up my advice because you said I didn’t offer any, which was incorrect. I’m talking about you dismissing absolutely everyone’s advice. You have not replied once to anyone to ‘Thanks, X. I can certainly try that, I hope it makes a difference etc’.

Try not to interpret my responses as annoyance (this may be why you and your husband communicate poorly with each other?). I am simply being very plain in my language and, honestly, am very baffled by all of your responses to the very kind women here.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:55

I’m not finding it really helpful though @Didimum. Sometimes you post and have a vent and feel supported. It’s quite rare that people go from one annoyance, even a ‘serious’ annoyance (I’m obviously not including physical violence and sexual coercion in this) and straight to LTB. But making me justify why I post is just meaning I won’t post for support in future.

I may leave, I may stay … but if I do leave it won’t be now, or any time in the near future. If I don’t have support and just have argumentative posters getting up in my grill because I didn’t snap to attention immediately then like I say I won’t bother posting again. Hide the thread if it bugs you, but you won’t. You’ll carry on and it doesn’t make me suddenly see the light and think wow, you’re right, it makes me feel shit, is all it does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:57

While I do think he is lazy @southlondoner02 I wouldn’t say it is because he doesn’t care. It’s hard to explain. Lack of get up and go? I don’t know. But I really didn’t know this side to him before I gave birth and then it was a bit late. I did actually seriously think about leaving him then but I couldn’t, and I still can’t if I’m honest. Maybe when DD is older.

I know some of you will be annoyed at that but it’s true. I just can’t leave. I have nowhere to go!

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 15:59

It’s not normal. You have a crap relationship with a very lazy man who doesn’t care about you or your feelings at all. He isn’t interested in your child.

There you go! Now what?

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:59

Well yeah exactly … now what!?

OP posts:
Didimum · 28/12/2021 16:02

Well yeah exactly … now what!?

Maybe finding a therapist or counsellor would be more helpful to you, OP. They are probably more equipped to help you and your relationship. Better yet, tell him you are unhappy and ask that he goes with you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 16:03

@Wavesanddots

While I do think he is lazy *@southlondoner02* I wouldn’t say it is because he doesn’t care. It’s hard to explain. Lack of get up and go? I don’t know. But I really didn’t know this side to him before I gave birth and then it was a bit late. I did actually seriously think about leaving him then but I couldn’t, and I still can’t if I’m honest. Maybe when DD is older.

I know some of you will be annoyed at that but it’s true. I just can’t leave. I have nowhere to go!

He knew you were starving. He didn't get you food despite knowing that, being able to and being asked to. He didn't care enough about you to do that. I'm not sure what anyone can suggest if you wanted to know if it's normal (it's not, nor is it acceptable) or if you at some stage wanted some suggestions as we've all said you need to at least talk to him then consider your options re staying / leaving.

I can't bear how many women in their 20s and 30s meet and then spend decades with men who treat them so poorly. Even if breaking up meant being single for a long while (or forever!) that's infinitely better than being in a relationship with someone happy to watch you run yourself into the ground because they don't care enough about you to work as a team.

I hate the fact these blokes are smugly going to bed each night knowing their child is being cared for by someone else, someone else is cooking and cleaning for them and still shagging them. Makes me sick they are so entitled that they are happy to live that way. And they are unfortunately teaching their kids this is how it should be. And the cycle continues.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 16:08

Like I say. @Didimum I’m not really finding your posts helpful. I’ve no interest in therapy, I can’t afford it and I don’t have time. So I’ll continue to post here for now. If you don’t like it please just stop posting. It really is horrible feeling like you’re being shoved out of your own thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 16:09

And yet @youvegottenminuteslynn despite all that my life is also better than it was before I met him. It’s difficult to just turn away from that.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 16:11

@Wavesanddots

And yet *@youvegottenminuteslynn* despite all that my life is also better than it was before I met him. It’s difficult to just turn away from that.
I understand how hard that feels. Now that little one is here though, you also need to consider the long term impact on them of watching this relationship dynamic play out.

It teaches them that it's a woman's job to work plus do cooking, cleaning and childcare. And that it's a man's job to do what he wants when he wants. It's so, so damaging and fucks people up when it comes to their own relationships as adults.

Rebecca299 · 28/12/2021 16:12

My partner was the same when our first daughter was born he only really started going out and about alone with her when she was talking and walking. I do think it was a confidence thing but we have another child now and he's more hands on and will take her out but seems flustered.

Like you I nip out and stuff but it's not the same.

It's hard to have the conversation I don't envy you as I hate they sort of things. X

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 16:13

Thanks @Rebecca299, me too. I’m glad it isn’t just me although sorry you’ve been in this boat!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/12/2021 16:18

"But I really didn’t know this side to him before I gave birth and then it was a bit late. I did actually seriously think about leaving him then but I couldn’t, and I still can’t if I’m honest. Maybe when DD is older".

How old would you, let alone your DD, be then?. Delaying such potential separation for her sake neither helps you or for that matter your DD. Staying for the sake of the child rarely if ever works out well for anyone involved; there is plenty of anecdotal evidence of this on this site. Further years of indifference by then from your H will really leave you just further ground down and tired. You feel both unable and yes unwilling to leave; several years down the line won't change that but leave you feeling perhaps ever more trapped.

There may well have been some indications and likely were but these were overlooked, perhaps excused as a quirk of his by you so and therefore minimised.

What else is actively preventing you from leaving apart from " I have nowhere to go"?. You would not necessarily have to leave the marital home. If you were to take legal advice you would find out your options going forward rather than relying on hope for change and or your own suppositions that are not based on actual fact. Its not at all easy to leave but its a damn sight harder to stay with someone who acts like your H towards you. Would you want this for your DD as an adult, no.

Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 16:20

In 2021 you would have hoped that women had moved on from the expectation to do all the housework, cooking and childcare. Yet so many women accept this. We are not born to be men’s servants.

Original poster
Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 16:22

It’s a pretty big reason not to leave to be fair.

The home we currently share was his before we married.

Anyway I’m not leaving over him not taking her to the park or whatever. It’s the laziness which isn’t very appealing. I doubt I will leave. But the point is people can’t be shamed into it.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 16:24

People aren't trying to shame you, they're trying to help you look at this objectively.

Unfortunately, a girl who grows up in a home where her mum works plus cooking, cleaning and childcare while her dad does what he wants when he wants... is more likely to end up in a similar relationship when she herself is an adult.

At some point you'll need to decide if you can make your peace with the fact that staying with him and your daughter growing up witnessing this dynamic is worth it, if the cost is that she will likely be in a similar relationship in future.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 16:27

Anyway I’m not leaving over him not taking her to the park or whatever. It’s the laziness which isn’t very appealing.

That wouldn't be why you were leaving him.

It would be because he doesn't respect you enough to be an equal team mate in the relationship, because he is a crap dad who sees you as default parent and him as someone who can opt in to the fun bits, because he does shit like leaving you starving because he can't be arsed to go to the shop, because he uses delaying tactics that teenagers use to avoid basic adulting tasks, because he would rather you did absolutely everything and were exhausted than contribute fairly to the home, because he's a prick. That's just a few reasons.

Obviously it's up to you but he doesn't respect you enough or care about you enough to be a good partner or good dad. And you deserve more in a relationship. So does your DD when it comes to relationship modelling.

user15364596354862 · 28/12/2021 16:43

Anyway I’m not leaving over him not taking her to the park or whatever.

I haven't seen anybody suggest that would be the reason.

You just wanted a thread of people going "oh I know aren't men rubbish ha ha" rather than saying "this isn't normal and you deserve to be treated better" ?

billy1966 · 28/12/2021 16:46

OP,
Just protect yourself by not having more children with him.

THAT is one thing you can definitely do.

NowEvenBetter · 28/12/2021 17:30

Of course not parenting your own kid is not normal. But you want to keep show your kid this shit example of a marriage so…good luck.
‘He’s a good dad’ 🥴😂😂😂

NowEvenBetter · 28/12/2021 17:30

*showing

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 17:42

I think another way you can try and think with a clear head on this OP is "if I knew a woman who did as little with / for their child as my partner does with / for ours, would I really call her a lovely woman and a good mum?"

Because there's some internalised sexism at play here where you seem to think women should be held to a higher standard than men, which is exactly how the not good guys get away with this shit.

See also phrases in society like 'hands on dad' which are so bloody annoying, as you never hear a mother described as a 'hands on mum' as it's just expected. And men described as 'babysitting' to choruses of 'ooh he's given you the night off aren't you lucky!' even when both partners work full time so are able to be equally involved in parenting responsibilities.

We need to start expecting more and forgiving less.

Shebangshebong · 28/12/2021 18:16

You have a daughter. A future adult woman who will use you as her role model for boundaries and self esteem. I hope she has some stronger female relatives in her life.

JanglyBeads · 28/12/2021 19:03

Yes, you really need to think about how this will be influencing your little girl. And it will be, already.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/12/2021 19:15

What happens when you sit him down and say 'you always day you'll do something and after 4 times of reminding you, it's still not done. It makes me feel like a nag, it makes me feel like you don't listen to me, or just tell me what you think I want to hear without any intention of following through, which shows you dont care. What am I supposed to do when you dont follow through? If things don't change then I'm worried about the state of our marriage as for every thing you dont do, my list gets bigger. If we split up you would have to do all these things yourself and I'm sure youd manage'

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