Husband never has 12 month old DD alone

[Wavesanddots]

I can’t work out if this is normal. I think in my NCT group it probably is normal but maybe we all have crap dads. In any case, they have support from their families which I don’t.

I’m not sure if I should raise it.

See mine wouldn’t refuse, he’d just keep saying yeah I’ll do it until I did! Although he does sometimes change nappies tbf.

@Wavesanddots

See mine wouldn’t refuse, he’d just keep saying yeah I’ll do it until I did! Although he does sometimes change nappies tbf.

I'm sad that you admit he behaves like this but you still think he's a good parent. A good parent just gets on with it, they don't need telling or reminding and they sure as fuck don't just ignore a problem like a dirty nappy until someone else comes along to solve it for them.

Honestly OP you and your child deserve so much more and the fact you can't see he is a poor father and partner is quite depressing.

You can't really think he's a good dad OP? I don't mean that as a trite sarcastic comment, I think it's something you really need to think about in order to tackle this problem.

All things considered, do you think he is an adequately engaged and responsible parent who sees his child as just as much his responsibility as your responsibility? Or does he think you're default parent and he should get a pat on the back for doing the nice bits he enjoys?

Think you have set the bar really low if you think he is a good dad

Probably that last sentence @youvegottenminuteslynn but then it’s the same for most other people I know, it’s just they have a bit more support generally.

@Wavesanddots

Probably that last sentence *@youvegottenminuteslynn* but then it’s the same for most other people I know, it’s just they have a bit more support generally.

So he's not a good parent at all tehn is he. I promise you it's not the same for all fathers, just the shit ones.

Seriously if he's not actually adding anything to your lives why would you sysy
stay with him?

I can’t afford to live alone and anyway, it’s not really solving the problem, it’s just creating numerous other problems. None of which I feel equipped to deal with!

Find a class or group on a Saturday morning for them to do together. Book it, and tell him that's going to be their thing to do together. But don't make the same mistake I did and pick one a 5 minute walk away as that reduces your peace and quiet, something a good 20 mins each way is far better

These threads are so depressing. Women need to wake up.

@Wavesanddots

Probably that last sentence *@youvegottenminuteslynn* but then it’s the same for most other people I know, it’s just they have a bit more support generally.

But that just means that most other dads you know are rubbish dads too. I know it must be tough as your little one is here now but really, if you were to say to him genuinely 'I feel like you see me as default parent and it makes me feel anxious, sad and resentful because I thought you'd be a really engaged dad who wanted to have 1-1 time with the baby to bond and take equal responsibility for parenting. Surely that's something you want to change?" he would be able to see how shit he's being? And if you don't think he would make any real change after hearing that, he's a write off as a partner IMO. And don't forget you're teaching your child what relationships look like, what male / female dynamics look like etc. He'll learn women are for cooking, cleaning and childcare while men don't have to bother with that stuff.

Or you could give him the option that either he has her for 2 to 3 hours once a week, or he can pay for a nanny for a few hours. His choice

@Wavesanddots

It’s a big deal because I am struggling to get stuff done with DD around. She’s lovely but she’s a toddler and needs constant watching and makes constant noise. She wakes a lot and it would be great if I got a few hours to myself sometimes.

No, I don’t have anywhere to go and to be clear here I’m not saying I want to leave the relationship. I’m just acknowledging that even if I did want to leave I couldn’t.

Well you could get a job.

I work full time!

@Wavesanddots

I work full time!

Ok so you don’t depend on him financially and can’t leave!

@Wavesanddots

I work full time!

I'm assuming he doesn't pull his weight when it comes to cooking and cleaning either? So your son will be taught that women do everything while men do what they want when they want.

I don’t earn enough to be able to provide for a whole new home for me and DD and anyway, I don’t really want to.

There is no bigger problem than your child growing up seeing bad relationship modelling OP.

I think I remember your supermarket thread. He sounds selfish and lazy. He evidently does very little of the routine care for his child. And no, this is not the norm for dads - many actually like doing things with and for their children.

If you don't make clear statements about how you want to do things differently, though, nothing will change. Why would it? He's fine with the current set up. You may say you don't want to leave and can't, but you need an 'or else' to deploy here.

Start with saying you want to start alternating weekend lie ins. You get Saturday, he gets Sunday. It has to be that way round btw as otherwise he will have his lie in and not do yours. If he doesn't take baby downstairs and give them breakfast on the Saturday then he doesn't get his lie in on Sunday.

but you often ask him to do something and he won’t so you do it yourself

So turn this back on him. Stop doing the things you routinely do for him - I'm guessing cooking, laundry etc. When he asks if you can wash him some shirts, say 'yes, I'll do some tomorrow' and then just don't. That paves the way for a later conversation about how it's important that you both do your share and actually do what you say you're going to.W

@Wavesanddots

I don’t earn enough to be able to provide for a whole new home for me and DD and anyway, I don’t really want to.

With tax credits and the father paying proper child maintenance you probably can. The financial bit is just an excuse. So why else are you putting up with his behaviour?

Leave then, OP. Not going to? Then accept it as your life. No amount of complaining will fix this without your action. Honestly, can you not see you’re out of options?

Yeah that's not acceptable. My husband looked after our 3 day old baby alone for 6 hours, and has looked after him alone consistently since then. He takes him to soft play, takes him food shopping, does his bedtime routine, gets him ready and takes him to nursery every day etc. We share the childcare basically 50/50 and this is how it should be.

I do accept it, just wondered how normal it was. It probably isn’t worth raising it.

@Wavesanddots

I do accept it, just wondered how normal it was. It probably isn’t worth raising it.

It's definitely worth raising it or you are settling for a life of single parenting while he does what he likes.

@Wavesanddots

I do accept it, just wondered how normal it was. It probably isn’t worth raising it.

Why isn't it worth raising it and at least explaining how it makes you feel and how disappointing it is? Worst case scenario nothing changes, which you seem to have resigned yourself to anyway. Best case scenario it changes.

Unless you're scared of him or think that he'll be horrible to you for asking him to do basic parenting, I can't understand why you don't think it's worth even raising with him?

It’s not normal, except amongst crap fathers.

You seem to want to think that lots of others are in the same boat and that you have few choices. Yes, many fathers/partners are crap but many are not. And you do have choices.

Including asking him to share the parenting if, for the moment, you don’t want to end the relationship.

If you do stay would think hard before ttc DC2: two DC with a crap father/partner would be even harder.