Page 7 | Husband never has 12 month old DD alone

Wavesanddots · 2021-12-28T08:47:24+00:00

I can’t work out if this is normal. I think in my NCT group it probably is normal but maybe we all have crap dads. In any case, they have support from their families which I don’t. I’m not sure if I should raise it.

Didimum · 28/12/2021 14:32

Normal, common and acceptable are not the same things. Only you can decide if it’s acceptable or not. It being ‘common’ does not mean other mothers are happy about it or accept it. I’m really unsure what you’re looking for in this post.

Original poster

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 14:43

I’m feeling like I have to justify why I posted, @Didimum which I’m sure isn’t your intention.

OP posts:

JanglyBeads · 28/12/2021 14:45

You said you weren't sure if you should raise it with him.

I think you've got an answer here.

Didimum · 28/12/2021 14:46

It is my intention. You’ve said you want to know if it’s normal, people have said it’s only normal for crap dads. You’ve asked if you should raise it, people have said yes, but you say there’s no point. So, yes, what are you looking for?

Original poster

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 14:51

Just wondering what it’s like for others.

To be honest I’m now wondering why you posted.

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Didimum · 28/12/2021 14:56

I’m posting because I gave you advice, because it seems like you wanted it, as did many others. But all you’re doing is telling everyone how unworkable their advice is.

For me, my husband and I parent 50/50. He takes the kids out frequently, he gets them up and dressed, he takes time out of work to do doctors appointments etc. That’s normal for our family.

Whinge · 28/12/2021 14:58

@Wavesanddots

Just wondering what it’s like for others.

To be honest I’m now wondering why you posted.

You've been told it's not nomal, except for crap fathers, but still seem to think your DH is a good dad.

I don't see the point in why you posted. You originally said should I raise it with him and the overwhelming answer is yes.

However, if you refuse to discuss it with him and are happy to carry on as you are at least make it clear you just want to rant. Many posters have given sensible advice, which is a waste of time as you have no itention of doing anything about the situation.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 14:58

Why isn't it worth raising it and at least explaining how it makes you feel and how disappointing it is? Worst case scenario nothing changes, which you seem to have resigned yourself to anyway. Best case scenario it changes.

Unless you're scared of him or think that he'll be horrible to you for asking him to do basic parenting, I can't understand why you don't think it's worth even raising with him?

Original poster

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:00

I’m sorry if you feel annoyed I’ve rejected your advice. As I said earlier I don’t think politely explaining something won’t work is a rejection - but I’m afraid I can’t just do something over and over because someone on MN might be upset if I don’t!

I’m not scared of him but I do feel frustrated with him sometimes.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 28/12/2021 15:02

Don’t have another child OP. Not unless this is resolved.
I feel like you are too scared to raise the issue with him. That’s not normal either . Please reconsider your options. Is it a problem to afford child care on your own?? Look at prioritising your career so you can progress up the ladder and earn more. Free hours will kick in in a couple of years. You may not feel you can leave now but you can work towards it.

Original poster

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:04

No, I’m not scared at all. Just honestly can’t see the point because he will just say he will and then won’t and then you’re at a bit of a stalemate.

OP posts:

Whinge · 28/12/2021 15:08

@Wavesanddots

No, I’m not scared at all. Just honestly can’t see the point because he will just say he will and then won’t and then you’re at a bit of a stalemate.

So why bother asking for advice and support from other posters when you already knew you weren't going to discuss it with him?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 28/12/2021 15:11

@Wavesanddots

No, I’m not scared at all. Just honestly can’t see the point because he will just say he will and then won’t and then you’re at a bit of a stalemate.

No, because then you say 'I've noticed that you keep saying you'll do things but then you just don't. I'm not happy about that and it needs to change'.

Why would that be impossible?

Original poster

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:11

I was wondering what it was like for others. I have no idea why people are getting so grumpy because I’m not doing exactly what they say.

It once took me seventy two hours to get him to go out for milk. He just refuses. Says oh yeah I’ll go in a bit and then he doesnt. And it is really bloody annoying. Mostly I just do stuff myself but as I’ve discovered when it comes to parenting that means things are really imbalanced. It’s frustrating and it’s exhausting and I won’t apologise for wanting a bit of a vent about it on relationships. That doesn’t mean I can or want to walk out and leave. I have nowhere to go, and as I said before, I’d be bringing a whole host of other problems into my life which would make the current ones look fairly mild!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:13

But the thing is @Skiptheheartsandflowers with what he does it can keep going indefinitely. He would say ok yeah I will change … and wouldn’t.

So you say something like … we need milk, can you nip to the co op. Please can you get milk. Dh, we are out of milk, can you go out? Dh I have asked you to get milk, will you go? Every time assurances that yes I’m going and then doesn’t. It gets pretty stressful!

OP posts:

Signoramarella · 28/12/2021 15:15

Yeah I had this. 12 years later and I left the useless ex behind . He totally opted out. Make a stand now , state your boundaries. Else you'll be taken for a fool for years as I was......

Didimum · 28/12/2021 15:16

Well there you go then. Sadly you’re out of options that you feel will work. You’ve no choice except to get on with it.

Honestly, it’s like talking to a brick wall.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 15:21

But OP gently, you keep saying this about him saying he'll do stuff then not doing it as if we aren't understanding that's what he does. We do understand it. It's a lazy delaying tactic that shit partners and shit husbands use so that when the woman eventually just does the thing herself, if they dare to be resentful about it, the bloke feels entitled to say "I said I would do it but you did it yourself". It's tale as old as time, shitty, entitled, lazy and pathetic behaviour from him.

What people can't understand is why you are not only tolerating this behaviour but not even communicating to him how it makes you feel.

I can only assume that you already know he won't really care how you feel so won't make any real effort to change.

In which case, people are just being on your side in a way, frustrated that another woman is going to potentially spend decades with a man happy to watch her work full time, do the housework and do the parenting while he does what he wants when he wants.

It's fucking pathetic of him. It's so incredibly selfish and earlier you called him a lovely man and a good dad which is just baffling. He isn't. He's treating you like shit!

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 28/12/2021 15:23

@Wavesanddots

But the thing is *@Skiptheheartsandflowers* with what he does it can keep going indefinitely. He would say ok yeah I will change … and wouldn’t.

So you say something like … we need milk, can you nip to the co op. Please can you get milk. Dh, we are out of milk, can you go out? Dh I have asked you to get milk, will you go? Every time assurances that yes I’m going and then doesn’t. It gets pretty stressful!

Ok so then there needs to be consequences. I get that you are currently saying you don't want to leave or end the relationship. There must be some leverage before it gets to that though. What do you do for him that you could stop doing, and that would be noticed? Cooking, laundry, ironing, picking things upI, buying food he particularly likes, keeping in touch with his family...? You need to - as I said earlier - withdraw those things. He can then feel what it's like when you have a partner who doesn't support you.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 28/12/2021 15:23

Do you have deliveroo for groceries in your area? this was a game changer for me - i use them at least once a week to pick up stuff I forgot to get at the supermarket.

They get groceries to you within 30 minutes. So I would ask him once, then get deliveroo to bring them. Perhaps he'll be a bit more proactive then.

Also, it's very abusive what he's doing. He is effectively making you a prisoner.

Original poster

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:24

I don’t understand why it bothers you @Didimum. Tbh it feels like you just came on the thread spoiling for a fight, which is difficult to understand. You personally didn’t offer advice (unless you name changed) you just immediately got aggressive and arsey because I hadn’t taken other peoples advice - it’s a strange way to behave.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I’ve tried but I’ve learned I just end up upset and frustrated and obviously I don’t like feeling like that.

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Whinge · 28/12/2021 15:27

@youvegottenminuteslynn

But OP gently, you keep saying this about him saying he'll do stuff then not doing it as if we aren't understanding that's what he does. We do understand it. It's a lazy delaying tactic that shit partners and shit husbands use so that when the woman eventually just does the thing herself, if they dare to be resentful about it, the bloke feels entitled to say "I said I would do it but you did it yourself". It's tale as old as time, shitty, entitled, lazy and pathetic behaviour from him.

What people can't understand is why you are not only tolerating this behaviour but not even communicating to him how it makes you feel.

I can only assume that you already know he won't really care how you feel so won't make any real effort to change.

In which case, people are just being on your side in a way, frustrated that another woman is going to potentially spend decades with a man happy to watch her work full time, do the housework and do the parenting while he does what he wants when he wants.

It's fucking pathetic of him. It's so incredibly selfish and earlier you called him a lovely man and a good dad which is just baffling. He isn't. He's treating you like shit!

This is a fantastic post, and i'm really sorry that the Op has completely dismissed your thoughtful advice.

Didimum · 28/12/2021 15:34

Yep - I did offer advice on page 5, which is the first page on which I posted. I said “You sit him down, you tell him you are unhappy and the reason, you tell him what you need from him and come to a compromise. If he doesn’t step up then you have to escalate the consequences. If there are not further consequences that you want to implement, then you just have to accept it.”

You have 7 pages worth of women taking time out of their days to offer you thoughtful, practical, well-meaning advice. Your responses are dismissive and it’s an insult to their time and thoughtfulness. Make it abundantly clear you are simply looking to rant or stop wasting everyone’s time.

Original poster

Wavesanddots · 28/12/2021 15:40

I think you need to step away tbh.

It’s really strange you’re getting this annoyed about it. And it’s a bit arrogant to assume that after you’ve posted I should do exactly as you say.

OP posts:

southlondoner02 · 28/12/2021 15:45

Well he doesn't appear to care about you or your child.

To answer your question, no this isn't normal. Not all the men I know split childcare 50/50 but all of them carve out time alone with their children- doing bedtime every night, taking them swimming, taking them to the park every Saturday morning while their partner has a lie in etc.

The fact that he won't even go and get milk, or food when you're hungry really shows how little he cares. You need to decide whether you're going to put up with it. You could

put up with it but get more and more resentful
properly speak to him about how you feel and see if it makes a difference
stop doing anything for him - cooking, washing etc since he seems to do nothing for you
start making plans to leave

I don't think I could honestly remain in a relationship with someone who cared so little for me and my child