Husband never has 12 month old DD alone

[Wavesanddots]

I can’t work out if this is normal. I think in my NCT group it probably is normal but maybe we all have crap dads. In any case, they have support from their families which I don’t.

I’m not sure if I should raise it.

So what does he say when you tell him you need some time alone to do work?

No I’m not WFH. I just sometimes need to prepare stuff outside of my actual working hours.

Cross posted but that's still pretty rubbish, surely any decent partner would allow this to happen without their other half needing to beg?

He’s NOT a ‘good dad’ or good partner if he almost never takes his DC anywhere!

You’ve also said that even before DC you couldn’t rely on him, eg to go to the supermarket.

There is a thread elsewhere on MN on tactics men use to avoid sharing domestic work and parenting. Your H is doing a common one: just quietly, consistently not doing things.

It’s not OK.

I'd start by saying I've done all the bedtimes so far. Now it's time to take turns so you can do tonight. And to make sure it happens I would probably nip out for half an hour. Insist.

Then I would say I need some time at home without DD so let's look for an activity you can take her to. Is there a local dads and toddlers coffee time? Or some other little activity? Then say right I need you to take her to this every week because I am doing all of it.

Get firm and specific.

@Wavesanddots

If I say that he doesn’t. Doesn’t refuse, just doesn’t do it.

He doesn’t have her totally alone a lot. As I say, she is 12 months and I’ve had two nights out in that time, so I’m not on the lash every weekend and I’ve popped to the shops and been to the gym. That’s all fine. But what I would like is a little bit of time to recharge and get a break at home and he never takes her out!

Your original post says that he never has her alone. But he does - you say you've been to the shops without her, to the gym, out with friends. So I wouldn't say he never has her - he obviously does. What you actually want is for him to take her out and to leave you at home - well say so then.

Good dads and partners can also capably attend to and entertain the DC at home when their partner wants or needs quiet time and physical space at home to work, rest, do a hobby or whatever.

@Dozer

Good dads and partners can also capably attend to and entertain the DC at home when their partner wants or needs quiet time and physical space at home to work, rest, do a hobby or whatever.

And mum always has to be the one to take them outside? Lots of trying to justify lazy men who can't be bothered.

This is interesting.
I have posted on a few threads recently from women who hought their partners were being very unreasonable by wanting to 'take their baby away' when they 'didn' t feel ready'.
In the main, they were strongly supported by other posters, who seemed outraged that the baby's dad might actually get to spend some time alone with their own child.
The dad was unreasonable, selfish, not putting his partner first, and in some cases, apparently controlling and abusive for wanting to take the baby for a walk without mum's 'permission'.
One poster had a nine month old and still didn't feel able to 'allow' her partner to look after his baby.
So, wise people of MN, when does it change from being unreasonable to want to look after the baby to being unreasonable not to do so?
Because it seems to me that in some cases, partners just can not win.

No, uniform, as my posts stated, good dads and partners capably parent their DC in various locations

V much doubt those were actually the views the majority of MN posters stated, katy.

Not sure what you’re looking for here, OP. Perhaps just commiserations? You’re rejecting all the ideas, alternatives and solutions presented to you. So if you’re not going to do anything about it, accept it and stay miserable

I get that from a newborn perspective Katy but DD is twelve months, an active toddler, and no one’s suggesting he takes her away for the weekend. I’m literally looking for 2-3 hours sometimes.

@Didimum there’s a massive difference between rejecting an idea and explaining it wouldn’t work. I would never be so rude as to reject an idea but if I’ve already tried something and got nowhere I can say so can’t I?

I couldn’t cope with this myself to be honest. And would call him out on the saying he will but he won’t. It’s pretty unbelievable he wouldn’t actually take her to a class. What if you said let’s all go visit your parents, got her ready, looked like you were getting ready, and at the front door push him out, hand him baby, and say now listen, you are for the first time ever going to take your own child out. I need to get work done, and am going to have to start dropping her off at your work if that’s the only bloody way I can get you to give me a couple of hours to concentrate on it. Buckle her into her car seat, go visit your parents, they are expecting you, and once you have survived the trauma of taking your own child out, we can talk about how it’s going to work going forward. I don’t want you back here before .

Have you got a room you can go into to do some work and shut the door? Tell DH you don’t want to be disturbed and if he disturbs you, tell him to go away, every time. Would he then get the message?

Is there another dad he could meet up with?

@Troublesometooth

My DH rarely has the children alone. But that’s because he works all week and then at the weekend if he was taking them out then I would go to so we can spend time as a family.

Do you sit with your feet up all day?

I’m sorry but it’s absolutely not normal and really quite pathetic!! Stop allowing this 😳

He sounds awful and he does know EXACTLY what he is doing.

He is a liar too.

He says he will do something and then doesn't.

So he is NOT trustworthy either.

Make sure your contraception is sorted.
This is not a man to have more children with.

He's a shit husband and a shit father.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

Focus on your job and having your own money.

@Katyppp

This is interesting. I have posted on a few threads recently from women who hought their partners were being very unreasonable by wanting to 'take their baby away' when they 'didn' t feel ready'. In the main, they were strongly supported by other posters, who seemed outraged that the baby's dad might actually get to spend some time alone with their own child. The dad was unreasonable, selfish, not putting his partner first, and in some cases, apparently controlling and abusive for wanting to take the baby for a walk without mum's 'permission'. One poster had a nine month old and still didn't feel able to 'allow' her partner to look after his baby. So, wise people of MN, when does it change from being unreasonable to want to look after the baby to being unreasonable not to do so? Because it seems to me that in some cases, partners just can not win.

I saw those threads aswell and that was the majority opinion ..

@Justgettingbye I was trying to find the threads, but couldn't.
Most posters certainly did agree that dad was being very unreasonable in wanting to take his baby out.
In fact, the answers were similar to the ones on this thread, hence my question about when is the magical time when it switches from being controlling to want to spend time with baby to being 'a shit husband and a shit father' for not doing so?
I am guessing at about 6-8 months, but I wonder if this is ever communicated to the partners or are they expected to be psychic?

But you are rejecting the ideas. Sorry but ‘I’ve tried to raise it but nothing changes’ isn’t really cutting it. You sit him down, you tell him you are unhappy and the reason, you tell him what you need from him and come to a compromise. If he doesn’t step up then you have to escalate the consequences. If there are not further consequences that you want to implement, then you just have to accept it. He’s not going change unless you change the way you respond.

What consequences though?

Consequences eg you walk out the door (at a time to suit you) and stay out a while

But then I’m only punishing myself - he doesn’t mind staying in particularly I don’t think.

Ah no, OK. So he is definitely happy with staying in and looking after yr DD?

The most obvious consequence - and this is at the heart of the matter in one sense - is that you feel frustrated, sad, angry - tell him that.

My ex was like this with ds would never change a nappy either untill one day ds was about 6 months old and needed a nappy change he refused todo it yet again so I put my coat on told him I will be back when am back and walked out. He had no choice then todo ds nappy infact all of them that day including dinner,tea and bath time I got home for bedtime after a day of shopping and seeing friends I hadn't seen in ages.
Ex started doing alot more for ds after that day and quickly realised that ds was our responsibility not just mine. I would rather be single than have a partner that can't be bothered with their offspring.