“When the time is right”

[Nannyplum5]

Is all DP says when I ask him about marriage. When will the time ever be right after 9 years? Obviously haven’t had a proposal which does sting a bit as I always think if he really wanted to marry me then he’d have asked. I’ve also suggested to him about just setting a date which he answers with “when the time is right”Last night his friend phoned him and told him he’d just got engaged. After coming off the phone I asked him if he thinks we’ll ever get married. His answer was “probably” I can’t lie, marriage means a lot to me and it hurts knowing that by the sounds of it he doesn’t want to. Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me? I know I can’t force him to get married but I’m just left wondering why I’m not good enough to marry. It’s really getting me down

You'll get posters coming along saying 'he doesn't want to marry you ' but I got engaged after 9 years . The difference was that my now DH never said 'probably ' , he said he wanted to get married . We were in our teens when we got together too so we would have been too young to get engaged after a couple of years.

Has he got a lot of assets he's trying to protect ? Did his parents divorce ?

Stop waiting for him to make the decision?
Tell him you want to get married next year and pick a date. See how he reacts.

@ExplodingCarrots No, no assets and his parents were never married. They split up when he was 3

@thedevilinablackdress I’ll try that but I doubt I’ll get anywhere! I did mention to him about setting a date but he pretty much said no

I'm sorry OP but I don't think he will ever do it. Does he know how important it is to you? If he does and still won't then it's because he doesn't want to marry you, and you have a decision to make.
If he thinks you're not bothered either way then why would you get married?

Marriage just isn't important to some people. It's not about whether you're good enough.
You need to be clear that marriage is important to you and get to the bottom of any reservations he has.
My DH wasn't particularly fussed about getting married but when I told him I wanted to (and did not want a big wedding of any sort) he was happy to get married.

It depends a bit on how old you are I think. My friends took 10 years to get engaged but they met when they were 18. So if you're in your mid 20s I'd say the time may yet be right. If you're late 20s/early 30s and want kids I'd start thinking about leaving. If you're mid 30s+ and want kids then you need to leave yesterday. If you already have kids then it's dealer's choice really but in my experience if a man is still reluctant to get married after having kids then there isn't much that will move things along because they already have a comfy domestic set up and there are no real bargening chips left. Of course if you need a bargening chip to get a proper commitment then is it really worth having? More details needed is what I'm saying.

You say marriage means a lot to you but he probably doesn’t think it does if you’ve got to 9 years and it hasn’t been a deal breaker.

How do you feel about never being married if you stay with him?

When you ask him when the time is right what exactly does he say?

Roughy how old are you both?

It either really matters to you in which case I’d leave him and try to find someone who shares your dreams, or accept it doesn’t and won’t happen with him.

How important is it to you? Important enough that you would leave if it wasn't an option? If so then you need to tell him that you either get married or you're finding someone who does want that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a person not wanting to get married either but they should definitely be upfront with their partner about that so they're not stringing them along

Why is he making all the decisions? Why don't you have a say.
If that was me I would give an ultimatum with my plans for leaving explaining why being a GF all my life is not what I want and then mean it.
If you get the same old nonsense then leave.

@AnneLovesGilbert I’d feel like I’d have wasted my time on being with someone who makes me feel as if I’m not good enough and on someone who makes me question if he is 100% committed. That may not be the case, but that’s how he makes me feel. When I ask him what he means by it it’s “don’t know, just when I feel ready” I am 28 he’s 29

My husband took 9 years to propose to me. But I was only 18 when we got together. As a pp said it depends on your age really. We had to talked a lot about getting married and having kids. I really wanted to be married first and so did he. It was getting to the point where i was wanting us to start ttc being 27 and i think he started to realise that he wanted to too.

My now DH wasn't fussed, and for the first 5years neither was I.
That changed and I told him how I felt, we were married 6 months later.
I think it's time to tell him to shit or get off the oit, if this is a deal breaker for you op.

At 28 I'd be asking myself some serious questions about whether I wanted kids and if so giving him maybe 1 more year max to "be ready" (and that would need to include setting a firm date for the wedding not just starting a "how long is a piece of string?" engagement).

Well, you asked him to set a date (basically asked him to marry you), and he effectively said no.

If he's 29, and still doesn't know after 9 years whether he wants to marry you or not, and can't give any reasons why, and shuts down all conversations regarding it - he doesn't want to marry you. More importantly he doesn't really care about your feelings on it either.

As to why he'd stay with you? The same reason people stay in crummy jobs they hate. Comfort, convenience, change is scary, and they haven't found anything better yet.

You're young enough to leave, and start again.

Have you asked him what this actually means? It's very nonspecific and in any other aspect of live we would push for specifics eg 'when will I get a promotion', when you've achieved x y and z. He at least needs to be honest with you about why he doesn't want it and what his thoughts and feelings and plans are instead of just fobbing you off with a meaningless soundbite. You deserve that

Honestly I’d ditch him. This was one of the many reasons I left my ex. It was very important to me but I didn’t want him marrying me with a gun to his head, so to speak

Strangely enough, within days of me leaving he messaged to say he was booking our wedding. Erm, ok but I won’t be there

Don't let him fob you off with the ' its just a piece of paper' spiel. I've never wanted to get married but I know it's more that 'just a piece of paper' - hate that !!
I've lost a relationship over my failure to commit but I made my feelings known after a year . He's strung you along over something he knows is important to you .

When is the time going to be right then? Never

He’s not going to marry you

Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me?

I think ask yourself the same, why are you hanging around for 9 years wanting to be married and it not happening? Sorry op, I don't think he wants to be married.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick Yes he says “when I feel ready” or it’s sometimes “I don’t know, just when the times right” so he doesn’t even answer the question

@TeapotCollection love that The gun to his head is exactly how I feel too

Why is this the man's decision? Isn't it your life too?
The woman waits for a man's proposal?
Discuss your future, be honest, talk about how you see yourselves 5, 10, whatever years from now.
It's not a Jane Austen novel.

I hope you’re using good contraception. Please whatever you do, don’t have DCs (or at least if you do have them, make sure you return to work asap and don’t put yourself at a financial disadvantage by becoming a SAHM) with a man who doesn’t want to commit to you.

FWIW I’ve just ended a 9 year relationship. It was ended for other reasons, but a big factor for my dissatisfaction was that he had no intention of ever marrying me, but strung me along with promises of “things will change a lot in the next 5-10 years” since the beginning. Nearly 10 years later and we were further from marriage than we’d ever been.

I was always careful to say “IF we ever get married, this will be our first dance song” “IF we ever get married I’d like it to be an afternoon tea party” etc as I didn’t want to come across as pushy, but the more money he earned the more he started talking about us as separate entities and it became clear that he had no intention of sharing his life with me as a proper partner, I would just be a glorified housemate.

Recently I even grovelled to the point of asking for an engagement that would never actually end in marriage, but would at least be a step up from perpetual girlfriend. Not my finest moment and I instantly regretted it, but when you’re desperate for a commitment you’ll take anything!

We both already have DCs from previous relationships so that wasn’t a factor for me but for you, if you’re looking to have children you need to make sure he’s fully committed to your future together or move on asap. If he’s waiting for someone better to come along then let him find her. Better than tying yourself to a man who feels like he’s settled - you deserve better

I mean, this all comes down to how much control you're going to cede to this man. You want to get married, he wants to wait until the time is right (if it ever is). Now you need to decide if you want to hang around to see if that time ever comes. Until you make that choice, he's in charge.

He's stringing you along, op. He does not want to get married. Take control of your life and move on.

Do you want children? If so - MOVE ON.

Or at least - tell him you're going to.

Don't, whatever you do, have children without marriage.

Tell him quite matter of factly that you're moving towards 30 and so sorry but if he's not up for marriage, this isn't the relationship for you. So you're going to split.

Then see what happens.