Page 7 | “When the time is right”

Original poster

Nannyplum5 · 15/12/2021 23:46

@ncmummy So to hear that. It’s crap isn’t it

OP posts:

Original poster

Nannyplum5 · 15/12/2021 23:46

@ncmummy that was meant to say “sorry to hear that”

OP posts:

lisaandalan · 15/12/2021 23:48

Maybe he doesn't see marriage like you do, like it is not important to him only a piece of paper maybe ?
That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. X

ProudThrilledHappy · 15/12/2021 23:53

@lisaandalan

Maybe he doesn't see marriage like you do, like it is not important to him only a piece of paper maybe ? That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. X

You may be right but op has made it clear it is important to her, so if it’s not on the cards he needs to be honest instead of stringing her along with empty promises. She is entitled to full disclosure so she can decide if she is also happy to live without marriage

Derelicthome · 16/12/2021 00:00

If you truly love someone it doesn’t matter if marriage isn’t important to you, if you know it’s important to your partner, you don’t string them along wasting their youth and fertility years.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 16/12/2021 00:41

Op at the same age I was into a 9 year relationship where I am ashamed to say he wouldn’t even commit to moving in together, and for a long time that was all I could focus on until… I just gave up, lost the impetus, started doing other things with my life and dumped him. He was totally shocked and tried to talk me out of it and I even tried to stay for a while but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted kids, or marriage, I just didn’t want it to be completely ruled out for me because someone other than me had decided that. I loved him but I do regret that I lost my twenties waiting for something that would never happen. Sadly, not long after we split he died. Sometimes I think he wasted his twenties with someone he wasn’t fully committed to.

I went on and met my DH, we had a very long engagement but that wasn’t an issue, also had DC first due to lack of time! If you get out now OP I guarantee you will have a great time and meet someone on your terms.

Ilady · 16/12/2021 01:18

I was sorry to hear what he said to you. I know it's crap and your not happy but maybe long term he has done you a favour. He shown you his true colours. You good enough to go out with until he thinks his someone better comes into his life. Then I can guarantee he cheat on for a while until he finds out what his new lady friend has to offer. She will probably get pregnant quickly as well.

So at this stage I tell him that you can't afford to hang around waiting for him to grow up so you have decided to end things with him. If you stay with him he won't change his mind and just be thankful now that you don't have a child with him. You deserve to be with someone who thinks your wonderful and wants to get married and have a family.

Warpedfrailty · 16/12/2021 04:20

@lisaandalan

Maybe he doesn't see marriage like you do, like it is not important to him only a piece of paper maybe ? That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. X

Maybe but in my experience these men often do get married quite quickly to someone else once the 'I don't want to get married' relationship ends

Dontbekatty · 16/12/2021 07:40

That update from you made me rage op - that’s so cruel. He’s dangling you. So disrespectful. I’ve seen it before in my circle of friends, friend was with her dp for years willing him to marry her. He ‘wasn’t into marriage’ - he dangled her for years. She waited and waited. Eventually he went off with another girl and married her and now has two kids. My friend feels she ‘gave her best years’ to him. Get out while you’re young.

WTF475878237NC · 16/12/2021 07:43

I think he's basically confirmed everyone's thoughts here about future faking you. You're good enough for now, not forever. It's very disrespectful.

Suprima · 16/12/2021 08:10

@Nannyplum5

Is all DP says when I ask him about marriage. When will the time ever be right after 9 years? Obviously haven’t had a proposal which does sting a bit as I always think if he really wanted to marry me then he’d have asked. I’ve also suggested to him about just setting a date which he answers with “when the time is right”Last night his friend phoned him and told him he’d just got engaged. After coming off the phone I asked him if he thinks we’ll ever get married. His answer was “probably” I can’t lie, marriage means a lot to me and it hurts knowing that by the sounds of it he doesn’t want to. Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me? I know I can’t force him to get married but I’m just left wondering why I’m not good enough to marry. It’s really getting me down

Why would we stay with you 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry you?

Because you’ll shag him, clean for him, cook for him and create him a nice cosy life with female companionship until he meets the woman he really does want to marry

Suprima · 16/12/2021 08:12

@Nannyplum5 and don’t have a baby with him as compensation for your lack of commitment- he’ll sell this as the ‘real commitment’ because children are forever and marriage is a piece of paper. Don’t let him use you as a broodmare.

NoNameHere12 · 16/12/2021 08:12

Thank god you don’t have kids, do not have any until your married as women really do get screwed over, even by the “loveliest guy”

Trust me, I know!

AngelonTopoftheTree · 16/12/2021 09:19

I'm so sad to read your update OP. Does he really expect you to wait around until you're 40- something for him to propose? What if he's still not ready then, do you want until 50-something? 60?
If you were both on the same page of course this would be fine, but you want to be married and you want to be married to someone who WANTS to be married to you.
I think you're coming to a realisation that this is not the relationship you want, will it ever be? Are you happy with that?
Take care of yourself, it's a tough decision either way. Do you leave and give yourself a chance of falling in love and marrying someone else? Do you give up on your wish to be married in order to stay with him?
If you do leave him, please don't fall for him proposing after the fact.

Original poster

Nannyplum5 · 16/12/2021 09:31

I have come to realise that the relationship, on his part, is based on the fact that he is comfortable, has somewhere to live, someone to sleep with etc. Let’s be honest, if he really wanted to me marry me he would have now. I still have the “probably” answer stuck in my mind. That one hurts the most for some reason

OP posts:

FrenchBoule · 16/12/2021 09:34

@Dontbekatty

That update from you made me rage op - that’s so cruel. He’s dangling you. So disrespectful. I’ve seen it before in my circle of friends, friend was with her dp for years willing him to marry her. He ‘wasn’t into marriage’ - he dangled her for years. She waited and waited. Eventually he went off with another girl and married her and now has two kids. My friend feels she ‘gave her best years’ to him. Get out while you’re young.

This.

His comment is outrageous and does not bide well for the future,married or not.He doesn’t love you,you’re just a convenient housemate.

At least you know where you stand OP.Take it as a huge Christmas gift from life that you found out now and not 10 years later.
Take charge of your own life,pack your bags(or his)and find somebody who wants the same things in life.
You only have one life,don’t waste it on somebody who doesn’t appreciate you.

ESGdance · 16/12/2021 09:48

Wow. He is nasty. He isn’t even trying to future fake you - he is incredibly disrespectful and actively hurtful to you. What an emotional punch. Well done to you for bringing it up on here and then going back to him - you have done all you can. You are not in denial. You now have an active and informed choice to make. When that happens is in your timescale.

If he rocked up this evening and whisked you off to NYC to propose on top of the Empire State Building - I would run a mile. I hope that you have the ick now and don’t fall or beg for anything else.

I suspect that the moment he senses his cosy life will be disrupted he will panic and promise and propose. Please don’t fall for this - it is self serving and manipulative. You won’t get what you want, deserve and need from it.

This relationship is done. Take your time to slowly come to terms with that - detach emotionally in your head and then start planning your future life with a someone fabulous who cherishes you.

Original poster

Nannyplum5 · 16/12/2021 09:51

@ESGdance I definitely have the ick! That’s exactly how I feel. Even if he did end up proposing, I don’t think I’d want him to now. I feel like he’s already ruined it. Last night we were sat watching tv and all I wanted to do was tell him to leave.

OP posts:

RedRobyn2021 · 16/12/2021 09:57

OP I've been with my partner 7 years and I know this feeling

I'm 30 and he is 35, we had a baby this year too

When I ask him if we will ever get married he says "we will get married" but he does say the "when the time is right" and "when we can afford it"

Every time I see someone else I know get engaged I feel really upset. They are generally younger and have been together less time.

I just think he can't be bothered tbh. Which hurts.

Dontbekatty · 16/12/2021 10:02

You’re worth more than this op. Another man out there will be lucky to marry you.

ESGdance · 16/12/2021 10:03

@RedRobyn2021

OP I've been with my partner 7 years and I know this feeling

I'm 30 and he is 35, we had a baby this year too

When I ask him if we will ever get married he says "we will get married" but he does say the "when the time is right" and "when we can afford it"

Every time I see someone else I know get engaged I feel really upset. They are generally younger and have been together less time.

I just think he can't be bothered tbh. Which hurts.

The time is right - right now for your child and for you and your child’s financial security. Don’t get distracted with a big white show off fantasy wedding - focus on putting the basic secure legal and financial foundations in place for your baby. Make this happen - and if you can’t 100% ensure that YOU have a career and can support your DC as a single parent if you need to.

ESGdance · 16/12/2021 10:15

“Last night we were sat watching tv and all I wanted to do was tell him to leave.”

Pay attention to that and any other emotions / feelings come up - make space and take time to observe and respect them - don’t push them away. In time your instincts will consolidate and give you the answers and direction. If you ignore / repress your feelings you just live a fake external life and a painful internal life.

Agree with PP - you will look back on this moment and realise how critical is was for your life path - he has inadvertently given you a fabulous Christmas gift of insight and clarity so you can make an informed choice about how you want to live your life.

I wouldn’t waste too much time regretting the last 9 years if there isn’t anything sinister going on - you had some laughs, love and experiences in your twenties - that chapter is complete and he doesn’t want to be in the next one so time to agree that you are not compatible with your current goals and move on focus your energy on the future not the past.

RedRobyn2021 · 16/12/2021 10:27

@ESGdance

I have told him I don't want a big expensive wedding, I hate being the centre of attention. I just want us to be married because I love him. He says he worries about the cost of a ring and he thinks I won't want to be engaged long (he's right I wouldn't, I've waited long enough thanks).

I resonate with the OP. Saying she feels embarrassed, I do as well.

Financially, I would be fine should he up and leave. It's not about that for me. I do think it becomes a bit bloody insulting though tbh. I'm annoyed I've become one of those women who want to get married but their partner hasn't asked.

I might order him a ring and ask him in some romantic flashy way. Take his thunder.

mistermagpie · 16/12/2021 10:40

[quote Nannyplum5]@ESGdance I definitely have the ick! That’s exactly how I feel. Even if he did end up proposing, I don’t think I’d want him to now. I feel like he’s already ruined it. Last night we were sat watching tv and all I wanted to do was tell him to leave.[/quote]
See I did talk my long term boyfriend into marrying me, and we did get married but the whole 'process' gave me the ick! I think even though I got what I thought I wanted, the way I got it just made me lose respect for myself and him. The marriage was doomed. Don't spend another minute with this guy, he doesn't deserve you and you deserve to respect yourself enough not to chase a future with him that he doesn't want.

I learned my lesson and my now husband was absolutely over the moon to be marrying me and still can't believe his luck. Trust me, you can have that too.

ClawedButler · 16/12/2021 10:42

A proposal isn't a prize that men give to women as a reward for their patience.

Marriage isn't important to many people. That's fine. But it's not fine to be cruel or goady, cutting about like you're the king of France with your so-called partner reduced to begging for a crumb of affection.

If someone doesn't want to marry you, they will find any number of excuses why they can't (ring is expensive, it's just a piece of paper, it's not the right time etc.). If someone does want to marry you, they will find any way of making it happen.