“When the time is right”

[Nannyplum5]

Is all DP says when I ask him about marriage. When will the time ever be right after 9 years? Obviously haven’t had a proposal which does sting a bit as I always think if he really wanted to marry me then he’d have asked. I’ve also suggested to him about just setting a date which he answers with “when the time is right”Last night his friend phoned him and told him he’d just got engaged. After coming off the phone I asked him if he thinks we’ll ever get married. His answer was “probably” I can’t lie, marriage means a lot to me and it hurts knowing that by the sounds of it he doesn’t want to. Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me? I know I can’t force him to get married but I’m just left wondering why I’m not good enough to marry. It’s really getting me down

Stop being a passenger in your own life.

After 9 years he knows if he wants to marry you.

@Dontbekatty

I think this is often power play. We’ll do it, we might not do it - but it’ll be me and me only that decides it.

You say he doesn’t think marriage is important but you’ve made it crystal clear that you want to? Why do his wishes trump yours? Why’s he digging in with something he’ll ‘probably’ do ‘one day’.
Maybe because he has no intention if he doesn’t have to.

I definitely think for a particular type it is EXACTLY a power play.

They think that women with low self esteem will jump about trying to prove themselves worthy🙄 of asking.

As far as I am concerned anyone who HAS self esteem who gets a hint of this game playing should dump their ass with a "we don't want the same things, best I move on, good luck".

Moving in with someone who isn't pushed about marriage when you really want it, isn't in your best interests.

Having children with someone who isn't pushed about marriage when you really want it, isn't in your best interests.

Having confidence in your value and not settling for some little worm who gets a kicknout of "when, if, how, I might want to get married"?

Nope, someone who power plays like that is NOT someone genuinely in love with you and it certainly isn't someone who will make a good life partner.

You don’t want to be back in ten years time, with a child, another one on the way and still saying ‘he won’t marry me’. Endless threads on here like that.

My now DH and I got together when we were very young. Whenever I asked about marriage he said when you stop talking about it I'll ask. He did lol. We were together 9 years at the point he proposed and had been living together for 8. We then had a 10 year long engagement but that was down to money, having a baby, not getting round to it etc.

For context he was 18 and I was 21 when we got together. He proposed the Valentine's Day before my 30th. Had a baby when I was nearly 32 and we got married in September. I'm now 40. Just if that helps

Hi! My friend got married this year after dating her now husband for 10 years. I think they got engaged in 2019, but because of Covid they had to postpone, but even then they had already bought a house and were living in it by the time they got married (maybe they were also saving up to have a big wedding? I don't know the details).

I got married about a week ago and it was an official ceremony with only our two witnesses, and we're doing a family celebration back home this Saturday (but still very, very small). I didn't have a proposal per se, but both me and my now husband had discussed marriage and we both agreed that for us it was more of a bureaucratic process than anything else. I'm also coincidentally pregnant, but the wedding date was set before we conceived.

I don't think he's necessarily 'stringing you along' or 'afraid of commitment', although that might also be the case. Some couples don't care much about marriage, some couples do, and oftentimes one of the partners will be more keen on marriage than the other. My brother-in-law would like to get married but his girlfriend doesn't want to get married (to anyone). It doesn't mean she loves him any less or that she's any less committed to the relationship, but her views on marriage are such for political and moral reasons that go beyond her love or ability to commit. She might eventually get married to please her partner, but she also might not.

If marriage is very important to you, I would have a sit down with your partner and let him know. Maybe you'll find out he doesn't care about marriage or he actually doesn't believe in it at all. It might be worth discussing what kind of wedding you might want to have and whether you will need to plan in advance for it, both logistically and financially.

[quote Nannyplum5]@Maireas I suggested to him if we should just set a date and go from there but he pretty much declined[/quote]
Of course he declined, because he DOESNT want to marry you. Knowing how much thats important to you, and if he wanted to, he would already propose you million times.

And his "probably" means NO. Because its very difficult to say actually no for some people, but his actions (or actually absense of actions) speak for himself.

Now you just look desperate to marry and obsessed with it, he is telling you no in different ways and you continue wondering if he will marry you. No, he wont. And even if he will, it would be not because he is dying to marry you and live happily ever after, but because you pushed for it so much.

You're basically his "she will do for now" woman. There will be no wedding to this man because he does not want to marry (his parents after all did not either) or, more pertinently marry you.

And please for the love of all that is good here, stop being a passenger in your life. Do not furthermore bog yourself down in your own sunk costs; the past is gone never to return. A bad investment is not going to suddenly come good.

I’ve just remembered about 3 or 4 Christmases ago he told he was looking at rings but changed his mind. Wonder why that was. Obviously he has no intentions of marrying me and I think his “probably” answer said it all. Thanks to everyone who has opened my eyes

You have asked him repeatedly implicitly and explicitly and repeatedly he has thrown you a bone.

How do you feel about that? Really deeply feel? Because that’s your truth.

How many more times will you ask and wait?

This must be corroding your self esteem.

You are better than this - you don’t need a half life. Anyone deserves more - as PP anything less than an enthusiastic “Yes! Let’s set a date and announce it” tells you all you need to know.

Don’t waste your precious, finite fertile years on this man. He has another 20 years to saunter into parenthood and marriage - you don’t.

He doesn’t care about that.
He doesn’t care about what is really important to you.
He doesn’t care enough about you.

Please don’t be that statistic - we all have that friend who was dicked about until mid 30s - relationship ends. She’s left without children and he grabs procreates instantly with someone else.

Find your self worth and treat yourself like you would a good friend.

Leave this prick he's massively wasting your time and taking the piss, after 9 years together it must be unfathomable but he seems to have all the control and it's not fair. You can do better

OP,

Good for you IF your eyes have been opened.

Roll the dice on him possibly deigning to marry you at some point is such a bad look.

You deserve better.

Don't give him anymore of your youth, it's so precious.

Money and time is an excuse, if someone really wanted to get married that badly they could just do it at the local registry office

@Nannyplum5

I’ve just remembered about 3 or 4 Christmases ago he told he was looking at rings but changed his mind. Wonder why that was. Obviously he has no intentions of marrying me and I think his “probably” answer said it all. Thanks to everyone who has opened my eyes

How cruel of him to tell you that OP, ugh.

Although people like Emma Bunton didn't get married for about 15 years, maybe she issued him an ultimatum though, who knows

[quote Nannyplum5]@Genevie82 We’ve both said we’d like children but maybe not for a couple of years yet. At least we agree on something xx[/quote]
Did he say he wanted children with you?

"I want to have children by 35 (or whatever) as a woman's fertility is limited. That means that if you are not absolutely sure you want to be the dad, I need to get out now to give me time to get in a serious relationship. If you mess me around, you're potentially denying me the chance to have a child, so I want you to think long and hard about what we're going to do now, and be absolutely honest with me. And don't just say yes to keep me quiet: I want someone who actively wants to have a family with me, not someone who just gives in under pressure. If it's the end, it's the end; you're a great guy and you'll find someone new. I'd be sorry to break up, but we have to be adult about this."

I spent my 20s with someone. By the time he asked me to marry him, I'd fallen out of love with him. He regretted it.

My ex had lots of reasons to wait for marriage but basically it was that he didn't trust me not to run away with all his money. I would have been fine with that but we were supposed to get married and I gave up work to raise the kids. Had I known that we wouldn't get married, I would have had fewer kids and not been a sahm. He was jealous and controlling and when I left, he didn't and still doesn't contribute financially. I had to start from scratch.

At 28/29 most couples that are together a few years are deciding long term what do they both want marriage and kids or splitting up if they don't want the marriage and or kid's.
I know a woman who is now in her mid 50's whose single and never had a family as she wasted years with a man who would not commit.
I know another woman who ended a long relationship because she wanted marriage and kids and he was just stringing her along. She met some else and early on she told him that long term she wanted marriage and kids. She had a wedding and now has 2 kids.
I know it not easy ending a long relationship but you need to think about what you want long term. You need to put a value on yourself and the fact is you want marriage and possibly a child. Your with a man who happy to have you in his life until his something better comes along. You deserve far more than him. So at this stage I tell him we both want different things so it time we split up. I then let your friends know that you ended things with him and that you like to meet up with them.

I usually defend partners who say they don't believe in marriage or simply don't want to do it. I don't want to get married, neither does DP, and therefore after 10 years we haven't.

There's not much defending "when the time is right" after nine years though. If it's about timing rather than personal belief, NINE fucking years should be more than enough to come to a conclusion. I am one of the slowest and most careful people to commit that I know, and after nine years I 100% knew DP was someone I wanted to be with for life.

Most importantly take your desires into your own hands. If marriage is important to you, tell your partner. If you've got to a stage where you want to marry him, say so. Don't be a passenger in your own life, don't wait around for a proposal.

His responses to you remind me of when parents are half-listening and dismissive to children who are asking for something...' when I'm ready dear'...' maybe one day pet'. Saying just enough to stop the child going on, whilst not really intending to do the said thing.

He knows it's important to you and yet is happy to keep stringing you along. If he doesn't want to get married then he should be a grown up about it, and tell you straight, so you can decide what to do.

As it is, he is happy with how things are (not planning to get married) and so just gives you enough to keep you happy (he thinks). You may find it's the same with children. He's saying he wants them but when it comes to it...

Take control back. He says he wants to get married 'when he's ready'. Well tell him the same applies to you. It isn't his sole decision - it's a joint decision. And if he doesn't want to get married then you need to know so you can make your next decision with all the facts. And if he wants to get married just not yet, then he needs to know that's OK, but at some point the 'right time' might have passed for you, and you will leave.

Are you going to bring this back up with him OP? Or wait until after the holidays? Will you stay if he isn't willing to marry? Unfortunately he seems to have slipped into the role of taking you for granted before you've even married and/or had kids, which doesn't bode well - a heart to heart about the relationship is probably overdue. Good luck!

I think he’s probably got comfy, you got together fairly young and the relationship for him is a habit.

Having been married for 12 years and now separated I also think it's just a bit of paper.

My now partner has asked me to marry him but I'm not that fussed.

[quote Nannyplum5]@Genevie82 We’ve both said we’d like children but maybe not for a couple of years yet. At least we agree on something xx[/quote]
This doesn’t show you agree on anything. It shows you want dc in a couple of years and that he doesn’t want to start an argument or an honest discussion because he’s too selfish and comfortable.