“When the time is right”

[Nannyplum5]

Is all DP says when I ask him about marriage. When will the time ever be right after 9 years? Obviously haven’t had a proposal which does sting a bit as I always think if he really wanted to marry me then he’d have asked. I’ve also suggested to him about just setting a date which he answers with “when the time is right”Last night his friend phoned him and told him he’d just got engaged. After coming off the phone I asked him if he thinks we’ll ever get married. His answer was “probably” I can’t lie, marriage means a lot to me and it hurts knowing that by the sounds of it he doesn’t want to. Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me? I know I can’t force him to get married but I’m just left wondering why I’m not good enough to marry. It’s really getting me down

I think sometimes people feel very trapped by being married as if psychologically everything becomes much more serious or even boring once that ultimate commitment is made. By todays standards you are both still quite young. You may push for marriage but it could signal the end of the relationship. My friend just married her long term partner after 35 years together.....it finally felt 'the right time to do it' so don't give up hope just yet.

Look OP, DP and I were never romantic, "marriage is so important to us" types, didn't have kids or take any financial hits for each other, BUT when I did some calculations about finances (inheritance, pensions etc) and brought up the topic of getting married for the sake of the bottom line - not one quibble, we had our marriage certificate within 3 months.

I get that after all these years it's a huge, huge leap to consider breaking up, but yeah, you're right, you want to have someone who doesn't have any doubts.

Does your Mum or an auntie or a friend have a spare room you could stay in, if you need to think?

He's thinking that there are all those other women out there that he hasn't got to shag so far. If he marries you and has children, he can't do that. And if he does propose now because he thinks he's going to lose a very comfortable life, he'll likely meet somebody else and leave before the baby is a year old.

Seen it happen so many times before. He's waiting for the twenty two year old with her own house and sports car who he'll have to propose to in a year or she'll be off with a rich bloke with an even better car and house. He might never meet her - but he's waiting for her.

@Nannyplum5

I’ve just remembered about 3 or 4 Christmases ago he told he was looking at rings but changed his mind. Wonder why that was. Obviously he has no intentions of marrying me and I think his “probably” answer said it all. Thanks to everyone who has opened my eyes

That's nasty. Not only does he not want to marry you, but he's refused to be honest and actively strung you along.

Please please leave this selfish liar and you will find somebody who does want to marry you

Hi everyone. Thanks for the replies. I brought it up to him last night. I didn’t really want to but it was bugging me. I asked him if he really did have any intentions of us marrying. Yet again another excuse “all in good time” I told him that I wouldn’t wait around forever and it’s about time he made a decision. He then came out with some shite about money, what’s the rush, we’re only young” I told him that I don’t want to waste my life with somebody who may not see me as forever or respect me. Despite me pretty much pouring my heart out to him, he says “I was planning on proposing when we’re in our 40’s” then laughed. I asked why, he said “because you probably won’t be bothered about it by then” I think that says everything doesn’t it?

Really sorry to hear your update, he's an absolute joke, how dare he treat you like that, hope you can find the courage to leave

That's horrible.
Why are you putting up with this kind of treatment from him?
He's contemptible.
I would dump his ass today.

Sorry op, he's strung you along all this time Whatever happens next make sure it's the right decision FOR YOU for a change and give not one shit about him.

We got married after 10 years, but then again, we were 15/ 16 when we got together and bought a house first so didn't have the cash till then!

Well, that clearly rules him out for having a family with, not least because your feelings are irrelevant to him and he doesn’t have any respect for you.

Yes, it tells you everything you need to know, OP. You're still young and have time to find someone else to marry and start a family with if that's what you decide to do.

As PPs have said - if children are really important to you, don't be that statistic - the woman who waits around for a man who won't commit, misses her chance to have children, only to have him leave her and start a family with a younger woman. We all know women that has happened to.

You and your BF got together very young. He doesn't want to put it into words but, as a PP mentioned, he probably still has notions of having a chance to sew some wild oats and - rightly - sees marrying you as closing that possibility down.

I would go back and tell him that you won’t have children without marriage and since that is not on the cards you are going to start thinking about your own future.

@Nannyplum5

Hi everyone. Thanks for the replies. I brought it up to him last night. I didn’t really want to but it was bugging me. I asked him if he really did have any intentions of us marrying. Yet again another excuse “all in good time” I told him that I wouldn’t wait around forever and it’s about time he made a decision. He then came out with some shite about money, what’s the rush, we’re only young” I told him that I don’t want to waste my life with somebody who may not see me as forever or respect me. Despite me pretty much pouring my heart out to him, he says “I was planning on proposing when we’re in our 40’s” then laughed. I asked why, he said “because you probably won’t be bothered about it by then” I think that says everything doesn’t it?

The insensitivity and callousness are really shocking. I'm so sorry, this would really indicate to me that not only is marriage not on his mind at all, he also doesn't care about your feelings. And the latter part really is unforgivable. He's making jokes to deflect. The audacity to not take you seriously would enrage me too - does he think you're never going to leave him?!

If you ever want to be in proper relationship and have a family, you'll have to leave. He's abused your passivity hoping you'd give up asking.

With these types, you can pretty much guarantee that when they meet someone they do want to marry, they can't do it fast enough

Really. Just chuck some things in a bag and go.

Tell him you are done. Split your assets ASAP. Spend Christmas with family and friends that love you.

Find yourself and spend a few months healing. Then open the door to the possibility of meeting someone that loves you, respects you, wants the same things as you and behaves as an adult.

Be prepared to hear that’s he’s getting married quite soon after all of this. This will NOT be your loss… think of it as a lucky escape.

Good luck OP.

Hugs x

@layladomino

His responses to you remind me of when parents are half-listening and dismissive to children who are asking for something...' when I'm ready dear'...' maybe one day pet'. Saying just enough to stop the child going on, whilst not really intending to do the said thing.

He knows it's important to you and yet is happy to keep stringing you along. If he doesn't want to get married then he should be a grown up about it, and tell you straight, so you can decide what to do.

As it is, he is happy with how things are (not planning to get married) and so just gives you enough to keep you happy (he thinks). You may find it's the same with children. He's saying he wants them but when it comes to it...

Take control back. He says he wants to get married 'when he's ready'. Well tell him the same applies to you. It isn't his sole decision - it's a joint decision. And if he doesn't want to get married then you need to know so you can make your next decision with all the facts. And if he wants to get married just not yet, then he needs to know that's OK, but at some point the 'right time' might have passed for you, and you will leave.

This. When I say 'yes yes, in a minute' to my kids, I'm mainly just hoping they forget about whatever they are asking me. This is what he's doing to you.

Your most recent update tell you everything you need to know - he doesn't respect you, doesn't care what you want and is treating you like a child who can be fobbed off or distracted. You need to end it because, frankly, you are in danger of wasting your fertile years with this guy and you've said you want kids so...

I agree with @Dery, now you know.

Don't waste your life on someone who thinks so little of you to string you along.

I'm sorry OP but I would put money on it that he will be off the first whiff of anyone catching his eye.

He is not a banker.

My husband (men's logic) just said: 'Because he is waiting for another one to come. It's not necessarily true, of course.

Me: 'But they live together as a family for 9 years.' Him: 'So, he has somewhere to live :)

After 1 year of dating I would give my bf 3-6 months to decide if he wants to marry me, if not, I would leave.

@Lana07 interesting to hear from a male point of view!

When I was a round your age I was in a similar position.

Some people in this thread are saying you should tell him and insist that you set a date etc.

The whole point to me @Nannyplum5 is that I wanted my partner to want to marry me. If you have to 'make' them that defeats the whole point, or it would've to me maybe? As the idea is that they want to marry you, because they love you and that's what people do in the archetypal commited relationship where they love each other.

He said 'you just want to get married' -I'm not good at replying but I should've said that I wanted a relationship that was going somewhere, had progression, the way a committed relationship tends to go.

I mean, I've gone off the idea now I'm 44 and had some unpleasant experiences with him/men.

But that's what I wanted then and a lot of women do.

I think I would have to dump your one if I were you. 9 years FFS and still 'probably' when it feels right to him etc.

@Nannyplum5 He was twattish and immature-sounding in your update. I was supposedly engaged to mine. Mine said as an excuse for not doing anything yet that he had some friends (they were quite a bit younger, like 22 or something) who were engaged and planning to get married in five years' time. I said 'that wouldn't work for me.'

Do you ever feel like people are laughing at you? That others who know you see the relationship as a joke? That's how I felt, but then I think that's because we were supposed-engaged but nothing was happening. I even had to cancel the church once because he backed out.

It was all very humiliating. I dumped him eventually for various reasons. How he acted was because he took me for granted. He regrets it now.

Urgh how utterly disrespectful. Yep you know now.

Make your decisions and plans.

Nc here but following with interest as I have the same issue op. But its been longer for me.

@me4real Everything you’ve just said makes perfect sense. You’re right, I’m wanting him to marry me because he wants to, not because he feels he has to. I feel like now that I’ve had to mention it a few times that it may be forced if he does ever propose (which I doubt, probably don’t want him to now anyway) And yes I do feel like people are laughing at me. We went to one of his relatives weddings last year and the groom actually said to us “you’re next” it’s like people are expecting us to be engaged/married and are wondering why we aren’t already. A lot of people who we know who haven’t been together half as long as us are married or engaged and I do feel it’s embarrassing. I also feel like our relationship is childish and fake