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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

“When the time is right”

219 replies

Nannyplum5 · 13/12/2021 10:33

Is all DP says when I ask him about marriage. When will the time ever be right after 9 years? Obviously haven’t had a proposal which does sting a bit as I always think if he really wanted to marry me then he’d have asked. I’ve also suggested to him about just setting a date which he answers with “when the time is right”Last night his friend phoned him and told him he’d just got engaged. After coming off the phone I asked him if he thinks we’ll ever get married. His answer was “probably” I can’t lie, marriage means a lot to me and it hurts knowing that by the sounds of it he doesn’t want to. Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me? I know I can’t force him to get married but I’m just left wondering why I’m not good enough to marry. It’s really getting me down

OP posts:
Tyredofallthis1 · 13/12/2021 12:32

I saw a phrase somewhere else - 'if he wanted to, he would'

He's probably quite comfy with you, and happy with you, but he's not considering you for marriage.

I seriously suggest that you do not let yourself be financially dependent on him. You could also start talking about putting the legal stuff in place that would replace marriage, like wills etc. Do you own a house together?
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/12/2021 12:33

Its difficult saying this to you but men often don't marry someone they don't consider the one.
You'll often find when you leave or break up they find and marry someone pretty quickly.
He doesn't want to marry you I think that says it all really. I absolutely would not stay with someone who had cold feet about me.

ftw163532 · 13/12/2021 12:34

Why are you surrendering control of your life to him like this? Marriage is not a prize you sit around waiting for a man to bestow upon you if you are "good enough". It should be a joint decision like where to live and when/whether to have children - would you sit back and leave those decisions entirely in his hands too?

You've proposed, he said no, you're still with him. What do you want for your life?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 12:35

So he has full control of your future?

Fuck that.

Bookworm20 · 13/12/2021 12:46

So after 9 years, the time still isn't right? I'm sorry but if he doesn't know by now if he wants to marry you, it pretty much means he doesn't want to.

I've been in this situation. We had dc too. Took me 16 years to realise the time will never be right. That was always his reason, yeah one day,when we've the money/when its right/when we can have a nice wedding blah blah.
I put a deadline on it. Basically told him but in a joking way (except I wasn't joking). Deadline passed, I ended it.

Funnily enough after I said that was enough and ended the relationship, he suddenly came out with a proposal. I said No. Too little, too late. And considering he hadn't even bought me a ring, he'd taken one I already had out my jewellery box, it didn't exactly feel sincere either!

A good few years later, new man. Proposal 2 years in.

thedevilinablackdress · 13/12/2021 12:51

Marriage is not a prize you sit around waiting for a man to bestow upon you if you are "good enough". It should be a joint decision like where to live and when/whether to have children

Exactly this

Dontbeme · 13/12/2021 12:54

OP set yourself a mental deadline, one year at most. Spend that year getting yourself set to go solo, so financially are you happy with where you are? Are you a homeowner or is that something you want, are in you a job you like and can see yourself progressing in? Start to build a future you will really love and thrive in, then at the end of that year if he hasn't proposed leave and move on. Don't allow him to steal your future away with his "wait and see" approach. After this long what does he have to learn about you that will make him think you are worth every effort to hold on to?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 13/12/2021 12:55

He doesn't want to marry you.
I would ditch him.
Now. Not after Xmas. Now.

sunshine789 · 13/12/2021 12:55

You tried to suggest a date of what?
He didnt propose you and he said probably, what is not a yes.
Some men, dont want to marry ever and they are staying with their GFs for ages, because its comfortable and what for to change that by getting into such commitment as marriage if its fine without it.

If the marriage is important to you and you want to get married (not necessary with him), you should tell him that the status of relations is important to you.
And I'm sure that he already knows after 9 years if you are the ONE. If he doesnt want the same things as you, it would be fair to stop wasting your time, so you could move on and find someone, who wants to be married.

Its not that you are not good enough, its just he either doesnt want it at all or doesnt want it with you.

RobotValkyrie · 13/12/2021 13:04

If marriage is important to you, and you value yourself, leave him.
This man is wasting your time. He won't marry you.

mistermagpie · 13/12/2021 13:04

I don't know your boyfriend obviously, but my ex was very similar. When asked he would say that absolutely he did want to get married and have a family, but it was always some vague 'at some point' kind of answer. We got together at 21 so we were young but still, there wasn't even a real conversation about actual timescales, even when I made it clear that marriage was important to me, it was as if that didn't matter.

Things kind of came to a head and, although it wasn't an ultimatum really, I said we needed to decide where the relationship was actually going, so I could either give up on the idea of marriage or we could actually do it. Looking back I forced his hand really and he did propose. This was after about 9 years together.

We got married and the marriage lasted 18 months. I think what I really wanted was for him to grow up, and on some level I thought this would happen automatically if we got married. Safe to say it didn't.

I'm now married to someone else, and it was all so different. He proposed out of the blue after we had been together for two years, I just knew he wanted to marry me but I wasn't actually divorced for the first year we were together, or I think he would have proposed sooner. We have been married for seven years and have three children, it's all just fallen into place with no angst, because we have been on the same page throughout.

My point is, I suppose, to analyse why you need marriage so much and try to figure out why he doesn't. It's easier said than done, but what do you think will happen once you are married?

MissyB1 · 13/12/2021 13:05

So he dictates your future? No! It’s time to take back control of your life!
Tell him what you want from life, marriage, maybe kids? If that’s not on his agenda then you walk away. If he says “maybe” tell him it’s decision time, yes or no.

GingerFigs · 13/12/2021 13:11

*@ftw163532
Why are you surrendering control of your life to him like this? Marriage is not a prize you sit around waiting for a man to bestow upon you if you are "good enough". It should be a joint decision like where to live and when/whether to have children - would you sit back and leave those decisions entirely in his hands too?
*
This ^^

Marriage is a joint decision. About your future together. Yes, either party can propose as a surprise etc but you've told him it's important and he isn't ready. Nothing wrong with either of those views. But it sounds like he may never be ready. I think you need to move on. Set yourself a deadline and prepare to strike out on your own (financially independent, a place to live etc if you're not already there). Don't waste more years with someone who doesn't see a similar life ahead. And don't have children with him.

timeisnotaline · 13/12/2021 13:21

I’d plan to leave in time to celebrate 30 in my new life. So give him till 29 and 3 months maybe, and that gives you time to think it through. If you want to you can tell him, not specifically with dates since you don’t want the gun to his head approach, but a clear statement. ‘ Ive mentioned marriage a few times, I need to be clear that it’s important to me and I don’t see myself progressing in a relationship without it. I won’t have children with someone Im not married to. So if it’s not on your mind it would be pretty awful of you to not be honest with me.’

Corbally · 13/12/2021 13:24

Move on smartish, and as pps have said, take back control of your own life. Ask yourself why you handed so much power to Mr 'Can't Be Bovvered'. And don't get pregnant.

SanFranBear · 13/12/2021 13:29

I never understand the whole 'waiting to be asked' thing. You want to be married so just ask him.. not in a 'do you ever want to get married' way in a 'Will you marry me' way.

He says yes - you crack on. He says no - you can move on and find someone who does want to.

Pieminster · 13/12/2021 13:31

Ditch the tosser

myothercarisaskoda · 13/12/2021 13:33

He doesn't want to get married by the sound of things. If he was upfront and said this could you stay with him?

Didimum · 13/12/2021 13:35

I'm wondering why you think it's acceptable that he holds all the cards regarding the major decisions in your life. He sounds extremely selfish. He knows you are desperate to get married, of course he knows that. He just doesn't care and what's more can't even be bothered to discuss it with you.

QuestionNumberOne · 13/12/2021 13:36

Leave him.

You’re being unbelievably passive. When the time’s right? When he’s ready? You’re behaving like his maid servant.

He doesn’t want to marry you, you deserve better.

Be the grown up and move on - get out there and get what you need.

collybubble · 13/12/2021 13:46

He may he working up to a proposal but friends who have been in your position have issued an ultimatum/ deadline and it has worked

ElectraBlue · 13/12/2021 13:48

The problem is that you are giving him all the power. You are accepting his vague replies and he knows you will stay with him regardless because you have already done so for 9 years!

I think you have a hard choice to make.

If the security of marriage and a family is what you want, then he is not the man for you.

If you think that you can live long-term without ever getting married because having him in your life is your priority then stay in this relationship.

I personally would have concerns about his behaviour and I would leave. By now he should have been honest with you and said that marriage simply is not in the cards for him rather than stringing you along...

mistermagpie · 13/12/2021 13:57

@collybubble

He may he working up to a proposal but friends who have been in your position have issued an ultimatum/ deadline and it has worked
Yes, it worked for me, but deep down I knew I had pushed him into it and that didn't feel great either. The marriage was probably doomed anyway, but I think making someone marry you is a route to disaster. If someone wants to marry you, they will.
ImmutableSexQueen · 13/12/2021 13:59

Stop wasting your time.

Nannyplum5 · 13/12/2021 14:02

I don’t want to necessarily leave him, apart from not being married, that’s the only issue. But I do know it is a big one. I know some people have said I don’t have to wait for a proposal, but that’s the thing that sticks out to me more than anything. If he wanted to, he would have. A lot of people we know are engaged or married who are younger than us, haven’t been together as long as us. I know you can’t put age/years on love but it is something that bothers me whether or not I should feel like that. I think typing it all out has made me realise a few things. It is a hard decision but as someone else has said, he knows how much I’d love to get married, yet he is so unbothered by it. I would prefer for him to just be honest with me. That would make things a lot easier

OP posts:
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