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Original poster

“When the time is right”

219 replies

Nannyplum5 · 13/12/2021 10:33

Is all DP says when I ask him about marriage. When will the time ever be right after 9 years? Obviously haven’t had a proposal which does sting a bit as I always think if he really wanted to marry me then he’d have asked. I’ve also suggested to him about just setting a date which he answers with “when the time is right”Last night his friend phoned him and told him he’d just got engaged. After coming off the phone I asked him if he thinks we’ll ever get married. His answer was “probably” I can’t lie, marriage means a lot to me and it hurts knowing that by the sounds of it he doesn’t want to. Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me? I know I can’t force him to get married but I’m just left wondering why I’m not good enough to marry. It’s really getting me down

OP posts:
Maireas · 13/12/2021 14:13

[quote Nannyplum5]@AnneLovesGilbert I’d feel like I’d have wasted my time on being with someone who makes me feel as if I’m not good enough and on someone who makes me question if he is 100% committed. That may not be the case, but that’s how he makes me feel. When I ask him what he means by it it’s “don’t know, just when I feel ready” I am 28 he’s 29[/quote]
But (again) - why is it his decision?.

Original poster
Nannyplum5 · 13/12/2021 14:14

@Maireas I suggested to him if we should just set a date and go from there but he pretty much declined

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 13/12/2021 14:17

I think you have essentially grown up together as people often change so much in their 20s and he isn't sure if he's ready for the commitment without having had more relationships. I wonder if he is comfy with you but open to the idea you're not forever.

Deadringer · 13/12/2021 14:17

There is a thread about this at least once a week, and i will say on this what i say on all of them, tell him that you want to get married, tell him when you want to get married, and tell him if he doesn't feel the same way as you it's over, no ifs, buts, or maybes.

Maireas · 13/12/2021 14:19

[quote Nannyplum5]@Maireas I suggested to him if we should just set a date and go from there but he pretty much declined[/quote]
Right. I think that's your answer then

RaisedByPangolins · 13/12/2021 14:20

We got married and the marriage lasted 18 months. I think what I really wanted was for him to grow up, and on some level I thought this would happen automatically if we got married. Safe to say it didn't.

Like mistermagpie said, I think a lot of times we want ‘what marriage represents’ rather than the marriage itself. A husband is someone who can be relied upon, who’s supportive and works with you as part of a team.

If a man isn’t marriage material then going ahead and marrying him will only end in misery. Some people are good for a casual relationship but when the shit hits the fan they’re useless. Best kept as friends with benefits than trying to mould them into marriage material.

Original poster
Nannyplum5 · 13/12/2021 14:21

@WTF475878237NC I think you’re completely right. When we first got together he was so romantic and I felt really loved. 9 years on I think things have settled down, which I suppose can be expected. If someone would have told me in the first couple of years of being together that 9 years later we wouldn’t be engaged I’d have laughed!

OP posts:
dudsville · 13/12/2021 14:25

OP, this is how he responds, time and time again, to something that is incredibly important to you. With disregard and such that you are left with self doubt and a sense of worthlessness. AND HE'S OK WITH THAT. Someone who is good for you would talk with you, consider your feelings, make joint decisions, not leave some one feeling sad and in the dark.

bedheadedzombie · 13/12/2021 14:28

[quote Nannyplum5]@Maireas I suggested to him if we should just set a date and go from there but he pretty much declined[/quote]
He'll never marry you and is basically saying as much. I've seen this countless times. You're not the one for him, just the nice option for now. At some point in the future he'll meet the one, ditch you and be married to his pregnant wife within a year.

I'm sorry, but you really need to start creating the future that YOU want.

AlbertBridge · 13/12/2021 14:29

He thinks he can do better. That's usually the (secret) reason why men don't propose.

Move out. Let him find out that he can't do better - and let yourself find out that you 100% absolutely CAN.

AlbertBridge · 13/12/2021 14:30

Oh, and don't force it. Marriage with an uncommitted man who doesn't want to be married to you is torturous.

ohfourfoxache · 13/12/2021 14:34

I think you need to be prepared to walk away

(Now) DH waited 7 years…..we would not have made it to 8

If marriage is important to you then you need to walk away. Either he’ll let you get or he’ll beg you to go back and do anything it takes to keep you. If it’s the former he’s no loss

ohfourfoxache · 13/12/2021 14:34

*go

AdaHopper · 13/12/2021 14:46

Get down on one knee and ask him to marry you OP. Make a lovely romantic moment of it.
If you want to marry him, surely you need to ask him.
Why wait for him to ask you.

What would you do if he said 'no' btw?

threebillboards · 13/12/2021 14:49

I could not stay with someone like this again. Previous relationship was just the same until I realised he was just waiting for something better to come along. Personally I would split up. You deserve better than being strung along

Genevie82 · 13/12/2021 15:03

Sounds like he’s got no incentive to marry anymore OP - some men are just like this and don’t realise what they have got until it’s gone. The most direct way to test his feelings about you after so many years is to tell him you want marriage as it’s just to important to you to compromise on and then leave him. What he does next will tell you all you need to know … you don’t say about children and what your plan is with this? xx

Viviennemary · 13/12/2021 15:19

That would really annoy me. I can understand if if somebody might get a large inheritance they don't want to share. After 9 years if the time isn't right when will it ever be.

Original poster
Nannyplum5 · 13/12/2021 15:28

@Genevie82 We’ve both said we’d like children but maybe not for a couple of years yet. At least we agree on somethingGrin xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Nannyplum5 · 13/12/2021 15:30

@Viviennemary exactly. Surely after 9 years you’d know and not come out with comments such as “when the times right” or “probably” The more people are saying the more I’m starting to realise he probably has no intentions of marrying

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 13/12/2021 15:43

[quote Nannyplum5]@Genevie82 We’ve both said we’d like children but maybe not for a couple of years yet. At least we agree on somethingGrin xx[/quote]
And have you agreed on which one of you it taking the physical and career risk of carrying and giving birth to the child without the legal protections of marriage? Sorry OP but I wouldn't have his child without marriage first and if he comes back with "it's just a piece of paper" maybe remind him that home insurance policies are just a piece of paper until your house burns down and you are left financially screwed.

myothercarisaskoda · 13/12/2021 17:28

Re-phrase it, maybe say, "you don't want to get married do you?" I think you'll get your answer.

QuestionNumberOne · 13/12/2021 17:52

His ‘couple of years’ for kids will be different to yours, no doubt.

He doesn’t love you enough to marry you. He’s comfortable.

It wouldn’t be anywhere near enough for me, these indifferent little crumbs - are they really enough for you?

Nine years and you got together so young…the relationship has faltered and it won’t ‘take off’ now I don’t think.

Sorry to be harsh OP but it’s no way for you to live.

RubiesandRose · 13/12/2021 18:15

Re-phrase it, maybe say, "you don't want to get married do you?" I think you'll get your answer.

^ ^this

Genevie82 · 13/12/2021 18:26

… be very careful OP with the issue of children. At the moment there’s no pressure on him as your not talking exact times scales and are relaxed about it - but it will catch-up on you faster than him given what we face as women re fertility. He may will take the same attitude as the marriage issue and do what suits him in the end, if you feel upset about his reluctance towards marriage the whole planning a baby issue will 10x worse on the resentment front for you!. I’m a little surprised OP there are no firmer plans between you both about children if that’s what you want given how long you’ve been together and your ages and it may be why he doesn’t take the marriage issue that seriously .
It’s all a risk - if you really love him and feel he sincerely loves you back you will have to just make your feelings very clear and hope that he loves you enough to eventually pop the question ( this has happened with 2 friends of mine after years and years together and giving up on the whole idea, but the wedding is always in the mans terms)
The alternative is you end things and seek you’re own path to what you want , my sister lived with a bf who was the same and refused to talk to her about getting married - she went to a party one day and met her future husband , all the resentment of feeling not good enough took its toll on her investment in the relationship.
Whatever you do OP it’s a tough one but don’t get left high and dry in your 30s if he suddenly decides he wants something else - be savvy xxx

billy1966 · 13/12/2021 18:36

@thedevilinablackdress

Marriage is not a prize you sit around waiting for a man to bestow upon you if you are "good enough". It should be a joint decision like where to live and when/whether to have children

Exactly this

Too right.

OP, he sounds neither kind nor respectful.

What is your self esteem like that you would accept this.

Take him at his word.
He doesn't know.
Move on.

Don't make little of yourself begging some man to marry you.Flowers