“When the time is right”

[Nannyplum5]

Is all DP says when I ask him about marriage. When will the time ever be right after 9 years? Obviously haven’t had a proposal which does sting a bit as I always think if he really wanted to marry me then he’d have asked. I’ve also suggested to him about just setting a date which he answers with “when the time is right”Last night his friend phoned him and told him he’d just got engaged. After coming off the phone I asked him if he thinks we’ll ever get married. His answer was “probably” I can’t lie, marriage means a lot to me and it hurts knowing that by the sounds of it he doesn’t want to. Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me? I know I can’t force him to get married but I’m just left wondering why I’m not good enough to marry. It’s really getting me down

OP I met someone and three years later married with a house and baby (not in that order). If you both feel you're in it for the long haul he'd be happy to set a date now. He's happy with you but doesn't believe you're "the one".

Sounds like it has to be a deal breaker otherwise he's unlikely to want to marry you.

In your position I would only want children with someone who was enthusiastically wanting marriage with me.

This happened to my friend. He strung her along until she was 36. Finally said he's decided he never wanted to marry or have kids.
The emotional fall out was catastrophic on her and she has never managed to have kids. Heartbreaking.

Take the reins. It's your life. You get to decide what happens in it.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

At 28 I'd be asking myself some serious questions about whether I wanted kids and if so giving him maybe 1 more year max to "be ready" (and that would need to include setting a firm date for the wedding not just starting a "how long is a piece of string?" engagement).

But you can have kids without getting married if you want to, it's 2021! Marriage is a separate issue.

Oh, OP. He's given you his answer already. Not directly maybe, because he doesn't want to upset his comfortable life. But we all know the answer. And so do you. The onus is on you now, as to how little you will accept. Sadly, there are lots of threads on MN like this. Years later, with children and financial responsibilities, the man is free to just walk away. Maybe have a look through some of the threads and it'll help you decide what to do x

Yeh I know that JK, I have 2 kids of my own with my dp and zero desire to ever get married myself. But the OP obviously wants marriage and her dp is obviously resistent to making a commitment to her so she'd be stark raving mad to have kids with him until that's resolved. If he isn't committed enough for marriage then he isn't committed enough for kids. Neither me or my partner want marriage so it isn't a bench mark against which we measure our commitment to each other. That isn't true for most people. Most people want kids within the commitment of a marriage and most women are on safer ground financially to do so. All having kids with this man will do is make it harder for her to leave him and give him even less incentive to marry her. How many times have you heard women on here complaining "I'm good enough to have his kids but not good enough to marry?" Unless the OP wants to be back here in 5 years saying the same thing then she needs to think about moving on.

I wouldn’t have a child without being married. If they don’t want to marry me they aren’t the right person to have a lasting tie with that binds me far more than them.
My Dh wanted to be the one to propose but also clearly hadn’t thought a lot about it. I said that’s nice but in about 18m we will have been together over 5 years so if you haven’t worked out whether you’re ‘ready’ or not I don’t think I can rely on you mysteriously deciding at some later point you do want to commit to me so I’ll be splitting up with you and moving on.

starting to realise?
I think you're down that big river in Egypt.

I told my now DH after 8 months of dating that I was going to propose to him at the next year leap year and if he wanted to be the one to propose he needed to do it before that date (which he did).

Ahh sorry about all the messages I thought they didn’t post!!

"I would prefer for him to just be honest with me. That would make things a lot easier"

No-one can be sure what he's thinking but my experience of relationships is this: the more 'powerful' person in the relationship wants to keep as much control of what's happening as possible and one way is to be vague about their intentions and feelings in order to stop the other person from being pro-active and making choices.

Imagine that you asked him about marriage and he said 'No, I don't want to marry you'. Then, you'd probably make a pretty quick decision about whether to continue with the relationship or not. But he doesn't want YOU to have that control so he's keeping you hanging around by being vague about the future, so that if your relationship is going to end it will happen when it's convenient for him.

Think about what you want and need and if this man is really the right person for you.

“Imagine that you asked him about marriage and he said 'No, I don't want to marry you'. Then, you'd probably make a pretty quick decision about whether to continue with the relationship or not. But he doesn't want YOU to have that control so he's keeping you hanging around by being vague about the future, so that if your relationship is going to end it will happen when it's convenient for him.”

This with bells on. 9 years in, he should know if he’s willing to marry you but what it sounds like he’s doing is keeping his options open in case someone else takes his fancy. So you need to decide whether you’re willing to remain in suspense or walk away.

You'll probably open an engagement ring on Xmas day now you've started this thread op seen it happen a lot on mn

He’s stringing you along. If he genuinely can’t decide if he likes you enough after 9 years then you’re not the woman he’s looking for. I’m sure your current arrangement is much nicer for him than being single so he’ll keep things as they are until he finds the love of his life and leaves you for her, or gives up hope on finding her and settles for you. If I were you I’d leave.

[quote Nannyplum5]@DrinkFeckArseBrick Yes he says “when I feel ready” or it’s sometimes “I don’t know, just when the times right” so he doesn’t even answer the question

@TeapotCollection love that The gun to his head is exactly how I feel too[/quote]
"When I feel ready" is only a valid answer for someone in the early years of a relationship who might not know if the person they're with is the one they want to stay with forever.

@Babyvenusplant

You'll probably open an engagement ring on Xmas day now you've started this thread op seen it happen a lot on mn

What happens more often is women realise they’ve been strung along by a guy who is happy to say vague promises to keep his convenient wife happy while making no real commitment, and once they’ve seen the light that despite years together and declarations of love that the reality is they are only ‘good enough for now’, they leave.

@GiantHaystacks2021

He doesn't want to marry you. I would ditch him. Now. Not after Xmas. Now.

^this @GiantHaystacks2021 i very much agree with your post

@Nannyplum5
I was told when the time is right Re marriage, Re kids for yearrrs.....

He married someone else and they had twins.

You get one life. He is clearly happy 'as is' and you are not.

Time to get selfish...in a good way

Be happy

Quite honestly ime (49 lived a life!) And from discussion with others and on here...

Most men if they genuinely intend to marry you propose within 3 years - minor exception if you met around mid teen age

After that...he's just not that into you. Cut your losses and move on

Do you want dc if you don't already have them?

I’d feel like I’d have wasted my time

Sunk costs fallacy

Don't fall for it

You were quite young when you got together but at this point he needs to shit or get off the pot!

When I met my ex I was clear from the beginning (though didn't necessarily mean it would be with him) that I wasn't interested in wasting my time. That marriage and kids were important to me, I would not be having kids outside of marriage and I wanted 1st dc before 30 - I have gynae issues and had already had 1 mc when we met)

We didn't live together before marriage either which I also think helped actually, even though it wasn't a conscious decision.

We’ve both said we’d like children but maybe not for a couple of years yet. At least we agree on something

Op what is happening a LOT with men in younger generations than mine is they're stringing along their first serious relationship, wasting their fertile years (if you've never ttc before you've NO idea if it will happen quickly/easily for you, for women from age 30 fertility - quality and quantity starts to decline) then the relationship breaks down and they marry and impregnate the next woman very very quickly

DO NOT waste your fertile years this way

Happens a LOT

do you really want to risk NEVER being a mother cos he strings you along into your late 30's and then you don't have time to meet and develop a relationship with someone else?

Also educate yourself on the differences legally and financially between marriage and cohabiting

Having dc outside of marriage is risky in a number of legal and financial ways especially if there are any health complications thrown in either as part of ttc/pregnancy or once the child is born

Have a read about sunken costs. Also seriously consider leaving him now, you have time to start again assuming you want marriage followed by several children?

Why live unmarried with someone for 9 years in an uncommitted relationship if "marriage means a lot to you"? Your actions are the exact opposite of your words @Nannyplum5

Your boyfriend is using you to have all the benefits of marriage without any of the commitment. Get out now. You deserve much better.

@Nannyplum5 if you want marriage, living with men when they've not committed to marriage, does not benefit women. It only enables men to have their cake and eat it because they gain too much from the relationship to readily end it,
even when they know they're unsure/dont want marriage with that woman. They selfishly string along the woman which is using the woman - the very opposite of truly loving someone.

You already know all there is to know about each other, yet he has made absolutely no action to commit to you. Move out and stop letting him use you as a convenient-for-now pseudo wife.

I think this is often power play. We’ll do it, we might not do it - but it’ll be me and me only that decides it.

You say he doesn’t think marriage is important but you’ve made it crystal clear that you want to? Why do his wishes trump yours? Why’s he digging in with something he’ll ‘probably’ do ‘one day’.
Maybe because he has no intention if he doesn’t have to.

From all you've said, he doesn't want to marry you, for whatever reason. As pp said, I'd be thinking about whether I wanted children etc as I wouldn't want to have kids if I wasn't married to my partner. Some people don't care about that, I do.

You need to sit him down and have a proper, grown up discussion. You need to talk, honestly about what you both want in life because, from where I am standing you probably want different things.
The time has come for no more 'when the time is right' nonsense. Give him 3 months and no more and then get on with the rest of your life. It will probably be without him, but frankly I think you will always be disappointed in him.