Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“When the time is right”

219 replies

Nannyplum5 · 13/12/2021 10:33

Is all DP says when I ask him about marriage. When will the time ever be right after 9 years? Obviously haven’t had a proposal which does sting a bit as I always think if he really wanted to marry me then he’d have asked. I’ve also suggested to him about just setting a date which he answers with “when the time is right”Last night his friend phoned him and told him he’d just got engaged. After coming off the phone I asked him if he thinks we’ll ever get married. His answer was “probably” I can’t lie, marriage means a lot to me and it hurts knowing that by the sounds of it he doesn’t want to. Why would he stay with me for 9 years if he doesn’t want to marry me? I know I can’t force him to get married but I’m just left wondering why I’m not good enough to marry. It’s really getting me down

OP posts:
DDMAC · 16/12/2021 10:44

I was in a relationship for 6 years with someone, I was a similar age as yourself at the time. I got the same spiel. 6 years was my limit, I ended it. He did come back saying oh I’ll marry you but I had checked out at that point, I was done

DDMAC · 16/12/2021 10:48

You have made it clear to him how important it is to you and he’s ignoring it, that would be enough for me to say ok I’ll find someone who appreciates me. You deserve happiness x

Sparkletastic · 16/12/2021 10:50

Start the new year as a single woman and find someone who deserves you.

ESGdance · 16/12/2021 10:52

@mistermagpie what a wonderful post:

“See I did talk my long term boyfriend into marrying me, and we did get married but the whole 'process' gave me the ick! I think even though I got what I thought I wanted, the way I got it just made me lose respect for myself and him. The marriage was doomed. Don't spend another minute with this guy, he doesn't deserve you and you deserve to respect yourself enough not to chase a future with him that he doesn't want.

I learned my lesson and my now husband was absolutely over the moon to be marrying me and still can't believe his luck. Trust me, you can have that too.“

It just shows that the resistance and resentment underneath just progressively festers. That’s no way to live - slowly drowning. Delighted that you have found an honest, uncompromising, authentic relationship.

mistermagpie · 16/12/2021 10:56

You're absolutely right. Even though I got what I wanted, it didn't erase the resentment that had built up of over the previous years and ultimately I think on his side, he married me to shut me up. The whole thing was quite toxic and looking back of course it didn't work.

My marriage now is so different, we are both 'all in' and have been from the beginning. I'm so glad my earlier marriage didn't work out because now I have everything I ever wanted.

Original poster
Nannyplum5 · 16/12/2021 11:50

The more I think about it, the more angrier I get. Why should I sit around like a dick head waiting for him to propose/marry me whilst everyone is around me doing it. Why am I any different?Arsehole. Feel like telling him not to come home after work😂

Needed to get that off my chestGrin

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/12/2021 12:01

I hope you're not giving him a christmas present......

I can't remember - are you living together?
One of you should move out before christmas.

Maddymorphosis · 16/12/2021 12:02

Tell him to get out of the house and not come back

Original poster
Nannyplum5 · 16/12/2021 12:03

@GiantHaystacks2021 nope. And yep we live together. I’m tempted although he’ll be the one moving out

OP posts:
bjrce · 16/12/2021 12:13

I've seen his type so many times!

"Treat her mean, keep her keen!" Big joke to him, only thing is everyone else is settling down and he is the joke!

He stands to lose you because of his horrible treatment of you and not appreciating what he's got.

If you dump him he'll either do one of two things! Big dramatic expression - proposing to get you back on side ( keep her quiet for a while!) and continue with his bullshit or will let you go and will be with someone else within the year.

Seen it so many times.

You deserve better! he's treating your relationship like a joke - as someone said earlier - he's got too comfortable. He'll have no problem starting over with someone else.

By then, it won't be your problem!

Maddymorphosis · 16/12/2021 12:21

I've had a couple of guys who I was 'seeing' and who wouldn't want to even commit to a relationship, then when they met someone they wanted to be with they couldn't become official fast enough, within a week in one case. It's so boring and predictable

timeisnotaline · 16/12/2021 12:24

Once you see who they really are you can’t unsee it.

me4real · 16/12/2021 12:35

The more I think about it, the more angrier I get

@Nannyplum5 Keep getting angry OP. How you're being treated is not OK- it's disrespectful.

Anger will help you act on those feelings and carry out your plan. Fuck this twat, he can fuck off.

ClawedButler · 16/12/2021 12:41

@timeisnotaline

Once you see who they really are you can’t unsee it.
this is it in a nutshell

You've suddenly seen him for what he is - a boy who thinks he's a prize.

Fine, but that's not what you want from life.

Living contrary to your own heart-felt values makes you miserable, and you'll never really feel "right". If you have to suppress your values to allow someone else to live theirs, it will never work.

Original poster
Nannyplum5 · 16/12/2021 12:49

@timeisnotaline So true. Exactly how I’m feeling. I also find it really unattractive for some reason. The relationship was great at the beginning, I never thought I’d be in this situation with him

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 16/12/2021 12:54

Time for action!!! Hope you can get him to go - now he has made his feelings clear you can have much greater clarity about everything and so sending you strength for the next steps in taking back control of your life!!!

RantyAunty · 16/12/2021 12:56

Just finished your thread.
His last responses were horrible. Like it was some joke or something. So disrespectful. This is your life and it deserves consideration and care. Flowers

I do think it is a power play. They avoid and lie as long as they can get away with it.
If they told the truth, no, I really don't want to marry you, then you'll be gone and all his benefits will be gone too.

Lana07's husband spoke the truth about what guys are thinking when they do this.

It horrible what he's done. Thank goodness you've had your eyes opened to the reality of him at 28 and not at 38 or 48.

Are you renting or do you own where you are living?

PoshPyjamas · 16/12/2021 13:01

I met someone and 9 months later we were married. The only possible reason that you are not married or engaged to him, is that he does not want to be. You have asked him, and he has said no.

Blossom64265 · 16/12/2021 13:13

Nannyplum you are coming to the realization that would have saved me from my divorce. If marriage matters to you, the person you love should be desperate to marry you.

Camembear · 16/12/2021 13:23

8 years, I’d be giving up on him. If he wanted to get married he’d say so. Saying “probably” or whatever is just saying no but sneakily dressing it in a way that maintains the status quo.

You’re 28, that’s how old I was when I met my now-husband. Good luck op.

WaterBottle123 · 16/12/2021 13:31

Why do you want to get married OP? It holds no advantages for women, unless you give up your job. Marriage is hugely beneficial to men though.

TheFestiveFeminist · 16/12/2021 13:58

He's laughed about maybe proposing in his 40s, that's really annoyed me on your behalf. I'd find myself wanting to tell him that he can be single in the meantime, and if you're single when he gets his act together he could ask, but you might well be married to someone else by then. Why sit back and take it? It clearly isn't making you happy.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/12/2021 14:07

Waterbottle Op wants to marry so that’s irrelevant but lots of benefits to someone like op who is wanting children. Even taking maternity leave can set career back. Women often end up working part time due to circumstances even if their intention was career when pregnant with no 1 - birth injuries, twins, baby with additional needs.
Some benefits like bereavement support (widows allowance) still only paid to married people.
Obviously if OP independently wealthy then different but 2 people living in a flat in average jobs it is usually in females interest to marry before children.
OP just agree to split. It’s hard but you will meet someone and have a happier life. His reasons are awful. It will eat at your self esteem.

ProudThrilledHappy · 16/12/2021 14:27

@Nannyplum5

The more I think about it, the more angrier I get. Why should I sit around like a dick head waiting for him to propose/marry me whilst everyone is around me doing it. Why am I any different?Arsehole. Feel like telling him not to come home after work😂

Needed to get that off my chestGrin

Tell him you can’t wait for him to come home… probably
WaterBottle123 · 16/12/2021 14:36

@Dixiechickonhols

Exactly! Marriage lulls women into a false sense of security and they bad decisions to compromise their earnings.

My daughters are taught never marry and never ever rely on a man financially. And if you out earn him DEFINITELY don't marry.