Husband has had an affair

[LCBeauty]

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

I'm sorry to hear this. You talk about forgiving him - has he given an undertaking to end the affair?

Does he want forgiveness?
Has he asks he made a mistake?
Has he said he will stop seeing her?

Some women cannot forgive this, and you may be one of those. From my point of view it is the deceit that would make me unable to forgive. We are all only human and do not cease to be attracted tp others just because we are married/partnered ... it is what we do about it that matters. What he has done about it is to follow his dick and lie to you. I honestly do not think I could come back from that.

I am so very sorry that your OH has let you down so badly and hope that there is someone in RL who can help and support you.

Silly man. He has thrown so much away.

He said he doesn’t love her.. and has apologied.. he said he’s ruined everything it’s all his fault. His words. We haven’t sat down to talk yet.., I still don’t know if he will stop seeing her
He left the house last night and hasn’t been back yet. He said he feels so ashamed

You need to get angry and get a solicitor.

I know he’s destroyed me.. how do I begin to forgive because I don’t want a divorce..

You can only forgive him if he has chosen to stay in the marriage and you can fully trust him again. What other conversations have you had? Its very early days....you need to figure out if your lack of intimacy and arguments can be fixed so you both can have a good marriage. If not, he will continue seeing this woman or other women. It awful what you are going through but huge talks need to be had.

Where did he go when he left the house?

How come you were in his wallet? Did you have suspicions already?
Where did he go last night?

@LCBeauty

I know he’s destroyed me.. how do I begin to forgive because I don’t want a divorce..

I would reserve your judgement until you know the whole story . He may even have gone to hers last night . It may not even be your choice - he may decide to leave . I've seen that look of sheer panic in someone's eyes when there is discovery . The fact that he has left the house is to me alarming - he is getting his story together probably with her - what has happened , they didn't sleep together etc etc . Take your time - no need for rash decisions but open your eyes and your ears and listen and evaluate when he does come home .

@LCBeauty

I know he’s destroyed me.. how do I begin to forgive because I don’t want a divorce..

What if he ends up wanting a divorce?

He caused this, the only way you will heal is if he is proactive to repair the damage and allow you to do what you need to rebuild trust.

This is not for you to fix.

Otherwise you will go mad.

Interesting how he's only now so regretful and ashamed... Oh right, it's because he's been caught. His arse would be out permanently if I were you. This was no one off, he's been cheating and lying for six months, and it would have gone on if you hadn't found him out.

Is he willing to end the affair?

If he has gone to her surely that's your marriage over?

Stop starting with the how can I forgive this and start with the why did he think he could do this.

You need to find your anger

I don’t know where he is gone.. he said last night he was going to her. I can’t find him

Wasn’t going to hers

I’m in tears all day.. with my girls around.. I’ve got no one to turn to

I am so sorry OP.

You really need someone you can confide in in real life, so I’d find a good counsellor if you don’t want to talk to friends. You mustn’t be alone in this.

If you both want to try and save the marriage, then I’d suggest marriage guidance counselling, so you have a guided space to discuss it all - it will just be more productive. You will need to accept that the trust you had will be gone, so your marriage will be different, even if you both decide to stay in it. If you can, I’d try and think of it openly - as trying to find the best way forward, rather than to avoid divorce.

You are naturally in shock OP so please don't jump into making decisions yet. Your husband has the upper hand here because he knows what he is feeling and you are playing catchup. This could be an exit affair and whether you want to stay in the marriage is not your decision alone. You need to find your inner roar and get angry. This man has betrayed you cruelly. Hold on to your inner strength and you will get through this

Ok so first things first who is your best friend/confidante. Tell them.

Secondly set a timescale for contact from him. He might be unwell and need reporting as missing. The police will find him/have access to pinging his phone. Is his phone going straight to voicemail. WhatsApp showing as delivered.

Sort those out first then you can deal with the affair.

You dont need to make ANY decisions yet op.
Do you have anyone who can take your DC for a while to give you some breathing space?

I’d have £10 on him being with her.

I know I couldn’t forgive. You need an sti check too.

He contacted me this morning saying he come round to talk tomorrow. He won’t answer my calls

My best friend lives 45 mins away and has her own personal problems..