Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Husband has had an affair

225 replies

LCBeauty · 12/12/2021 11:58

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

OP posts:

Mamanyt · 12/12/2021 23:43

Regardless of admitting that he ruined everything, he's walked off to her, leaving you to deal with the bombshell. This is the act of a man who cares more for his own feelings than for yous.

And if you think that you can hide the pain you are in from your children, you cannot. They know something is going on, and, being children, will find a way to blame themselves, whether you go or stay. I will tell you that it is far, far healthier for them to come from a broken home than to live in one.

SO...if he is not will to make a firm commitment to ending the affair, and going into long-term couples counseling with you, then you need to protect yourself and your children, and begin making a new life for yourselves without him.

notangelinajolie · 12/12/2021 23:56

Why have you ruined everything?

IamGusFring · 13/12/2021 00:03

@notangelinajolie

Why have you ruined everything?

RTWFT

Snoop85 · 13/12/2021 00:31

Are you ok op? We are all here for you

Anordinarymum · 13/12/2021 00:58

Reading the OP first message what occurs to me is that if she had not found the receipt he would not have told her, and how does she know it has only been six months.
I would not be able to handle this. I would never trust him again, and it is things like this that turn everything sour.

PrincessNutella · 13/12/2021 01:25

If he tries to tell you or if anyone else tells you it is your fault, fuck them. He chose to break his vows.

HoppingPavlova · 13/12/2021 03:13

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything.

So you’ve ruined everything by catching him out having the affair. Words fail me. Wow.

Anordinarymum · 13/12/2021 03:33

@HoppingPavlova

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything.

So you’ve ruined everything by catching him out having the affair. Words fail me. Wow.

No he said he had ruined everything. People need to read the thread

Nineteen2ten · 13/12/2021 04:54

OP I hope you are OK.

Tiredofbs123 · 13/12/2021 06:24

Hey OP, I’ve been thinking of you. Are you ok?

htfdth · 13/12/2021 07:40

Thinking of you this morning OP, make sure to drink water and eat a little if you are able. I remember those first days of discovery and know how hard it is to function especially when you have little one to look after. Sending hugs your way xx

HoppingPavlova · 13/12/2021 08:46

Anordinarymum - No he said he had ruined everything. People need to read the thread

I read the thread and I pasted the quote from OP where: ‘He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything.’

I read that to mean he said OP had ruined everything? If he had said he had ruined everything then OP would have written ‘He did say sorry last night.. he said he’d ruined everything.’

Thewookiemustgo · 13/12/2021 09:17

@HoppingPavlova or maybe it was just punctuation that was missing?

The OP meant:

saturning · 13/12/2021 10:43

it's so hard when an affair is the reason for a separation/divorce. my heart goes out to you.

i just don't understand why men can't end marriages first if they aren't happy! sort out finances and then pursue a new relationship.

Still very hard to deal with but honesty and ending one relationship first is the right way to do it.

Please don't make any hasty decisions now. Find out what you can and don't play it the ways he expects you to (pleading, forgiveness etc).

Sadly, if he wants to divorce, he can and will.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 13/12/2021 10:50

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@HoppingPavlova or maybe it was just punctuation that was missing?

The OP meant:

He said, “I’ve ruined everything.” Instead of:
‘He said I’ve ruined everything’.
Same words, entirely different meaning thanks to punctuation.
I think that’s where the misunderstanding has come from and it is indeed unclear as written. The main thing is that we now know what the OP actually meant so we can all help. X[/quote]
^^ THIS. As this demonstrates, punctuation can completely alter the meaning of a sentence. When I first read it I also interpreted it as him blaming the OP.

WhoUsedMyName · 13/12/2021 11:03

Why wasn't he answering the phone ? Just a text to say he wants to come over and talk. You ok with this op?
I would 1000% be looking at divorce he's not crying on your door step , your not having to decline his calls Something doesn't sit right

OssieShowman · 13/12/2021 11:36

You might need to get a STI test. Sorry this has happened to you too.

lockdownalli · 13/12/2021 12:06

I was also thinking about STI test. So sorry OP. How are you feeling today? Have you told someone in real life so you have proper support?

maddening · 13/12/2021 12:16

You can advise the bank that they should not take withdrawals from just one party, advise any withdrawals must be cosigned by both parties.

MrsPerfect12 · 13/12/2021 12:37

I hope your talk goes okay today. Make sure he tells you where he has stayed and tell him you will confirm.

KitBiscuit · 13/12/2021 12:42

I mean, he broke your heart, left you in an absolute state looking after your DDs, didn't say where he was going, sending you one liners and not answering his phone?? Does this sound like a man who is devastated and sorry, OP? Does he fuck... I'm so so sorry you are having to go through this, It's absolutely brutal and no wonder you are in shock. You starting to forgive will have to start with him actually wanting to be forgiven. I hope you have managed to speak with him today and things make a bit more sense for you. Sending you all the love

Staryflight445 · 13/12/2021 13:59

‘ I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of’

That’s exactly why you should see a solicitor ASAP.

IAAP · 13/12/2021 17:22

How are you doing today?

maryzx · 13/12/2021 17:38

@maddening

You can advise the bank that they should not take withdrawals from just one party, advise any withdrawals must be cosigned by both parties.

No you can't. One party can't make a unilateral change to a joint account.

maddening · 13/12/2021 18:17

Maryzx yes, it is possible to place a freeze on the account even if couple is unmarried which then requires both parties to sign. How each bank carries it out might be different but in the Banks that I have worked in they have required both parties to approve transactions and withdrawals etc. The op may need to provide a letter to hold on file for example. But you definitely can do that.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread