Husband has had an affair

[LCBeauty]

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

@SantaMonicaPier

I'm so sorry for you. I also bet he's with OW and deciding if he wants to stay with her permanently while leaving you hanging. I would also take back control given his behaviour since he told you, and have his bags packed in the garden rather than letting him pick and choose who he's going to be with.

I'm so sorry too but I also think this is likely.

Even if he isn't with her, his instinct was to run away when caught out and then dictate on his terms when he will speak to you. Completely cowardly and selfish. All on his terms when he should be begging forgiveness and saying he will talk whenever you want about whatever you want.

Not declining your calls, the utter prick.

No no no, this is on his terms he’s a shit head! He’s biding time and with her op that’s obviously enjoying himself leaving you hanging! Cruel bastard, I would send him a text telling him his personal belongings are on the front garden, the thing is he’s not prepared to talk to you is he, making the other woman priority, my heart goes out to you love, please please think of yourself and the girls, he’s made his bed he can lie in it

I am the world's softest touch for giving people the benefit of the doubt but your H is really taking the piss.

How dare he just fuck off and leave you dealing with fallout and domestic commitments? Even if he was just naval gazing and not with the OW (which I very much doubt), he's still a grade A tosser.

I know this is hard but the first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Get copies of paperwork relating to all joint assets and finances. Let the bank know what's going on if you have joint accounts, or if possible withdraw half of any joint savings into your own personal account. Ensure you have birth and marriage certificates, passports etc tucked away in a safe place.

Check out local solicitors.

If for some reason your house is only in his name, register Matrimonial Homes Rights with the Land Registry - it's easy, free and you can find the details and forms easily online.

Once that's done, take a breath.

He is the one in the wrong here, its not up to him to decide what happens next, it's up to you. If him waltzing in tomorrow doesn't suit, tell him that and make sure you're out for the day.

If you want some space, pack his bags for him, or pack yours as PP suggested.

Look after yourself and your girls and take as much time as you need.

He's cheated on you.
If he actually wanted to stay, he'd be shitting himself and be begging forgiveness as YOU went away to give yourself time to think. What does he need to think about? He's in the wrong.

I'm not always convinced that affair =end, but only if the perpetrator wants to make amends. This doesn't look like he wants to.

Collosal piece of shit

Agree that he's sorry because he was caught.
He seems to have become complacent as well, if he was leaving receipts in his pocket.

@LCBeauty you are in total shock, your life as you know it has been turned upside down. I’m so, so sorry, this is awful beyond belief.

You don’t have to get a divorce yet. You don’t have to do anything yet except take care of yourself and your children. That is your priority. Give yourself time to absorb what has happened and get into a steadier mental space, you will need to think clearly and that is difficult now. If you can get support from family or friends, get it immediately. At present you need to survive. It is more than likely all you can cope with for now and that’s OK. It really is.

There is some stuff you definitely need NOT to do:

Don’t do anything impulsive designed to ‘win’ him back. He’s in the middle of an affair at the moment and not the person you thought he was. Whatever he says now will be damage limitation, trying not to look like the bad guy and minimising everything to make himself feel better about what a shit he’s being.

Don’t call him any more, he has gone to OW leaving you in agony and to pick up the pieces alone. Later on you will regret calling or begging and pleading massively. It’s only feeding his ego having two women fighting over him, it’s the part of the fuel of affairs, the forbidden triangle.

Do not try to make sense of this, there isn’t any. It’s a waste of mental energy.

Do not waste time now by pretending the status quo will return just yet. It might not. As what he has done starts to really dawn on you, you might not even want the status quo back. You might not believe that currently, that’s all you want because the alternative seems incomprehensible and horrendous. I get it OP, I really do. However, in the light of that, if you don’t know your financial situation, as soon as you feel calmer, find out, get it all out snd make copies. Tomorrow get a free appointment with a solicitor. You don’t have to tell anyone, it doesn’t mean you are going to get a divorce.

It’s all about protecting yourself and your children now.

He won’t expect to be ignored, he doesn’t want to be ignored. Ignore him. Go silent. He left, he betrayed you, he chose these things. He can call you. You’re going to get neither truth nor sense out of him currently, I assure you, his words are meaningless.

Take care OP, you and your family are the most important now. He can take his consequences.

Sorry @LCBeauty but his subsequent actions are not of someone who is regretful, sorry, and looking to work through it with you.

Get your ducks in a row ASAP

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!

How have you ruined everything? He had the affair.

How the hell have you ruined everything, this is him trying to project the problem onto you, when it's obviously him.

Has anyone mentioned The Script yet?

I’ve got 2 girls to think of!

You certainly do, and I hope you are thinking very hard about the kind of example you want to set for them, and how witnessing your marriage will set the tone for their own future. I don't see your husband putting your daughters first, he'd rather fuck the OW.

This is going to save you time and further heartbreak. I'm so sorry you're going through this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

@LCBeauty

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!

You've ruined everything?! Did I miss the part where you said you were having sex with someone else?

He's the one spending family money on his affair partner.

You have daughters, you need to show them you/they deserve better and leave this awful man.
He has destroyed your marriage, not you.

OP, you don't need to get a solicitor yet but you do need to start getting angry and being less passive.
He runs out the door and you are left to deal with the fallout as well as chasing him for contact.
Fuck that!
Kick the fucker out until you decide what you want to do.

Yes, think of your girls and go to a solicitor. So you know your options.

Stop doing the 'pick me' dance; you're giving him all the power in your relationship. He has done wrong here, not you, and he should be begging for your forgiveness and coming clean. Not running, hiding, and abandoning you with your girls to sort out on your own while you're reeling.

Stand up, get angry, dont do the pick me dance, it will not work and any self respect you have will be gone. Tell him to fuck off out of the house, do not respond to him, make him beg for forgiveness.

He has thrown a torch into your lives and then fucks off because he is ashamed. Please get angry.

@LCBeauty

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!

I know how devastated you are - because I watched my DSis go through the same almost 30yrs ago.

She threw him out. Insisted that he tell family and friends the truth (none of this "mutual agreement" rubbish) and that if he wanted to come back he should go into therapy to work out why he'd done it. No couples therapy as her view was that it was all on him.

He moved into a local B&B so he could still be near his DDs, 3-4 months later she let him move back in. He did find the therapy really valuable. They have just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and from everything I can see they are happy, and have been after a rocky year after the discovery. It took her a long time to learn to trust him again, but she said it did eventually come back. It can work, but you have to be able to face reality, don't hide what happened.

It’s absolutely your right not to go to a solicitor, seeing a solicitor does not mean you are going to divorce. It’s about knowing where you stand and protecting you and your girls in case he takes the decision out of your hands. He might, no matter how sorry he says he is now. He might say he’s not coming back OP. It’s a horrible reality caused by a selfish man currently playing his tiny violin at your expense. Where is he OP? With you and your girls, begging forgiveness and desperately trying to make everything ok? Seeing a solicitor isn’t necessarily about divorce, it’s about him not being able to blindside you or frighten you further about your future.

Saying he has ruined everything and is sorry from the ‘sanctuary’ of his OW’s house suggests he thinks neither of those things. He should be with you, she should be absolutely permanently out of the picture and he should be scurrying round trying to make it up to you. That’s what remorse looks like. What he’s doing is contemptuous and only his guilt talking at best. If he’s gone to her he’s not at all sorry for anyone except himself, because he’s actually making it worse for you by causing you further pain at your lowest ebb, OP.
I reconciled with my husband after an affair but he didn’t behave like this on discovery. There is no way in hell he’d have had a second chance if the first thing he did was skulk off and spend the night at his OW’s house. I’d have changed the bloody locks. However, I’m not you and you must do what you want re reconciliation, it’s nobody else’s business.

I do think you need to get savvy though.
Protect yourself OP. You don’t have to divorce if you don’t want to. You just need to know where you stand if he does. It’s just knowledge, it doesn’t mean you have to do anything now or even in the future.

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything.

You do know what gaslighting is, don't you? This is it. Part of the infamous script where he rewrites history and blames you for what he's done.

I think OP was saying that he said to her "I ruined everything" rather than saying she has ruined everything.

But he's still a cowardly cunt who has pathetically run away (likely to OW) instead of facing the music and is now dictating to OP when he will speak to her while ignoring her calls. What a prick.

@LCBeauty

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!

He said sorry. Then he went off to the OW's house, leaving you devastated. He refuses to talk to you or to answer your calls. He's left you to look after your children, knowing that you are suffering and need to talk.

You do need to think of your girls. You should talk to a solicitor, and make sure that you and they are protected from what is about to unfold.

I think people ate misunderstanding that part of OP's post. It means that 'he said "I've ruined everything" - not that the OP had.ruined everything.

Ì think the OP means that he says he was sorry last night and that he's ruined everything. Not her

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything.

YOU'VE ruined everything? Er - am I missing something here? Oh yes - I see it now: he had a nice cosy little set-up (wife and daughters at home, and sex with OW whenever he wants it), which is now ruined by you finding out about his affair.

He's not sorry at all for what he's done. If he was, he'd be with you now trying to sort things out, not AWOL (as others have said, probably with OW) and refusing to take your calls. But he's very, VERY sorry that he's got caught.

What a prick. You deserve better than this, OP.