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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has had an affair

225 replies

LCBeauty · 12/12/2021 11:58

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

OP posts:
houseonthehill · 12/12/2021 15:30

*are

SantasGoodLittleGirl · 12/12/2021 15:30

@LCBeauty

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!
It's because you have children that you need legal advice from a shl right away.

My husband got away with thousands because I was soft, shocked, wanted to cling on to my marriage. You won't do your daughters any favours by ensuring they have to grow up in poverty. See the solicitor and get moving.

Maddymorphosis · 12/12/2021 15:31

Please don't take this piece of shit back, I know you love him but this has proven that he doesn't respect you. He'll be with her right now, if she knows about you then she's just as vile as him.
Get his stuff in binbags and get your things sorted

CaptSkippy · 12/12/2021 15:33

@LCBeauty

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!
It's because you have two girls to think of is that you should get your ducks in a row. Get at leastr advice from a sollicitor and gather up whatever paperwork you think you need.

You may not want to divroce him, but he can get another woman to replace you, he will definitely divorce you.

oopsadaisee · 12/12/2021 15:34

I’ve got 2 girls to think of!

And is this what you want to teach them? That it’s ok for them to be treated like shit?
He has not stayed to fight for his family, he’s not begging & grovelling for your forgiveness.

MalbecandToast · 12/12/2021 15:38

The while time he's away with you and staying with her he is plotting and planning how to leave you OP. The longer you wait to face this the more time he has to try and fleece you. And he will, trust me he will. When it comes to money they are ruthless and will do anything they can to avoid sharing it. You need to get copies of any bank statements you both have to have an idea of what he has before he has chance to hide it. You need to find a solicitor and share this information with them. You need to get angry OP, so that you can get through this and then you can fall apart if you need to once you've done what you need to do. If you want to remain in your home with your children, act now. So bloody sorry OP, been there too Flowers

Avarua · 12/12/2021 15:43

Tell him that you're going away for the week to think - that the kids are his sole responsibility for the week as you are too devastated to function properly - but that nonetheless you will be back in one week for his apology for destroying your marriage and to talk properly about next steps. Then add that it is your absolute expectation that OW will not be allowed anywhere near your home and that the children will well cared for in your absence.
That'll take the wind out of his sails.

Avarua · 12/12/2021 15:44

If documents are not in the cloud then take copies of all documents on a memory stick.

Avarua · 12/12/2021 15:45

This week, he's got 2 girls to think of. Fuck him.

Jumpking · 12/12/2021 15:50

[quote AffableApple]This is going to save you time and further heartbreak. I'm so sorry you're going through this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script[/quote]
This is immense. I'd not come across it before.

OP-read it. You'll identify with lots I'm sure.

Now is not a time for hasty decisions, but do give yourself some space from him in order for you to work out what path you want to take. I like the idea of you packing a bag and leaving him in the house with the kids for the next week. You really need to look after you and process what has happened and how you wish to proceed.

All the best.

Riverlee · 12/12/2021 15:50

Sorry he’s had an affair, or sorry he’s got caught?

Six months is not a one-night drunken kiss. It’s a relationship. He’s been lying and deceiving you for six months! He could have ended it at any point, but he hasn’t.

Riverlee · 12/12/2021 15:52

He said you have ruined everything? Err, why? On the optimistic side, it’s because he was going to end it before you had found out. However, even if this was the case, he has still has a six month affair.

HollowTalk · 12/12/2021 15:54

The affair is one thing but going off like that and spending the weekend, clearly with her. Not answering his phone is absolutely unforgivable. He's obviously talking through his choices with her.

I know you need to think of your daughters and if you do want to make the marriage last you have to be really really tough on him now.

Don't beg, don't plead. Tell him he has to get out and that you will not be treated like this. It's the only way that he will respect you.

Bjarnum · 12/12/2021 15:56

He is still controlling the narrative by saying when and how he will chose to speak with you! Get all your ducks in a row re documents, solicitor advice. You don't have to act on it but will be prepared if you need to - for example when it gets to be all your fault and he has been unhappy for ages etc etc. You cant make this work on your own and he doesn't seem to be making any effort. So sad this is happening to you

Fashio · 12/12/2021 15:57

I fear his lack of compassion after you found out tells you all you need to know
GET MONEY SORTED NOW

HollowTalk · 12/12/2021 15:57

Just thinking, he took her out for a meal on Saturday afternoon when you were at home with the children? He isn't even trying to hide anything, is he?

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/12/2021 15:57

He’s not on your team anymore, he’s had his head turned & you have to defend those girls now.

Notbeforemycoffeeplease · 12/12/2021 15:58

OP I’m very sorry you’re going through this and I hate to say it but based on what you’ve said I don’t think he’s particularly sorry. It’s unimaginably hard when you love someone and have built a life and family with them but you deserve better as do your children.

77kidsandcounting · 12/12/2021 16:00

Oh hun please get some self respect, your husband has been having a 6 month affair and your saying how can you forgive him? Your saying you love him but he obviously doesn't love you otherwise he wouldnt have been sleeping with someone else and also fucked off for 2 days instead of begging for your forgiveness.

Please get some perpective on this for you and your girls sake. What message are you sending them?

Nancy83 · 12/12/2021 16:01

Sorry this has happened to you OP.

You don’t need to make any decisions immediately and you can always change your mind.

Regardless of what you do, you do need someone to talk to. Relate might help you process your thoughts. It’s not just for couples but also individuals going through a difficult time.

Good luck OP Flowers

Twoweekcruise · 12/12/2021 16:03

I am sorry you are going through this op.
It’s a huge shock and you need to really think things through.
But do ask yourself if you had never found that receipt what would your dh be doing right now? Probably still having the affair! I just don’t think I could even begin to forgive an affair unless my dh had come clean about it. You dh would still be deceiving you if you had never found that receipt.

BadNomad · 12/12/2021 16:05

He's only sorry he got caught.

1forAll74 · 12/12/2021 16:08

Maybe he has gone off, because of the shame factor, or he can't face the music immediately, and because of the shock of being found out.Whatever, he needs to sit down and tell you what is going on. Then it is up to you,to process this awful happening, and what you will do about it all.

I wouldn't involve any female friends in this, as you will just get mixed messges from them obviously. You have to think things out for yourself, however devastated you feel.

SarahBellam · 12/12/2021 16:08

If he has gone to hers then it's likely he is choosing her, not you, so forgiving him doesn't really matter because it sounds like he may not be bothered about being forgiven. This isn't a drunken one night stand, and it's not just about sex if they're meeting up for lunches. At 6 months it is entirely possible that he does love her. You have said that there were difficulties and little intimacy, so he may have mentally checked out anyway.

user38764345 · 12/12/2021 16:08

@KaycePollard

because I don’t want a divorce

Make him leave to give you space. Make him realise what he’s missing. Making him leave doesn’t mean you have to divorce - just some time for you to think things through without his cheating face in your way all the time.

He’ll realise what he’s put in jeopardy and then you can negotiate what YOU need without his emotional blackmail in your face all the time.

This xx