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Original poster

Husband has had an affair

225 replies

LCBeauty · 12/12/2021 11:58

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 18:30

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turnaroundtime · 12/12/2021 18:32

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maryzx · 12/12/2021 18:36

@Bananarama21

I'm so sorry op what a shock. Let's remember guys that op has just found this out and is relatively fresh her head must be all over the place.Flowers
I was going to say very similar. Processing the shock of this discovery is enough for her to be getting on with for the next few days. People are too quick to bring their own stories and own narratives to bear on other people's experiences. Whatever the OP does has to be right for her. At the moment, I don't imagine she has a clue what that might be, and she won't know for a while yet.
oakleaffy · 12/12/2021 18:41

@whywouldntyou

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
If ever you have been in this situation, it comes like a body~blow of disbelief. OP will be reeling, she won't be in a position to be replying to anyone.

It's awful when there is infidelity..

I was cheated upon, and voiced my suspicions to OH, only to be told I was 'Being silly'

It was my Dad who caught him out, bu reading the mileometer on DH's car...
DH denied and denied it until confronted with this ~ He went chalk white and left the next day.

He married the OW as soon as our divorce was final, and they divorced 2 yrs later. {I was glad!}

We too had had lack of communication and arguments..So easy to see with the benefit of hindsight.

IAAP · 12/12/2021 18:46

@LCBeauty

He contacted me this morning saying he come round to talk tomorrow. He won’t answer my calls
Why does he get to set the agenda ? Knowing he had affair -he goes without saying where to?

Begging forgiveness -he isn't.

He's either gone to see her or gone for some 'me space' in either case he is NOT putting you first.

Text him and say you have 1 hour to ring me or be here -I need answers -else don't bother. You don't set the agenda mate.

gonnabeok · 12/12/2021 18:49

OP, I've been where you are right now. Take my advice:-

  1. Don't rush and make any decision on what you want to do - your emotions are all over the place - it will be a rollercoaster - anger, rage, shock, disbelief, if you don't feel ready to speak to him then don't -
  2. Make sure you eat a little and drink (not alcohol) - take time off work if you need to
  3. If he tells you he hasn't had sex with her don't believe him. They always minimalise what they have done with the other woman, to keep one foot in the door with you. He will try and get you to feel sorry for him. Don't - he knew what he was doing and he knows how to say "NO" of course.
  4. Make sure you tell your family so you have some support -the chumplady website is also good
  5. He's only sorry you caught him - not for the affair - he says he hasnt gone to hers I bet he has.
  6. Don't do the pick me dance. If I was you I would cut all contact for a few days to give yourself time to think.
  7. If you have any joint accounts - remove half of the funds and notify the bank that you are separated at the moment - they will put a freeze on your account - just in case he withdraws all or half of the money. That happened to me - I wasn't quick enough.
  8. You may wish to save your marriage but he must be honest about things, end it with her and want to save your relationship. He will need to work hard to earn your trust back. That is a difficult road and some people do manage it with counselling but he has to really want it and if he is with her and not answering your messages then he may not be as sorry as you think.
Nowayoutonlydown · 12/12/2021 18:57

im so sorry, him leaving once you found out isnt a good sign. him not answering the phone isnt a good sign.
He is most likely with her. Please be armed with the likelihood thats where he is.

If he wanted to be in your marriage making things better, he would be trying right now, not wherever he is.

like PPs have suggested, make sure you draw 50% from all accounts, collect paperwork, prepare for your marriage to be falling apart, even if thats not what you want, dont leave yourself undone.

Now you know about his affair, its 50/50 how things will go from him, either you are the most important thing, or his wants and her are, at that point he will think nothing of leaving you penniless...and sadly it looks like hes gone to her.

SunshineCake1 · 12/12/2021 19:03

@Nevertime

Oh I quoted the wrong post, one that was making the same point I tried to Blush Sorry.
I wondered at first then realised you were agreeing with me!

The post I was replying to has been deleted.

maryzx · 12/12/2021 19:09

If you have any joint accounts - remove half of the funds and notify the bank that you are separated at the moment - they will put a freeze on your account - just in case he withdraws all or half of the money

Please don't do this. By all means make copies of/print off joint bank statements in case you do ever need them as evidence of assets (just in case he were to decide to clear them out) - but don't interfere with any joint accounts yourself.

PP are also assuming that the husband holds the financial reins. OP hasn't said whether or not she is earning. She could be earning more than he is, or could be a SAHM. We don't know...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/12/2021 19:15

As things stand, he is not behaving in a way that remotely resembles remorse - he is literally still doing what he wants and to hell with your feelings

Yes, as if this wasn't bad enough the walking away and leaving OP unable to contact him (doubtless because he's with the OW) is especially cruel, as is deciding just how long he'll keep her in limbo

It's complicated by the fact that he's way ahead of you OP, and has had time to think what his own arrangements will be
Sadly, even if you were to try again with him the lack of trust would probably end the marriage eventually; a six month affair isn't something you'll be able to forget, so awful as it is, it could be best to end things now

The only piece of good news is that you don't have to decide anything in a rush, but I'd certainly be getting legal advice

IHateCoronavirus · 12/12/2021 19:30

Ah op Flowers what a shock. Agree with the pps who are saying don’t let him control the agenda. He fucked up. Let him squirm.

Bobbins36 · 12/12/2021 19:31

He’s gone awol after being found out. He’s seeing what the chances are with the OW first before trying to explain himself to you. Scumbag. Sling him out.

IamGusFring · 12/12/2021 19:40

@maryzx

If you have any joint accounts - remove half of the funds and notify the bank that you are separated at the moment - they will put a freeze on your account - just in case he withdraws all or half of the money

Please don't do this. By all means make copies of/print off joint bank statements in case you do ever need them as evidence of assets (just in case he were to decide to clear them out) - but don't interfere with any joint accounts yourself.

PP are also assuming that the husband holds the financial reins. OP hasn't said whether or not she is earning. She could be earning more than he is, or could be a SAHM. We don't know...

I don't see why she can't ask the bank to freeze any savings accounts at least if not others - in fact she does not know where he is and this is what my bank HSBC did when I told them . It is protection .
IamGusFring · 12/12/2021 19:43

@SeigneurLapindeGrantham

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I'm just amazed at the sheer front of him telling you he'll talk to you tomorrow.

I'd be unavailable tomorrow and at any time until it's convenient for you to communicate with him. Don't let him call the shots.

Yes he is a cheeky c*nt!
lobsteroll · 12/12/2021 19:58

He is taking the piss and trying to put himself in the position of power by calling all the shots.

Prove him wrong.

LostForIdeas · 12/12/2021 19:59

@LCBeauty

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!
He said YOU have destroyed everything? Nit him by having an affair but you?!?

On which planet is he living?

Mix56 · 12/12/2021 20:07

Do not play the "pick me" dance
You are better than this.
He went straight to her, He is not sorry, He is just sorry to have been caught out.
You ate entitled to time & space
Consult CAB, solicitor.
Information is Power

riceuten · 12/12/2021 20:07

@LCBeauty

He did say sorry last night.. he said I’ve ruined everything. I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!
He's not sorry. If you hadn't caught him out, you'd be none the wiser. He spent the night at hers, and you still want to be with him ?
mrsrat · 12/12/2021 20:07

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 20:22

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MorkandMandy · 12/12/2021 20:22

It’s okay to hate everything you’re hearing here atm OP. It’s the stage where you’ll do anything to go back to normal. But you’ll start to see soon that’s not possible. And as much as you feel a marriage is best for your kids, they’ll thank you a whole lot more for modelling self-respect and healthy relationships. Life isn’t perfect. They need to see how you deal with it. And I’m so sorry this happened.

PopUpShop · 12/12/2021 20:24

The OP can post whatever the hell she likes mrsrat - there’s no need to shout - just bizarre!

grapewine · 12/12/2021 20:24

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MadeForThis · 12/12/2021 20:25

He's probably with her.
You need to tell someone in real life.
Stop calling him. You can't believe him anyway.

Tirediam · 12/12/2021 20:28

So sorry this has happened OP. Chances are he was with her. He’s being so cruel by making contact all on his terms… you’ve done nothing wrong ! He should be BEGGING you on his knees for forgiveness not being elusive !

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