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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has had an affair

225 replies

LCBeauty · 12/12/2021 11:58

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2021 12:55

@LCBeauty

He contacted me this morning saying he come round to talk tomorrow. He won’t answer my calls
He won't answer your calls because he's with the OW.
PurpleDaisies · 12/12/2021 12:55

@LCBeauty

He contacted me this morning saying he come round to talk tomorrow. He won’t answer my calls
And that’s the behaviour of someone really sorry and wanting to sort it out?
Thefuturestory · 12/12/2021 12:56

He’s with her OP. Your update has confirmed that for me. He should be desperate to talk to you yet he’s delaying it til tomorrow on HIS terms. And you get to look after the children whilst upset.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 12/12/2021 12:59

He's absolutely with her. Horrible, horrible man. Do NOT let him have the upper hand when you sit down to talk. If he's not truly and humbly asking for forgiveness, you haven't even got the foundations of a conversation. I couldn't forgive him - no second chances.

Nevertime · 12/12/2021 12:59

He doesn't want you to forgive him. A receipt could easily be explained away or minimised as a one off. The only reason he told you he's been seeing her for 6 months is that he wants a way out.

Is there someone you can be with while you sort out the way forward for yourself? You don't need to do anything quickly.

beastlyslumber · 12/12/2021 12:59

He's not asking for your forgiveness. He's making you run after him. He's disappeared off to leave you to deal with this and with your kids by yourself.

What an absolute shithead.

I'm sorry, OP, I know you are devastated. But his behaviour towards you is disgusting.

Be angry. What would you think if someone treated your best friend or your daughter this way? Extend that same love and protection to yourself, please.

Could you call your best friend anyway, ask her for half an hour to chat? Do you have a sister or another close friend you could talk to? The samaritans can be very good (depends on who you get answering the call tbh).

litterbird · 12/12/2021 13:00

I know you are in deep shock right now. You need friends and family to support you immediately. Your husband said he is coming to talk to you tomorrow, not, I am coming home to work this out. Please talk to people IRL. When he talks do not agree to anything until you have consulted a solicitor. He is holding all the cards right now. That needs to change.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 13:00

So he is having himself a few days to choose.

Don't do the Pick Me dance op..
Have his stuff in the garden for 9 am and tell him he needs to be there before it gets wet...

Maze76 · 12/12/2021 13:01

I’ve been where you are, and I am so sorry.
First find one person in real life who you can confide in, do not tell all your family and friends.
Second try not to over think.. I know this is easier said than done, but when we are in trauma, our mind plays tricks in us, which can lead to words and actions that we regret later on.
Thirdly- Recognise what your husband has done. He has lied to you, cheated physically and possible emotionally with another, dropped the bomb in your lap and literally left you alone to deal with the explosion.
He has given no thought to how you could react to this news , he has again selfishly put his needs before yours.
If and when he does return, listen to what he has to say, try not to react and do not beg him to stay. How he communicates and what he says will tell you all you need to know.
I offer this advice because it’s what I wished I had done. Best case scenario, he begs forgiveness and offers to do everything you ask in order to repair the damage, but even then you will find it a battle.

Jurassicparkinajug · 12/12/2021 13:03

Ah im so sorry OP. Its really early days and you'll still be in shock. You will need time to process everything. Its not just him being with another woman, its the lies and deceit that hurt so much. It is possible to have a good relationship after one person has an affair but it takes time and good communication. You will need relationship counselling together. For now though, please don't think any of this is your fault. I hope you can find someone to talk to and get some support x

Thefuturestory · 12/12/2021 13:07

To be honest I’d be sending him the grocery shopping list snd asking him to go Asda and drop it around. No way would he be getting to spend Sunday with OW and you pick up domestic shit

maddening · 12/12/2021 13:09

Right, you go through everything,.paperwork, emails,.social media, collect evidence and get full assessment of finances.

You are in limbo, so may as well be practical.

It is likely he is with ow, trying to see if he can jump ship. If she won't take him straight in he will be back saying he wants to give it another go.

If he was trying to rescue the relationship he would be ensuring you had no doubt that he was not with her.

He is looking at his options. You are not his first choice or his first consideration.

I would take the power out if his hands and tell him not to come back.

Moonface123 · 12/12/2021 13:17

l would sling every item of his out on to the street, tell as many people as l know what he has choosen to do, and tell him to stay well away.
Forgiving him won't change anything, he doesn't respect you now, and he will only respect you less.
You deserve alot better.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 13:18

@LCBeauty

My best friend lives 45 mins away and has her own personal problems..
If she was in your position, even if you had your own personal problems, you'd want her to tell you wouldn't you? So you could chat to her and calm her down, talk her through shock etc? Let her do that for you.
gogohm · 12/12/2021 13:19

You need to verify what he's saying, do you have jojnt finances if so look for unusual spending and when it started. You need to also stop trusting him now, he may end it and you can rebuild but the early signs aren't good if he doesn't even want to talk today. Gather all the important documents, check account balances of of Friday, and start thinking through a plan b, if you don't work full time and/or earn low wages look at the process for uc, takes weeks for a payment so best to start the process asap, I think you can set up an account without starting the claim, do that today.

Whether there's an ow or simply that they have stopped loving you it's a shock, don't let that be a weakness and let him call the shots

Finknottlesnewt · 12/12/2021 13:19

@Thefuturestory

To be honest I’d be sending him the grocery shopping list snd asking him to go Asda and drop it around. No way would he be getting to spend Sunday with OW and you pick up domestic shit
Absolutely THIS .

You send him that grocery list and tell him he needs to care for HIS children. You are not in the right place to have all the domestic /mental family load on your shoulders today .. and he doesn't get to devastate his family and go navel gazing

Too many women in this situation often make it easier for men to do this . You have marriage problems. Doesn't stop his responsibilities as a father .

KaycePollard · 12/12/2021 13:28

because I don’t want a divorce

Make him leave to give you space. Make him realise what he’s missing. Making him leave doesn’t mean you have to divorce - just some time for you to think things through without his cheating face in your way all the time.

He’ll realise what he’s put in jeopardy and then you can negotiate what YOU need without his emotional blackmail in your face all the time.

htfdth · 12/12/2021 13:41

@Maze76

I’ve been where you are, and I am so sorry. First find one person in real life who you can confide in, do not tell all your family and friends. Second try not to over think.. I know this is easier said than done, but when we are in trauma, our mind plays tricks in us, which can lead to words and actions that we regret later on. Thirdly- Recognise what your husband has done. He has lied to you, cheated physically and possible emotionally with another, dropped the bomb in your lap and literally left you alone to deal with the explosion. He has given no thought to how you could react to this news , he has again selfishly put his needs before yours. If and when he does return, listen to what he has to say, try not to react and do not beg him to stay. How he communicates and what he says will tell you all you need to know. I offer this advice because it’s what I wished I had done. Best case scenario, he begs forgiveness and offers to do everything you ask in order to repair the damage, but even then you will find it a battle.
Good advice here, I've also been where you are right now and chose to try and make it work. I absolutely regret doing so and the mess 3 years on is so much worse. Find someone to talk to, don't make any rash decisions and make sure everything is on your terms. He did this to you and your children none of this is your fault. Sending hugs x
CorrBlimeyGG · 12/12/2021 13:49

Call your best friend. She'll want to be there for you, whatever she's got going on.

Bookworm20 · 12/12/2021 13:55

So not only has he been having an affair. The lying piece of shit has now gone awol leaving you to deal with this bombshell and not telling you whete he is and not to call him??
No calls means he’s with her.
I’m so sorry op.
What an absolute scumbag. I could never forgive this, ever.
I’d not let him back. He’s basically dropped this on you and then fucked off. And he’ll come back and talk when HE chooses? Errrr no.
If he’s not going to face the music when you want answers he can be permanently gone.
No way should he be dictating HIS terms as to when he’ll talk.
If you want to talk he should be answering his bloody phone and getting back pronto.

Honestly. So sorry op. You must be heartbroken. And he’s not even acting like he’s sorry from what you’ve written.

Bet he’ll only come back if ow tells him he can’t move in there as I expect he’s there thrashing out his options with her as he’s probably thinking now it’s over with you.
That’s why he’s said tomorrow. So he can either be prepared to beg you (if she says no) or tell you he’s moving in with her.

He’s thinking of himself only. Not you and your dc.

God. Why are men such shits?

SantasGoodLittleGirl · 12/12/2021 13:56

Stop.

Don't forgive him.
He has broken your world.
He's only sorry he's been caught.
He will do it again.

Don't call him. If he comes round, let him get some things and send him on his way.

He has told her he has left you and chosen her. He is acting as if he holds all the cards. Make your sol

SantasGoodLittleGirl · 12/12/2021 13:59

Er? Posted? Solicitors appointment asap a d don't speak with him until you know where you stand.

Right now, you are at your most vulnerable. He will use this to take advantage.

You can't go back.

thymetologout · 12/12/2021 14:11

If you want things to work out your way you need to scare the shit out of him. So, pack a bag, and when he comes round tomorrow tell him you want a divorce, 50:50 custody and in the meantime you are off to a hotel for week as you need some space.

That will take the wind out of his sails. At the moment he is envisaging a nice cosy set up with the OW, while the (ex) wife covers all his domestic duties and the kids are not his responsibility (except for the occasional Disney dad moments to suit his timetable). Disabuse him of that immediately.

What you don't do, is cry, plead, do the pick me dance or anything of the like. It won't make him respect you, or value you or even feel sorry for you. It will repulse him as in his eyes he is the victim in this story, the poor unappreciated man. Anything that even suggests he might be a bastard is unpalatable to him.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, it hurts like hell. However, one day you will look back on this moment and recognise him for the pathetic bastard that he is Flowers

SantaMonicaPier · 12/12/2021 14:16

I'm so sorry for you. I also bet he's with OW and deciding if he wants to stay with her permanently while leaving you hanging. I would also take back control given his behaviour since he told you, and have his bags packed in the garden rather than letting him pick and choose who he's going to be with.

redbigbananafeet · 12/12/2021 14:22

OP can you also imagine what he's told the OW? He'll say he finally told you so that they could be together properly. That your calling to beg him to reconsider and that's why he's not picking up your calls. Not only has he betrayed and hurt you, he's making a mockery of you. He's hiding away having a lovely Sunday with her while your world falls apart.