Husband has had an affair

[LCBeauty]

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, I'm just amazed at the sheer front of him telling you he'll talk to you tomorrow.

I'd be unavailable tomorrow and at any time until it's convenient for you to communicate with him. Don't let him call the shots.

I’m not going to a solicitor just yet. I’ve got 2 girls to think of!

That is exactly why you should be getting legal advice. I am so sorry you are in this position and you must be very shocked, but you need to tell someone in RL. This isn't going to go away OP and you need help. He has OW to confide in and talk to, and possibly other friends who have facilitated his betrayal.

He has lied to you over and over again, for months. All so he could pursue another woman. You will never be able to trust him again.

If he’s left the house rather than talk to you, then I’d be very surprised if he’s not gone immediately to her to talk about what to do with you and what stage they are at together. Otherwise, if he’s only interested in you, why is he not with you on his hands and knees? I’m not saying this to kick you, but because it’s really important that you don’t unwittingly accept a situation where you are any sort of second pick. Hope you’re okay.

I am so sorry this has happened to you OP. You must be in shock.
Instead of staying and trying to discuss the situation, he has gone off somewhere (presumably to the OW) and has said he will discuss it with you tomorrow.
This is to give him time to get his story straight and perhaps to find out exactly where he stands with the other woman - ie. might they now move in with each other.

It is now important that you take back control of the situation. This does not mean that you have to make a decision right now to throw him out and get a divorce or to take him back and forgive everything. It means giving yourself time to think about what has happened and to process this to decide what it is that you want.

Do not do the pick-me dance.
Do not beg him to come back.
Tell him that he should move out for a while so that you have some space.
Go to a solicitor and get some advice as to what your options are. This does not mean you are then committed to getting a divorce. It means arming yourself with facts about how the process of a divorce works and what you would be entitled to. This will mean you are well-informed and are not thrown by any bullshit he might come up with - eg. you can't afford to live on your own, you'll be entitled to nothing etcetc as manipulative tactics to force you to take him back OR him telling you he's divorcing you to be with the other woman and stating what he is entitled to

He's gone to see what she wants and get their story straight.

Tell him not to bother coming tomorrow. He can speak to your solicitor.

If he was sorry he'd have stayed.

OP, what would life look like if you divorce? Is it an acceptable picture to you? What would need to change for you to feel safe and ok in that senario? Think jobs and finances and childcare and friends and family support.

Whether you choose to stay with your husband or not, you need to change things in your life and relationship to get to a point where you know you’d be ok if you divorced. Because then staying together is a choice you make because you want to and not because you need to. And if you don’t stay together, well, you know you’ll be fine.

He left the house last night and hasn’t been back yet. He said he feels so ashamed

And then he told you that he was going round to see her and hasn't been back?!

Well, he's either lying about not loving her and he's round there seeing if they have a future or he's ran away rather than face the music. Either way, his handling of it it atrocious!

OP, how old are your daughters? Are they old enough to understand what's happened?

@Avarua

Tell him that you're going away for the week to think - that the kids are his sole responsibility for the week as you are too devastated to function properly - but that nonetheless you will be back in one week for his apology for destroying your marriage and to talk properly about next steps. Then add that it is your absolute expectation that OW will not be allowed anywhere near your home and that the children will well cared for in your absence. That'll take the wind out of his sails.

Op PLEASE don't do this. Please don't leave the house but let him stay there without you - my sister did this and her husband moved his affair GF into their house! Also it will give your husband a chance to rifle through the house and remove documents and items. Please don't use your children as pawns as this post above suggests (I'm sure you wouldn't) And the golden rule - NEVER make threats that you are not prepared to carry out.

I think it’s absolutely horrible of him to leave you alone like this in a state of shock to deal with your daughters and process this unsupported. Cowardly.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is being a git.

I am so sorry this has happened to you

I understand that of course, right now, you don't want a divorce - the shock, the upheaval, the reimagining of your future, your girls. - it's too much. BUT this is only day one and your actions now will shape your future. So please try to find the strength to do the following:

Even if you don't mean it, you must insist that you need space and don't know if you can ever forgive. him. The fact of the matter is that you DON'T know, and as things stand, he is not behaving in a way that remotely resembles remorse - he is literally still doing what he wants and to hell with your feelings.

Unless you put down some resistance now rather than playing 'pick me', he will have zero respect for you and if you do manage to salvage your marriage it will be on his terms and you will never feel secure.

So even if it breaks your heart - he needs to go for a while. He needs to beg, go to couples counselling, stay in for a year - whatever you want him to do - and he needs to go it willingly because he is horrified and wants to save his marriage. And it may be that, with time and space, you decide this is unforgivable (as most would) and that he has blown it. But that needs to be your decision to be made when you have had time to process it. Not now whilst you have had your heart ripped out of your chest.

Be dignified for your girls and be uncompromising for yourself.

Hi OP,

Sorry your going through this, the pain is indescribable. I found out my DP cheated on me a month ago, different circumstances but the pain is the same.

My first advice, is that it is too fresh to even think about forgiveness yet. I’m 4 weeks in and forgiveness is not on the table yet, but acceptance is your first step.

My second bit of advice, is don’t try and make any decisions right now - because his actions will help guide you on the way through.
He firstly needs to end the affair, for good. And erase any contact he could possibly have some said women. And he needs to put you first no matter what.
Can I ask, did you ask him to leave, or did he leave on his own accord?

Actions are far far more important than words.
I believe it is possible to be in a better place following an affair, but it will take every bit of emotional effort you both can give. It needs 110% from both of you, and it isn’t a path for the faint hearted.

The easiest option will be to separate, that honestly would be the easiest thing. But as you have said you want to stay, I just want to prepare you for the difficult path you are going to face.

You are still in shock, and will be for awhile. Don’t expect to understand your emotions or even control them yet. I went for sobbing my heart out to screaming that my DP is a complete c*nt in less then 2 seconds. It’s confusing, it’s draining but it’s needed. Don’t suffer in silence and don’t downplay any emotions because they will only return to haunt you.

Honesty is the only way to understand whether you can aim towards acceptance. My DP asked every intrusive questions I asked and I believe he answered honestly, there are things I wish I never asked as they make me sick to my core - but to be able to get a true picture of what your up against, you will need to know the horrid details.

Please feel free to message me privately any time, I will happily give any small bits of advice I can. Be kind to yourself OP, don’t blame yourself or question your actions. You did nothing to cause your DH to make this choice xxx

Here's a couple of real home truths for you.... if you hadn't caught him out, he'd continue to carry on with her. Only the fact that you caught him has (possibly) stopped him. He's not sorry he cheated. He's sorry he got caught. And chances are he's gone to the OW, unless she's married, too. Where else would he go? You need to think hard on these two points. Let the decisions about the marriage go for a bit. You need to absorb the truth about his behaviour and the mental processes that allowed him to think cheating was OK in the first place.

Please stop trying to contact him. Right now the best thing you can do is to maintain a dignified silence. In fact, maintaining your dignity should be your number 1 priority right now. It may be hard, but you will be so glad you didn't do the 'pick me dance' or go into tears and hysterics with him. Shed your tears in private, but let the face you show him be steely and calm. Trust me on this.

And think about this, too. Men will do/say just about anything to keep their home comforts and their 'reputations'. They don't want to wash their own pants, they don't want to be known as cheats. Not to mention not wanting to pay child maintenance or lose any of 'their' assets.

The same happened to my cousin. Her cheating exH cried, begged, and agreed to counseling. In the midst of counseling after he'd sworn on his children's lives that he was no longer seeing the OW and was committed to healing the marriage, my cousin's BFF spotted them strolling together in the mall the next town over, holding hands and all lovey-dovey. My cousin was destroyed at finding out he was still seeing her because when she first found out she'd told him to leave if that was what he wanted, but he insisted that he didn't want to 'break up his family' (meaning, he didn't want to disrupt his own life). The fact is that he could compartmentalize his life. His marriage and family life had nothing to do with his 'other' life with OW. He actually felt that as long as his wife didn't find out he wasn't 'hurting anyone'.

Please do call someone. Even if your friend has her own troubles, if she's a good friend she'll have some spare room in her heart to share yours. If it was the reverse, wouldn't you want her to call you even if it was to share your tears with each other? You aren't asking for answers, you just want someone to listen because saying things 'out loud' can help you deal with them. If not her, call a family member, just pick someone who you can trust to keep your confidence.

It’s ok to not be ready to start filing for divorce. Some couples do work past these episodes. I’m not advocating one path or another, just recognizing that rebuilding a marriage with children after an affair is a path many couples choose.

For now though, you need to let yourself be angry. You need to stop thinking about forgiveness. First, because you have the right to be angry. As much as you are worried about the family this impacts, you are still at the center of this and you matter. Second, rebuilding only works of both partners are fully committed. There is no point wasting your emotional energy trying to forgive him and set yourself to rebuilding if he won’t meet you there.

There will come a day where you have to forgive him no matter what, because no matter what happens you will always be co-parents, but that path looks different than the one where you try to maintain the marriage.

Give yourself time. Be angry for now. Make copies of important documents and get all the account numbers because it’s always a good idea to have those handy. You don’t have to make any decisions today or even next week.

So he’s calling the shots - when he’s ready to speak….. really!

Why do people post on here thinking they get to tell the OP what to do and feel the need to be unkind, unhelpful and bitchy?

Maybe they have decided their opinion is law and has to be adhered to but maybe they should look at what is lacking in their lives that they need to be a bitch to a stranger.

Maybe get some self awareness and learn how to be kind to someone who is hurting or show their DCs how it is nicer to be supportive than dictatorial.

@SunshineCake1

Why do people post on here thinking they get to tell the OP what to do and feel the need to be unkind, unhelpful and bitchy?

Maybe they have decided their opinion is law and has to be adhered to but maybe they should look at what is lacking in their lives that they need to be a bitch to a stranger.

Maybe get some self awareness and learn how to be kind to someone who is hurting or show their DCs how it is nicer to be supportive than dictatorial.

Why do people post on here just to kick someone when they're down?

No doubt OP with reflect on everything she's feeling and the advice shes5been given over the coming days. Nothing she does today is a final decision.

Why would you even want this to ever work with him op?
He has told you this, and then ran away.

Surely that should tell you what his priorities are, it certainly isn’t you.
So sorry you’re going through this, but he’s not even grovelling.

I think he’s showed his true colours by walking out on you after dropping the bombshell that is the worse news a spouse could hear. He has left you devastated with no way to discuss it or process it with him. I would be willing to bet he went straight round to hers (you now know he is capable of deceit and lies) hence why you couldn’t get hold of him. What a coward. I couldn’t get passed that Op but you must do what you feel is best for you and your family. You need to get passed the shock first. You won’t be able to think rationally at the moment. The emotions will be overwhelming. I’ve been where you are. once the dust settled and I started to think straight, I saw him for what he was. My feelings changed and that was the end. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I know how much it hurts.

Oh I quoted the wrong post, one that was making the same point I tried to Sorry.

@crosbystillsandmash I read it that he said HE ruined everything. "I've' as in him saying that about himself. I hope so

OP please try to find your anger, if not for yourself for your daughters. How dare he break up their family l like this. How dare he abandon you all today whilst he (likely w ith OW) is trying to worm his way out of this.

I know is is hard, but from now on he is NOT your friend. You do not treat someone you care about the way he has treated you and your daughters.