Husband has had an affair

[LCBeauty]

My whole world came crashing down last night. I found a receipt inside my husbands wallet for a restaurant meal he went to that afternoon. I asked him ‘did you go out for lunch today?’ He said no. Oh just that there is a receipt in your wallet.. he walked into the kitchen and Mumbled something,, my instinct felt like something was wrong. He came through and said yes I was out for lunch with someone and women that he has been seeing for 6 months.. I felt the blood drain from my face.. shaking. We have been married for 14 years and I love him. We have 2 beautiful girls that we are so proud of. We have had issues, not enough intimacy, arguments.. but I and we do try harder. I am so heartbroken and I don’t have anyone to talk to! I just can’t believe he has done this to us. What do I do.. how can I forgive him?

OP,
Please check out "Chumplady" - she talks a lot of sense.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I've been there myself and it's a lousy place to be.

@LCBeauty

He contacted me this morning saying he come round to talk tomorrow. He won’t answer my calls

He’s probably at hers. My husband did exactly the same- They lie. Where else will he be but at the other woman’s place? He may not love her, but sure as hell won’t be having arguments and intimacy issues with the OW

YET!

So sorry OP.
Especially at this time of year.
It really hurts.

Hang on….he’s said that YOU have ruined everything??? No, no and fuck no some more. I am a massive advocate of forgiveness (not hugely popular here on MN!) but this shit is beyond the pale? Where the actual fuck is he? And if he is EVEN TRYING for one second to blame you for his appalling choices? No, no, no FUCK OFF NO! In this situation I would boot him out with immediate effect. I’ve no doubt the sad Wanker will come crawling back….but it’s up to you if you want to take him….but for now op, breathe. Try (I know it’s hard) to eat something and avoid wine…..breathe in, breathe out. Make no plans other than how to get through the next 10 minutes. And you WILL get through this! MN is full of women just like you who have prevailed. Let the dust settle, see where you are and then decide. His utterly shitty choices have brought you here. From now on, YOU CHOSE what happens. You have the power op, use it!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I think OP was saying that he said to her "I ruined everything" rather than saying she has ruined everything.

But he's still a cowardly cunt who has pathetically run away (likely to OW) instead of facing the music and is now dictating to OP when he will speak to her while ignoring her calls. What a prick.

This 👆👆👆👆👆

I'm so sorry op what a shock. Let's remember guys that op has just found this out and is relatively fresh her head must be all over the place.

I’m so so sorry. I remember my dday (discovery day) as though it were yesterday.

I’m going to give you the advice I was given them.

Self care first, please eat, hydrate and exercise
You will need to do STD tests as well (I hate saying that bit)

Now I say this absolutely knowing this to be true, so not believe a WORD that comes out of his mouth. Not one. His words are meaningless right now. Look at actions. You’re devastated and what has he done? Run away! And left you to pick up the pieces for your girls. That tells you all you need to know about where his head is right now. Firmly stuck up his a*.

Get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ and have it become your bible. Read and book mark everything that rings true for you.

You do need to seek legal advice. Yes you have two children to think of but you need to know your options and to protect yourself. I can’t stress enough - YOU ARE NOT DEALING WITH THE MAN YOU THINK YOU KNOW!

Read into stories on the surviving infidelity website and read about the 180 on there, you will need the emotional distance to navigate this over the coming weeks.

This is not you. None of this. He had options, he chose to betray you, so not apportion any blame to yourself and make it clear you will not accept any.

You are not in a position (yet) for even considering forgiveness. He is actively cheating, he is in an active affair, that cannot be forgiven.

Again, actions over words, his words are meaningless.

Huge hug,

It does sound like he is with her. Probably seeing if she wants him before he comes crawling back when she says no.

Whatever you want to do today doesn't have to be your final decision. I am not going to spell out all the options, you are smart enough to know what they are. Don't panic. Only do what is best for you and your girls. Many many people will tell you to kick him out, he's done all these horrible things, he will do it again, you are a mug etc etc. But they aren't you and they aren't living your life. In three months time when everything has calmed down they are nowhere to be seen when you need support.

He has been an idiot. It isn't a case of he is throwing away his marriage. It's not a conscious decision. He'd been awful of course but it doesn't mean he no longer loves you.

And he owned up immediately though of course that is no consolation.

You staying doesn't mean you are anything but strong. You leaving isn't always the easy option and you should only do that if you truly think you will be happier apart from him.

I really feel for you.

I will add, you can only even consider rebuilding your marriage (and they can be rebuilt if that is what you WANT) IF he is showing remorse and this man right now, is not remotely remorseful, otherwise his actions would be clear.

He is likely to only be saying what he has because he’s been found out. The lies he’s spun you since he’s been with this OW and the chances are he’ll continue to lie. You are not the problem in the relationship he is and continues to be the only problem, he’s had an affair not you.

He did say sorry last night

That’s ok then 🙄

If this was a one night thing or even just a sex thing, then I’d maybe, very slightly think about forgiving him.
But this is a long term affair and they’re going out for dinner acting like a couple - emotions are definitely involved.

Say if you forgave him. Could you ever truly trust him?

I would feel ill constantly worrying that he’s going to go running back to her or anyone else that he can.

I know you’re in shock now but you need to try and think clearly.
Does he actually want to be with you or does he want her?

He confessed because he was caught out but it also sounds like he’s been wanting to tell you - he could have easily said they’d only met that once.
Does that mean he’s planning to leave you for her?

I don’t the he’s said that OP ruined everything, I think OP meant he literally said “I’ve ruined everything” meaning that it was he who had ruined things.

Nonetheless OP I think you are being very naive to believe that he is now about to do the right thing.

OP
Please PM me
I have had personal experience of this
I couldn't forgive my husband and ultimately divorced him after two years of 'trying'- I wish it had been different
I can help you with the questions you need to ask yourself

This is a man who has lied convincingly to your face for 6 MONTHS.

Don't believe a word he says unless you have rock-solid evidence from an independent third party. He'll likely tell you all sorts about what the OW has said or thinks, or family/friends - don't believe a word of it unless you hear it from their actual mouth, even emails and texts can be sent by someone other than the person they seem to be.

He will be with her unfortunately. I’d get on the phone to a solicitor if I were you

Don’t make any major decisions until you’ve had time to think things through and please take legal advice, even if you choose to stay together.

Also, things can never go back to what they were before the affair so it’s something you’re going to need to come to terms with, and that won’t happen overnight.

Remember, none of this was your fault.

I think you need to stop running after him here, OP, if you've decided you want to keep the scumbag guy (though I question the wisdom of this choice).

Neediness and lack of self respect are unattractive and will drive him to the OW. Stop acting like you're the one in the wrong. Tell him you don't feel you can see him yet and you'll let him know when he can come and see you. Don't let him call the shots.

If he wasn't an absolute snivelling coward he would have stayed at home to face the music with his family instead of running away and turning off his phone leaving you to mourn and fume.
Its funny how they only ever feel ashamed and devastated when you find out and not before.
Also wondering why he thinks YOU will look after his children while he goes off to consider his options.
And whether he will tell you the truth or bullshit you.
He will no doubt quote lack of intimacy to make it all your fault - because you know why would he stay unless you are spending every single day working on amusing him in bed phhhttt like you have nothing else to do.

Whatever you do, give yourself space to come to terms with everything.

He is 6 months ahead of you. You need to take on board what he already knows about the last six months. That will need space in terms of time, physical distance from him and, ideally, physical distance from other distractions such as work and children.

Right now you're possibly petrified of divorcing or being a single mum. There's no need to consider that for now, but please don't jump to the alternative.

My third piece of advice, in addition to space and pausing, is pay attention to his actions and not his words. If he wanted to save his marriage, what would he have done today? He would not left you last night and ignored your calls all day.

as if hes been having an affair for 6 months.. and doesnt love her. what a load of bollocks

Oh OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just one piece of advice. Listen to what people DO not what they SAY, because talk is cheap, particularly from a man who has been lying to your face for 6 months.

You need him to respect you, to stand any chance of reconciliation and right now he does not, and any pleading or begging him to come back will have the opposite effect.

Kick his legs from under him, when he comes tomorrow tell him you're going away for a week and he's responsible for his children and when you return he needs to have considered how he's going to parent them 50:50 going firward. He does not get to walk away from them.

You’re in shock right now. You don’t need to do anything except just make sure you have any paperwork that you need if YOU decide to leave him.

Of course your main concern is your children. You are devastated for them.
But don’t let that be the reason you stay with this man. Please think for a second.

He is the person who has put your daughters in this situation.

He is the person who prioritised himself over your previous girls.

He is the person who was willing to break up the entire family. For sex.

Him. Not you.

You are not responsible for the breakdown of their family. That is 1000% him.

Yes, he is their dad and always will be. But what kind of father jeopardises his daughters future happiness like that?

This is even before you consider what he’s done to you. The woman he married. The mother of his children.

If I were you I’d tell him you don’t want to talk tomorrow. Take back some control and YOU tell HIM when the talk will happen. Don’t let him dictate this.

And take a few days to try and process what’s happened and what you want to do. His wants are no longer valid. Don’t let him convince you any of this is your fault and certainly don’t consider his feelings at all. Yours are the ones that matter now.

God he's pathetic.

His first reaction on being found out is to run away.

Just like he ran away from problems in the marriage into another woman.

I'm sorry OP. It doesn't look good. You must be in such shock.

I think because you have 2 girls to think of is he exact reason you need to speak to a solicitor.

6 months.
Of lies, deceit and shagging another woman.
He’s presumably gone to hers, probably telling her it’s all your fault?
Christ, I would be Bobbit-ing him if he ever came within arm’s reach of me again.
Scumbag doesn’t begin to describe him.

And op, if you do decide to take him back just remember, you can decide at any point, on any day, for whatever reason to change your mind and have him gone. You owe him nothing.